A Little Bit of Everything Lost (29 page)

“Hey there Marnie, come on in, good to see you again,” Sarah said.

“Hi Sarah,” Marnie took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled.

“
How was your Thanksgiving?” Sarah asked as she led Marnie into the foyer.

“
Very nice, thanks. It was low-key, just my immediate family. I bet yours was hectic?” Marnie commented.

“
You could say that,” Sarah laughed.

Marnie shook off her coat, and Sarah placed it on the couch in the great room. She noticed all the furniture had been reassembled.

“I thought the shoot went great, didn’t you? I can’t believe how you wrangled all the little ones together and actually got them all laughing and looking at the camera.” Sarah exclaimed.

“The photos turned out beautiful. You know, that was officially my largest group ever.”

“Well, I can’t wait to see the proofs. Can I get you some water, a diet Coke or something?” Sarah asked.

“Thanks, I’d love some water.”

“Great, I’ll grab some,” Sarah said and pointed to her left. “The dining room’s that way. Go ahead and set up in there – my cousin Joe’s waiting. He wanted to go through the proofs with us too.”

“Oh,” was all Marnie managed.

“I’ll be right back, make yourself at home.” Sarah shouted over her shoulder.

She could have chosen the flight method, to walk out the door, and pretend that what was about to happen wasn’t going to happen. Instead, Marnie walked toward the dining room.

And there he was.

And then there she was.

And it was the two of them.

He stood up from the table and smiled. There were small lines around his eyes to show he had aged a bit but his hazel eyes were as beautiful as ever and he looked at her like he had always looked at her, intensely, like she was important. Like she meant something to him.

“Here, let me help you with those.”

Before Marnie could react, he was by her side, lifting her brown portfolio, and she smelled him again.
Obsession
.

Face to face. Alone. All the things she imagined would happen, all the things she dreamed she would say to him after all these years, and nothing. Nothing came to her.

She could kick herself. Because she had known she would see him again, had known there would be another meeting, she had just seen him, in this very house. But after the photo shoot, she had collected her equipment and run out of the house before he could have a chance to stop her to say, to say, what? Would he have even stopped her? She would never know now.

At the great room entrance on Wednesday, when he had said her name and she had turned toward him, and all the emotions flooded through her like a movie trailer in slow motion, just when something, anything could have happened, two toddlers came tearing by on wheelie bikes and one rammed right into Joe’s ankle.

Not the reunion she had imagined.

Then chaos had kicked in and people shuffled to get into place and pictures were taken quickly while kids were happy, and Marnie shouted out directions, and told people to sit, and then stand, and that person to move over there, and children come over here, and Nonna should sit in the center, and all the adults, go stand over there. And to smile, and smile, and make silly faces, and then “Why don’t you silly kids try frowning” because that always made them smile bigger, Marnie had learned.

All along, Marnie focused on doing her job and not the fact that her very first love was standing there, right in front of her camera lens, staring at her the whole entire time. With those eyes, those same eyes that had stared at her so many years ago.

And now, staring at her
at this very moment, with that same intensity, and she couldn’t think of a thing to say.

“You have not changed,” he said. “
Not one single bit.”

“Hey Joe!” Sarah yelled from the kitchen. Marnie and Joe turned toward her voice and his shoulder brushed against hers.

Magnets.

“Yeah Sare!”

“Do you want anything?” Sarah yelled.

“I’ll take a beer!” Then to Marnie, softer, “Do you need anything?”

“She’s bringing me water,” Marnie croaked.

“Okay, good. Very good. I can’t tell you how nice it is to see you.” He appeared to exhale, as if he, too, had been holding all of his breath.

Marnie didn’t answer, just looked at him. The grown-up him she’d always imagined. A little bit ruffled, a little bit more handsome, more put together than she had imagined, but still the Joe she had thought of – he was right there in front of her.

Then, before Marnie could think another thought, Sarah was back. “Here we go, I can’t wait to see these pictures!” Sarah gave Joe a beer and handed Marnie a glass of water.

There were slices of fresh lemon floating in her water. She looked up and caught Joe staring at her. He smiled.

Lemons.

**

“So, here are the group ones,” Marnie laid them out in order of her favorites, “and then you’ve got the shots of all of the grandchildren with Nonna here.” Marnie relaxed after a while, focusing on the task at hand, and feeling pretty confident about her work. She knew she had done a great job photographing the family, and she also knew she would get her chance to talk with Joe later.

“You know what I love best about these pictures? You know what I really love most?” Sarah asked between sips of her beer.

Marnie and Joe looked at Sarah, waiting for an answer.

“I mean, obviously, Marnie does beautiful work. How long have you been doing photography, Marnie?”

“She took pictures for forever,” Joe interrupted.

“Oh, that’s right. You two know each other.” Sarah looked up from the proofs. “That’s why you recommended her for the photo shoot, right Joe?”

“Yeah,” Joe looked right into Marnie’s eyes, and to Sarah, he said, “Yeah, that’s why I suggested she take the pictures.” And then to Marnie, “Your website is amazing.”

Marnie’s throat stuck, and then she caught herself. She said to Sarah, “We knew each other a long time ago.”

“Yeah, unfortunately, because of me, we lost touch,” Joe didn’t take his eyes off Marnie.

“Yeah, well that sucks when that happens,” Sarah continued, obviously missing the connection between Joe and Marnie. “Anyway, as I was saying, the absolute best part about these pictures? You know what’s great about them, Joey?”

“No Sare, what’s so great about them? Besides Marnie’s obvious talent at capturing the uniqueness of us all, especially Uncle William?”

“I’ll tell you what! And we have you to thank, Joey. It’s that the bitch of an ex-wife of yours no longer has to be in any of our family photos. Hard to believe we thought she was such a sweetheart for so long. She fooled us all.”

Joe looked down momentarily, then took a long swig of his beer.

Sarah continued her rant, “That’s the best part of these photos! Damn, did she ruin every single family picture! Hell, forget about family pictures. She ruined every single family
event
we ever had. With her whiny demands and her need for attention all of the time. Ugh, that woman! I don’t know how you put up with her for as long as you did. I mean, good Lord, Joe, we all know
why
you did, but why put yourself through all that misery for so long? Right? I mean, right Joey? I’m so glad you’re rid of her.” Sarah lifted her own beer as if making a toast.

“Good riddance to that bitch, Trina!
”
               

Chapter
Sixty-Seven
February 1989

Marnie had been on her bed in her dorm, lying on her stomach, ankles crossed, feet in the air, trying to study for her Comms 200 test
. She was listening to The Cure’s
Love Song
over and over and over, hitting rewind as soon as the song ended on her bootleg tape, not even letting Robert Smith start in on
Lullaby.
When the phone rang, she reached for it, and there he was, through the line, just like that. Joe.

“
Marnie.”

She knew, just by the tone of his voice. Her body went hot and she waited for him to speak.

“Something terrible’s happened. I can’t come this weekend.”

Marnie bolted from her position on the bed. “What do you mean? Are you okay, were you in an accident? Are you hurt?” She began to cry.

“No, I’m okay, and nobody’s hurt,” he whispered. “I promise. It’s just… I’m so sorry. It’s nothing I have any control over. I never meant to hurt you, I want you to know that. I have to get off the phone.”

“Are you at school?”

“No. I’m at home.”

And that was it, deep in her gut, she knew. She knew that it was more than just this weekend she wouldn’t be seeing him.

This was it.

“It’s Trina isn’t it?”

“Yes. It’
s Trina. I can’t explain. I can’t undo it this time. I’m so sorry. I don’t want it to be this way. Please believe me.” Marnie heard his voice crack.

“What? Wait, but… ”

“I have to go. I’m so sorry.”

Chapter
Sixty-Eight
November 2004

“So you married her?”

“I did.”

After Sarah dropped the bombshell that Joe had married Trina, Figo and Dratton began barking wildly at something at the back of the house and she excused herself to “go kick some dog ass.”

Marnie felt her body flare up, as if she had gone feverish all over, and she knew her face turned hot and splotchy. It was something she couldn’t control. For all these years, not knowing about Joe’s life, never, never in her wildest dreams did it occur to her that he might have married Trina.

“Are you okay?” he looked up from the photos of his family. The family that strangely, Marnie had felt she should have belonged to. Along with their child she should have maybe had.

Immediately, she regretted her thoughts. How could she think this way when Stuart was trying so hard, being the best husband he could, and she was so blessed with two boys who were charming in their own quirky little boy goofy ways. She reminded herself of their charms every single day, through fart jokes and fights and all the boy drama she never expected would come with having two sons.

Joe’s hair fell over his eyes and he reminded her so much of how he had been fifteen years ago. A lump formed in her throat and filled her with something she didn’t recognize. It wasn’t exactly sadness. Maybe it was longing, maybe it was nostalgia. Or something else. She wasn’t sure. It stuck there. Finally, she took a sip of water to force it away.

“You okay?” he asked again.

“I’m fine.” Marnie waved her hand in the air to indicate life was not that big of a deal and continued, “So that’s what that last phone call to me was about – you and Trina got married in college?”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of?” Marnie asked.

“You’ll let me explain?” Joe asked.

“You don’t owe me anything,” Marnie said flatly. She wanted to mean it, she wanted to not care at all, and maybe she wouldn’t have if he’d never arranged for her to photograph his family, and they weren’t sitting across from one another in his cousin’s home.

But she knew that wasn’t true. Because she had planned all along to find a way to get to his grandmother’s birthday and find him to tell him what she should have been brave enough to tell him back in college. Because Marnie knew that with everything that had happened recently in her life, she had to confront her past to make peace with the present.

Marnie wanted to get to a place where she was happy, content an
d at peace with the choices she’d made in her life, and also with some of the things that she hadn’t been able to control. And with the recent trauma of losing her daughter, she’d been thinking more and more about the choices she’d made, and how they determined her future and in a sense, her happiness. Had those decisions shaped who she was today, made her who she was now? She kind of believed so. 

Marnie also wondered if there was any woman in the world who was truly completely content with the life she had, the day-to-day grind of raising a family, of being married, of making frozen mini-pancakes and packing backpacks and making dinners and doing laundry? And even if there was a woman completely happy, isn’t there always a spark of curiosity that makes her wonder of the ‘what could have been’? Doesn’t everyone wonder? And in Marnie’s case, doesn’t she deserve to know?

And didn’t Joe deserve to know too?

Marnie sighed, and looked at Joe. She thought back to the day on the pier, how it had been the two of them, looking at the water, her back against his chest. She remembered how her heart thumped with the anticipation of him, the excitement of kissing him, of simply being
near
him. First love. She’d always have that. She sighed and smiled a sad slow smile, and his smile met hers.