A Mended Man (The Men of Halfway House Book 4) (25 page)

He'd flat out told the doc he couldn't discuss details of his mission during their first appointment, thinking that would nip this whole thing in the bud quickly. No dice. She seemed to have a talent for sniffing out bullshit. "I don't need to know locations or exact dates. Just time frames as a point of reference. How long ago it happened and for what span of time. Then we'll go from there."

But he didn't know where the hell to start. So he'd opted for silence.

"Time's up," Dr. Engel said.

His vision snapped back to the doctor. She walked over to her desk and looked up with a half smile as she opened her appointment book. "How about I schedule you for Friday late afternoon. How does six sound?"

He nodded, wondering when he would tire of paying someone to keep him company while he remained silent. But he was here. That should count for something. Even if it was only a baby step.

* * * *

They sat on the couch watching a late evening movie they'd already seen months ago while at the hospital. But Jessie didn't care one iota about what played on the television screen. The slow brush of fingers twisting in the short hair at the nape of his neck caught his attention far more than any TV movie. He closed his eyes and leaned back into Aidan's fingers, hoping the subtle, casual caress would become more determined.

"Sorry about that," Aidan said, withdrawing his hand and crossing his arms, focusing his attention on the movie.

Jessie groaned with the frustration thrumming through his body. Every attempt at some contact, Aidan had somehow interpreted as
stop
instead of
more
. Hinting didn't seem to work. He was trying with every ounce of energy to not push, to give Aidan the space he obviously demanded, but dammit, he couldn't take this anymore. "I didn't want you to stop."

"I thought you meant—"

Jessie abruptly turned to face him. "Kiss me."

"Um, that was subtle."

"You're obviously not picking up on the subtleties. So I'm testing a direct approach."

Aidan hid a smile he couldn't disguise in his eyes. He anchored his elbow on the back of the couch and rested his head against his palm. "I think most people would assume I'm the direct one in this relationship."

"I'm happy to play whatever role you want." Jessie reached out and ran a finger along Aidan's sleep pants. Weren't hot, studly guys supposed to be walking around naked at home, or shirtless, or…anything other than dressed with sleep pants and a T-shirt? "By the way…"

"Yeah?"

"I love that you said relationship."

Aidan scoffed, shaking his head with a smile. "You're persistent."

"When it comes to you, yes, I am. And I'm very proud of it. I get to see a special side of you that no one else sees. And it's addictive. So kiss me."

"No."

"Don't make it weird. Just kiss me."

"Not…yet." Aidan returned his focus to the television.

"Yet?"

Aidan shrugged. "You're very bossy."

"Someone has to be."

"Where the hell did the shy, quiet Jessie go?" Aidan's jaw muscles twitched, but his focus remained squarely planted on the television screen, captivated by some stupid commercial with a dog chasing after some animated dot.

"He's still here. He's just decided there are things that are really important in life worth pursuing with determination."

Aidan glanced over to him.

Jessie's lips parted on a breath as a current rippled through his body. He'd never had anyone look at him with that much desire.

"Do you know why I like you?" Jessie asked.

"Because you have masochistic tendencies?"

Jessie bit his lip to hide a smile.
Ah, he's frustrated
. Jessie had learned to decipher most of Aidan's moods, but he still needed a cheat sheet for clarification on a few of them. Aidan's sarcasm and verbal bites were especially heightened when pissed off about what people
expected
him to say, or when he really wanted to change or lighten the subject matter.

"One of the reasons is the way you look at me. It's as if nothing else exists but me and there's no other place you'd rather be." Jessie circled his fingers in a random pattern on Aidan's thigh, hoping to distract him from the television enough to draw his full attention. "Even when you're just standing there, and you're doing nothing but staring at me, it's as if you have your arm wrapped around me and pull me close to your side. You make me feel good about myself. You make me feel needed." He reached out and grabbed Aidan's hand, lacing their fingers together. He looked at Aidan's strong hand and tanned skin, a stark contrast from his lean, long fingers and fair skin. "You make me feel wanted and special. As if I matter." He returned his focus to Aidan's face. "You let me know I'm important to you."

"I do all that with a look?"

Jessie nodded. "You let me be me…and you let me know that's okay. You don't tell me I'm weak or—"

"You're one of the strongest men I know."

Jessie quietly laughed. Sometimes, Aidan said the most thoughtful and romantic things and didn't have a clue how they squeezed Jessie's heart.

Aidan turned away and lowered his brow. "I thought I had to say all that, I didn't think…I didn't think you'd know all that just by the way I looked at you." He turned back to meet Jessie's gaze. "It's not easy for me to say what I'm feeling."

"I know." Jessie nodded to himself. "You keep it all inside. You say a lot by the way you look at me, even if you don't say the words. But I know that when you do say something, when you do open up, it means so much more than when someone else says it. Because I know it comes from your soul."

"I wish I could be more open. Like the way you are." He smiled weakly. "I'm trying."

"I know. But I'm totally fine with you eye fucking me from across the room." Jessie laughed. "Now kiss me."

"Oh my God." Aidan threw his head back against the couch, smiling in obvious amusement.

"Fine,
later
then. Don't be mad. But I called my doctor today to ask her a question."

Aidan slowly turned his head toward him. "Okay," he said, enunciating each letter of the small word.

"I want to sleep with you—"

"You should buy me a drink or something first."

Jessie shoved him. "I meant
sleep
. That night we slept together on the couch, I slept the whole night through and…I liked being here with you."

Aidan quieted and subtly nodded. "Me too. But…you were worried?"

"I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't put you in a position that would be a problem for you. So I told her what happened."

"And?"

A smiled tugged at the corner of Jessie's mouth, happy to hear the intrusion of privacy hadn't been an issue. "She said it was the unexpected element that may have triggered your reaction."

Aidan straightened into a sitting position. "
May
have?"

"She said every case is different, but that was usually the reaction when the mind was hyper-aware of everything and something changed. She said it's what she typically sees in PTSD cases."

Aidan's body tensed and he released their clasped hands. "I don't doubt I have some lingering stuff to deal with but I'd never—"

Jessie quieted him with a comforting hand on his arm. "I know. And that's why I asked her about what happened. I knew you'd still be torturing yourself about it."

Aidan visibly cringed.

Something raced through Aidan's mind that alerted every nerve in Jessie's body to ease him. Jessie stroked Aidan's arm, hoping to smooth the crease between his brows. "So if we go to bed together, it should be fine. It's just not smart to startle you or sneak up on you."

"Here," Aidan said abruptly. "Not…not the bed."

"Okay," Jessie said slowly, making note of Aidan's tension and hesitation. "But only if—"

"I want to," Aidan said quickly, cutting off Jessie. "If…if I do anything… Fuck, I can't believe I'm going to say this…" He ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled heavily then pinched the bridge of his nose. "Knee me in the balls if I do anything."

A bubble of laughter escaped Jessie.

"I'm glad you find that funny."

"I promise to knee you if you do anything, then ice and stroke your balls until they're healed."

"You have a serious ball obsession." Aidan shook his head and hid a smile. "Was it Dr. Engel you spoke to?"

Jessie nodded.

Aidan rubbed his thighs repeatedly, fidgeting. "I've been seeing her. Not sure how it'll go, but…yeah, I'm trying." He looked over to Jessie with a pleading expression that speared Jessie's heart. Sometimes, even with all of Aidan's bluster and Aidanisms, a vulnerability managed to peek through his armor. Jessie wanted to be with Aidan in every way, to be the one person who knew all his hiding places, regardless of how dark they were.

"Show some mercy. Kiss me already," Jessie said, barely able to coherently assemble his thoughts.

"Later."

"You're killing me."

"Then stop mentioning it. If you keep hyping it up, you'll end up being disappointed. It's like waiting for that movie premier that's been showcasing trailers for six months, then the movie sucks because you were expecting a hell of a lot more out of it. When you don't expect it, it's usually…better," he finished with a shrug.

"You're stubborn."

"I prefer to think I'm incredibly determined."

"Nope, it's stubbornness. Kiss me."

"Later." Aidan raised an eyebrow. "We can do this all night."

"Watch the movie," Jessie grumbled, turning to face the TV again. He crossed his arms and leaned back. He couldn't deny Aidan made an effort to open up. Unfortunately, a glaring certainty lingered alongside that realization. Regardless of how patient Jessie could be, he was no match for the "determined," teasing side of Aidan who loved to win.

* * * *

Jessie tried to bury his head farther into the pillow to block the glow and flicker from the annoying, low-volume television. How the hell did Aidan get any sleep with that thing on? He turned around on the couch and met with Aidan's very-awake hazel stare. "You're awake?"

"Hard to sleep when you keep moving around so much."

Jessie shifted again on the couch, finally stilling when Aidan's hand rested on his waist. "I didn't mean to wake you. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I should go to bed and let you—"

All words and thoughts evaporated when Aidan's soft, full lips pressed against his. Jessie closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. He reached up and clasped the back of Aidan's neck, holding him close, not letting him escape from the gentle press of lips.

Aidan inched back slightly, just enough to break the kiss but still close enough for each strangled, controlled exhale to blow across Jessie's skin.

"Please don't leave."

Jessie slowly opened his eyes, trying to keep the simmering need from boiling over. The light from the television flickered in Aidan's eyes, revealing the uncertainty hidden in their depths. With one hand still anchored on Jessie's waist, Aidan spread his other hand across Jessie's narrow back, caging him in an embrace as they lay on the couch, staring at each other.

"Stay," Aidan repeated in a whisper Jessie would have missed had he not been mere inches away from him.

Jessie couldn't focus on a single thought, conscious only of the buzzing current and how his skin tingled under Aidan's fingertips at each contact point against his body. The beating of his heart drummed in his head, drowning out all sound except the hiss of each breath and the pounding in his ears. His focus shifted from Aidan's eyes to his full, waiting lips. Those lips. He wanted and needed those lips on him again.

Aidan leaned forward, fusing their mouths together in another kiss, slowly extracting a whimper from Jessie when his tongue outlined the seam of Jessie's mouth in a swipe that was both hesitant and tender.

Jessie parted his lips on a strangled groan, welcoming Aidan to explore, craving the slide of each intimate caress. He dug his fingers into Aidan's back, drawing him closer, begging for the warmth and weight against him to settle the storm of need brewing within. Rough fingertips ghosted over Jessie's cheek then traveled down his neck, along his shoulders then down to his waist, never breaking contact with the slow-building, mind-numbing kiss. The touch was both reverent and filled with tenderness, each graze and brush slow, as if memorizing the shape of Jessie's frame and the quiver of each muscle.

A line of fire spread across Jessie's skin and a surge of emotion tightened his chest—no one had ever touched him that way. He angled his head to bind their mouths tighter, holding Aidan in place while his heart pounded wildly, reveling in the intimacy he had craved for far too long with the one man he wanted more with each passing day. The always-present lingering want in the air was no match for the tangible need thrumming between them. He gripped Aidan's hair, clutching his fingers at the back of Aidan's scalp, refusing to let a millimeter of distance sneak into their private space. Aidan groaned into the kiss and huddled closer, digging his fingers into the cheeks of Jessie's backside, pulling him flush against his body.

Aidan broke the kiss and lazily brushed his nose and stubble against Jessie's cheek. Jessie reached up and placed his trembling palm at the side of Aidan's face, hoping to strengthen the tether of intimacy binding them in that moment. Aidan's kiss-swollen lips parted on a breath with the gentle caress. He then wrapped his fingers around Jessie's wrist, turning his face to pepper a slow trail of kisses down Jessie's palm and along the surgical scar inside Jessie's pale wrist. Aidan glanced back at him, his expression more vulnerable and open than Jessie thought possible.

And full of unmistakable love.

He twisted the fabric of Aidan's shirt in his hand, trying to ground himself. "I've waited almost two years for that."

"I've waited a lifetime."

Jessie closed his eyes as his throat tightened with emotion. He pulled Aidan closer and pressed his trembling lips against Aidan's in a slow but quick, gentle kiss.