A Matter of Forever (35 page)

Although I’ve heard him say this already, the floor still drops out from below me.

Jonah is quiet for a long moment. He doesn’t sip his drink, doesn’t even move it to his mouth. He just stands there, mug in his hand, as he stares at his brother like he’s the only person in all of the worlds. Finally, when the silence carves deep grooves in my heart, he says, “That’s irrelevant. Even if you no longer are able to use your craft, you could work as part of the Métis Council—”

“I think Will has an excellent handle on that. As does Cameron. They don’t need me.”

The breath in my chest stills. I don’t like where this is going.

“This is ridiculous,” Jonah says. His voice is brittle, like if he let go of control even for the slightest moment, he would break. “Kellan. You’re just—this is all new. All these changes. You have to give it time, time to adjust. We all do. You can’t—”

“I am no longer a Magical,” Kellan says in that same infuriatingly in control voice. “I am no longer fit to serve on the Guard. I am no good on missions. Will ...” He laughs quietly. Ruefully. “Him and his damn sword. I’m no good with swords, J. I can’t even fire a gun straight.” And then, more softly, “Worse yet, I can’t even hear my own brother’s voice in my head anymore.”

Jonah’s chest heaves in sharply.

“You know, it’s funny ... for so many years, you and I have battled over how much we love Chloe. How she’s the love of our lives. How the Connections we had with her—you still, me once—defined us so starkly. But, I’ve come to realize over the last few days this isn’t completely true.” The corners of Kellan’s lips hint at an upward curve. “Because, J, the Connection that defined me the most is the one I had to
you
.”

He pries the mug out of Jonah’s white knuckled hand.

“I can no longer hear the most important person in my life,” he continues, “and I cannot stand it.”

“Kellan,” Jonah whispers, “it’s—it’s hard, yes, but we will—”

“I love you,” Kellan tells his brother. Tears course down my cheeks in hot, guilty paths as I desperately hold in the sobs clamoring in my chest and throat. “Gods, I love and admire you so much. You have protected me my entire life. We’re five minutes apart in age, but you have always been the older, wiser brother with all the responsibilities while I got to goof off. When the Old Man raged, you took the brunt of his fury. When we got in trouble, whether or not it was my fault, you took the blame. You held us together when Mom died, and then Joey, and then Hannah. You think you’ve failed me over and over, when ...” His smile is now bittersweet. “You’re my hero, J.” He waves a hand around. “All this with Chloe? Damn, bro ... it’s not your fault. Not mine, not hers—it’s nobody’s fault but Fate’s. And I’m fucking tired of letting Fate dick us around.”

His head is turned away from me, but I just know that Jonah’s eyes are blurry with tears that match my own.

“The problem is, I love her too. Gods, oh so much. When I finally realized we were no longer Connected ...” His head tilts to the side. “I wondered if I could move on. I hoped for it, actually. But ... I can’t, J. Connection or no,
I love her
. I am in love with her. And I fear I always will be, as long as I am around you two.”

Fists punch through my chest and into my heart over and over until breathing is impossible.

“You will meet somebody else.” My heart breaks twelve times over at Jonah’s quiet desperation. “I know you will. Things are different now. Happiness is not out of your reach.”

“That’s the thing.” Kellan steps closer, until he and his brother are nearly one person, they’re so close. “Here? In Annar? It is. It always will be.”

Jonah goes so still that part of me wants to run down into that kitchen right now. Stop this. Stop whatever horrible thing is coming.

“I am in love with her. Not because of a Connection. I know this now. I. Am. In. Love. With
her
. And I resent you so much for being the one she chose.”

Breathe, Chloe.
Breathe
.

“Kellan,” Jonah tries again, but Kellan shakes his head.

“There are times, I’ve wondered if I hate you. You, the person who I love more than anybody. And I cannot stand that, J. I cannot stand feeling that way about you. If I stay here, that hatred will cling to me like a godsdamn cancer. I will love you and hate you and it breaks my heart every single day even knowing that I am capable of feeling this way toward you.”

It’s Jonah’s turn to shake his head, over and over.

“Jesus. I am so happy for you guys. I am. It’s fucked up, but it’s the honest truth. I am so happy that the two people who mean the most to me in all the worlds have each other. But while I’m happy, I despise it, too. Jealousy eats me alive. I can’t live like this, J. I can’t. It’s not fair to me, and it’s sure as hell not fair to the two of you.”

“Kellan, please,” Jonah says, hand clenching in and out, but Kellan cuts him off again.

“Sophie got her second chance at life. Don’t think there isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t kick myself for treating her the way I did—like she was some kind of disposable plaything that served only to mask my pain. If I’d never done that ...” His hand curls into a fist as it smashes down against the counter. “If I hadn’t been so selfish, she’d never have gone after Chloe the way she did. You never would have had to fight your way back from death.”

“Kellan, it’s not your fault,” Jonah breaks through, but it’s only a momentary finger in the dam’s hole.

“You were dying,” Kellan continues on ruthlessly, stealing all of the air out of the kitchen and the bedroom I’m in. “You were
dying
, Jonah. Chloe was kidnapped and ...” His fist hits the counter again. “She almost died, too. When I found her, she was ...” He closes his eyes oh-so tightly. “You were in a bed, dying, and she was in that house, dying, and I’d been in some shitty bar in Mexico City, drinking my fucking brains out. That is not okay, J.”

Jonah tries to lay a hand on his brother’s shoulder, but Kellan jerks away.

“Sophie came after Chloe because of
me
. She gave you up to Enlilkian because of
me
. Because of me, the two most important people in my life were almost killed. All because I was such a selfish asshole who was okay with treating a woman like a piece of garbage that I could just throw away once used.”

“Yes—okay. You treated her horribly, but ... Sophie also suffered from a break with reality. You heard the report, heard what Enlilkian did to her. Besides, this has nothing to do with Sophie. She’s gone now. Out of our lives. We now have a chance—”

“You two almost died,” Kellan ruthlessly continues, ignoring Jonah’s rationale as he points a finger. “And I did die and now I am no longer a Magical and I no longer have Connections to the most important people in my life. And while that’s maybe justice on some level, I’m still a selfish enough bastard to resent you two together. So, J ... you have to let me do this. I cannot go on living any other way.”

My skin hurts from fear. No, no, I want to scream.
No
. He is not about to say what I think he’s going to say.

“Sophie gets her second chance.” Both hands go to his hair and pull it. “With her craft stripped away from her, she’ll get to live a life where maybe she’ll be happier. Healthier. I want my second chance, too. I may not deserve it, but J ... I’m begging you to sanction having my memory blocked and let me go somewhere I might have the smallest chance of grabbing happiness for myself.”

He said it anyway, a bullet fired straight through my heart. And he claimed he couldn’t shoot a gun.

“You can do that
here
,” Jonah argues. “You just have to give it time. We can buy another place, move so you can have some distance. We can even leave Annar, move back to California—”

“Do you hear yourself?” Kellan asks. “Do you understand how absurd you’re being? You are not going to move. I refuse to let you do that.”

But Jonah keeps on going. “There is no reason to do what you’re thinking. Kellan, we can give you all the space you—”

“No.” Kellan moves closer and drops a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “You know that won’t work. You can feel my resolution, can’t you? You know I will always love and want Chloe. Connection or no, that isn’t going to change, whether you live in the apartment above me or across town or whether I’m on a different plane. You know the resentment I feel toward you. And you know it eats me alive because of how much I love you. How is that going to benefit any of us?”

“I can’t do what you want, Kellan.” The anguish in Jonah’s voice destroys me. “You think it isn’t hard for me, too, not having your voice in my head?” A hand, the one he’s been clenching over and over, presses against his heart. “You think that this isn’t affecting me, too? You’re not the only one who is having a hard time with all of this, Kel. I lost here, too.”

“I know,” Kellan says. “And that kills me, too. Which is why this is the best solution.”

Jonah shakes his head again, faster now.

“I’ve talked with Zthane already. He’s willing to risk the Council’s wrath by okaying my requests, but I’d really rather have you in my corner and agree to it so he won’t lose his job over being a good friend.”

“Don’t do this,” Jonah’s whispering.

“I’m asking you to do to me what you guys are going to do to Sophie. I want my memories fully blocked.” While Kellan’s voice shakes, it’s also weirdly calm at the same time. “Kiah Redrock has agreed to do it. And, while I’m down with her and one of the scrub Emotionals on the team, I’d really rather it be you, J. You in my mind, one last time. I’d like you to replace our years together with a history you think I can deal with. And then make sure they know to drop me off in ... hell, some city I’ve never been. Let me build a new life, one where I can’t be the asshole who hates his own twin brother and is in love with his wife.”

I drop the screen. I can’t watch anymore. I thought I’d saved him in that house, but he’s leaving me—no,
us
—anyway. We’re losing him anyway.

Oh my gods. OH MY GODS.

“We both need this.” Kellan’s voice floats up to me from the broken screen. “All of us. You and Chloe—you’ll get your happy ending—”

“You think this is
my
happy ending? You think this is what I want? To lose my twin brother ...” Jonah’s words are filled with every emotion I’m feeling, like
we’re
the twins now. “My best friend? Are you crazy? Do you really think that I would ever be willing, let alone okay, trading what you see as my happiness for a life without you? I would rather—”

“Stop, J,” Kellan says calmly. “I’m saying this because I know damn well you wouldn’t. That’s the point, okay? I’m positive you would bend yourself into horrible knots trying to figure out a way to make things bearable for me, along with Chloe, all while doing your damndest to shoulder all the guilt and blame. Just think about this, J. For years now, we’ve been in this horrible situation where you feel guilty, I feel guilty, she feels guilty. What kind of life is that? How are any of us living?”

“So you think that you, just ... what? Sacrificing everything, everyone, is the best way to go?” Jonah’s panic now turns to anger. “Leaving Astrid behind? Callie? You have more to your life than whatever this sick triangle we’re in is, you know. I get if you’re mad at me—”

“I’m not mad at you. It’s more than that and you know it.”

“You’re not thinking clearly right now—”

Kellan’s resolute, though. “I am. And it’s my choice to make.”

“The hell it is! Let’s forget for a moment about Chloe and me. You’re really willing to leave
everyone
behind? You’re okay with Astrid losing one of her sons? Leaving Callie behind? What about all your friends? The Guard? Hell, Kellan, what about every single person you know? Your home? You’re willing to just leave all this behind because you’re worried about resenting me? How is that fair?”

Kellan stays silent.

And then, his voice breaking, Jonah says, “I can’t do this without you, Kel. I can’t lose anybody else. There’s ... there’s got to be some other solution we can find. One that isn’t so—”

“Don’t think I’m not aware of what I’m asking of you.” So much anguish chokes Kellan’s words. “Don’t think I’m not shitting my pants, terrified of leaving you behind like Mom and Joey did. Because I can’t imagine a life without you, either. That’s why I need my memories blocked. It hurts so godsdamn much, imagining life without you.”

“Then don’t imagine it. Stay, and it’ll never be an issue.”

Something breaks downstairs, reverberating on the screen below me. I erase it before I can smash it, too. And then I count more numbers in my head than I’ve ever done before.

Jonah doesn’t come back upstairs for hours. And I don’t go downstairs. Now that the screen I’d spied on them is long gone, I have no idea if they’re even together. If Jonah managed to talk Kellan out of this insane idea.

Only, now that I’ve had time to think about it ...

It’s no longer insane. Because, outside of the pain I’m in, I think I really get why he wants this.

When I’d left Annar and all the people I loved behind last year, I’d wanted the very same thing, hadn’t I? A fresh start. A chance at happiness, although I always knew it’d be just beyond my grasp. But it’s not for him now, not when he’s no longer one of Fate’s pawns. Kellan has the rare opportunity to go and be somebody, anybody he wants to be. He has the ability to choose a job he might enjoy and the luxury of quitting it if he no longer likes it. He has the chance to live where he wants and how. He has the option to fall in love with somebody who deserves him oh-so-very much, who will put his heart and needs first and never want and love his brother just a little bit more. If he is truly now a Métis, he even has the choice to have children—more than one. A whole bunch of them, if that’s what he desires.