A Missing Heart (24 page)

It’s the first time I’ve admitted that out loud, and even to myself.

“Surely, you still care about her, though?” Cammy presses.

“I care,” I tell her. “I cared enough to call an ambulance when I thought she was going to end her life again tonight. But, I need a break. I know it sounds terrible and monstrous, but Cam, there’s only so much I can take. I’ve been the only care provider since Gavin was born, and I mean that affectionately and tangibly. I’ve tried to keep Tori mentally stable, while also making sure Gavin grows up happy, and unaware of her demons. After everything that happened with her today, though, I’ve had enough.”

She shakes her head unsurely. “Was she like that when you met her?”

“No. She didn’t want kids. Gavin happened, and I wasn’t about to give him up, no matter how strongly her aversion to kids was. I forced him on her—and a switch flipped the moment he was born.”

Cammy turns her entire body toward me. “It was like that when Casper found out about Ever,” she says with understanding and a bit of comradery. “But…that’s different. She isn’t his. How can a mother feel that way about her own son?”

“I’m not sure.” It kills me to watch it. I can’t comprehend it. He’s a product of her and me, and I feel that every time I look at his little face.

“What are you going to do?” she asks.

I twist my head to the side, looking at her out of the corner of my eye. “I actually don’t know. I’m not happy. That’s all I
do
know.”

“You deserve to be happy,” she says quietly.

“And right this second…” I turn completely toward her, needing her to understand the importance of what I’m trying to say. “I’m as happy as I can be, despite the shit I’ve seen and heard today.”

Inappropriate thoughts seep through the bruised cracks of my mind, thoughts that don’t have a place in my screwed up life at the moment.

“Me too,” she mutters. “Wait. I have an idea.”

Yeah, I do too…

Cammy stands up from the couch and kneels down in front of the mini-fridge. I watch her every move as her pants pull away from her back, revealing the slightest view of a black laced thong. I need to bite down on my knuckles as she pulls open the fridge door and takes out two bottles of Coke and four assorted nips of hard liquor.

She places them down on the coffee table in front of me and runs into the bathroom, returning with two glasses. “We’ve never had a drink together,” I tell her, laughing a little.

“‘
I can’t chance losing my scholarship for a stupid high school party
’,” she mocks her seventeen-year-old self. “I know now that I should have lived it up a little. Just a little.”

“It’s never too late to make up for lost time,” I tell her.

I concoct some awful drinks and hand her one of the glasses. “To Ever,” she says, tapping her glass against mine.

“To
Everything
.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

NORMALLY, AFTER A
day like today, I’d want to get to bed as fast as possible to close out the day and seal it up in my mental
never-remember-this
box, but today is different. Today, or tomorrow—whatever day it is—hasn’t ended, and I’m not sure I would complain about it. It’s like someone is de-weeding my life.

“Do you remember the night we went down to that old farmhouse,” Cammy says, giggling into the back of her hand.

“Oh my God, we almost got busted big time that night,” I add. “It probably wasn’t the best place to hook-up, you know, after finding out someone did actually live in that house. We were kind of asking for it.”

A blush flashes across Cammy’s cheeks. “It’s a good thing the cop was new and didn’t know my dad,” she says.

“What if he did know your dad? What if your dad knew who I was? I never did understand why you didn’t tell your parents about me before you got pregnant. It bothered me,” I tell her, as I refill my glass with the crap nips we saved for last.

“It wasn’t you, AJ,” she says, falling back into the couch cushion. “I wasn’t allowed to date. Mom and Dad were kind of old school and told me I had to wait until I was eighteen.”

“Old school?” I laugh. “Back in their day, kids were hooking up way before eighteen. They just didn’t talk about it.”

She shrugs her shoulders. “I have no idea what their problem was; although, if I had actually listened to them—”

“We’d be missing Everything,” I tell her.

She lifts her glass up, toasting the air, and chugs it down. “I love her so much,” she says. “It’s amazing how all of those feelings came rushing back to me instantly, like a magnetic connection.”

“Yeah,” I say, exhaling loudly. “I know a thing or two about those instant magnetic connections.” I meant it how I said it, and it’s not about Ever this time.

Cammy releases a small cough and places her hand over her cheek, knowing exactly what I meant. “AJ,” she sighs.

“Cammy,” I mimic her tone.

“You haven’t changed a bit,” she says quietly.

“Not a bit,” I confirm.

“Although, you don’t seem as funny as you used to be,” she says, straightening her posture, as if she needed a dagger to fight me off.

“I’ve been doing my best to find my sense of humor these past couple of years, but yeah.”

“I’m sorry you haven’t been happy.” She looks down into her glass and takes another sip.

“I’m sorry
you
haven’t been happy. All I wanted was for you to live the life you wanted.”

“I guess things have a way of happening for a reason,” she says.

“I think you’re right.”

My heart is pounding and my breaths feel short while my nerves are all awake and piercing through every inch of my skin. My body is aching and my mind is closing out the rational side of my conscience—forgetting all the reasons why I should have explained myself to Cammy tonight and then gone home. I place my glass down on the coffee table and hang my head between my shoulders, struggling with my nagging thoughts. Interrupting my internal battle, Cammy’s hand rests on my back. “You okay?”

“No,” I tell her, shaking my head.

“Did I say something wrong?”

I lift my head and, finding her face close to mine, I grab her by the shoulders and forcefully push her down onto the couch. Her eyes are wide, large, blazing at me with wonder, and—I think—hope. I swallow hard and crawl over her, resting one foot on the ground, and two hands on either side of her face. Her chest is moving up and down quickly, and I hear her swallow her nerves. I lean forward, bringing my lips less than an inch from hers. I can already taste the liquor on her breath, and her eyes tell me she’s accepting of whatever might happen before they gently flutter closed. Her lashes feather her flushed skin, and my chest begins to hurt. It might explode.

As difficult as it is, I find the willpower to stop before this goes any further. This is not the right time for anything like this to happen. “I need to do this right,” I tell her. Placing my hand on her cheek while stroking a small circle with the pad of my thumb, I press my lips to her forehead. “I need to figure out my marriage first, or the lack of marriage.”

Cammy looks embarrassed as she pulls herself up against the armrest of the couch. “I’m so sorry,” she says, breathlessly.

“No, do not be sorry. Do you understand?”

“You’re right, though. I don’t want to be the other woman,” she says, clutching at the neckline of her blouse.

I huff a quiet laugh. “The other woman?” I give her a half smile. “You could never be the
other
woman, which is why I need to figure my shit out.”

She nods hastily. “Yes, you do.”

“Am I awful for not being at the hospital with her tonight?” I ask her.

“I don’t know,” she says, offering a sympathetic grimace. “If she had gotten hurt accidentally, I might question your integrity, but she’s obviously dealing with something she can’t seem to explain. Maybe Tori doesn’t even know what it is that’s bothering her. It’s good she’s getting help.”

“I just feel guilty. She told me from the beginning she didn’t want kids. When Gavin came along and I talked her into becoming a family, I had no idea it would end up like this, but as she says, she did try to warn me.”

“AJ, if there’s one thing I know about you, one thing that I’m almost positive never could have changed, it’s your determination to always do the right thing. So if you’re not at the hospital tonight, I have to believe there’s a very good reason for that—whether it’s anger or exhaustion. I wouldn’t question you or your decisions. I think if she told you that she wanted you with her, you’d be there.”

While her words lessen my guilt, the person I am would usually have seen this through until there was nothing else to be done. I know Tori doesn’t want to be with me, and I’ve kept us together with all of my strength but maybe it’s time to start letting go
.

Refocusing on the good, I look back at Cammy. “Are you really staying here? In our town?” I ask her, needing to know I’m not going to come looking for her and find out that she’s run back to D.C. again. I don’t know if I could handle that.

“I miss home, and I miss my best friend, so I’m not going anywhere, AJ…no matter how things in your life get figured out,” she answers, with a small smile.

I pull her into me, embracing her tightly, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair and skin. How the hell am I supposed to figure things out when I already feel like they’ve been figured out for me? I know what—who—I want.

Settling myself into the corner of the couch, I pull Cammy to my side, wrapping my arm around her shoulders so it’s easy for her to rest her head on my chest. The comfort of this moment is as far as I can take things before I make any further decisions, and I’ll take it. I’ve waited so long to just be near her again. After only a few minutes, the sounds of her elongated breaths soothe me into closing my eyes and falling asleep too.

“Um…guys,” Ever says, yanking me from the best sleep I’ve had in a long time. When I open my eyes, I find Cammy still asleep in the crook of my arm. Her hand is resting on my chest and her head is on my shoulder. “I don’t want to know.”

“Ever,” I say in a scolding tone.

“At least you both have your clothes on,” she mutters.

“Knock it off, will you?” I argue.

She grins, like she just figured out how to annoy the crap out of me. “Okay,” she says through an exaggerated sigh.

“You know, it’s a Monday. We should probably enroll you in a school or something.”

“Cameron said she was going to handle that today, after we either get our clothes and belongings back or buy new ones.” I would kind of rather Cameron buy Ever some new clothes.

“That sounds like a great plan,” I say, as Cammy presses her hand into my chest and lifts her face from my shoulder.

“Crap,” she croaks before dropping her head back into my shoulder.
That couldn’t have felt good
.

Ever looks around the room and spots the empty bottles scattered along the coffee table. “Have fun last night?”

Cammy covers her face with her hand and groans. “You don’t see anything,” she slurs through her fingers. “We already suck at this parenting thing. This is why people raise children from babies. So they know better, not to leave evidence behind.”

I should have known better. I have raised a baby—I’m raising a baby who’s with my brother while I’m asleep on a hotel couch. God. I need to put my life back into some kind of order today.

I lift Cammy up a little, placing a pillow beneath her head to replace my shoulder. “Can I get you anything before I take off? I should get down to the hospital to check on Tori. Then I have to grab Gavin.”

“I think I saw a pain reliever in the snack bar, and—” she twists her head to look up at me. “Can I meet Gavin later?”

“Of course,” I tell her. “Here, put your number in my phone.” I hand her my phone and shovel through the mess we made in the snack bar last night. “Got it.”

I grab a bottle of water too, and place them both down on the table as she hands me my phone back.

I call her number from my phone, hearing it ring a couple of times before I end the call. “There, now you have my number also. If you need a lift anywhere today, give me a call. Otherwise, I’ll give you a ring a little later.”