A Man Named Dave (22 page)

But as much as I wanted to, as deceptions and confrontations continued to mount up, I could never trust the one person I wanted to love.

Because Patsy and I were so far behind in our rent, I moved from the condominium and into a smaller apartment that was closer to the base. I tried to break up with Patsy, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Whenever I came close to explaining that we were just two different people, Patsy and I would both cry and make up, promising each other we would indeed, this time, work things out.

By Christmas of 1985, as I drove Patsy to the house of Alice’s daughter’s, the feeling from the year before had completely evaporated. On the way to the Bay Area, I yelled at her until she cried all over her new dress just moments before I pulled up to Mary’s home. Recently I had found myself becoming petty, cold, and resentful. My feelings came from how I felt about myself, but I had begun to take them out on Patsy. Even after I erupted on her, blaming her for all my problems, she didn’t say a word. After I parked the car, she took my hand, saying I worried too much and assuring me everything would work out. Of all the things I disliked about Patsy, at times she carried me when I fought myself.

Hours later, as I hugged Alice good-bye, Patsy leaned close, whispering, “Oh I forgot to tell you, Alice is coming with us. She’s gonna spend a few days with my mom. Alice has been looking forward to this for a while now.”

By the look on Alice’s face, I knew it was another lie. For some reason I could not understand, I felt Patsy was beginning to manipulate, of all people, my foster mother. But after blowing up at Patsy just hours ago, I thought maybe once again I was being overly paranoid. After all, Alice and Patsy’s mother Dottie Mae had been friends for some time, taking trips to Reno, and Alice had stayed at Dottie Mae’s apartment for weeks at a time. My only fear was having Alice sucked into Patsy’s and my bizarre world.

“My mom doesn’t even have an overnight bag,” I quietly stated to Patsy while trying to read her true intentions.

“Loosen up, you worry too much. If you must know,” Patsy said, smiling, “I’ve been planning a surprise birthday party for you, and, well, Alice wanted to come.” I felt like a complete idiot. Suddenly everything made sense. The last couple of weeks I had known Patsy was up to something, to the point that some of my friends at the squadron were acting strange. Now more than ever, I knew I needed to let down my guard. “I’m gonna gain your trust,” Patsy said as she kissed me. “You’ll see.”

Two mornings later I awoke to a ringing phone. I shot up, thinking it was an emergency squadron recall. That meant I had to report to the base as soon as possible. I was relieved to discover Patsy’s chipper voice on the other line. “David,” she shouted, “I’m at the hospital!”

“Oh, my God!” I said. “Are you okay?” Not fully awake yet, I wasn’t even aware that Patsy had left that early in the morning.

“Chill out, I’m fine. Listen,” she said with glee, “my mom and Alice are with me … I’ve got great news…” In the background I could hear Alice and Dottie Mae trying to speak over Patsy. “They’re so happy to be grandparents!”

“What?” I cried, trying to shake my head clear, “Say again!”

“David,” Patsy announced, “I’m going to have your baby!”

There was no romantic proposal. Patsy and I became “engaged” at a local Mexican restaurant. While there, because I felt overwhelmed with shame about the pregnancy, I spilled over with apologies to Alice at one table while Patsy chatted away with her mother, Dottie Mae, at another. After an hour of sulking in front of my foster mother, the four of us ate dinner, followed by Dottie Mae and Alice springing up and announcing our imminent marriage to strangers enjoying their dinners, who clapped feverishly while I squirmed in my seat. Since I soon was leaving to fly overseas for over a month, Patsy and I set the date for the second week in February.

Days later, on New Year’s Eve, I was still consumed with a combination of guilt and rage – not against Patsy but myself. After years of self-discipline and going to great lengths to build a good life, I had thrown caution to the wind. I never had the guts to confront Patsy and sever our ties once and for all. And yet part of me began to feel maybe I had led her on. As unnerving and irresponsible as Patsy was, it was I who had held on.

It didn’t really matter what I thought, how I felt, or how I analyzed the situation. The bottom line was Patsy and I – who had similar childhoods but at the same time as adults saw the world in different ways – were to become parents.

Ever since Patsy had phoned me days ago from the hospital, I had been seized with fear. It wasn’t an issue of escaping parenthood; it was a matter of responsibility. For most of my life I had felt rejected and inferior, so now as an adult, how could I abandon my own child? More than that, knowing full well that children who were severely abused stood a strong chance of becoming abusers themselves made me all the more terrified. As much as I had told Patsy about my childhood, she only knew the tip of the iceberg. As I promised myself years ago, in order to protect the person I was with, I had for the most part maintained my vow of burying the past. To compound the situation, since living with Patsy, I had come to realize how petty and argumentative I could be. If that wasn’t enough, air crew members in general had an extremely high divorce rate. As these thoughts clashed in my mind, I became consumed with the single thought of doing what was right for my baby.

Here I was lying in bed, next to my future wife, a person I would spend the rest of my life with, hours before the fresh start to a new year, and yet I did not trust her, let alone have the love for Patsy that she claimed to have for me. I truly didn’t mean to, but at times I displayed the affection of a statue. To the outside world, I had a great career, but on the inside, after years of pushing down my emotions in order to survive, I had become robotic. How in the world, I asked myself, could I raise my baby with love and encouragement when I barely had feelings for my fiancée and far less for myself?

Patsy was far more optimistic. “I’ve always wanted to have a baby,” she cried. “My mom’s got all boys for grand kids, and maybe, maybe we’ll have a girl. This is going to be so great. I can dress and bathe the baby; I’ll never be alone. This baby will be the answer to my prayers. A baby will make my life whole. We are going to be so happy.”

The more Patsy prattled on, the more I felt she lacked the seriousness and all that having a baby entailed. Only days ago, we had been arguing for the umpteenth time, and now because of her pregnancy, suddenly everything was going to be roses. I couldn’t help but think: How could a person who constantly scraped by in everyday life manage a baby?

Clearing my head of Patsy, my thoughts turned to the one person I had to inform of my upcoming marriage. With the phone shaking in my hand, I punched the numbers to Mother’s private line. Even though I had secretly had her telephone number for years, this was the first time, since Father’s funeral, I had made contact with her. Holding my breath, I asked myself why I was doing this. Nothing was going to change. Mother still hated me and always would. But I still felt a bizarre need for her approval, and I thought maybe, because of the years gone by, the holiday season coming and the good news of getting married just might soften her heart. I shook my head at the thought, but before I could hang up the phone, Mother’s hacking voice came on. “Yes, hello?” Mother coughed.

I swallowed hard. “Mrs Pelzer?”

At the other end I could hear her gagging reply. “Yes, and who is this?”

“Mrs Pelzer, this is David” – for a split second I panicked before completing the sentence – “David Pelzer.”

“And how did
you
get this number?” Mother bellowed.

As calmly as possible I stated, “I only called to wish you a Happy New Year, and … I, uh, wanted to tell you that, ah, I’m – I’m going to get … get married.”

After a few seconds of dead silence Mother replied, “Well, yes, that’s good of you.”

I wasn’t sure of Mother’s meaning, or if she had really heard what I had just told her. “I said, I’m getting married … a little after New Year’s.”

“And the same to you,” Mother chimed.

“Thank you … but I’m getting …” As I stumbled in my vain attempt to draw her out, the line clicked dead. All I could do was lean against the headboard while still clutching the phone. In the course of a few days, my life had spun out of control. With the phone still in my hand, I began to shake from anxiety. My thoughts continued to shoot off in a thousand different directions, until just a few minutes before midnight when I finally drifted off in an uneasy sleep. My last thought of 1985 was how unworthy I felt of becoming a father.

Patsy and I were married in mid-February, in a small church of the town where she had been raised. Not a single member of my squadron – my air force family – came to the wedding. After several of them had given me excuses before the ceremony, I learned through the grapevine that they did not support my decision. One of my female co-pilots was so upset that she pinned me against a wall days before the wedding. “This is the real deal, Pelz,” the lieutenant stated. “I know why you’re doing this. We all do. There’s something you should know … It’s not easy for me to say, you’re like a brother to me … I’m not saying your fiancée's a derelict, but I’ve seen her kind before.”

By then the frustration was too much for me. “Don’t you think I know? I gotta do this … you don’t know, I mean, it’s my responsibility.”

“You’re wrapped pretty tight, Pelz-man. You don’t have to get married. You can still be the father, see the kid and all that. You better think about that baby and what happens if things don’t work out,” she warned.

Agitated, I grabbed my fellow crew member – an air force officer – by the lapels and flung her against the wall. “Don’t
you
get it? That’s all I do is think about the baby? What do you and the others want me to do? I see you, all of you, looking at me, talking about me behind my back, saying what an idiot I am for doing this. You think it’s like I’m trapped into this. You’re wrong, you’re all wrong! You don’t know, you really don’t. You think I can just pack my bags, hit the bricks, and flee? Ride off into the sunset or fly off into the wild blue yonder? Well, I can’t do that!

“I know the odds are against me. But you don’t know me. I’ve beaten the odds before. I’ll make it work, you’ll see. Besides,” I smiled, “Patsy loves me, she does. She really does.”

My co-pilot leaned over to hug me. “Now, who’s the one you’re trying to convince? You don’t have to do this. You say the word, and … I could round up the rest of the crew and we’ll kidnap you and take you to Reno. We’ll make it a no-notice deployment. I’ve got it all planned. You think about it. We’re all just a phone call away.”

“Thanks, Lisa.” I swallowed. “That’s about the kindest thing anybody ever said to me.”

I had received the same response from David Howard, my childhood friend from foster care, who was so against the marriage that he refused to attend, even after I begged him to be my best man. Out of frustration, I blurted into the phone, “For God’s sake, I’m begging you, stand with me. Please?” I groveled.

David and I had known each other for over ten years, and he was one of the first friends I ever had. He gave a deep sigh. “I know a lot’s happening really fast, but I saw this coming. Did you know that Patsy practically bragged to my girlfriend that she’d do anything she could to marry you?”

I brushed David off. “Come on, man, you took it the wrong way. She meant it … in, ah, a romantic way.”

David replied, “Get with it, man. I’m not downing Pats, but it’s not like you’ve been ‘out there’ when it comes to dating. I know and respect what you’re trying to do with your life, but man, what’s it gonna be like for the kid with the two of you going at it all the time? You know what it’s like. My old man was the same way. What then?” After a few seconds of silence he went on, “I’m sorry, man, I can’t back your play on this. I love you bro, but –”

“Hey man,” I jumped in, “I, ah, I understand.” Thinking quickly, I tried one last time. “I know you two don’t get along that well, but Patsy’s really a great lady, a class act –”

“Yo, man, hold up. Don’t even go there with that one!” David interrupted. “Are you even listening to yourself? You two are as different as oil and water. Again, I’m not downing Patsy, but I know how this whole thing’s gonna end.”

Patsy, who I discovered had been straining to listen in, snatched the phone from my hand.
“We
don’t need you or want you at
our
wedding. So … fuck off!”

David’s and Lisa’s warnings still rang in my ears as Patsy strolled down the aisle at the wedding. I gazed left, at the groom’s side of the church. Besides Alice’s daughter, Mary, and son-in-law, Del, and a handful of others, my side was virtually empty. Patsy’s side spilled over with friends, relatives, and nearly every member of the town, who beamed as Patsy made her way to the minister. At least one friend from my days in foster care, J. D. Thorn, stood with me as my best man. I was so nervous during the exchange of the vows, I dropped Patsy’s ring. Later at the reception, one of Patsy’s brothers smiled widely as he slapped me on the back, announcing to the world, “You’s family now!”

Within a short time Patsy and I were fortunate enough to move into military base housing. Before I set off for another extended overseas assignment, the two of us set our ground rules. She surprised me by adamantly stating she had given up smoking and drinking, and from that moment on, Patsy claimed, she’d do whatever she could to make things right for our baby. “I married you, David. I can imagine what you think of me, but I married you for life. I wanna do right for our baby. Both of us had sucky childhoods, so let’s do right with our own. But know this, I do love you, David. It’s not the baby. I knew from the moment I saw you that you were the one for me. No more fighting, partying, running around. It’s over.”

I was relieved that Patsy had become serious about being a parent. At times when things were good between us I knew she loved me, but now as her husband, my sole concern was to ensure that I did anything I could for our child. “I wanna make sure our baby isn’t treated like we were. I just want to do what’s right.”