A Little Bit on the Side (21 page)

As he read the second letter Jack roared with laughter.

‘Oh Christ Ted, you are in trouble. You’ve been poisoning the man’s wells. Shades of
Lawrence of Arabia:
Geoffrey astride his camel riding out of the Barton mists. Have you no fear Ted?’

But Ted just looked puzzled and shook his head.

‘Ah. You haven’t seen the film. You should. It’s bloody good, and your line is, “My fear is my concern.” Sorry though Ted; I shouldn’t joke. You’re a bit worried about how to respond. Is that it?’

‘Not my field Jack, and Sarah said I should have a word with you before I reply.’ Sarah was his wife.

'Well you can simply disregard the first letter. The reference to legal advice is just the sort of ignorant bluster that uninformed people like the Pratts think will impress and deter.

The second letter’s much more interesting, and what a considerate and model neighbour you’ve got, thinking of your costs and difficulties. And it’s all confirmed by the County Council Health Officer it seems. From your dealings with Geoffrey would you say he’s a big enough arsehole to make that up?’

‘Oh he’s stupid enough Jack, but she’d probably have put him up to it. She’s an absolute bloody monster. We can often hear them at it hammer and tongs at the top of their voices — no that’s not fair. She’s hammer and tongs together, and he just puts up with it. I was right down at the end of the garden the other day, and with windows closed I could still hear her at it, “It’s my bloody money, and I’ll spend it how I like.” Oh they are a happy couple I can tell you.’

‘So what do you think Jimmy? I mean with your Reverend Moule and Thomas Crapper connections you must be an expert on this sort of thing, if anyone is.’

‘Well to my certain knowledge, half a dozen of the properties around Ted are still using septic tanks or cesspits, so if I can be permitted a few scatalogical speculations, I wonder how it is that this genius of a health officer has been able to distinguish the Sutton shit from the Pratt shit, or that of any other of the immediate neighbours, and how and when he obtained a control sample of undoubted Sutton shit to compare with the contamination in the wells.’

By now Ted was relaxed enough to allow himself a laugh, and over another pint they drafted a couple of letters for him: one to Geoffrey, asking for copies of the councils’ report on his well water, the other to the council enclosing a copy of Geoffrey’s letter. To the first Geoffrey ventured no reply. To the second the council replied promptly. They had no record of tests of any sort being carried out at Geoffrey’s, Ted’s or anywhere else in the vicinity and beyond that had no comment to make on the letter.

The next letter from Ted brought all communication between the parties to an end.

The Pratts had been exposed as liars and fools, but it was a pyrrhic victory for Ted. True, the punk sessions diminished and the outbuilding fell silent when the pop world failed to recognise Jason’s genius, but the dogs still barked at night, a new litter of pups arrived to shit on Ted’s lawn, and whenever and wherever they could the Pratts conducted a campaign of overt hostility.

Ted and Sarah had had enough, and just about the time that Jack was celebrating his good news at the office he and Kate received an invitation to join them at a little evening get-together in the upstairs room at the Shagger devoted to such occasions. Similar invitations were sent to Jim and Celia, and as they subsequently learned, to a few of the senior member of other old Barton families.

As Jack arrived with Kate and the Gillans, he looked around at the two dozen or more assembled, and was at a loss to know what was going on. Albert was there presiding over a little bar at the end, while his wife fussed around over the buffet that had been set out at the side of the room.

Larry Breakwell was there, minus his clerical collar, and professing as much ignorance of the event as Jack and Jimmy. Davey Bache and Martin Ellis (Snr) were there with wives, as was Charlie Genner and wife, plus a couple of other senior folk whose faces Jack knew, but not the names.

‘Any idea what this is all about?’ said Jack to Albert, but without learning anything further. Albert professed total ignorance of the affair beyond the request he had received from Ted and Charlie Sutton to set up the refreshments and drink.

Finally when all the guests had been assembled with time to get a drink or two under their belt, Ted, Charlie and their wives made their appearance, and stood rather hesitantly just inside the doorway, until the room fell silent when it became clear that Ted wanted to say a few words.

‘First of all Charlie and me would like to say a big welcome to all of you, and if you’ll help yourself to some food and another drink, and then get sat down around the tables we’ll let you know what it’s all about.’

The quality and quantity of the refreshments provided meant that getting provisioned and ‘sat down’ as Ted requested took quite some time, but eventually they were all seated and waiting for Ted to put them out of their suspense.

‘Well it’s lovely to see you all, and I know you’re all wondering what this is all about, so as I’m not used to this sort of thing I hope you won’t mind if I read from a few notes that Charlie and me have put together.

Now you’ll all have heard a bit I expect about the trouble that Sarah and me have been having with those Pratts next door.’

He was expecting a laugh, and he got one.

‘Well we’re getting on a bit now, and we’re not prepared to have the rest of our days buggered about, if you’ll excuse my French, by that lot. From what we’ve learned from our talks with Jack and Jimmy there, and a few other people, trying the law will only mean more aggravation and cost, so that won’t do.

But it’s not just that. Many of you will already know well enough just how bloody hard it is to make a living here on the hill. Charlie and me both started at it when we were fourteen, and we’ve been at it seven days a week with few breaks ever since. I’ll soon be pushing seventy and Charlie’s not far behind and now we reckon that’s enough. Time for a change.

So Sarah and me got together with Charlie and Lorna and we talked things over. And I don’t know quite how to say this, so I’d better just come right out and say that we’re all going to be leaving you.’

Ted paused here, perhaps aware how this would be received by people he’d lived and worked with all his life, or perhaps because he himself was suddenly struck by the implications of their decision.

In the silence that followed nobody said a word apart from a soft, ‘Oh Ted,’ from Albert’s wife.

‘No, no, no,’ said Ted, ‘mustn’t take it like that. No cause for anyone to get upset. We’re all going to be alright, so let me tell you. On Monday morning Charlie and me will be going in to Barlow to see Mr Parsons and Mr Bayley to put our properties on the market…. Sorry to steal Hilda’s thunder there Charlie.’

That earned him a laugh too, and lightened the atmosphere a little.

‘Most of you know we’ve been letting Mum’s place since she died, and that will be going too, plus the few acres we’ve bought around the hill over the years. So if any of you are interested, now you know, and now’s your chance.

Like most of you, we’ve been careful over the years: had to be very often. And by being careful we’ve got a little bit saved here and there… You didn’t hear that Jack.’

Another laugh there: his audience now beginning to relax and quite enjoy Ted’s performance.

‘So now we’re going to enjoy ourselves a bit. You’ll all remember about Dad’s book I know. Well since we started looking into that with the Shropshires we’ve got quite interested, and now we’re going to be following in Dad’s footsteps.

A few months ago I got myself a little booklet on discovering South Africa, and then we all went in to Wolverton and had a word with one of the travel agents there.’

Hopefully not Scott Stevens (Wolverton) Ltd, thought Jack.

‘And come next September we’ll all four of us be on board the Windsor Castle leaving Southampton for the Cape. First a few weeks on a bit of a tour around, and then we’re going off to a place called Houtnek near Bloemfontein. That’s where Uncle William got killed in the Boer War. The Shropshires can’t tell us if the graves are marked, but now that we’ve learned so much about those days we’d like to see what we can find, and pay our respects. We’ll be taking a bit of Barton stone with us to leave with him.’

‘Drummer Hodge plus eh Jack?’ whispered Jimmy.

‘Well that’s about it. After the cruise is back, Charlie’s off to New Zealand to stay with his son for a few months. Reckons he might stay out there if they’ll let him. Sarah and me will be back in the area, but somewhere like Mordiford Wells down in the valley where life’s a bit softer, or perhaps a little place in Barlow. But you won’t be getting rid of us altogether. We’ll be up in the Shagger or at the church from time to time to keep in touch.

Anyway all that’s a bit in the future, we’re not off right now, but we wanted to scotch any rumours that might start up and let you have all our plans straight from the horse’s mouth. Well that’s about it. Eat up, drink up, and have a good evening.’

Jack looked across at Jimmy questioningly. ‘Well Ted certainly kept his cards close to his chest. Sure he didn’t even give you a hint Jim?’

‘Honour bright Jack. Not a word, although I was only having a drink with him a couple of nights ago. Good for them though I say. Did you ever mention Hardy’s Drummer Hodge to Ted, by the way? I thought that might have put the idea into his head.’

‘Never thought to, but now I will. From what he’s decided to do I think he might like that. Never does to pre-judge people does it? When I remember how tongue -tied and awkward Ted once was I wouldn’t have thought he had it in him.

Strange, by the way, the connections life makes. Hardy when young had a tutor who became a very close friend. Name of Horace Moule, and would you believe, the son of your Rev Moule, inventor of the earth closet. Sad chap though, ended up cutting his throat.’

‘Talking of connections,’ said Larry Breakwell, who’d been listening in on their conversation, ‘If you thought that Ted was playing his cards very close to his chest by not letting you know, perhaps I should mention now, that in just over six months time I too will be retiring and moving on.’

‘Well that is further sad news Larry,’ said Jack. ‘The old order changeth, yielding place to new, And God fulfils himself in many ways.’

‘Lest one good custom should corrupt the world,’ continued Larry. ‘Oh dear! I never saw myself in that light. Perhaps it’s as well that I’ll soon be on my way. Wouldn’t want to be a corrupting influence.’

‘Not you Larry,’ said Jimmy, ‘But we’ll miss you greatly when you do go. Never thought I could enjoy the company of a man of the cloth again until I met you.’

‘Seconded,’ said Jack. ‘Kate and I have really enjoyed our evenings together with you all at Jimmy’s. You’ll be much missed. Any idea who’ll be following you?’

‘Some bright young spark I suppose, full of new ideas for getting bums on pews. It seems to be the way now.’

‘Ah!’

That sigh breathed by the two men as one, was brief but pregnant with meaning, and Larry seemed to understand and sympathise.

Knowing that there would be plenty of time to speak to Ted and Charlie the three men spent the rest of their time talking together while Kate and Celia wandered off to have a chat with Sarah and Lorna.

It would be almost two weeks before Jack had a chance to talk over the changes with anyone other than Kate, and the more he mulled them over the more he felt the old restlessness. The Suttons almost gone. Larry soon to go. Jimmy and Celia still going strong, but Celia losing some of her enthusiasm for their remoteness and the good life. Her mother had died suddenly, and her father was failing. She had to leave Jimmy for the south more frequently now, and from the few comments that Jim had made Jack gathered that when the father died and the estate was distributed Celia, in Jim’s words, would be a very warm woman. When that happened Jack couldn’t see them staying on, and if they went there would be nothing to hold him. But still whenever he tried to advance the idea of a move to Barlow he found Kate completely unresponsive. He couldn’t understand why.

When Jimmy next called in to see Jack there was much more to be told about Ted’s affairs.

‘My word they’re canny folk these countrymen, but they keep it well hidden. It seems that old Tom Sutton’s father was a builder. He built Ada’s house and those Ted and Charlie own. He also built a couple of houses down in Mordiford Wells which the two own between them and from which they’ve always received rents. When he wasn’t building he was doing a bit of farming and buying up a few acres here and there whenever the price was right, all of which passed on down the line to Ted and Charlie.

The upshot is that by the time everything has been sold, legals, tax and all the rest of it paid, they are likely to be worth, wait for it, close to three quarters of a million each.’

Well that puts my Krugerrands into perspective, thought Jack, before expressing the view that it couldn’t have happened to a nicer family. A little later, less than three weeks before he was due to start at Barlow and one week into Kate’s school holidays, Jack returned home to find the house empty, and Kate and her car missing.

Assuming she had gone into Barlow and would soon be back, he poured himself a drink and settled down with
Call for the Dead
which he was reading to catch up on the early history of George Smiley. Not until the clock struck six did he realise how late it was, and still Kate had not returned.

Thinking she might possibly have gone out with Celia who had no car of her own, he telephoned the Gil-lans, but they could tell him nothing. It was only when he went back to top up his drink while he waited for her that he noticed the envelope propped up on top of the cupboard where he kept his whisky. Kate knew him well enough to guess where he would turn when she failed to appear.