A Mother's Secret (38 page)

“You’re right,” Joshua finally said.

“If you reject
mei mamm
, then you’re throwing away a
wunderbaar maedel
. I pray someday she can find someone who will truly love her and accept me. I’m tired of watching her suffer. I have to stand up for her because she’s done the same for me for the past sixteen years. Now it’s time for me to tell the community she’s a wonderful Christian woman despite the way she’s been persecuted.” Benjamin threw his hands up with disgust. “I can’t work for you anymore. If I continue to come here and work, that means I’m accepting how you treated her. I can’t do that.”

Benjamin started for the door. He looked back over his shoulder to where Joshua was staring at him wide eyed. “I quit.”

Benjamin rushed down the porch steps and climbed into the buggy. During the ride home, he prayed to God, begging him to heal his mother’s broken heart.

Joshua stared at the back door after Benjamin left. He was speechless. He’d never expected Benjamin to come and visit him. He sank into a kitchen chair while contemplating what the young man had said. He couldn’t stop wondering if this was the sign he’d asked God to send him. Was this the sign he needed to realize that Carolyn was the one for him?

The question echoed through his mind as he headed to bed, and it haunted his dreams.

Carolyn hugged her cloak to her body, grabbed a battery-powered lantern, and made her way out to the porch later that evening. Although she’d tried to shut down her thoughts to sleep, she couldn’t stop her swirling emotions. She’d pulled on her robe and slippers, grabbed her cloak by the door, and then padded out to the porch for some fresh air, hoping to clear her mind so sleep could overtake her.

She settled onto the porch swing just as a buggy made its way up the driveway toward her house. She held her breath while wondering if it was Joshua or Saul. But she knew it was unlikely that Joshua would ever speak to her again, and she quickly trumped any hope that he would come to visit her.

When the man climbed from the buggy, she knew it was Saul. He walked up the porch steps, and she forced a smile as he stepped into the warm glow of the lantern.

“Saul,” she said. “
Wie geht’s?
”

“How are you, Carolyn?” He pointed toward a rocking chair next to the swing. “May I have a seat?”

“Please, join me.” She looked up at the bright stars in the clear sky and couldn’t help but think that they mocked her bleak mood.

“It’s a
schee
evening,
ya
?” he asked.

“It is.” The air was crisp, and she pulled her cloak closer. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’ve wanted to come visit you, but I’ve been overrun with cabinet orders. I can hardly keep up.” He folded his arms over his coat. “I’ve wanted to expand my business, but I just haven’t had the money. I’m hoping I can soon.”

He talked on about his projects, and she nodded while trying her best to look interested. Instead, her thoughts were lost on her heartbreaking conversation with Joshua. She wondered if things would’ve ended differently if she had been honest about Benjamin from the beginning.

“So that’s why I came over tonight.” Saul said her name, and she snapped back to reality. “Did you hear me, Carolyn?”

“I’m sorry, Saul. What did you say?”

His dark eyes pleaded with her. “Carolyn, I asked you if you would consider being my
fraa
. Will you marry me?”

She swallowed a gasp. She’d never expected him to ask her the direct question. She stared at him, not knowing what to say. The question hung suspended between them, and an awkward silence covered them. For a few moments, she considered marrying him and accepting his offer for a practical, safe marriage. Yet the more she considered the idea, the more she rejected it. In the end, she knew she’d rather be alone than be stuck for the rest of her life in a loveless marriage.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said as his expression clouded. “It’s too soon.”

“Saul,” she began, “I’m so honored that you asked me. You’re a
gut
man, and Emma is a lovely
kind
. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you.”

He frowned, and she held up her hand.

“Wait. Let me finish. I know that someday you’ll find a
maedel
who will love you completely. Unfortunately, I’m not that
maedel
. I’m honored that you considered me, but I know I’m not right for you. Please forgive me for saying no.”

He nodded as he stood. “
Danki
for visiting with me.”

“
Gut nacht
, Saul,” she called as he walked toward his buggy. She watched him drive off and wondered if she would spend the rest of her life sitting on her parents’ porch, hoping to find a man to love. Someone who wasn’t Josh.

Joshua jumped out of bed. He was certain Benjamin’s visit last night was the sign that he’d been waiting to receive from God. He had to go see Carolyn and apologize. He had to make things right before it was too late, before he lost her for good.

He quickly fed the animals, rushed back inside to eat breakfast, and then hurried out to the barn and called Aiden Monroe, his parents’ usual driver.

“Aiden, how soon can you give me a ride? I need to go somewhere as soon as possible.” Aiden was able to come right away, and Joshua was anxiously awaiting the ride when Daniel arrived. He had hoped he would get there before Aiden did so he wouldn’t have to leave a note.

“Danny.” Joshua dashed out to meet the young man. “I need you to run things for me today. Can you handle it alone?”

“Sure.” Daniel studied him. “What’s going on?”

“Ben quit last night.”

“Why did he quit? I thought he loved working here.”

“He does love working here.” Joshua shook his head. “I can’t explain it all now, but I’m going to try to make things right. Hopefully Ben will be back here Monday.”

“What’s going on?” Daniel asked. “You look upset.”

“I am.” Joshua glanced toward the road as Aiden’s pickup truck steered into the driveway. “I have to go out for a few hours. I promise I’ll explain everything when I get back, okay?”

“All right. I hope everything turns out okay.” Daniel looked suspicious. “See you later.”

Joshua rushed toward the pickup truck and climbed in the front seat. “Thanks for helping me at the last minute.”

“It was good to hear from you, Josh.” Aiden glanced over at Joshua. “Where can I take you first?”

“I need to talk to my mother, and then I was hoping you could take me to Gordonville.”

“No problem.” Aiden backed out of the driveway and then drove up the street to Josh’s parents’ farm. He parked in the driveway, and Joshua walked swiftly up to the house.

He found his mother standing at the sink washing dishes.

“Joshua?” She wiped her hands on a dish towel. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today. You normally have customers visiting on Saturdays. Would you like something to eat?”

“No,
danki
.” He cleared his throat. “I need to talk to you.”

“What’s wrong?” She took a step toward him. “You look upset.”

“I’ve done a lot of thinking, and a fifteen-year-old talked some sense into me last night.”

“Which fifteen-year-old are you talking about?”

“Benjamin Lapp came to see me. He made me realize I’ve been wrong about a lot of things, mostly how I treated his
mamm
yesterday.”

His mother frowned, and his temper flared.

“
Mamm
, I’m in love with Carolyn Lapp, and nothing is going to change that. God led me to her so I could finally find happiness after spending so many years alone. I know you don’t approve of her, but this is my life, not yours.” He pointed toward his chest. “I’m going to marry her if she’ll forgive me. I was wrong to be upset with her for not telling me the truth about Ben from the beginning. Ben made me realize Carolyn has been persecuted for years over making one mistake. I was just as bad as the other judgmental people in this community who call themselves Christians.”

Mamm
shook her head. “No, you weren’t bad. You were right, and she was wrong to keep that secret from you. She lied to you.”

Joshua swallowed a deep breath and closed his eyes while trying to hold back his boiling fury. “
Mamm
, I need you to listen to me for once. You need to stop meddling in my life and let me make my own decisions. I know you miss Gideon, and I know you’re hurting because Hannah left the church. But you need to concentrate on living your own life, and let me live mine.”

Mamm
blanched as her eyes gleamed with tears.

“
Ich liebe dich
, but if you can’t accept Carolyn, then you’re going to have to stay away from us. I can’t allow you to interfere in this relationship. It’s too important to me. I need you to
respect my decisions and back off.” He couldn’t stand to see his mother cry, but he had to stay firm with her or she would never cease butting into his life.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was tiny and unsure, which he’d never heard before. “I’m sorry, Joshua. I will respect your decision. I promise to back away and let you live your life.”

She hugged him, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

“
Danki
.” Joshua started for the door. “Now I’m going to see if Carolyn will forgive me.” He rushed out the door and climbed into the truck. As the pickup bounced down the driveway, Joshua prayed that Carolyn would indeed forgive him.

TWENTY-TWO

C
arolyn hung up the phone in the phone shanty and then walked back toward the house. She found her mother in the kitchen making a shopping list.

Mamm
looked up from her list. “Did you check the messages?”

“
Ya
, there weren’t any.” She craned her neck and examined the list. “Can I help you with that?”

“Sure. Why don’t you go over to the pantry and see if we have any flour.”
Mamm
gestured toward the other side of the kitchen. “I think we were low the last time I checked.”

Carolyn opened the pantry door and peeked inside the flour canister. “
Ya
, we’re low. I’d say we have about half a cup left.”

The back door opened, and Benjamin walked in.