A man who cried (24 page)

her ?” As her question ended on a high note he put in quickly, ”No, no; we had just stopped and

asked for a night’s shelter in the barn. And this woman - she . . . she looked crazy right from the

start - she . . . she said that -” He looked downwards now and the words wouldn’t come until she

shook him roughly by the shoulders, ”Well! what did she say?”

”She said God had sent him to help her.”

Recognizing the reason for his reluctance in making this statement she said quietly, ”Go on.”

”He ... he worked all day cleaning out the pigs and clearing the yard, and it was pouring. That

night... he said he was going the next day and when she brought his supper - she only brought

food for one, she didn’t recognize me.”

”What do you mean, she didn’t recognize you ?”

”She wouldn’t allow me any food. I ... I don’t think she liked children. Anyway, she must have

drugged the cocoa because when he woke up he was chained with an iron hoop around his ankle,

and another round one wrist.”

”Oh dear God!” She put her hand to her face.

”And when I woke up I was dopey, but I found an iron bar and I gave it to him, and when she

brought his breakfast in he lunged at her. It caught her on the side of her arm and broke it, but

when she fell she hit her head on the stones.”

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He suddenly put his hand tightly across his mouth and the next minute he found himself sitting in

the chair and her holding his

brow.

”Are you going to be sick ?”

”No, no; I just felt sort of faint.”

After a moment she said, ”Go on then,” and he looked up at her now and said slowly, ”That’s all

really, except that I sometimes dream about it. It’s like a nightmare; I dream I’m fumbling among

her clothes for the keys. Dad must have thought she could die because I remember we went into

the village and we saw him, the doctor. He turned out to be her cousin and he took us back with

him. Dad didn’t want to go, I remember, nor me, I was scared stiff. But he was kind, the

doctor. ...”

”You’re sure you don’t want to be sick ?”

”No.”

A moment or so later Hilda said, ”Here, drink this tea then,” and as he drank the tea she stood

watching him; and then she said quietly but without bitterness, ”You’re a pair, aren’t you for

keeping secrets. What else hasn’t he told me ?”

When the cup jerked in the saucer she had to grab it to stop it from falling while he spluttered,

”Nothing, nothing else, nothing.”

”It’s all right. It’s all right, don’t agitate yourself. Look, sit there and have your tea, I’ll be back in a minute.” She stroked his hair from his brow and smiled at him before she turned and went

out and across the yard in the direction of the workroom. But he didn’t start his tea, he went into

the scullery and now he really was sick.

iji

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^

The Second Incident 1941

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”Where you going?”
’.

”You know fine well where I’m going, I’m going fire-watching.”

,;-

”Huh! fire-watching. Tell me, are you the only one that does fire-watching in this part of the

town ? This must be the fourth time you’ve gone fire-watching this week.”

Esther Burrows screwed up her white peevish face, turned on to her side in the bed and added,

”Fire-watching in that ? Why have a good frock on to go fire-watching? Now, who do you think

you’re hoodwinking ? You’re off out, aren’t you, with some man or other? Or is it your little boy

from next door? You should be ashamed of yourself ... a child like that ! I know what’s going on

and I’m going to . . .”

”What are you going to do ?”

”I’m . . . I’m going to put a stop to it. I’m going to have her over here and tell her, or better still his father, and tell them that he’s never out of my kitchen. A boy still at school! You should be

right down ashamed of your . . .”

”Shut up!”

”What! how dare you speak to me like that? It’s coming . . .”

”Yes, I dare; and it is coming to something, and it’s long overdue.”

The tall young woman was leaning over the bottom rail of the bed, her arms spread wide gripping

the rails, and the indignation that flooded her shook the whole bedstead as she cried, ”I’ve had

enough! Do you hear? I’ve had enough. Now I’m going to give you an option. For the future

you’ll leave me alone and let me lead some sort of a life of my own. I’ve waited on you hand and

foot for years, the only freedom I’ve had has been during this last year when I was called upon to

do part-time work. And you even tried

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to stop that, didn’t you ? You had to be looked after, hadn’t you ? Do you know what you are?”

She leant still further over the rails. ”You’re nothing but a selfish bitch of a woman, you’re a

parasite, and you’re a scheming crafty one into the bargain. Oh ... go on, hold your heart and

have another one of your attacks but let me tell you before you decide to put on your act that

you’ll lie there until morning because I’m not going to stay in to see to you. And I’ll tell you

something else while I’m on, I’m carting no more jugs of hot water up those stairs for you. If you

are able to get downstairs to the shelter, then you are able to come down to the bathroom. All

these years I’ve trapesed up and down these stairs, washed you, dried you, powdered you. Oh

Mother!” She ground out the word, then shook her head before going on, ”You wore my father

out mentally and physically; well, it’s not too late to save myself, and so now I’m giving you an

ultimatum. You allow me my liberty, the liberty I’m entitled to, or else I’ll walk out. . . . Oh yes, I will. You’ve rubbed it into me for years that I couldn’t earn my living except by doing menial

housework, you’ve held this house and your money dangling in front of my nose like a carrot;

well, I’ve never liked carrots of any sort and I’ve found out that I can earn my living other than

by being a slave to an ungrateful, selfish individual. So there now, you’ve had it.”

She loosened her grip on the rail, straightened her back, then walked towards the door; and there

she turned and said, ”No, I’m not going fire-watching. If you want to know the truth I’m going to

a dance . . .
a dance.
And I’m going with a man, a soldier. He’s only a common private but he’s a man.”

As she pulled open the door her mother drew herself up from her pillows, crying now, ”What. . .

what if there’s a raid ?”

”Pray as you always do.”

As she banged the bedroom door closed the whole house seemed to vibrate, not so much with the

sound from the door but with the trembling of her body. Every nerve seemed to be jangling.

At the top of the stairs she gripped hold of the balustrade and, bringing her head down on to the

back of her hands, she muttered, ”Oh my God! My God!” How had she dared to say all that? But

more so, from where had she got the courage to say it ? For years it had been brewing in her: her

mother’s incessant demands, her pettiness, her selfishness had fermented in her until now it had

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burst from her like bad wine. . . . But she shouldn’t have spoken to her like that. . . . But wait.

No ! She straightened herself. What she had done, what she had said had long been overdue, and

she wasn’t going to ruin the effect of her bid for freedom by snivelling feelings of guilt and

remorse.

She went quickly down the stairs now, but she was still shaking when she took her coat from the

hall wardrobe. After putting it on and tying a head scarf under her chin, she leaned forward and

peered at herself in the hall mirror. Although the light was bad the outlines of her face looked

sharp. Her cheek bones seemed to be pressing against the skin, emphasizing the sallowness of it.

Even anger, apparently, couldn’t bring a rosy glow to her face. Her eyes looked big and dark . . .

and fierce. Well, she felt fierce.

She now made a quick circuit of the ground floor adjusting the window blackouts ; and lastly,

before opening the front door she pulled back the heavy curtain covering it, readjusting it before

stepping outside; then, having locked the door, she put the key behind the foot scraper. Two

minutes later she was walking quickly through the garage yard and towards the kitchen door.

Just before she reached it, it opened and Dick greeted her with, ”You’re late; I was coming for

you.”

”Oh.” She made an impatient movement with her head, then went past him into the kitchen and

when she saw Hilda standing with her coat and hat on she said quickly, ”I’m sorry . . . I’m sorry

I’ve kept you waiting.”

”Oh, that’s all right; it hardly ever gets started before eight anyway. The lads make sure they’re

there then because of the refreshments.” Hilda smiled; then her face straightening, she asked,

”What’s the matter? Something wrong?”

Molly now bowed her head as she said, ”I’ve . . . I’ve had words.”

”Not before time. Of course it all depends upon what you said.”

They all turned and looked towards Abel who was sitting in the armchair before the fire and

Molly said quietly, ”I’ve . . . I’ve made a stand but I think I’ve said too much.”

”Well, she’s asked for it, I’ll have to say that. Whatever you’ve said to your mother she’s asked

for it.”

Looking at Hilda now, Molly nodded and replied, ”I suppose so. But oh I did go on.” She gave a

little embarrassed laugh. ”By the way I’m going to a dance with a soldier. He’s only a private.

!57

I think the private bit shocked her more than aafthing else I said.”

They were all laughing now, Abel the loudest of all, and he rose from his chair as he said, ”You

could get a soldier any day in the week, Molly; and not just a private. I’m surprised at the army,

navy, and air force, I thought they had more about them. Well, not the navy, I suppose, as we

don’t see many of them in this quarter, but the other ones must have their eyes closed.”

”Oh! Mr Gray.” She turned her head to the side in a derisive movement which made him cry,

”I’m not joking. What’s the matter with you! Don’t you ever look in the glass ?”

”Well, I think if we’re going to get there we’d better be making a move. . . . And stop jerking

your shoulder like that, Dick. I keep telling you.” Hilda’s voice cut in sharply as she made for the door and Dick, ignoring her remark, looked at Molly and said on a high laugh, ”In five and a half

months’ time I’ll be in air force blue, and in six months’ time I bet I’ll have stripes. I might even have me wings. Then I’ll come flying to your front door.”

”Why the front?” Molly’s tone was flat. ”You’ve always used the back.”

Again there was laughter; then Abel, pushing Dick out of the kitchen, said, ”Get yourself away!”

and as the three of them went down the yard he called, ”Be ready mind at half past ten because

I’m on duty at eleven.”

Dick’s voice came back airily, crying, ”You’ll be lucky,” and Molly answered, ”We will. We

will”; but Hilda made no reply, there was no need because he knew she’d be standing ready with

her hat and coat on; her part in the evening’s entertainment, that of helping with the

refreshments, would be over. She had been to the church hop almost every Saturday night for the

last two years and she never danced. She was thirty-six years old and she had never danced. Why

? Did she consider that sinful an’ all ? The next row they had he’d put it to her.

He chuckled to himself as he sat down, stretched his long legs out to the fender, put his hands

behind his head, and lay back in the leather chair. Funny, when he came to think of it, they hadn’t

had words for well over a year now, well, almost eighteen months. It was the night he had got

drunk, and by! he was drunk. He moved uneasily in the chair and dosed his mind to the reason

for his getting drunk, then let out a long drawn breath and relaxed.

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He liked Saturday nights when he had the house to himself. It was the only time he got the

chance to be alone in it and a chance to think; and Dick had given him food for thought the night.

The lad was determined to join up, having his own ideas about the rights and wrongs of killing

his fellow men. Only last week he had said to him, ”This is a big war, Dad; you either eat or are

eaten.” His words sounded like a quote, and at the same time he was placing the last war in the

category of a scrimmage. As were so many other youths, the boy was looking forward to joining

up as if it were the preliminary to a world cruise, so what would be his reaction if he were found

to be unfit to take the world cruise ?

Abel pulled himself up straight in the chair and held his hands out towards the fire. It wouldn’t

be because of his height, height made no difference to a pilot or an air gunner, but that jerking

shoulder and that too ready, too high laugh, alternating with the long far away silences, was

something that no one had faced up to yet, least of all himself. The lad was a bundle of nerves.

But it didn’t need a psychiatrist to point out the cause of the trouble, at least not to him.

It was about a quarter past ten when Abel drove out of the yard in the repair van. Hilda didn’t

mind walking to the church hall in the blackout but she always refused to walk back late at night

and, as she said, encounter drunken sots.

The church hall, which was quite a large one, was used daily as a rest and refreshment room for