A Long Thaw (13 page)

‘Because it couldn’t have been your fault. That makes no sense at all.’

‘Well, could someone have seen you?’

‘I’m not having this conversation with you.’

‘I asked you not to do it any more. Not to do it where I work. I asked you not to ruin this for me.’

Jesse stands up from the table. He looks at her, giving her plenty of time to ask him to stay. She doesn’t. This time, she lets him go.

Once, on their way home from a drive-in, they’d got stuck at a railroad crossing. Ryan hated traffic; hated wasting time. Abby tried to alleviate his frustration by kissing his neck. She thought she felt his body grow rigid as she sucked his earlobe, but she dismissed it.

‘Guess you don’t mind an audience,’ he said, his hands still firmly on the steering wheel.

Startled, Abby pulled away. She looked out of the window, expecting to see people on the sidewalk nearby. There was no one in sight. It was pitch black outside, aside from the blinking lights of the crossing sign. The train rattled by just beyond that, cargo units that looked like Dumpsters, windowless.

‘Audience?’ Abby whispered.

Ryan motioned to the rear-view mirror. There was a car behind them. Abby could barely make out the shadow of the driver.

Abby didn’t speak on the rest of the way home.

Later that night, he came out of the bathroom smelling of toothpaste. Abby was already in her pyjamas, lying in the bed with the pillow over her head.

Ryan sits across from Abby, mixing wasabi into his soy sauce with a chopstick. Abby avoids wasabi and chopsticks, but she loves sushi. She drowns it in soy sauce and eats it with her fingers.

‘Are you growing a goatee?’ she asks.

Ryan looks up. ‘I don’t shave on weekends, that’s all.’

‘Since when?’

‘Since I stopped having a girlfriend who complains about the stubble.’ Ryan stuffs a tuna roll into his grinning mouth.

‘Ah.’ Abby laughs. ‘So you’re enjoying your freedom, then?’

Ryan nods, swallowing. ‘I’m willing to bet your legs are hairier than my chin.’

‘Well, you’d lose,’ Abby says.

‘Prove it.’

Abby kicks her leg out from under the table and hikes up a pant leg.

‘Wow.’ Ryan sets his chopsticks down.

‘I’ve been dating a bit, actually,’ Abby says, feeling suddenly hot.

‘Oh.’ Ryan sits back in his chair, then leans forward and picks his chopsticks up again. ‘That’s . . . great. Fun.’

‘It feels really bizarre, actually, like I’m in some sort of social experiment.’

Ryan’s face is blank.

‘So, what are you doing for Christmas?’

Ryan dips another piece of sushi into the sauce. ‘Not sure. My parents will be in Aspen.’

‘Well, you’re welcome to come to my nana’s.’

‘
Riiight
. Like that wouldn’t be weird.’

‘No weirder than you spending Christmas by yourself when you don’t have to.’

‘Um, yeah, weirder.’

‘Why? My family loves you.’

‘Maybe they used to.’

‘Well, no one’s going to give you any trouble for breaking my heart.’

‘
Your
heart?’

Abby furrows her brow.

‘As I remember, you are the one who asked me to move out,’ he says.

‘Well, that’s getting pretty technical.’ Abby leans forward to sip her iced tea.

Ryan sighs. ‘Look, I’ll let you know. About Christmas. Thanks for the invitation at least.’

Abby and Juliet pick the girls up from the airport on the day before Christmas Eve. Abby borrows Jasmine’s car and drives it around and around the arrivals area of Logan Airport while Juliet goes inside. On her eighth pass by the kerb, she spots Juliet with the two girls. At fourteen, Hannah is nearly as tall as Juliet. She has long, strawberry blonde hair that is somehow silky and straight even after a cross-country flight. Lilly’s hair is a lighter blonde in tight curls around her head. She looks like Juliet did when she was younger.

Abby parks at the kerb, hugs them both and helps Juliet get their bags into the trunk. They all pile into the car and Abby pulls her door shut. She looks in her rear-view mirror and sees Juliet sitting in the middle of the back seat with an arm around each of her sisters.

‘So I’m the chauffeur?’ Abby smiles.

‘Home, Jeeves!’ Juliet demands, in a high-class Boston accent. ‘I’ll need Winnafred to draw me a
baaath
when we return.’

Hannah and Lilly giggle. Abby watches until she has room to pull away from the kerb.

‘Abby can drive like a Mass-hole,’ Juliet tells the girls.

‘I’m a good driver,’ Abby insists. She cuts off someone in a Land Rover, who leans on his horn.

‘See?’ Juliet says.

‘When are we going to see Nana?’ Hannah asks.

‘Tomorrow night. We’re going to sleep there on Christmas Eve. I sent a letter to Santa so he’ll know where to find us.’

Lilly rolls her eyes dramatically.

‘She knows,’ Hannah says.

‘Knows what?’ Juliet looks from one to the other. When neither speaks, she continues, ‘There’s going to be a big family dinner on Christmas. Aunt Rachel and Uncle Henry will be there. Great-aunt Bernadette. Do you remember her?’

Hannah scrunches up her face.

‘Do they remember Nana?’ Abby asks.

‘I know Lilly doesn’t. But Hannah does, right?’

‘A little? Mostly from your stories.’

‘Which ones?’

‘About the funny things she says?’ Everything Hannah says has a lilt at the end so that it sounds like a question. ‘Like, “busier than a one-armed paper-hanger”? Or “crazy as a filly-loo bird”?’

Abby hoots in the front seat. ‘She hasn’t said that in a while. I’d almost forgotten.’

‘We’ll have to try to get her to say it,’ Juliet suggests.

‘Yeah,’ Lilly agrees. ‘That one’s my favourite.’

Since they’re both going to the Christmas Eve party, Ryan suggests he and Abby take the T together. Eric picks them up at the station in Lowell and Jasmine welcomes them at the door of their small brown house. Her hair is in ringlets, alternating red and green, and she’s covered with glitter.

‘Festive,’ Abby says, in greeting.

Jasmine does a quick two-step, curls bouncing. ‘Took me all day.’

‘So guess who ended up getting everything practical ready for the party?’ Eric rolls his eyes.

Jasmine pats him on the head. ‘You’ll be on Santa’s “nice” list,’ she says, kissing his cheek.

‘That makes one of us.’

‘He likes it when I’m naughty,’ Jasmine says, slapping his ass.

Abby and Ryan raise their eyebrows at each other.

‘Let’s go get you two liquored up.’ Jasmine leads Abby and Ryan into the kitchen where she ladles spiked egg nog into plastic cups. Then she introduces them to the crowd in the living room. Most of the guests are friends from college, but some are friends from work.

They play games. Ryan switches to beer and Abby finishes his egg nog. They team up for a round of ‘Celebrity’. For much of the evening, Ryan stands in a semicircle of guys by the window while Abby sits on the couch with Jasmine and her co-worker, listening to a story about a runaway from their programme. She’s grateful when her empty cup allows her to excuse herself.

In the kitchen, Ryan is leaning against the counter, peeling the label off his beer bottle.

‘Hiding?’ Abby asks.

He looks up at her. ‘A little,’ he admits.

‘We can go soon,’ Abby offers. She fills her cup halfway.

‘It’s okay.’ Ryan puts down his beer bottle. ‘I have your Christmas present,’ he says, finding his winter coat hanging by the door and rifling through the pocket.

Abby’s face flushes and she can feel the thud of her heartbeat in her ears. ‘I didn’t think we were exchanging.’

Ryan turns to her, holding a small box. ‘It’s okay. I got this for you a while ago.’

‘Oh, no.’

‘Just open it. It’s not a big deal.’ Ryan places it on the counter in front of her.

Abby realizes her hesitation is only prolonging the awkward moment. She rips through the paper. Inside the tiny box is a silver necklace she had pointed out to him at Quincy Market. In August.

‘You got my Christmas present back in August?’

‘Well, I was going to give it to you sooner, but you dumped my ass.’ Ryan forces a laugh.

‘You could have returned it,’ Abby says, fingering the chain.

‘Yeah. It occurred to me. Felt sort of petty, though. You still like it?’

‘I love it.’

They catch the last train back to the city and Ryan insists on walking Abby to her building, even though his apartment is in the other direction. They talk between chattering teeth and walk inside together and up the stairs out of habit. It isn’t until Abby’s unlocking the door that Ryan seems to notice.

He takes a step back as she pushes it open.

‘Come in and warm up,’ Abby says, and he follows her.

Inside, Ryan rubs Abby’s arms as she stomps her feet and blows air out of her lips dramatically. ‘Brrrr!’

His hands slow and she steps towards the warmth of his body.

‘I had fun tonight,’ Abby says quietly.

‘Me too.’ Ryan undoes the button that holds her coat closed and waits for her to pull away. She doesn’t. He pushes it off her shoulders. It falls to the floor and she feels as if he has undressed her.

Abby holds his face between her mittened hands as they kiss. He lifts her and she wraps her legs around his waist, tossing hat and boots behind them as he carries her down the hall. He throws her onto the mattress and falls on top of her. She tears at his jacket and they separate long enough to peel off their own shirts.

He collapses on top of her again, their bare chests pressed against each other. Abby loves the familiar feeling of his weight, his skin on hers. He slides his fingers along her arms, grasping her hands over her head and kissing her mouth. Abby sucks on his bottom lip and it makes a little popping sound when she releases it.

Abby pulls at Ryan’s belt, but he pushes her hands away and shakes his head. He unfastens her bra and takes her right nipple into his mouth, sucking gently. Abby closes her eyes. He kisses up her neck to her ear. ‘“Areola”,’ he whispers. ‘It’s a really good word.’

Abby’s eyes flutter open and they smile at each other as he moves back down to her left breast. His fingers are cold, but his tongue is warm.

‘“Erogenous”,’ Abby whispers, closing her eyes again.

Ryan runs his tongue in a circle around her navel. ‘“Seductress”.’

Abby giggles, shaking her head in denial. ‘“Lascivious”,’ she murmurs.

As Ryan unbuttons her jeans, Abby’s toes curl involuntarily. He slides to the floor between her feet and removes her pants. He presses his palms gently against her inner thighs, opening them wider. ‘“Cunnilingus”,’ he says, his breath warm between her legs.

Abby entwines her fingers in Ryan’s hair and quickly loses the ability to speak.

When Abby wakes up, Ryan’s getting dressed at the foot of the bed.

‘Hey,’ she says, yawning.

‘Hey.’ He looks at her for a moment, then continues dressing.

‘So.’ Abby sits up and presses one hand flat against her chest, holding the sheet in place.

Ryan sits on the edge of the bed, near her feet. He smiles a forced, brave kind of smile.

‘Did we ruin things?’ Abby brings her other hand to her forehead.

‘Of course not.’ Ryan pats her leg.

‘What was this?’

‘It was what it was. It was great, Abby. It’s always great with us.’

Abby’s eyes start to fill.

‘Don’t over-think it. We’re fine.’ He stands.

Abby swallows. ‘Where are you going?’

‘I don’t know. Walk around the city. You should go to your family thing without me.’

‘You’re going to spend Christmas alone because of me?’ Abby squeezes her eyes shut.

‘Abby, I’m fine. I just think it would be a little weird. I felt like that before. I wasn’t definitely going
before
.’

Abby’s holding her breath.

‘I don’t want you thinking about this today. You deserve to have a good Christmas with your family. I promise we’re fine.’

Abby nods.

‘It snowed last night, you know. The city is so beautiful and quiet. It’ll be great here.’

Abby makes herself smile.

‘Merry Christmas, Abby.’ Ryan bends down and kisses her on the mouth. He walks down the hall and Abby’s face crumples into tears. She hears him let himself out and lock the door behind him.
Still has a key
, she remembers. She takes a deep breath, wipes her face with the edge of the sheet and gets out of bed.

Juliet falls asleep on the couch, beneath the glow of the Christmas tree at her grandmother’s house. She could have slept upstairs, in the room that had been her father’s. She might even have shared one of the twin beds in Aunt Rachel’s old room, where Hannah and Lilly are sleeping now. But Juliet has insisted on the living-room couch, in spite of Nana’s fussing. She wants to guard the Christmas stockings from her sisters’ middle-of-the-night wanderings. Most of all, she wants the view of them coming down the stairs in the morning, their eyes wide with anticipation.

All three of them have hung their stockings on the fireplace, something the younger two have never done before. In California, their stockings were lined up in the hallway, lumpy with multiple pairs of socks and cotton underwear and toothbrushes.

This year, Juliet has filled their stockings with gum and chocolate and decks of cards. She has placed a little egg-shaped container of silly putty in each of the toes. Hannah gets a
Seventeen
magazine, Lilly a magazine on crafts. The only remotely practical items are the sets of stationery.

The stockings are made of thin red felt. Juliet had them bring the ones they have always used. Their names are spelt in glitter on the white edges. Juliet remembers making hers when she was little. Her mother used Elmer’s glue to write the cursive script and Juliet was allowed to shake the glitter on top of it.

In California, some years, they didn’t even have a tree. The last Christmas Juliet had spent with her sisters, she had covered a wall with white paper and drawn a tree on it. She’d known it would be the last Christmas, that she would escape to college as far away as she could get. She had watched her sisters’ faces light up as they opened their humble gifts to each other, thinking,
I’ll come back for you.