A Match Made in Alaska (13 page)

His throat clogged up. “No, it doesn’t sound silly at all.” A sharp sensation pierced his chest, and he found himself wishing that he could give her all her hopes and dreams wrapped up in a big bright bow. If only it were that simple. If only he could.

“I found a lot of my dreams at the library. Books carried me away to other worlds. When I was reading
Jane Eyre
, I became her. And I lived vicariously through her adventures. Reading about foreign lands made me dream of traveling all over the world. It made me want to live courageously. Knowing that books can transform lives made me want to become a librarian.” She turned toward him, her face lit up by the soft glow of the moon.

“What about you? Were your dreams always filled with flying?” Annie asked. “Or did you aspire to take the medical world by storm or become a firefighter?”

“From the time I knew what airplanes did, I wanted to be a pilot. When I was a kid, I used to dream about touching the sky. Once I flew my first plane, I was hooked. Soaring up in the air made me feel connected to something much larger than myself.” He flashed back to some of his first flying outings with his father. In his eyes, Colin O’Rourke had been the coolest, fiercest pilot in the whole wide world. He never would have been able to imagine his father’s dramatic fall from grace or how the man he adored would change so drastically.

“I’ve never been able to put into words why I love being up there so much. All I know is that when I’m up there, thousands of feet off the ground, I feel freer than I’ve ever felt with my legs firmly planted on the ground. And each and every time, I’ve known God was with me.” He shrugged. “I can’t explain it very well in words. It’s just a feeling, I guess.”

“It sounds a lot like faith to me. He’s always with us,” Annie reminded him. “Even when we think He might not be.”

“I’ve had a lot of moments in my life when I’ve doubted God’s presence. Sometimes things happen that are so mind-numbingly awful, it makes you think you’re crazy to believe at all.”

Annie nodded. “I know. After Gram’s accident, I kept asking God why He left me all alone. I had to remind myself that He had blessed me with her in the first place. Grief is the price we pay for loving and being loved. And given the choice, I’d choose love every single time.”

Her words served as a sucker punch. All of his feelings were riding right on the surface tonight. And now, his thoughts were gravitating toward the huge losses in his own life. The death of his mother had left a terrible wound. Even now, some twenty years later, there was still a festering sore surrounding her death.

He locked gazes with Annie. “I was eight when my mother died. It was hard to wrap my head around losing her so suddenly. One minute she was tucking us into bed, and the next we were being woken up in the middle of the night to a nightmare come to life. All I really remember is this overwhelming feeling of grief and sadness that hung over us like a dark cloud.” He took a deep breath to fortify himself. This wasn’t a topic he ever discussed, not even with Finn, who had been just as deeply affected by the loss of their mother.

“We didn’t talk about it in our house. I heard whispers here in town. Hushed voices. But back at home, it was almost as if she had fallen into this big black hole and was whisked away from us.”

Annie reached out and squeezed his hand. “Eight is such a tender age, Declan. Way too young to grapple with such a devastating loss.”

He swung his gaze toward Annie. Her eyes were full of so much compassion. He prayed she wouldn’t be horrified by what he was about to say next. It was pressing on his heart to unburden himself.

“Her death should never have happened. It was senseless and stupid and it tore me apart. My parents had both been drinking that night. Finn and I were asleep in our beds. They were goofing around in the backyard with a rifle, trying to shoot tin cans. My dad made some stupid comment about shooting a raccoon that ran across the yard, and she pulled the gun away from him. It went off and shot her in the stomach. She died right there in the yard.”

Declan would never forget being woken up by Finn or the desperate cries of his father as the tragedy was unfolding. He’d never told a single soul about how he had wandered into the backyard and witnessed his father cradling his dying mother in his arms. No, that particular memory had been locked away inside the vault, never to see the light of day. He had never even shared it with Boone. As it was, it had already been seared into his memory for all eternity. His lovely, kind mother taking her last breaths with his father’s name on her lips.

“Oh, Declan. I’m so sorry. That’s horrific. And to lose her so suddenly like that is unimaginable,” she said. Annie sniffed back tears.

“I wish I could remember more about her. Her name was Cindy. She was funny. And she used to make us peanut-butter cookies after school. And she used to fly down Cupid’s Hill like lightning without an ounce of fear. She was my mom, and I loved her very much.” He let out a ragged sigh. “I hate being part of something so ugly.”

“I hope you know that what happened that night doesn’t define you. It sounds like it was a terrible, tragic accident.”

He stared off into the distance. “One that ripped our childhood apart. From that day on, I never felt completely safe again.”

“That’s understandable,” she said in a soft voice. “Life as you knew it came to a crashing halt.”

“My father—” Declan began. He looked shaken. Annie reached out and squeezed his hand through his gloves.

“We don’t have to talk about this,” she said in a soft voice.

“It’s okay,” he said, a sheen of moisture in his eyes. “After my mom died, he wasn’t a father to us. He went inward to a place where we couldn’t reach him. My parents were childhood sweethearts. Her dying like that buried him under a mountain...of loss, I guess you could say.”

“And guilt, too, I imagine,” she murmured. “It wasn’t his fault, but he may have assumed ownership of it.”

“He started drinking a lot and road-tripping, sometimes for weeks at a time. He began hanging out with a rough crowd in Anchorage. He got mixed up in a store burglary that went horribly wrong. One of his cohorts shot a store keeper. My dad was sentenced to ten years for being an accomplice. His sentence was cut down to eight for good behavior.”

He heard Annie suck in a deep breath. Her lips trembled while tears ran down her cheeks. Declan worried that he had overwhelmed her with his tragic story. It was a lot to hear in one sitting. “I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to go through this. My heart aches for that eight-year-old little boy whose world was rocked by such tragedy.”

“Thank you, Annie. For listening. And for being so understanding.”

For years he had tried to stuff all the bad experiences down and hide behind a joke and a smile. The truth was that he had been deeply altered by his family’s tragedy. The ripples had kept coming until he’d almost been pulled under by the tide.

“What about your father? Where is he now?” Annie asked. Her voice sounded hesitant, as if she hadn’t been entirely certain if she should pose this question.

He let out a harsh laugh. “One would imagine that after all that time separated from his kids, he would have come back home to Love.” Declan let out a harsh laugh. “Nope. He kept right on going, never quite making it back here to reunite with us. We were blessed that Grandpop stepped in and raised us. He taught me everything I needed to know about flying. And plenty more about life. I can never thank him enough. When he passed away, the Prescotts took me in.”

“What about Finn?” she asked. Surely he’d been able to cling to his brother in such a time of turmoil.

“He took off as soon as he turned eighteen. Nothing and no one could keep him here in Love. He’s a lot like my dad in that respect. Always on the move. Never staying in any one place long enough to put down roots.” Even when Declan had begged him to stay, Finn had shrugged him off and done as he pleased. He’d needed Finn after his grandfather’s passing, but all his brother had wanted to do was escape.

“Running away from it all,” Annie murmured. “Sounds like that’s his coping mechanism.”

“Yep,” Declan said with a sigh. “And my dad is out there somewhere in the world, trying to find his own semblance of peace, I imagine.”

“Let’s pray he finds it,” Annie said as she reached for his hand. “Living your life with one foot in the past isn’t really living at all.”

It was as if Annie was speaking directly to him with her heartfelt words. Did she see past his veneer? Did she sense that his whole life had been built on a shaky foundation due to his traumatic past?

He wished with all his might that he could be different. Not just for her, but for himself as well. For so long, he had prayed to God about moving forward without carrying the weight of his father’s actions on his shoulders. He wished that he could be the man Annie deserved, one who didn’t question whether he could go the distance with her or provide her with the life she had been dreaming about since she was a little girl. When he closed his eyes and tried to imagine their life unfolding together, all he came up with was a blank.

Despite the overwhelming feelings that Annie was stirring up inside him, Declan still couldn’t imagine himself walking off into the sunset with the woman of his dreams. And that simple fact left him feeling shaky and uncertain. It had been such a wonderful evening, yet harsh reality had suddenly settled in and crashed over him in unrelenting waves. He felt as if someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over him. Sneaking in a kiss with Annie had been wonderful, but it wasn’t something that he could ever allow to happen again after this evening.

* * *

The night was no longer young. Against the backdrop of a velvety sky, the townsfolk began to pack up their belongings and call it a night. Declan pitched in with the cleanup as he replayed the events of the evening in his mind’s eye.

Annie had gone home with Sophie. At first he’d wanted to insist on dropping Annie off at the Black Bear Cabins, but one look at Sophie and Annie convinced him that the two women deserved some bonding time. Annie needed girlfriends in Love, ones she could confide in and laugh with and get advice from about long Alaskan winters and being homesick for the lower forty-eights.

He wanted to kiss her again, but he knew it wouldn’t be fair to lead her down that path when she’d made it clear she had come to Alaska for the whole nine yards—love, a husband and a white picket fence. None of those things were in his repertoire. And he’d rather cut off his right arm than break Annie’s heart. It was way better to quit while he was ahead.

“I’ve been looking for you.” Boone walked up and clapped Declan on the back as he loaded up one of the vans used to transport items to the party. He pulled him over to an isolated area, where it was just the two of them. “Hey! What’s this I hear about you lowering your insurance premium on Lucy?”

Declan groaned. “I see you’ve been talking to Finn. He sure didn’t waste any time in spreading it around.” It annoyed him to no end that Finn had divulged his insurance information to Boone without even checking in with him first. Who did Finn think he was? Declan seethed.

Boone frowned. “Telling your best friend isn’t exactly gossiping. He’s worried about you. And so am I. I’ve got some money in my savings account. It probably won’t be enough to cover the total cost, but it’ll help.”

Declan shook his head. “You can’t keep throwing me lifelines. You have Grace now and a baby on the way,” Declan protested. “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t go down that road.”

“Well, then, what are you doing to do?” Boone asked.

Declan shrugged. “There’s no need to worry. Yet.”

Boone raised an eyebrow. “What does that even mean?”

He ran his hand over his face. “It means that everything in my life is in turmoil at the moment, but I’m trying not to panic. Even though I just found out that the accident was due to a bird strike, that doesn’t solve all my problems. I need a substantial amount of money to make up the difference between the insurance payout and the cost of a new seaplane. I’ve been canceling flights and having jitters about getting back up in the air.”

Compassion flickered in Boone’s eyes. “It’s only natural to feel a bit skittish after being in a plane crash,” Boone conceded, “but you’ve got to get back in the cockpit, Declan. Don’t let fear take away the thing you most enjoy.”

Declan threw his hands in the air. “And to make things even more complicated, I kissed Annie tonight.”

Boone narrowed his gaze. “And that’s a bad thing? I like Annie. She’s genuine. And smart.” He winked at Declan. “And very easy on the eyes.”

“She’s all those things and more. But she’s not ever going to be anything more than a friend. She came to this town to find a groom, not a broken-down pilot who can’t commit to a woman to save his life.”

Boone loudly sucked his teeth. “That’s garbage, and you know it! You’re just as worthy of a wife and family as I am. There’s no one who is more loyal or devoted than you. I don’t understand why you can’t move forward.”

Declan swung his gaze up to meet Boone’s probing gaze. “You know why.”

Boone let out a huge sigh. “You can’t let your past determine your future. The sins of the father should not be visited on the child. Remember that Bible verse?”

He scoffed. “Remember it? It’s been in my head since I was eight years old.”

A tremor ran along Boone’s jaw. “Don’t you think it’s time you got past it?” His voice came out ragged. “Imagine what might happen if you just free yourself from all these chains that are tying you down. You might soar.”

He shook his head fiercely. Every time he visualized doing so, he found himself wondering what would happen if it all fell apart. If he messed things up. “Not at her expense. I don’t want to hurt her.”

“You won’t. I’ve seen the way you look at her. It’s stamped all over your face that you think she hung the moon,” Boone insisted.

He let out a huff of air. “I don’t deserve her! Is that what you want me to say, Boone? Is that what you want to hear?”

Boone grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “No! Because it’s not true. It’s just this great big lie that you tell yourself,” he growled. “I want you to man up and face this thing down before it knocks you off course with Annie. Because something tells me that if you let this moment pass you by, you’ll always regret it.”