A Love Worth Waiting For and Heaven Knows (29 page)

“Me? Tease? I'm dead serious.” He hefted the big pack, with the heavy gear, out of the back of the truck bed and offered it to her. “Here, Alexandra. Since I'm just the chauffeur, not the pack mule.”

“Oh, you have other uses, too.”

It would be so easy to draw her into his arms and hold her sheltered and safe against his chest. Simple to give in to the tenderness he longed to feel for her.

Maybe he could give in. Just a little.

“I'm so glad you invited me.” She eased into her backpack. “I can't wait to get started. How far are we going to hike in?”

“About two miles. Can you make it?”

“Me? Sure. The question is, can you?”

“Questioning my strength and endurance, are you? I'm not the most decorated member of the county's search and rescue team for nothing.”

“Sure, go ahead and brag. You've never been up against me before.”

“Is that a challenge? I have to warn you. I'm a competitive kind of guy. I play to win.”

“Ooh, me, too. Last one there has to put up the tents.” She quirked one brow, eyeing him up and
down as if she wasn't impressed with what she saw. “Prepare to eat our dust.”

“It's grassy. There is no dust.” He slid his arms into the padded straps, letting the heavy weight of the pack settle along his back. “Go ahead. I'll give you a head start. You're going to need it.”

“Awfully confident, aren't you?”

“Sure. I'm an awfully confident guy. I always get what I want.”

“Then what are you waiting for?” She held out her hand.

His fingers slipped through hers as if they were made to be there. Hand in hand. Her smaller palm fit inside his perfectly. He felt another rend in the wall protecting his heart. He knew it was wrong, but he held on to her, matching his longer stride to hers as they headed shoulder to shoulder into the forest.

 

“Hurry, Alexandra! Dad's gonna beat us!”

“I'm hurrying.” She was out of wind.

Okay, so John was in excellent shape. One look at his amazing physique would tell her that, but she
had
to win. The climb was uphill, and the rocks kept crumbling beneath her boots. It didn't help that John grabbed hold of her backpack and playfully held her in place.

“No fair.” She twisted away, but he took advantage, sprinting past her on the narrow ridge. “You get a penalty for that unnecessary roughness, buddy.”

“What kind of penalty?”

“I don't know. You're already in trouble with me.”

“Me? In trouble? Impossible. I'm a good guy. Innocent. I don't cause trouble.”

“I don't have your mom's potato salad recipe, do I? Nope. Someone broke his word to me on that.”

“I couldn't get it. Mom's ruthless when it comes to her secret recipe.”

“Fine, but you
are
her son. You have an inside track.”

“You might think so, but my mom said she'd give it to me if I married, and not until.”

“Well, if that's what it takes.” She caught hold of his backpack and tugged enough to slow him down.

He fell in line beside her. “Hey! You're stronger than you look.”

“You just remember that when you're putting up the tents, loser.” She shouldered past, gaining the lead. “You'll be working to the sweat while Hailey and I soak our feet in the creek. Right, Hailey?”

“Yep. Unless there's bugs 'n' stuff.” Hailey led the way, being the experienced hiker she was. “Ooh, that's where we always camp.”

“C'mon, Hailey, let's run.” She grabbed the little girl's hand, and they laughed together, trying to get ahead as John swept his daughter off her feet.

“Hey, Dad!”

“Maybe we'll be soaking our toes while Alex
andra does the tents.” John swung his daughter to his chest and held her tight, awkward backpack and all, and her merry giggle lifted on the breeze, echoing across the rugged peaks of the mountains all around them. “C'mon, kid. We're gonna win.”

“Oh, yeah?” Alexandra dug down deep. It was hard to admit she was tired from the several miles' walk at high altitude, but she wasn't about to let John beat her. She had her reputation to uphold! She started running. He glanced over his shoulder, saw she was gaining and ran harder.

“Oh, no!” She wasn't going to lose. She sprinted all-out, chugging past him, her backpack clunking against her lower back as she shot ahead and into a mountain meadow lush and green.

An elk lifted its head, heavy rack of antlers pointing into the sky, and took off in a streak of brown into the trees.

“Already scaring off the neighbors.” Out of breath, John eased Hailey to the ground. “That poor elk is running back to his family to tell them the neighborhood is going downhill, now that the humans have moved in.”

“Or he's telling the hungry bears where to find us.”

“Not used to being so remote?”

There was no sign of civilization anywhere. Only the velvety texture of trees on the high slope, the soar of an eagle overhead and the echoing presence of nature that felt vast and powerful. She felt small
against such greatness, and enlivened, too. “I've never been anywhere like this, and I'm a country girl.”

“Then you like it?”

“Love it.” She breathed deep, taking in the crisp mountain air and gazing at God's beautiful handiwork. “I could get used to having elk for my neighbors.”

“That's why we come up here all the time.” John took her hand in his, big, warm, strong.

She felt the connection between them deep in her heart.

“You go dip your toes in the creek and rest up.” John squeezed her fingers gently, tenderly, before he moved away. “Since Hailey and I are big losers, we'll put up the tents.”

“I didn't lose,” Hailey protested gaily. “You grabbed me up and I couldn't help it.”

“Sometimes life isn't fair.” John ruffled his daughter's hair, all affection, and all unshakable fatherly protection. “C'mon. Let's show Alexandra how it's done. She might be a country girl, but she doesn't know how it's done in Montana.”

When John brushed a kiss on Alexandra's cheek, hope rose within her, growing with every beat of her heart.

 

“Is she asleep?” Alexandra whispered over the crackle of the fire as John emerged from the dark.

“As soon as her head hit the pillow.” He swung his leg over the log and hunkered down next to her. “She ate so many s'mores, it's a shock she could actually sleep.”

“Me, too. I'm in the throes of a sugar high.” Alexandra reached into the open plastic bag and fished out another marshmallow. “You might as well join me.”

“How can I resist the temptation?” He held out his hand, palm up, for the fluffy treat. “Having fun yet?”

“You could call it that.” She'd had the best day. Exploring the mountainside with Hailey, searching for the wild roses that bloomed in early summer. Letting John hold her hand as they walked in the meadow, watching an eagle soar overhead and the elk return to see if his grazing spot was still full of humans.

“I'm glad.” John pierced the marshmallow with the end of a willow stick he'd carved earlier, one for each of them. “Not too many women like to hang out in the backcountry.”

“I'm one of those rare women, I guess,” she said lightly, teasing.

“I'll say.” He wasn't teasing. “You haven't complained once.”

“What's to complain about?”

“No running water, no warm water and no indoor plumbing, for a start.”

“I love those things, believe me. But isn't this something?” She gazed up at the sky above, the stars so thick and close she felt as if she could gather them up in her hands.

“This is something.” John wasn't looking at the heavens.

He was gazing at her. In the flickering firelight, he was completely exposed. His guard down. She could see past his tender heart into the goodness of his soul.

She could sense his thoughts even before he leaned closer. Before his gaze focused on her waiting lips. His eyes grew as dark as dreams as he waited, the air buzzing between them, the infinite night and the diamond sky witnesses as he dipped to cover her mouth with his.

His kiss was like moonlight, silvered and rare. Like the gentlest brush of nightfall. It was like coming home and finding forever all in one sweet touch. His kiss was pure tenderness and all heart.

His kiss made her ache all the way to the bottom of her heart with a love so fierce and pure, she couldn't stop it. Couldn't deny it. Couldn't make these powerful, wonderful feelings stop. Not even when he broke the kiss, staying close to gaze into her eyes, and their souls touched.

A
lexandra snuggled into her sleeping bag, trying as hard as she could not to make any sound and wake Hailey. The little girl slumbered in her own sleeping bag, turned on her side so that all Alexandra could see of her was the fall of blond hair across her pillow.

It was cozy being here like this. Sweet. Humbling. With John's kiss still tingling on her lips, with the connection between them still unbroken, she dared to think about a future with John. With the man she loved.

This really is love, she realized. A love like she'd never known before. A power of love she never knew existed.

It was like the passage from Corinthians. John's love was patient and kind. It did not demand its own way. He was not jealous or proud, boastful or rude.

This was her new day, her new opportunity with John. This was her one chance at a happily-ever-after. At a hope and the future the Lord promised. Was John planning to propose?

Thank you for leading me here, Father.
She was grateful with all she was and all she had. If this love she and John shared could blossom and grow into a marriage and a life together, then she would never ask for anything else. What would she need? She would already have everything that mattered. Hailey would be her daughter. Her very own daughter. John would be the love of her life. A true soul mate. And later there would be babies. Precious gifts from the Father above to celebrate their beautiful love.

Sure, she was getting ahead of herself, but she could see the future like a bright glittering star right there on the horizon, ready to rise into the sky and shine brighter than any other star in the heavens. That's how wonderful her future was going to be as John's wife.

Happy tears burned in her eyes and wet her face. Every trial she'd been through in her life was worth it, because it made her who she was. Her hardships had brought her here, to John's loving arms. She had everything she'd ever prayed for. Ever wanted. Would ever dream of.

Love filled her, true and pure, generous and kind, unconditional and infinite. She lay long into
the night, dreaming—just dreaming of how her future with John would be—until sleep carried her away.

 

I shouldn't have done that, Lord. I never should have kissed Alexandra for real. Full on the lips. And meant it.
John buried his face in his hands. What had he been thinking? He wasn't thinking—that was the problem. He'd been acting on his feelings. On the bright, singular affection that was too beautiful for the likes of him to be feeling.

I know I don't deserve another chance at paradise, Lord. But if I had the right to take Alexandra as my wife, I'd protect her always. Cherish her more than any man could love his wife. If I could only deserve such a gift as her love.

John couldn't bring himself to ask for such a blessing from the Lord. He didn't have to close his eyes to see the image; it was already flashing through his mind. The rope breaking with a snap. The whip of the broken rope against the sheet of granite and Bobbie's cry as she started to fall. He'd been rehammering a piton because the rock was stubborn and Bobbie hadn't gotten it in deep enough. In the second it took for him to figure out what was going on and grab the safety, she'd already plunged past him. Bobbie! The rope jerked tight with her weight. Saving her.

Adrenaline had electrified him, and he started
dragging her up, hand over hand, thankful the piton held her safe. She dangled ten feet below him, gazing up with fear stark on her face, the plea in her eyes unmistakable. The valley floor stretched out over three thousand feet below.

“Hold on to the rock.” But it was too late. The piton broke away, he was off balance and he couldn't keep ahold of her hand. Her glove started to peel away…

Lord, I can't remember this. I can't relive that moment again.
John squeezed his eyes shut, praying for the images to vanish. He breathed hard, fighting until the memory cleared.

He'd died that day, too. Every prayer he made, every Sunday service he attended, every time he opened a Bible, there it was. The one thing he could not be forgiven for. The shame and horror that he could not face. Could not bear to look at. And what was worse, was that God knew. God, who knew every failure, right there, hiding in John's soul.

There was no way he could deserve Alexandra or her precious love.

John sat on the log and stared at the embers that had been their campfire. Watched as the glow faded from the embers until there was only ashes and darkness.

 

Alexandra woke to the symphony of birdsong that proceeded the dawn, as if a thousand birds of
every kind were singing to the eastern horizon, calling the sun to rise. Who could sleep through that much noise? Apparently Hailey could. Alexandra punched her pillow and closed her eyes. It was no good. Slumber eluded her because she was thinking about John.

What a kiss. What a man. Remembering, Alexandra felt joy fill her in a slow, warm sweep. A wonderful glow filled her, a contented happiness unlike anything she'd ever known. She couldn't wait to see him. Could he be up this early?

It wasn't sunrise, but she was going to find out. Besides, if she'd lie here tossing and turning, she might wake Hailey. No sense in doing that, so she slipped out of her sleeping bag and unzipped the tent flap.

John's pup tent looked silent as she refastened the flap and pulled her sweatshirt on over her shirt. He
could
be asleep in there. She felt alone. The wind had a bite to it, and she shivered. Maybe she could get a fire going and start a pot of coffee—

Something moved in the shadows. A man's wide shoulders and straight back. It was John. He sat with his elbows on his knees, hands together, watching the eastern horizon. With his back to her, he didn't know she was there.

What a man. She couldn't help admiring him, this good man she'd fallen in love with. He heard the pad of her step and his spine straightened.

“Good morning, handsome.” She wrapped her arms around his neck from behind.

He stiffened and for an entire minute, he didn't move. Then his hands braced her forearms and he unwound her from his throat. “Good morning.”

He sounded pretty gruff. Alexandra felt slapped. Didn't John want her affection? That hadn't been the story last night. Maybe he didn't sleep well.

Or perhaps he regretted their kiss.

No, that couldn't be true. John had held her with incredible tenderness. It had been no accident, but a deliberate act of love. It couldn't be faked.

But it could be regretted.

Alexandra stumbled. She felt as if the earth had disappeared beneath her feet. Last night she'd thought he would want a life with her. But now…

No, maybe he's tired or not feeling well. She'd
felt
the love in his heart. She
knew
it was there.

What she needed to do was to figure out what was troubling him. She would make it right, whatever it was. She settled down beside him. “Did you get much sleep?”

“Nope.”

His gaze was shuttered. So was his heart. Different from last night. He was like he'd been when they first met. Distant. Brooding. Unreachable. What was wrong? “Did the owl keep you up?”

“I'm used to owls.”

“The deer were pretty loud grazing in the
meadow. I woke up to the sound of them chewing right outside the tent.”

“I'm used to deer, too.”

Not a good sign. “Was it our kiss? You regret it. Oh, you do.” She watched in horror as he turned away, as if ashamed and weighted down by regret.

“It never should have happened. I wasn't thinking. I had no right to kiss you. None at all. I know what you think. You're hoping there's a future in this. But I have to be honest. I can't lie to you, Alexandra. I never meant—” He turned away, tendons cording in his throat, muscles straining in his jaw. “It won't happen again.”

“I see.” Her heart began to splinter into a billion tiny shards, so sharp-edged, the pain left her breathless and reeling. John didn't want her. He didn't want her kiss.

Those dreams of a future as John's wife lifted like soap bubbles into the air and popped into nothing at all. She hid her face in her hands, embarrassed and ashamed. Way to go, Alexandra. He had to know she was in love with him. She'd shown him her heart. Why didn't he love her?

Her mother's words reeled into her mind like a whisper from the mountaintops.
Don't think you'll grow up to be no different than me, Alexandra… Who's gonna love you?

Oh, John. I thought you could. I thought— She launched off the log and fisted her hands, walking
hard. Embarrassment burned hot as flame in her soul as she took refuge in the shadows.

Pain slashed through her, sharper than any blade could ever cut. Her hand flew to her chest, but it couldn't stop the agony ripping through her. Nothing in her life had ever hurt like this. Not one thing. Worse, it was all her fault. She'd wanted John so much. She loved him, heart and soul.

She'd needed a hero. A white knight to save her from her past. From the hurt Patrick had put into her heart and from the lost little girl she'd been, craving a bright, sheltering love.

She'd been a fool. At least, that's how she felt. Shame burned her face, and she was grateful for the dark. Glad John couldn't see her.

“Alexandra.” His voice came from directly behind her.

Oh, Lord, don't let him see me like this. Don't let him guess how wrong I've been.
He can't know how deeply I love him. She desperately needed some scrap of pride to hold on to.

Then he touched her, curling his hand around her shoulder. Making the agony inside her bleed.

“I'm sorry. If it helps, I'd like to marry you. If I could.”

“No, that doesn't help.” It was worse.

He pulled her into his arms. His embrace was the shelter she'd always craved. His love the soft place she'd always yearned for. She leaned into him,
letting him take some of her pain, allowing him to be her comfort.

He smelled like woodsmoke and pine needles, and the soft fleece of his sweatshirt caressed the side of her face. With her ear against his chest, she listened to him breathe and to the rapid beat of his heart. Thumping fast and hard and hollow. She never wanted to let him go.

“You are a wonderful woman.” His hand curled around her nape, his fingers tender on her vulnerable spine as he cradled her against him. “You deserve a man with a whole heart to give you.”

“I'd take whatever you could spare.”

“No.” He brushed his lips against her temple, a tender and brief kiss that would be their last. “You don't understand. You don't know what I am.”

“You are my protector and my friend. You are the most noble man I've ever met.”

John felt as if an ax was cleaving his heart in two. He hated seeing the depth of her love for him, glittering in her like a rare and precious gem. Her heart was so open and so easy to read. How could he turn away? He wanted her love more than anything on this planet. He wanted her with his entire soul. “I'm not so noble.”

“Yes, you are. After all this time, you're still in love with your wife.”

It would be easy to let her think that. Then he'd never risk losing her love. She'd never know the
kind of man he was. Never look at him and see less than the protector she thought him to be.

He loved Alexandra. With his entire being. With all he was and all he had. If he could simply hold her in his arms, keep her nestled against his heart and feel her gentle love wrap around him, then he knew this agony in his soul would end. She could make his guilt disappear. She could be the balm to soothe the mortal wounds in his past.

He didn't need to tell her the truth. All he had to do was to tell her that he loved her. He could still fix this. He wanted to be weak, not noble, to hold on to her forever so this soul-rending pain would end.

But it wasn't right. It wasn't fair. Alexandra deserved a better man than he could be. Ever.

Forcing her away from him felt as if he were ripping his heart out of his chest without the benefit of anesthesia, but it had to be done. He took a deep breath and gathered what remained of his integrity.

“I'm not still in love with my wife,” he confessed. “I'm responsible for her death.”

“No.” Alexandra's denial was fierce and instantaneous.

“I wasn't strong enough to hold her. To keep her from falling.”

“John, that's not true. You aren't in control of life and death. Only God is.”

“You weren't there.” She stubbornly wanted to
believe the best in him, and he wasn't going to let her. “I couldn't find it in me to keep my wife from falling three thousand feet to her death. I should have been able to save her, and I couldn't. My heart fell right along with her, all three thousand feet, and crashed to the ground. I can't love you. I can't.”

He marched off, leaving her in the shadows, as the sun rose, a peachy gold smudge over the mountains. Watching John walk away was the toughest thing she'd ever done. God gave her strength as she swiped at the wetness on her cheeks, willing no more tears to fall.

She was strong enough for this. God had led her here to show her that. She took a deep breath, and felt wounded and whole all at once. Loving John had given her a strength she didn't know she had. Strength she would need in order to let him go.

It was over between them. There had never been a chance for them. Ever.

Raw emotion left her trembling as she eased to her knees in the tall grass. Hidden by the shadows, she covered her face with her hands and let the hot, burning tears come. The pain in her heart did not end, even after the tears had run dry.

She knew it never would.

 

Patrick Kline eased up on the accelerator, not bothering to signal as he cut across two lanes of traffic and zipped onto the off-ramp just in time.
Might as well check this last exit. Being the ambitious attorney came in handy most of the time—he'd learned to be thorough and logical. He'd checked the gas stations, convenience stores and campgrounds off every exit since Seattle.