A Mother's Secret (19 page)

Joshua blew out a sigh and fought the urge to tell his mother to stay out of his life. He had to find a way to redirect her attention away from him, but he didn’t know how.

“Maybe you should fire Benjamin.” His mother continued her tirade. “If Ben is gone, then Carolyn won’t come around and ruin your chances with Lena.”

“What?” Joshua leveled his gaze at her. “Did you just say I should fire Ben?”

“
Ya
.” She nodded while folding her arms over her thick middle. “You and Danny are doing a
gut
job running this farm. You don’t need the extra help.”

“
Ya
, I do need the extra help, and Ben is a
wunderbaar
worker.” Aggravation surged through Joshua, replacing the euphoria he’d felt when Carolyn was there. “I’m not going to fire Ben. I need him here.” He pointed to the floor for emphasis. “I’m going to hire him on permanently. I can’t keep up with the books and do my other chores now that Hannah is gone. I need Ben to help Danny so I can do other important chores to keep this farm running.”

Mamm
didn’t look convinced. “Carolyn needs to learn her place so she doesn’t ruin your chances with Lena. You need to tell her to stay away.”

Joshua shook his head. It felt as though his blood pressure was spiking, bringing heat to his cheeks. “That’s not going to happen either. This is my
haus
and my farm, and she’s welcome here anytime she wants to come by.”

His mother’s expression became smug. “Actually, your
dat
and I own this land and this
haus
. And I don’t want her here.”

She was right. His parents owned the land, and he paid them rent monthly. Joshua bit his lower lip to stop the angry and disrespectful words that bubbled up from his throat. He needed to walk away from his mother before he said something he regretted. “I need to get back to work.”

“This conversation isn’t over, Joshua.” Although her words were strong, her expression was tentative, indicating she was out of arguments to support her point.

“
Ya
, it is.” Joshua stalked out the door and sent up a silent prayer to God, begging him to grant him patience with his mother.

Carolyn sat on the front porch swing of her house and hugged her cloak over her nightgown. She had said good night to her parents and Benjamin and headed to her room only to find that she couldn’t sleep. Her mind was still racing after the conversation she’d had with Joshua earlier in the day. She couldn’t stop thinking about him.

She looked up at the clear sky and studied the stars. She couldn’t help but wonder if Joshua had sat on his porch and watched some of the same storms she had over the years. She never imagined someone like Joshua would enjoy doing something as mundane as watch storms. He was much more complicated than she’d thought.

The clip-clop of a horse coming up their driveway drew her attention away from the sky. She wondered who would visit so
late at night. Her stomach fluttered as she wondered if it was Joshua coming to tell her that he wanted to get to know her better, which was the tradition for the older single members of the community. Bachelors would visit their prospective girlfriends at night when they had privacy to visit without interruption. The women would sit on their porch after their family members had gone to sleep and wait for the men to arrive.

Carolyn touched her kerchief on her hair to make sure it was straight and then she smoothed her hands over her cloak. Whoever it was wouldn’t be able to tell she was in her nightgown. And even with a lantern near her it was probably too dark to notice she wore slippers.

The horse and buggy stopped in front of her house, and she held her breath with anticipation. Soon the driver climbed out of the buggy and stepped into the dim light her lantern cast onto the stairs. The figure looked to be slightly too short to be Joshua, but she held on to the hope that it would be his handsome face climbing the stairs to see her. Her excitement faded and she tried to hold back her disappointment when Saul climbed the steps instead.

“Saul,” she said, doing her best to appear happy to see him. “
Wie geht’s?
”

“I’m doing well.” He stopped at the top of the steps. “I’m surprised to see you up at this hour. I thought I would have to throw a pebble at your window.”

“I couldn’t sleep, so I decided I’d come out for some fresh air.” She motioned toward the chair next to the swing. “Have a seat.”

“
Danki
.” He lowered his body into the chair.

An awkward silence similar to what they had experienced before fell between them as they both stared straight ahead.
Carolyn couldn’t help but keep wishing it were Joshua sitting on her porch instead of Saul, and she felt guilty for having such negative thoughts about her visitor. After all, he’d traveled through the dark just to see her. She should feel flattered that he was there making an effort for her sake.

“Is something bothering you?” Saul’s question broke through her mental tirade.

Carolyn turned toward him, worried he could read her thoughts. “What do you mean?”

“You said you were having problems sleeping. Is something weighing on your mind?”

She was silent for a moment. She’d never expected Saul to say something as thoughtful as asking her about her feelings. “No, there’s nothing weighing on my mind. I’m not sure why I can’t sleep.” The fib rolled off her tongue as if she lied all the time. Her mother would be so disappointed in her.

“How was your day?” he asked while looking at her.

“It was busy.” Carolyn told him about running errands, doing chores, and cooking dinner. She asked about his day, and he detailed the current projects in his shop.

“It sounds like your business keeps you busy.”

“
Ya
, it does.” His expression was pleasant. “Emma had a
wunderbaar
time last week when you, Sarah Ann, Amos, and Ben came for supper.”

“Oh.” She forced a smile. “I did too.”

“The truth is,” he said, “I had a
gut
time too.” He heaved a heavy sigh that seemed to begin from his toes. “I’m not
gut
at expressing my feelings.”

“That’s okay. Not everyone is
gut
at that.” Her shoulders tensed as she waited to hear what he was going to say next.

“Ever since I lost my
fraa
, I’ve had a difficult time talking about how I feel.” He shook his head. “I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to talking to women, except when I’m discussing cabinets.” He gave a little laugh, and Carolyn smiled in response.

They were both silent for a moment. He cleared his throat and kept his eyes staring forward. “It’s difficult for me to believe Emma and I have been alone for six years now. Time certainly does fly by. I wanted to find a proper
mutter
for Emma, but the time never seemed right for me to start dating again. And then Amos told me about you and Benjamin, and it seemed like God had put you in my path for a reason.” He absently fingered his beard. “What I mean is that I would like to get to know you better.”

Carolyn was stunned silent by Saul’s openness. Although he seemed like a cold and unfriendly man at his house, she now saw him as a broken man who’d been devastated by the loss of his wife. He didn’t warm her heart like Joshua did, but he was a good man. Although she wanted to marry for love, she knew it was time that she married and had a home of her own and that she had to consider settling for a man who had a kind heart. Maybe God meant for her to marry Saul.

“So, what do you say?” Saul’s dark eyes were hopeful in the dim light of the lantern. “Would you allow me to get to know you better?”

“
Ya
.” Her voice was soft.

“
Gut
.” He talked on about his current projects and then the weather while she listened in silence.

His words were only background noise to the confusing thoughts and sudden feeling of guilt that washed down on her.
Carolyn knew in her heart that she would never fall in love with Saul. She felt no attraction to him. Yet here she was promising to be Saul’s friend while wondering if she could ever get to know Joshua better. She hadn’t dated in sixteen years, and now she was stuck in a love triangle. How did she wind up in such a predicament?

After what felt like an hour, Saul stood. “I should let you try to get some sleep. I’ll come visit you again soon.” He moved toward the stairs. “
Gut nacht
.”

“
Gut nacht,
” she repeated.

While she watched him drive off, she decided to give Saul a fair chance. He seemed to be the practical solution to her need for a husband and father for Benjamin. Perhaps she was the solution to his need for a wife and a mother for Emma. Yet she simultaneously wondered how she was ever going to get out of this mess without losing her heart.

ELEVEN

C
arolyn arrived home from work Wednesday afternoon and picked up her pace when she spotted her parents standing on the porch. They seemed to be upset.

“Was iss letz?”

“Enos and Irma Bontrager’s dairy barn burned down last night.”
Dat
shook his head and fingered his long beard. “It was a lightning strike. I just heard the news.”

“
Ach
, no.” Carolyn gasped. “Is everyone all right? Did they get their cows out?”

“
Ya
, everyone is fine, but they need some fifty men to come and help frame the new barn tomorrow. Amos and I are going to help.”

“We’ll cook.” Carolyn looked at her mother.

“
Ya
.”
Mamm’s
nod was emphatic. “My
dat’s
shop burned down when I was five, and I still remember the men who helped rebuild it and the women who brought food.”

Carolyn carried a platter of macaroni and cheese as she followed her mother, Rosemary, and Sarah Ann into Irma Bontrager’s kitchen. A crowd of women talked and moved about the kitchen
while preparing lunch for the men who were working to frame the Bontragers’ barn.

Carolyn greeted both familiar and unfamiliar faces as she gathered up paper cups for drinks. When she glanced across the kitchen, she spotted Barbie Glick, and her shoulders stiffened. She wondered if Barbie’s presence indicated that Josh and his father had also come to help frame the barn.

“Carolyn!” Emma Beiler rushed over from the kitchen door. “I was hoping you were here.”

“Hi, Emma.” Carolyn smiled at the girl.
“Wie geht’s?”

“I’m doing great, thanks.” She held up a platter. “
Mei dat
helped me make some whoopie pies. We made chocolate and pumpkin.”

“Oh.” Carolyn leaned down and breathed in the sweet aroma. “They smell
wunderbaar
, Emma. Great job.”

“Hi, Emma!” Rosemary joined them. “How are you?”

The girls fell into a conversation about cooking while Carolyn helped Sarah Ann arrange food on platters that would be served outside at lunchtime. She looked up as Barbie and a young woman Carolyn didn’t know came to the table and began placing lunch meat on a platter. Sarah Ann made conversation about the warm weather and vibrant blooming flowers while Carolyn kept her eyes on the food and stayed quiet. She wondered who the young woman was and noticed that she didn’t speak much either. She wondered if she was also intimidated by Barbie’s outspoken personality.