A New Year Marriage Proposal (Harlequin Romance) (14 page)

Yeah. So had he. He raked a hand through his hair. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘Try me.’

‘I want this to be different. But...’ He shook his head. ‘I’m just not good at this stuff, Carissa. I’ve never been good at being close to people. The only time I really, really tried, I got it so badly wrong it’s untrue.’

She went white. ‘Are you still in love with Tabitha?’

‘No. I stopped loving her a long time ago. Though I admit I haven’t made much effort to get close to anyone since her.’ Apart from Carissa. And he’d made a mess of that, too. He sighed. ‘I’m not good at family stuff either.’

‘What makes you say that? I mean, I know Tabitha’s family wasn’t very nice to you, but that was their problem, not yours.’

‘I don’t normally talk about it.’

‘Well, there’s a surprise,’ she drawled.

Ouch. He knew he deserved that. And he also knew that she deserved the truth.

‘Let me just get dressed,’ he said, and pulled his clothes on before sitting on the edge of her bed. Not close enough to touch her—if he was going to tell her everything, then he couldn’t handle the extra distraction.

And then, finally, he began to talk.

‘I was brought up by my aunt and uncle.’ He looked away. ‘My mum didn’t want me—I was in the way of her following her dreams. When I was six months old my aunt and uncle were supposed to look after me just for the weekend, to give her a break.

‘But then she called them and said she wasn’t coming back. She said she was about to get on a plane to America, and she knew they’d be able to give me a better life than she could, so she was leaving me with them to be brought up. And then she hung up and caught her plane, and I never saw her again.’

Carissa frowned. ‘What about your dad? Didn’t he come and get you? Or did he go to America with her?’

‘Nobody actually knew who my dad was,’ Quinn said. ‘So I couldn’t really answer your question that time about whether I come from a line of scientists and inventors. Because I really don’t have a clue who he was, and my mother would never say.’

She bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry.’

He shrugged. ‘It’s not your fault.’

‘Quinn, I really don’t understand what’s going on here. I don’t understand why you wanted to go without even saying goodbye.’

That was an easy one to answer. ‘Because you need to be with your family, and I’m going to be in the way.’

‘But they liked you. You’d be welcome to join us today. More than welcome.’

He shook his head. ‘I can’t.’

‘Why not? They’re not like Tabitha’s family. They wouldn’t be mean. I mean, you met them, Quinn. You came out for dinner with us. You know they’re nice.’ Hurt widened her eyes.

‘I’m not good at family stuff,’ he said again. ‘When I grew up, I always knew I was in the way. My aunt and uncle had a corner shop and three boys as it was—they didn’t need an extra child to clothe and feed. I was a burden.’

‘But they still brought you up.’

In typical Carissa fashion, she was trying to find the bright side. Except there wasn’t one. He’d just been lonely and miserable. ‘Yes.’ He smiled thinly. ‘Though I was always conscious that they’d been charitable.’

‘Maybe they were just really angry with your mum for letting you down,’ she suggested, ‘and you were too young to realise that and you thought they were angry with you, when actually they weren’t.’

He’d never thought of that before.

But he wasn’t so sure that was the truth either. ‘I didn’t fit in,’ Quinn said, ‘and it always seemed worse at Christmas. A time when families are all meant to be close and loving, and mine just seemed to be full of arguments about money and who was supposed to be doing what in the shop. Obviously my mum didn’t ever send anything to help pay for my food, clothes or school trips.’ He shrugged. ‘I did try contacting her a couple of times, but she made it clear that she didn’t want to know. She’d found herself a new life, one that didn’t have room for me.’

‘I’m sorry. That’s rough on you,’ she said.

He shook his head. ‘Don’t pity me. I think she was right—I was better off without her, because she wouldn’t have been good for me.’

‘What about your aunt and uncle?’ she asked.

‘I just never really felt part of the family.’

‘Maybe they were just not very good at emotional stuff and talking about their feelings,’ Carissa said.

Which was the point. He wasn’t either. How could he make her understand how out on a limb he’d always felt?

‘I found out I was really good at maths and physics at school. I took my exams early and I was planning a career in computer programming. My aunt and uncle wanted me to leave school at sixteen and work in the shop with my cousins, but I wanted to stay on to do my A levels and maybe go to university.’

Again, he looked away. ‘They wouldn’t hear of it. My cousins had all left school at sixteen and gone into the family business. Nobody in our family went to university. Ever.’ He’d never talked about this before. But maybe, just maybe, if he told her, she’d understand. ‘They said I had to leave school and work in the shop because I owed them for taking me in.’

She blew out a breath. ‘That’s pretty harsh. But maybe they were panicking, Quinn. You were about to do something nobody else in your family had ever done, and they didn’t have a clue how to support you through it.’

He shrugged. ‘Anyway, I left and learned to support myself.’

Her eyes widened. ‘You left home and supported yourself at sixteen?’

He shrugged again. ‘It was the only way I could do it. I had a weekend job that paid the rent on my bedsit and my food, and I went to school to study for my A levels during the week.’

‘Being independent so young... I couldn’t have done it. You’re pretty amazing for getting through that,’ she said. ‘But your uncle and aunt are proud of you now, surely?’

‘It’s com—’ he began.

‘—plicated,’ she finished, and shook her head. ‘Quinn, it could be simple, if you let it.’

‘How?’

‘I’ll tell you what I see,’ she said. ‘I see a man who was let down by his mum and always thought he wasn’t good enough because she didn’t want him, so he never really let himself get close to anyone. He worked and worked and worked to get where he is now. He made a few mistakes along the way—as anyone would, because he’s only human. He picked the wrong person to fall in love with, someone who made him feel that he still wasn’t good enough, despite how much he’d achieved.

‘And now he believes what other people made him think about himself. He thinks he isn’t good enough and he won’t give himself a chance. But all he has to do is look at himself and see who he really is. Believe in himself.’

Quinn didn’t have any answers to that.

She looked thoughtful. ‘You once told me if you realised you’d picked the wrong person, you could just walk away.’

Ice trickled down his spine. What exactly was she saying?

‘But sometimes,’ she said softly, ‘you have to walk away even if you think it’s the right person.’

He might be inadequate, but he wasn’t a coward. He met her head on. ‘Are you saying you’re going to walk away from me?’

She bit her lip. ‘This isn’t going to work, Quinn. Not until you can see yourself and accept yourself for who you really are. If you can’t do that, you’ll never be able to really accept that someone can love you, and you won’t be able to let yourself go enough to really love them back. And that isn’t fair on anyone.’

He had no words. None at all. Any articulation he’d ever had simply deserted him. All he could do was stare at her.

She was breaking up with him.

‘Go home, Quinn,’ she said.

Yup. She was definitely breaking up with him. Asking him to leave.

There wasn’t any point in trying to change her mind. He knew he wasn’t enough for her. Just as he hadn’t been enough, all the way through his life. Nothing had changed. So he simply got up, walked out of the room and walked out of her life.

* * *

Every nerve in Carissa’s body screamed to her to call him back. To run after him, regardless of the fact that she wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing. He was so lost, so lonely—and throwing him out was cruel.

Then again, she knew she was doing the right thing. Being cruel to be kind. Because at the end of the day Quinn O’Neill was the only person who could make Quinn O’Neill see himself for who he really was. She could talk and talk and tell him until she was blue in the face, but until he was ready to believe her he simply wouldn’t listen and she would be wasting her breath.

She just hoped that he could do it.

And that then he’d be ready to come back and meet her halfway.

She stayed exactly where she was for the next half an hour, sitting with her arms wrapped round her legs and her chin resting on her knees, forcing herself not to cry. She’d done the right thing for both of them. And she knew it. She just wished it didn’t feel as if her heart had been ripped out and hung up to dry.

Washing her hair and having a shower didn’t make her feel any better.

She put on her make-up and stared at her reflection in the mirror. ‘Right, Carissa Wylde—you’re going to Nan and Poppy’s, you’re going to pretend that last night never happened, and you’re going to smile your face off because it’s Christmas and everyone knows you really love Christmas,’ she told herself out loud. If she wasn’t smiling, her family would notice and they’d guess why. She didn’t want to make them worry about her and she most definitely didn’t want to discuss what had gone wrong with Quinn,

Inside, her heart was in shreds. But she wasn’t going to let anyone see.

‘Bring it on. I love Christmas,’ she said, and went out to her car.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

O
N
HER
DAYS
away from the office, Carissa would normally have enjoying plotting things for Project Sparkle—but right now she found herself going through the motions. Quinn hadn’t come back. He hadn’t texted her, or called, or emailed. And, much as she missed him and she was desperate to know how he was, she also knew that if they were to stand any kind of chance of coming through this, she had to keep her distance until he was ready.

If only it wasn’t so hard.

And what if he didn’t come back?

The thought was so scary that she actually stopped breathing for a moment. But then she shook herself. She’d survive. Of course she would. She’d got over what had happened with Justin. But it would take her a long, long time to get over Quinn.

* * *

‘What do you want, Mara?’ Quinn asked when he answered the video call.

‘You look terrible,’ she said.

‘Well, hello to you, too. Don’t pull your punches, will you?’ he said wryly.

‘Quinn, you’ve worked every day since Christmas. Normal people take time off to spend with their families.’

‘There’s no need. I don’t have a family to spend it with,’ he pointed out. It wasn’t strictly true, but he’d spent enough time with his family begrudging him. He was better off on his own.

‘What about Carissa?’ Mara asked.

‘What about Carissa?’ he fenced.

‘All the charity work you started doing—you normally just donate a huge sum of money if someone asks you for help, something big enough so people won’t push you to get involved and give personal time and effort. This time you did actually get involved—and it’s because of her.’

He didn’t answer.

‘Quinn, don’t be difficult. Whatever’s happened between you, why don’t you just talk to her and sort it out?’

‘What makes you think there’s a problem?’ he asked.

‘Because you’re a guy and you believe in being strong and silent,’ Mara said. ‘Look, if you’ve been an idiot, just buy her some chocolates or flowers, apologise, grovel a bit and sort it out.’

‘And if she’s the one who dumped me?’ Quinn tested.

‘Apart from the fact that in all the years I’ve known you, women have queued up to date you and try to get you to commit, and you’re always the one who does the dumping,’ Mara said, ‘there’s the way Carissa was looking at you when we went to the safe house. She likes you. More than likes you. And you obviously like her, because you dated her for longer than anyone
ever
.’

‘We weren’t dating,’ Quinn protested. ‘It was a bet.’

‘Yeah, right,’ Mara said scornfully. ‘Pull the other one—it’s got bells on. Quinn, when you were with her you looked happier than I’ve ever known you. You’re being an idiot. Talk to her.’

Right at that point, he couldn’t.

But little bits of their last conversation kept flicking into his head at odd times, even when he was trying to concentrate on his work. Things that made him think about his family. Family was important to Carissa, yet he’d turned his back on his.

Maybe they were just really angry with your mum for letting you down...

Maybe they were just not very good at emotional stuff and talking about their feelings...

Maybe they were panicking...they didn’t have a clue how to support you...

Was she right?

There was only one way to find out.

He picked up the phone. It had been years since he’d spoken to his cousins. He’d never really been close to then. The oldest, Sam, was ten years older than he was, and as a teenager hadn’t been interested in spending time with a small child. Max was five years older, and they’d had nothing in common. Tim, the youngest, was the same age—but Tim had always been into football and had mocked Quinn for being a bookish nerd.

Sam, as the oldest, had the most life experience, so he was likely to be the most approachable. Quinn hoped.

He dialled his number, hoping that Sam would actually be there. To his relief, Sam answered. ‘Sam? It’s Quinn.’

‘Quinn?’ Sam sounded surprised. ‘What do you want?’

Not the best of openings but, then again, how long had it been since they’d talked? ‘Just ringing to wish you a happy new year.’ Not the whole truth, but it was a start.

‘Uh-huh.’ Sam coughed. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way—but you never call to wish us a happy new year.’

‘Maybe I’m trying to turn over a new leaf.’ Quinn sighed. ‘OK. I know it’s a lot to ask, and a lot of things have gone wrong in the past, but it’s about time they were sorted out. I wondered if we could talk?’

‘Well—I guess. When and where?’

Didn’t they always say there was no time like the present? ‘Today?’

‘Where are you?’

‘London. I can be with you in a couple of hours.’

Sam paused, and for a moment Quinn thought he was going to say no. ‘OK. I’ll get cover for my shift. Do Mum and Dad know you’re coming?’

‘No. And I thought we could meet on neutral ground so there’s no pressure on anyone.’

‘Just you and me, then. OK. Do you know the café on Borough Street? There’s parking on the road outside.’

‘OK. See you there.’

Quinn felt ridiculously nervous as he drove to Birmingham. He couldn’t fix the past, but maybe he could put it to rest and start to look to the future. Make things different.

Sam was already in the café when he walked in, and stood up to shake Quinn’s hand. ‘Good to see you.’ He scrutinised Quinn closely. ‘Whatever you’re doing now, it suits you.’

‘Same old nerdy stuff,’ Quinn said wryly. And then, surprising himself, he blurted out, ‘I met someone.’

‘I wondered,’ Sam said. ‘Because it changes you when you meet someone.’

The warmth in Sam’s expression told Quinn that he’d made the right decision. His cousin understood. And there was a chance that they could start to fix things ‘Yeah.’

‘Let me get us a coffee,’ Sam said, and caught the waitress’s eye.

Once they’d ordered, he said, ‘So that’s what this is really about?’

‘Yes and no,’ Quinn said. ‘She’s made me see that maybe I got it wrong about the past.’

‘Walking out on us, you mean? That really hurt Mum and Dad.’

‘I know. And I’m sorry for that. I didn’t do it to hurt them.’ Quinn sighed. ‘I just knew I didn’t want the life they planned for me, and I couldn’t see any other way out.’

‘And you were so different from us. None of us really understood you, and I guess Mum and Dad found it hard to get through to you,’ Sam said. ‘Now I’m a dad, I see things differently. You want your kids to have the best, and they don’t always want the same things for themselves that you want for them. You can’t force them to be someone they’re not.

‘My oldest—he’s a lot like you. Clever. I don’t have a clue what he’s talking about half the time, and he knows that. But I make sure he knows it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.’

‘That’s good.’ Quinn paused. ‘I always felt I was a burden to your parents. That they didn’t really want me there.’

‘We were a bit short on space—and money,’ Sam admitted. ‘But it wasn’t your fault. And I don’t think they meant to make you feel left out.’

‘A lot of the time I felt as if they were angry with me.’

Sam shook his head. ‘They weren’t angry with you—it was your mum. And you were definitely better off with us than with her. I remember your mum,’ Sam said. ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but she’s probably the most self-centred person I’ve ever met. Even as a ten-year-old, I could tell that. When I was younger, she used to sweep in—you could smell her perfume half a mile away—and she expected Mum to wait on her hand and foot. And the way she just left you...’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t understand her at all. I could never have done that with any of my three.’

So Carissa had been right about that. His uncle and aunt hadn’t seen him as a burden. They’d worried about him, cared—they just hadn’t known how to tell him or show him. And, with a child’s perspective on the situation, he hadn’t been able to see that for himself. He’d just felt like an outsider.

‘Mum and Dad tried to make up for her, but I guess you can’t do that,’ Sam continued. ‘And maybe they didn’t try hard enough, if you felt you were in the way. It wasn’t fair on you.’ He paused. ‘And I know they feel bad that you had to bail us out three years ago.’

‘What was I meant to do—leave you all to the mercy of the bankruptcy officer and watch everything you’d all worked for being taken away from you?’ Quinn grimaced. ‘Though I could’ve been more tactful about the way I did it.’

‘Yeah. Dad’s proud,’ Sam said. ‘It made him feel ashamed.’

‘I guess I wanted to pay you all back for what you’d done for me. I wasn’t trying to rub your noses in it and make you think that I was some kind of big shot. Because I’m not.’

‘Quinn, you just moved to Belgravia. Of course you’re a big shot,’ Sam said, rolling his eyes. ‘You’ve done well for yourself.’

Maybe, but he’d also missed out on a lot. Family things. He barely knew his family. ‘I don’t even know your kids. Just their names,’ he admitted. ‘Sending money for birthdays and Christmases—it isn’t enough.’

‘She must be really special,’ Sam said softly, ‘if she can make you see that.’

‘She is.’ Though he might have messed that up permanently, too. ‘You can’t change the past. I guess all you can do is learn from your mistakes and make things better for the future.’

‘I’ll drink to that.’ Sam raised his coffee cup. ‘It wasn’t all your fault. We all made mistakes, too. I was the oldest. I should’ve made more of an effort.’

‘You were ten years older than me. As a baby, I would’ve been a nuisance, taking your mum’s attention, and when I started walking and talking you were a teenager—you weren’t going to be interested in a toddler.’

‘I still should’ve made more of an effort. We all should.’

‘Maybe,’ Quinn said, ‘the new year can be a new beginning. It’s not going to be easy, and I have a lot of bridges to build.’

Sam regarded him for a while. ‘Yes, you do. But it’s easier to build a bridge together than on your own. So if you want a hand building those bridges, maybe we can make a start.’

‘I’d like that. And I’m sorry, Sam.’

‘Me, too. But you’re right. You can learn from your mistakes. Maybe we all need to learn to talk more. I know my wife’s changed me. And your girl...’ He paused expectantly.

‘Carissa.’

‘Carissa.’ Sam nodded. ‘She’ll change you.’

Quinn thought she already had. ‘Tell me about your kids,’ Quinn said. ‘Your wife. Catch me up on what I’ve missed.’

Sam grinned, and took his phone out of his pocket. ‘When you’re seriously bored of seeing photographs of the kids and the puppy, just remember you asked for it.’

Quinn smiled back. He’d definitely done the right thing.

* * *

At the end of the afternoon Quinn left his cousin, feeling decidedly better. And it was all thanks to Carissa pushing him into thinking about the situation properly and working out how to change it.

Could he fix the rest of it—the damage he’d done to himself and Carissa?

Because he knew now that he loved her. Not in the way he’d loved Tabitha—this was something that filled his soul. He’d fallen in love with Carissa Wylde. With a sweet, charming, lovely woman who loved playing fairy godmother and making other people’s worlds a better place. OK, she could be a little bit bossy—but he liked that side of her, too. She was organised and determined, the kind of person you’d want on your team rather than the opposition. The kind of person who made things happen rather than just talking about it.

Accept yourself for who you are. Because if you can’t do that, you’ll never be able to really accept that someone can love you, and you won’t be able to let yourself go enough to really love them back.

Could he accept himself for who he was?

A man.

One who made mistakes.

One who was great at his job but wasn’t so good at the emotional stuff.

But he was prepared to try. To make the effort. To make things as right as he could.

Quinn thought about it.

And thought about it some more.

And he knew that he was really going to have to do something special to get Carissa to talk to him.

The supermarket was heaving with people doing a last-minute shop for party food, but he managed to get what he wanted—including something he thought Carissa might like. The one thing she hadn’t included in her magic-of-Christmas proofs—but then again it wasn’t really a Christmassy thing.

And he also needed her to know just how serious he was about this. Which meant doing something that scared the hell out of him but he thought it was the only way forward.

Half an hour on the internet found him exactly what he wanted.

And a phone call to the designer—plus some sweet-talking on his part—got him an out-of-hours appointment.

He knew the ring was the right one the moment he saw it. A narrow band of platinum with a heart-shaped diamond in the centre, in a sleek platinum setting. It was discreet and beautiful, like Carissa herself.

This was the biggest risk he’d ever taken in his life. A commitment. Actually letting someone get close to him. They could both end up very, very badly hurt.

Or they could both end up being really, really happy.

There was no middle ground. Double or quits. They’d played that game before, but this time it was for real.

He had to trust her. Trust
himself
.

‘I’ll take it,’ he said, and had the ring placed in a navy velvet box, then wrapped in sparkly silver paper and tied with a navy chiffon ribbon.