A Love Made New (17 page)

As they walked out of the bank, the sun was high in the sky. “Do you want to grab something to eat before we head back to Birch Creek?” Asa asked. “There's a fast-food place next door.”

Abigail didn't care much for fast food, but she was hungry.
By the time they would get back home it would be midafternoon. She nodded. “Sure.”

They walked into the restaurant, the smell of fried food hitting her nose and causing her stomach to growl. She looked at the menu. She did like French fries, and the hamburgers didn't look too bad. Her eyes settled on a double hamburger and fry combo, which was what she'd get if she were by herself. She looked at Asa again as he studied the menu. Then he turned to her.

“Do you know what you want?”

She wanted a hamburger and fries. What she said was, “The side salad and a diet drink.”

He frowned. “That's it? You're not hungry?”

“
Nee
, I'm not.” Her stomach chose that time to growl. Loudly.

He arched a brow. “I don't think three pieces of lettuce and a sliver of tomato are going to fill you up.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means you should get a burger if you're hungry.” He frowned at her. “That's all.”

She folded her arms across her chest, then realized that just made her coat look tighter around her body. “I don't want anything,” she said, then turned around and headed for the door.

“Abigail—”

Tears bit her eyes as she opened the door and went outside.

Asa held up his hand to the woman behind the cash register. “We'll be right back.” Then he dashed out the door after Abigail.

He found her walking toward the bank. Why was she upset? He thought things were going well between them. Really well. He had been surprised she'd been so nervous about getting a
bank account, but when he saw the amount of money she deposited, he could see why she'd want to make sure it was safe. Her rug business must be doing really well for her to have already made that kind of profit.

Then she'd agreed to lunch, which had surprised him. He thought she'd refuse and want to go back home. He felt like he was making slow progress with her, and to be honest, he was enjoying the ride.

“Abigail, wait.” He jogged toward her, leaping over a small pile of slush in the fast-food parking lot. She didn't turn around and he put his hand on her arm. “What happened back there?”

“
Nix
.” She didn't look at him. “I need to
geh
home.”

“What about lunch?”

“I told you, I'm not hungry.” As soon as she said the words, her stomach growled, again. Her face pinched in annoyance.

“
Yer
stomach says something different.”

“
Mei
stomach needs to shut up,” she muttered. “Asa,” she said on a sigh, “just take me home.”

He peered at her, hearing her voice crack. Then he saw her bottom lip tremble. She whirled around and hurried to the buggy. She didn't even wait for him as she climbed in. He untethered the horse, and as soon as he got in the buggy, he started to gather the reins—only to see her with her head in her hands.

“Abigail?”

She shook her head, still covering her face. They weren't going anywhere. The parking lot was empty and Asa had put the buggy shield on this morning to ward off the chilly weather. Since they had relative privacy, he moved close to her. “Tell me what's wrong, Abigail.”

She lifted her head. She wasn't crying, but he could see she was trying hard not to. “What's wrong with me?” she asked.

“
Nix
,” he said. “There's
nix
wrong with you.”

“Then why wasn't I enough?” She looked at her lap, then spread her hands over her middle. “Maybe the problem is that I was too much.”

He wasn't sure what that meant, but he could hear the disgust in her voice. “Abigail,” he said tentatively. “Joel was a fool. I already told you that.”

“You said he was an idiot.”

“He's both. How he could let you get away . . .” Now it was his turn for emotion to catch in his throat. It was an unfamiliar feeling. Even when he'd left Shipshewana he hadn't felt this tightness closing around his neck. He'd felt anger that he'd lost his job and house in Shipshewana. Guilt when Susanna became ill. All that happened when he didn't obey God's clear call to leave everything he had and move back to Birch Creek, when God hadn't healed Susanna until Asa had given her up. Then he'd felt profound remorse that God had to do all that for him to listen. But he had never felt the pain now in his chest as he thought about how much Abigail was still hurting.

“I never got away.” She looked at him, her eyes dry now. “He threw me away.”

That was it. He couldn't sit there and not hold her. He put his arm around her shoulders and drew her close. He expected her to pull away, and he was prepared not to let her go. But she melted into him, turning her face into his coat. Then the tears fell.

She wanted her tears to end, but they didn't. She wanted to pull away from Asa, but she couldn't do that either. She was powerless over her body and emotions. Out of control. That's how she felt
about everything. Her eating. Her business. Her future. She was sailing in the wind, like a kite with a broken string.

Until Asa put his arm around her. Until she felt not only his warmth but his compassion. And something else, something deeper that she had never experienced before. She turned her face away from him just long enough to wipe the back of her hand over her eyes, but she kept her ear on his chest, hearing the rapid thump of his heartbeat. For some reason, knowing his pulse was racing as fast as hers gave her some relief from her confusion. She lifted her head.

“It's all right to cry, Abigail. Especially after what you've been through.” He drew his thumb across the top of her cheek.

The touch was featherlight, but she felt it to her toes. His gray eyes turned the color of slate, his black eyelashes moving to half-mast as he brushed her cheek again. His gaze dropped to her mouth and a tickle appeared in her chest.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked.

She had to be honest. “
Ya.
A bit.”

“Sure you don't want anything to eat?”

The words hit her like a bucket of cold water. He hadn't been thinking about kissing her, like she thought he was. Like she had been thinking about kissing him. He was thinking about food. She pulled away from him. “Sure,” she said with a shrug of her shoulders. Obviously he was hungry since he kept pushing lunch.

“Stay here,” he said, then scrambled out of the buggy. She turned to watch him run to the fast-food place and disappear inside. That gave her time to collect her emotions. She couldn't act like that again around Asa. She couldn't be thinking about kissing him or paying attention to his pulse, which was probably racing because of lack of food. She didn't need to be melting down about Joel around him either.

A few minutes later Asa was back with a bag of food and two soft drinks. “We can eat on the road,” he said, handing them to her. “Since you said you had to get home soon.” He took the reins.

She placed the drinks on the floor so they wouldn't spill and opened the bag. Two hamburgers and two fries. Her stomach growled a third time. What a traitorous organ.

“
Geh
ahead and eat,” he said as he maneuvered the buggy onto the street. “I'll wait until we get out of the traffic. Oh, and I didn't get you the salad. I got you some real food.”

One more stomach growl and she couldn't take it anymore. She pulled out the fries, prayed a quick prayer, and started to eat. The fries were hot, salty, and, she had to admit, delicious. Without thinking, she handed one to Asa, who started chomping on it. “
Gut.
Better than leaves.”

“I like salad.”

“Me too. But as a complement to lunch, not as lunch.” He glanced at her. “I'll take another fry.”

She handed him one. “I should eat more salads,” she said, speaking her thoughts out loud.

“Why? Because they're healthy?”

“Because I could stand to lose a few pounds. Okay, many pounds.”

He gave her a side glance. “Who told you that?”

“The scale,
mei
expanding waistline,
mei
huge hips—”

“
Yer
hips are perfect.” He was staring straight ahead, as if the comment had been a casual one. But it wasn't. He thought her hips were perfect? Asa, the epitome of physical perfection, liked her hips?

“I'll take
mei
hamburger now.”

It took a second for his words to register. Then she dug into the bag and pulled out one of the burgers. She carefully unfolded
the wrapping so he could hold on to the burger without making a mess. She expected him to take a bite when instead he said, “You shouldn't put
yerself
down.”

“I'm not. I'm stating a fact. Those are two different things.”

“You're stating an opinion. You think you need to lose weight because of a number.”

“Not just that.
Mei
dresses got too tight. I had to make new ones.”

“Well, that definitely calls for a salad.”

She didn't appreciate his sarcasm. “You don't understand.”

He took a bite of his burger. “Try me,” he said, around the mouthful.

She couldn't speak. How could she admit to him something so personal? A flaw she was embarrassed about? How could she tell him when she was afraid to admit it to herself?

“I'm sorry,” he said after the silence. “I shouldn't have pried.” He paused. “It's just that you seem really bothered by it and I want to help.”

“You can't help me with this,” she whispered. “
Nee
one can.” She looked at the wrapped hamburger in the bag, her appetite gone. She put her half-eaten fries in the bag and folded down the top.

Asa didn't say anything else, and they rode back to her house in silence. When he pulled into the driveway, he looked at her. “Abigail, I'm sorry. I feel like I hurt
yer
feelings.”

She stared at him. He looked almost distraught. “I'm too sensitive. I know that.” She smiled, trying to put him at ease. “It's fine. We're fine,” she added.

He visibly relaxed. “
Gut.
Do you have time to show me
yer
receipts? Now that you have
yer
account set up, I can help you get
yer
ledgers in order.”

She looked at the parking lot in front of the store. It wasn't too crowded, so perhaps Sadie and Aden were doing fine and didn't need her. “I'm sure you have something better to do with
yer
Saturday afternoon than
geh
through
mei
receipts.”

“
Nee.
Remember, I like that kind of stuff.”

“Let me check and see if Sadie needs
mei
help first.”

He nodded. “I'll wait here.”

After finding out Sadie and Aden didn't need her, Abigail came back to the buggy. Asa was sipping on his drink. “They don't need
mei
help right now. You can park
yer
buggy by the barn if you'd like. But I'm warning you,
mei
paperwork is a mess.”

A
sa looked at the shoe box overflowing with small pieces of paper. He almost let out a low whistle, because Abigail wasn't kidding when she said her paperwork was unorganized. But after hurting her feelings earlier, he didn't want to upset her further. He wasn't even sure what he had done, but now he knew how sensitive she was about her weight.

He suspected there was more to it than that, though. Joel, the deaths of her parents—she had a right to be sensitive. If he wanted to earn her trust, he'd have to learn patience.
Is this
mei
lesson, Lord? Patience?
He'd never thought of himself as an impatient man. Then again, when had his patience been tested? When had the stakes been so high?

Abigail sat at the table, her fingers entwined. “That's
mei
filing system. And
mei
bookkeeping system. Sadie says I take after
Daed
when it comes to paperwork. She's still sorting out things she keeps finding in the office.”

Asa nodded. “Everyone has their own system.” He picked up a receipt that had fallen out of the box.

“This is not a system, Asa. It's chaos.”

“Fixable chaos.” He was eager to get started. This looked like a puzzle he would enjoy figuring out and putting back together. “Do you have a ledger book?”

Abigail shook her head. “I've got a notebook. Will that work?”

“
Ya.
But eventually you should get a ledger.”

“Sadie uses spreadsheets.”

“Those would work too.” He started pulling out receipts and putting them in piles. “Help me sort these out. Here's a pile for purchases. One for sales. And one for miscellany.”

“What is considered miscellany?”

“Purchases that don't have anything to do with
yer
business.”

She held up a short receipt. “Like this one?”

He took it from her and examined it. It was a simple cash register receipt for $4.99. “What did you buy?”

Her cheeks pinked. “A dozen donuts.”

“Miscellany.” He set it on the pile. “Unless you need donuts for
yer
weaving.”

“I don't need donuts, period.”

Asa blew out a breath and left off the sorting. He'd had enough. “Abigail, I can't listen to you put
yerself
down anymore.”

She shrank back. “Sorry.”

“Quit apologizing.” He looked her straight in the eye. “You need to stop cutting
yerself
down.”

“I can't help it.” She averted her gaze.

“I don't remember you being like this when we were
kinner
,” Asa said.

“I'm not the same as I was before.”

True. He softened his tone. “I'm not going to judge you if you want donuts or a hamburger or a candy bar. It doesn't matter to me what you eat. It shouldn't matter to anyone else, either.”

“You didn't hear . . .” She didn't look at him as she spoke.

“Hear what?”

She sighed. “When I first came back to church after I was in Middlefield with Joanna, I was looking for a seat. Someone made a comment as I passed by about how much weight I'd gained. It was a whispered comment and I know I wasn't meant to hear it. But I did. Joel broke up with me that afternoon. He didn't give me a reason, other than he wasn't in love with me.”

“And you think that's because of
yer
weight?”

“
Ya.
” Then she shook her head. “
Nee.
Not entirely. He was seeing Rebecca while I was away. He told me.”

Asa fisted his hands. Why was she so hung up on a guy who would cheat on her and discard her the way he did?

“But the thought is still in
mei
brain. That maybe he wouldn't be with Rebecca if I hadn't come back to Middlefield twenty pounds heavier.”

“You would have wanted him back even though he cheated on you?”

She paused. “Maybe.”

Did she really think so little of herself? “Abigail, listen to me. You deserve someone who will treat you well and put you first in his life. Someone who will love you the way you are, for the rest of his life.” He couldn't prevent his gaze from scanning her body even if he wanted to. “Who thinks you're perfect the way you look right now.”

He heard her breath catch and knew he'd revealed too much. So much for patience. He hadn't heard God's voice in several days, and the irony wasn't lost on him that the Lord had put him in this position and was now letting him sink or swim on his own.

“Do you think that, Asa?”

Her question made him freeze. He'd just promised himself he'd hold back. That he'd be patient with her. But she was asking him with such genuine interest that he couldn't lie. He could never lie to this woman. “
Ya
,” he said softly. “I do.”

“Why?”

Of course she'd want to know why. How could he tell her? How could he show her?

He took her hand. “Come with me.”

She resisted at first. “Where?”

“Just trust me, Abigail.”

She glanced down at their hands joined together. Then she stood.

He took a deep breath and prayed he was doing the right thing.

“The bathroom, Asa?” She looked at him as he shut the door in the small bathroom off the kitchen.

“Do you have a mirror somewhere else?”

She had a small one in her bedroom, but she wasn't about to let him take her upstairs. This was stupid and uncomfortable. She should have never told him about what she'd heard in church, or about her fear about Joel. He must think her an idiot for even considering taking Joel back. Which she wouldn't, even if he did break up with Rebecca. Although she had thought about it one time. Once. Then she had to go admitting it to Asa.

He turned on the battery-operated lamp and looked at her. Really looked at her, his gray eyes scrutinizing her from the top of her
kapp
down to her toes. But there was no criticism there. No judgment. Simply . . . appreciation.

Without a word he took her hand again. He faced her toward the mirror, then stood behind her, his chin barely scraping the top of her
kapp
.

“Here's what I see,” he said, then cleared his throat. “I see a pair of beautiful brown eyes that sparkle when you laugh—and when you beat me at Dutch Blitz.”

That brought a small smile to her face. He pointed to it.

“I see a smile that takes
mei
breath away.” He paused, then ran the back of his fingers over her cheek. “Soft, rosy skin.” He pulled his hand away. “A cute round face.”

She prickled at the word
round
. He must have noticed because he said, “I like round.”

Abigail tried to move away from him, but he put his hands on her shoulders. She faced him. “You don't have to try to make me feel better.”

“Is that what you think I'm doing?”

“I know it's what you're doing.”

“I'm trying to tell you what I see when I look at you.” Then he surprised her by closing his eyes. When he opened them again he said, “I guess I'll have to show you.”

She couldn't breathe as he cupped her cheek with his hand. “If I didn't like what I see I wouldn't do this,” he whispered. Then he leaned forward and kissed the top of her cheek.

One tiny wisp of a kiss. On the cheek, no less. And that had made her feel more than anything she'd ever experienced with Joel. “O-okay. You've m-made
yer
point.” Oh no. She was reduced to stuttering.

“I don't think so. You're kind of stubborn, in case you didn't know.” He kissed the top of her other cheek. “See? I like them both.”

“Asa—”

He put his finger on her lips. “I'm not finished. Abigail, you don't understand how much it hurts me to hear you put
yerself
down. You're rejecting something I like, something I find attractive. I'm sure I crossed the line by not only pulling you into this bathroom to be alone with me, but by kissing you. So I won't blame you for being mad at me.” He moved his finger away. “But I'm not sorry. And I don't regret it.”

Well, if that wasn't the most perfect thing to say. “I'm not mad.” And she wasn't. She'd never felt so special in her life. Without thinking, she put her arms around his neck. His hands went to her hips, right below her waist. She stiffened a bit, self-conscious that he was touching her in the one place she'd put on the most weight.

“Don't,” he said, not moving his hands away. “I like all of you. Inside and out.”

She relaxed, and he drew her closer to him. “I'm going to kiss you, Abigail. And not on the cheek.” Before she could protest—not that she was going to, not this time—he bent his head and touched his lips to hers. Again his touch was light and tentative, yet made her feel things she'd never felt before. It was her that deepened the kiss, and he definitely didn't back away.

A knock on the door. “Abigail?” Sadie's voice sounded from the other side.

Asa's eyes filled with panic as they jumped away from each other. Abigail put her finger on her lips and drew back the shower curtain. She pointed to the door, then got in the tub. She stood as still as a statue as the curtain closed. Then she heard the toilet flush before Asa opened the door. Ya
, he's smart.

“Sorry,” Asa said. “I'm not Abigail.”

Abigail held her breath. She did
not
want to be here when Sadie came in. But what other choice did she have? She couldn't
let her sister see her and Asa alone together in the bathroom. She could still feel the tingle of Asa's lips on hers, and the slight burn on her cheeks where his stubbly chin had rubbed while they were kissing. She closed her eyes.
Lord, forgive me.
She couldn't let this happen again. Why was she so weak when it came to men?

“Oh,” Sadie said. “I was looking for her. Someone wanted to purchase a rug and there wasn't a price on it.”

“She must have run upstairs while I was in here,” Asa said.

“Okay, I'll
geh
find her.”

When Sadie disappeared, Abigail jumped out of the shower. “What did you tell her that for?”

He held up his hands. “Would you rather I tell her you're hiding in the shower?”

“Of course not.” She moved past him. “But you could have thought of something else.”

“
Mei
mind's not exactly working very well right now.”

The low, husky way he said the words sent a shiver down her spine. She didn't dare look at him. Instead she went into the living room, took a deep breath, and yelled at Sadie upstairs. “I'm down here,” she said, irritated that she still sounded breathless. Who wouldn't after a kiss like that?

“Oh,” Sadie said, appearing at the top of the stairs. “Asa said you were up here.”

“
Nee.
Been down here the whole time.” She bit her bottom lip. At least it wasn't a lie. “What did you need?”

Sadie told her about the customer as she descended the stairs. “Can you talk to her? I didn't want to set a price for the rug and charge too much or too little.”

Abigail nodded. She'd do anything to get away from Asa right now. It was bad enough that she had to see him as she walked into the kitchen. This time she couldn't look away. The
dark smokiness was still in his eyes as he met her gaze. “I, uh, have to
geh
to the, uh, store.” Wow. She sounded like a fool.

“Sadie told me.” He leaned against the doorjamb of the bathroom.

How could he be so casual? The first thought that came to her was that he hadn't felt the same depth of emotion that she had. But that wasn't true. She knew it in her heart. He was just better at keeping his emotions together.

She and Sadie left for the store. It didn't take long to talk to the customer, who had eagerly agreed to pay what Abigail asked for the rug. Abigail rang her up, then took the receipt. She looked at it, took a pencil from the can by the cash register, and wrote down which rug was sold. She set the receipt aside and looked for something to do in the near-empty store, anything to keep from facing Asa again. She started straightening shelves and was able to do it for a while before Sadie came up to her.