A Not-So-Simple Life (21 page)

Caitlin took me to a coffee shop called the Paradiso, and after a little encouragement, I told her what was going on with me. Instead of going into all the details of my past (although I did tell her that my mom was doing time), I mostly described what happened to me Sunday afternoon…and how it felt authentic and beyond me but that I didn’t know how to hold on to it. I didn’t understand it. Maybe I needed help. “But it felt really real—like maybe it could change my life,” I said finally.

She set down her cup and smiled. “God.”

I slowly nodded. “I kind of thought so too. But I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to do with it.”

“Did you invite God into your heart, Maya?”

Naturally, this took me by surprise. Besides being a fairly personal question, it was kind of confusing. “I’m not sure. I mean, a long time ago when I was eleven and I went forward in my grandmother’s church, I prayed with the preacher and invited Jesus into my heart.” I peered at Caitlin. “So what’s the difference between God and Jesus anyway? In my grandmother’s church it was always ‘Jesus this’ and ‘Jesus that.’” To be honest, I’m not sure if I was just trying to distract her with this question or if I really wanted to know.

“I think of God and Jesus as one. I mean, God, in the role of the Father, did send Jesus to earth in the form of man so
He could die on the cross…and that’s how we get forgiveness. I assume you’ve heard all that before?”

“I’ve heard it. And when I was a kid, it sort of made sense. But after my grandmother died, well, nothing made sense.”

“I think you need to, invite Jesus into your heart again, Maya. Just so you can be sure.”

I took a deep breath, worried that she expected me to do this thing right there in the coffee shop. “I’ll think about it.”

“He’s knocking on the door of your heart,” she continued. “And I think when you prayed to Him on Sunday, you cracked that door open just a little. And that’s how His peace slipped in. And naturally it was a huge comfort. I think He was giving you a sample of what’s in store.”

“So if I do this, if I ask God into my heart again, you’re saying that peace will continue?”

“Oh, we all have trials and doubts and times when it feels like God has turned His back on us. But for the most part, that peace sticks around. Well, unless we turn our backs on God. Then I think He takes the peace away. Not to be mean, of course, but just to remind us that we need to return to Him to get it back. Does that make sense?”

“Maybe…”

The truth is, it makes perfect sense. I was the one who had turned my back on God. I walked away from Him because I felt He’d let me down. I wonder how things might’ve gone
differently if I hadn’t. And yet it’s too mind-boggling to go there. All I can deal with at the moment is now.

Anyway, Caitlin and I talked some more. She asked me some specific questions about my past as well as my plans for the future, and I tried to be honest. I think she was trying to determine if I needed some serious psychological care or not. But she didn’t make any recommendations. Although she did ask if I’d like to meet with her on a weekly basis.

“Why?” I asked, knowing that probably sounded rude.

But she just laughed. “Because I care about you, Maya. And I meet with some other girls. I used to meet with your cousin. I think it all started back when I was in high school and began meeting with Chloe.” Suddenly her eyes lit up. “Well, speak of the devil.” Then she winked at me. “She’s really an angel.” She waved to a dark-haired girl who was just coming into the coffee shop. The next thing I knew, Caitlin was introducing me to Chloe, explaining that I was Kim’s cousin.

“Chloe is not only my favorite sister-in-law—”

“You mean your only sister-in-law,” teased Chloe.

“But she’s also a rock star.” Caitlin beamed at her. “Did you guys just get back from tour?”

“Just in time for graduation.” Chloe fiddled with a silver stud that pierced her eyebrow. Now I’m not opposed to body piercing on other people, but it’s not really my thing.
“Oh, you’re that Chloe,” I said as I put together that this was the musician person Marissa and Spencer had talked about. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Yeah, I’ve got quite the reputation,” Chloe said.

“She’s our local celebrity,” Caitlin said, “along with her band.”

“And you’re Kim Peterson’s cousin?” Chloe said with a curious expression.

“Yeah, can’t you see the family resemblance?” I joked. She laughed.

“Are you guys going to play the Paradiso while you’re home?” asked Caitlin. Then the two of them explained how this was the very coffeehouse where Chloe got her first break as a musician.

“I was so scared that day,” Chloe said. And then they started talking about all that had happened since then and how the latest leg of the tour had gone. I was half listening and half thinking about what Caitlin had told me about asking God into my heart.

“Sorry, Maya,” Chloe said suddenly. “You must be bored with all this music biz.”

“No, not at all.” Then I lowered my voice. “In fact, it’s pretty familiar territory… My dad’s a musician too.”

“Really?” Chloe leaned forward, her brows lifted with interest. “Anyone we’d know?”

“Well, most people our age haven’t heard of him. And
I don’t really like talking about it, but his name is Nick Stark, and he was—”

“Nick Stark is your dad?” Chloe looked at Caitlin with wide eyes. “My mom is going to have a fit.”

“She’s a huge Nick Stark fan,” admitted Caitlin. “She actually wanted Josh and me to use one of his songs for our wedding.”

“But they didn’t,” added Chloe.

“No offense,” Caitlin said.

I laughed. “None taken. I doubt that I’d use one of my dad’s songs at my own wedding.” Then we all laughed.

“Well, I just came in to say hey and grab a mocha.” Chloe smiled at me. “Very cool to meet you, Maya Stark.” She turned to Caitlin now. “Hey, why don’t you invite us all for dinner so Mom can meet Nick Stark’s daughter?”

Caitlin looked at me. “Would you be willing? I mean, I understand you wanting your anonymity and everything.”

“Oh, come on,” urged Chloe. “I live with this stuff every day.”

“Sure,” I told them both. “Why not?”

After Chloe left, Caitlin reminded me of my promise to think about inviting God into my heart. “I’ll probably bug you about it now,” she said. “Just to see where you are with it. But don’t worry, I know it’s kind of a timing thing too. Just don’t put it off for too long.”

I told her I wouldn’t. And as it turned out, I was telling her the truth.

Shortly after Caitlin dropped me off at home, I went into my room and got down on my knees, and I asked Jesus to come into my heart. I wasn’t quite sure how to put the words, but I tried to do it the same way I had done it when I was eleven. And it wasn’t even that hard, because it was a prayer I’d heard the preacher say almost every single Sunday that I went to church with my grandma. Okay, I’m sure I might’ve missed something, but I think I got the gist of it. I asked Jesus back into my heart, and I asked Him to forgive me, and then I said, “Amen.” And when I was finished, it felt like it “took.” And the peace was back—stronger than ever.

Still, I’m not quite sure I want to tell anyone. Not just yet anyway. In case I was wrong and it didn’t take. I suppose that doesn’t sound very faithful, but it’s the truth.

I went with Uncle Allen to Kim’s graduation tonight. She was pretty nervous about the whole thing, which seemed silly to me. I mean, it was just a graduation. You walk across the stage, and the principal hands you a diploma. It couldn’t be as hard as modeling. But I had no idea that my cousin was the valedictorian. Wow. I was really impressed. Not just by the fact that she’d maintained a perfect GPA, but by her speech. It was so cool.

Of course, as I sat there with Uncle Allen, I felt a whole crazy, mixed-up mess of emotions. I mean, I really had to
admire Kim and what she’d accomplished. But at the same time, I felt seriously jealous. I knew I would never be able to do anything like that. Because when I considered how she’d been raised…her loving, supportive parents…and how vastly different it was from how I’d been raised, I got kind of mad about the unfairness of it all. But that was stupid. I felt proud that Kim was my cousin. Yet I felt sad that I wasn’t going to be part of this family after I got emancipated this summer and moved out. And at the same time I thought I should be thankful that I had gotten to live with them at all.

On top of everything else, as Kim talked about her friends and school and fun memories, I began to question myself—whether I might need to keep going to high school too.

I’d recently been thinking that with my GED and emancipation, I might get an apartment and a job and start taking college classes next year. Mrs. King told me that was a real possibility if my SAT scores were as high as she expected them to be. But suddenly I’m not sure I really want that. Part of me wants to be like Kim, with friends like she has, just going to high school and living my life. Anyway, the whole time I was sitting there for Kim’s graduation, I felt like I was stuck in this weird emotional Ping-Pong game. Back and forth, back and forth. Even now I’m confused.

I went to youth group with Kim tonight. And when it was sharing time, I stood up and made a “public confession.” I’d already told Caitlin when we met for the second time just yesterday. Then I told Kim on our way to youth group. But I decided it was time to let my little cat out of the bag in a big way. So I announced to everyone in the room that I’d invited God into my heart and that from now on I wanted to live my life for Him.

“Okay,” I admitted, “I don’t know what that means exactly. But I’m sure I’ll find out over time.”

They all clapped and congratulated me. And during the fellowship time, Dominic came over and gave me a big hug. That was pretty cool.

“And the thing is,” Josh said as he shook my hand, “you don’t walk your faith alone, Maya. It’s like you’re part of this great big, happy family now.”

“Yes,” Caitlin said. “Although sometimes we can be a slightly dysfunctional family too. But that’s part of the fun, right?”

“That’s right,” Kim said. “We have to learn to get along and forgive each other and all kinds of good stuff.”

And so, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m really part of a family again. And okay, I’m not stupid. I realize that some of these people might let me down from time to time. I mean, they are only human. But at the same time, I realize that with God as my Father…well, I think I can make it.

Ironically, I have filled up this whole journal, and when I reread the first sentence of my first entry (written more than a year ago), I had to laugh. Because I was wrong. Totally wrong. For starters, I thought life was unfair. And okay, it can seem unfair—but that’s without God. I think that God must somehow even things out. Or at least that’s what I’m hoping. And that brings me to the second thing—I was so hopeless and certain that things were only going to get worse. And yes, they did get worse for me. But again that was without God. With God, I am feeling confident that things are only going to get better.

Do I have all the answers now? Like where will I live next year? Or will I still get my emancipation? Or will I continue going to Harrison High? I can’t really say right now. But I do believe that God has the answers. And I do believe that not only is He going to show me, but He’s going to walk with me—every step of the way. And it’s going to be good!

1. Maya started out this book feeling lost and hopeless. Have you ever felt like that? Describe what made you feel that way and how you handled it.
   

2. Were you surprised to learn that Maya was vegan? Why do you think she made this decision?
   

3. Why do you think Maya felt so compromised when she started working in the fashion industry? Have you ever felt compromised like that? Explain.
   

4. Maya’s relationship with Shannon wasn’t exactly typical. How is it similar to or different from your relationship with your mother or guardian?
   

5. If you could’ve talked to Shannon, what would you have told her?
   

6. Maya seemed to accept her dad’s commitment to his career. How did you feel about it? What would you have told him?
   

7. What did you think about Maya’s emancipation plan? Do you think it was right? wrong? Why?
   

8. Were you surprised that Shannon returned to using drugs? Why or why not?
   

9. What do you think Maya’s relationship with Shannon should be like now that Shannon is in prison?
   

10. Maya has a big decision to make about whether to live on her own and go to college or to continue high school. What would you advise her to do?
    

11. How did you feel when Maya finally committed her life to God? Have you made a similar commitment? Describe how your life has changed since then.