A Plague on All Houses (13 page)

“We thought it would be safe to try to reach one of the bathrooms, get some water. We were so thirsty…” She swallowed. It looked like it hurt. “We made it to the men's room, but there were more of those things inside. They grabbed Professor Gough before he could even scream. He screamed plenty after that, though. I could hear him even through the walls.” She shook her head as if trying to dislodge the memory. “When I backed out of the men's room, those things were just … just flooding the halls again. Ian's screams … they heard him. This”—she gestured towards the closet—”was the closest door.”

I shone my flashlight beam at the closet door. Sure enough, there was a deadbolt on the inside. “Why would anyone put a deadbolt on the inside of a storage closet?” I asked no one in particular.

The woman gave a faint laugh, surprising me. “We had a janitor who liked to take a tipple once in a while during his shifts, so he installed deadbolts on the inside of a few closets around campus so he wouldn't be disturbed. People would just assume the door was locked from the outside.” She reached out and fingered the bolt almost lovingly. “He was eventually fired, but the administration never got around to removing the deadbolts. Lucky thing, that.”

“That's an understatement.” How many more people might still be alive because of an alcoholic janitor? It was, if you'll excuse the pun, a sobering thought. “What's your name?”

She took a deep shuddering breath before responding. “Jan Blandsford.”

“Jan, I'm Ashley. And we're going to need to get you out of here to safety. Can you run?”

Another deep breath, this one determined. “Yes. Yes, I believe I can.” She took another step forward and skidded on a piece of, well, some body part or another.

“Here, let me help you.” Gabriel stepped forward and put an arm around her to help her navigate through the mess.

“Thank you,” she said again, this time with what I could swear was a slight note of coquettishness to her voice. Gabriel might not have been a Wild Card, but he sure had his own variety of amazing super powers. Life-or-death situation, ma'am? Just look into my gorgeous blue eyes and you'll forget
all
about it.

Gabriel looked back at me over one shoulder and I rolled my eyes at him. His mouth quirked up in a small, self-aware grin. Oh well, at least he was using his powers for good instead of evil.

Lily dashed back along the hallway, pickaxe dripping with gore. She skidded to a halt next to us. “Found some in the men's room,” she said, only a little out of breath. “A couple more in a few of the classrooms.” She hefted her axe with a satisfied grin. “I took care of them.”

Gabriel nodded. “Good job. Let's find Kai and get out of here.”

Kai appeared around the corner of the opposite end of the hallway, the pronged end of his crowbar as gore-encrusted as Lily's weapon. He grinned at us. “Did I hear my name?”

Jan lifted a hand and smoothed a stray strand of hair out of her face. Obviously Kai had the same superpower as Gabriel, but I doubt he'd paid attention to the bit about “with great powers comes great responsibility.”

“Everything clear down there?”

“Yup.” Kai smacked his crowbar against his open palm. “Not a lot of Z action, but what there was is permanently out for the count.”

Jan screamed as a lone female zombie staggered out from a doorway behind him, clawed hands clutching at his back and shoulders, black fluid running out of its mouth as its jaws gaped open. Kai gave a high-pitched yelp and whirled around, smashing the thing over the head once, twice, then a third time with his crowbar. There was an audible
crack
on the third hit as the thing's skull shattered under the impact and it went down to the floor. Kai lifted the crowbar above his head like a spear and thrust the pointy end into the zombie's head. “Except for that one. Now we can go.”

Lil and I looked at each other as Kai turned to walk away, two minds with the same thought: payback. We both smacked him on his undeniably nice ass as hard as we could. He raised an eyebrow and grinned. “Why, thank you, ladies. Normally I have to pay for that kind of action.”

“Hey, Kai?”

“Yeah, Ashley?”

I smiled at him. “You scream like a girl.”

After what seemed like hours later, we made it back to DBP Hall, exhausted, covered in layers of the nastiest stuff imaginable, and totally exhilarated. I ached in muscles I didn't even know I had, but we'd done it, completed our first mission without any casualties or significant injuries. Just a few bruises here and there, and a chipped tooth on Kai's part. Gabriel looked crappy again, his skin pale and running with sweat, but he seemed to be okay. We hadn't run into Team B, but Gabriel got confirmation via walkie-talkie that they'd completed their sweep and headed back to DBP themselves.

“Well done,” said Simone as we staggered through the front doors.

Colonel Paxton beamed at us as best as his permanent tragedy mask of a face would allow. “How many zeds do you think are still in the campus itself?”

“Hard to say, sir,” said Gabriel. “We'll need to go out tomorrow and clear the buildings. I figure we can take the buildings two at a time, one per team, open the main points of entry, and lure out as many as we can outside for easy dispatching before doing a room-by-room check for zoms and survivors.”

Paxton nodded. “Excellent. B Team came back an hour ago with several survivors. Unfortunately some were bitten, but two were uninjured. I see you have a survivor as well?”

Kai had his arm around a now nearly comatose Jan Blandsford. She'd done her best to keep up with us on the rest of our sweep, the four of us doing
our
best to shield her from any harm, but three days without any real food or water had taken their toll.

Simone immediately stepped forward when she saw our rescue-ee, now being supported by Kai. “Professor Blandsford!”

Jan's eyes widened with recognition when she saw Simone. “Professor Fraser? You're alive too?” She started quietly weeping as Simone enfolded her in a reassuring hug.

“You're safe now,” said Simone. “I'm going to have Jamie here”—Jamie, never more than a few feet away from her idol, stepped forward—”take you to get a checkout by Dr. Albert. You remember Dr. Albert, don't you? Then you can get a shower and a hot meal.”

“Oh Lord, a shower…” Jan started crying even harder. “I never thought I'd take another shower again.”

She continued weeping as Simone handed her off to Jamie, who led her off towards the stairs.

I sidled up to Simone. “They're not taking her to the med ward, are they?”

“Oh good god, no.” Simone sounded aghast at the idea. “Dr. Albert will check her over to make sure there's no possibility of infection. If she's clear, she'll be given a room. If not, well, we'll sedate her before taking her to the med ward.”

I shuddered. I wouldn't wish waking up in that hellhole on my worst enemy. Except maybe Colonel Heald.

We went to shed our unimaginably filthy clothing into hazardous waste containers and get hosed down with some sort of disinfectant that smelled like Lysol wielded by our Hazmat-suited pals in a jerry-rigged bathroom before finally going back to our rooms wrapped in towels to take normal hot showers with shampoo and soap.

Lil and I thumb-wrestled for first dibs on the bathroom and I won. “Not fair,” she grumbled. “My thumbs are longer than yours. I should have won.”

“T'ain't the length, it's the dexterity.”

Lil stuck her tongue out at me as I shut the bathroom door, anxious to smell like something other than zombie goo or kitchen cleaner.

Hot water never felt so good. But I took pity on my poor filthy teammate and made it a quick shower. Swiping my underarms with deodorant, I quickly put on a little moisturizer and lip balm, slathered my body with lotion, wrapped a towel around myself, and vacated the bathroom so Lily could enjoy herself too.

It would have been to have something nice to wear, but my wardrobe choices were limited to yoga pants, T-shirts, tank tops, sweats, and long-sleeved olive drab thermals. I had another set of combat wear, but I'd had enough of that for the night, even if it did look kind of ginchy. Yoga pants and a thermal top won.

I would have thought I'd immediately collapse in bed and fall asleep, but I was wide awake and ravenous. I sat on the bed for a few minutes, listening to the sound of Lily humming show tunes slightly off-key over the sound of the running water as she enjoyed a long soak. Next time I'd throw the damn thumb-wrestling match.

After five minutes or so of humming and an amazingly loud series of protesting growls from my empty stomach, I knocked on the bathroom door, opened it a crack, and yelled, “Lily, I'm going to the cafeteria. See you there?”

She stopped humming. “Okay!” The humming started right up again. I'd have to look into earplugs if we were going to share a room for any length of time. Maybe she only hummed after a successful bout of bloodthirsty zombie killing. Which, considering the circumstances, could be a daily occurrence. Definitely earplugs.

The cafeteria was empty except for the Wild Cards of Team B, who were all seated and chowing down on what looked like steak dinners complete with salad, corn on the cob slathered in butter, and hot rolls. I could see steam rising from the bread basket on the table. And were those bottles of beer and wine I saw before me?

Oh, yummy.

No one else from my team was there yet. Probably enjoying nice long showers. Simone, Jamie, and Colonel Paxton were noticeably absent too, probably all sensibly asleep. Of course, they hadn't worked up hellacious appetites.

Tony saw me first and waved his fork in the air, sending a piece of steak flying off to the side, missing Captain Gentry by scant inches. “Hey, Ashley!”

The rest of the team looked up and saw me. Mack toasted me with a glass of red wine and Captain Gentry wiggled an ear of corn by way of hello. Kaitlyn went back to her meal without acknowledging my presence. You'd have thought all of this zombie-killing and life-risking and stuff would have given her an attitude adjustment, but no such luck. I almost asked what crawled up her butt and died, but decided I really didn't want to know.

I waved back to those who gave a shit, loaded up a tray with food, and took a seat near the end of the table—close enough to be sociable, but leaving room for anyone else who might want to sit next to me. Like Lil or Kai, or maybe Gabriel.

“How'd it go?” Tony grinned at me, a Band-Aid over one eyebrow.

“Good,” I said. “Still alive.”

“Cool.” Tony grabbed a bottle of Dos Equis and took a swig. Guess the legal drinking age didn't apply tonight. Fair enough. As far as I was concerned if Tony was old enough to kill zombies for our country, he was old enough to enjoy a cold beer.

“What happened to you?” I gestured to the Band-Aid.

Tony turned red, took another swig of beer and muttered something that sounded like “Dumbfuckzombippedabarbul.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You don't say.”

Mack chuckled. “What he's trying to say is a zombie got up close and personal with one of his piercings. Guess it liked bright and shiny things.”

“Yeah, well.” Tony drowned his mortification with more beer after shooting Mack a pissy glare.

I downed a bottle of water in three long gulps, then poured myself a glass of wine, a Napa Reserve cabernet. Matt would have approved. I took a dainty bite of steak (okay, I ripped into it like a starving tiger) and followed it with a sip of wine. Pure bliss. Guess it doesn't always suck to be a Wild Card.

For the next few minutes I ignored everything and everyone to focus entirely eating. The hot rolls were probably just Brown ‘n’ Serve with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter or something similar, but I'm here to tell you home-baked bread and freshly churned butter have never tasted so good. Something about facing death combined with vigorous physical activity really stimulated the appetite. Zombie killing makes the best sauce? Never mind.

I was nearly through my first steak and contemplating a second one when someone sat down next to me on the left. I didn't have to look to know it was Gabriel; that side of my body suddenly went on hyper alert, all warm and tingly. Besides I saw Lily and Kai heading towards the table from the other side of the cafeteria so I thought it was a safe bet. I smiled briefly at him, noticing that he looked much better again, and focused on my food again during the hullabaloo of greetings from everyone else and then Lily and Kai's arrival. Kai plopped himself down in between Tony and Captain Gentry, and Lily sat on my right, setting down a copy of
Zombie Combat Manual
next to her plate.

“More homework?” I asked.

Lily nodded. “I wanted to compare some of his combat techniques with what we actually did out there.” She opened the book with one hand and picked up an ear of corn with the other, thoughtfully munching as she flipped through pages.

“Hey,” said Gabriel, under cover of the babbling going on around us. Amazing how much awkwardness could be conveyed in one syllable.

“Hey yourself,” I replied, going for three times as much awkwardness.

“Enjoying the food?” He pointed unnecessarily at the little slice of medium rare meat left on my plate.

I nodded. “Maybe it's just ‘cause I was starving, but I don't think I've ever tasted anything so good.” I took another sip of wine. “I mean, if you like this sort of thing.” Okay, so I sounded just a
wee
bit defensive.

Gabriel gave a half smile. “Don't worry, Ashley, I'm not going lecture you on the evils of red meat after you've been through.”

“Glad those zombies are good for something.” There was no malice in my tone. Although just maybe, I was flirting a little.

I checked out his plate, piled high with baked potatoes, salad, rolls, and corn. “No offense, but where are you getting your protein from? Seems like you'd need some after … well, after everything.”

“Normally I have cheese, or something made from soy, like tofu.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Tofu just doesn't do it for me. It's all white and wriggly and kinda weird.”

“Depends on how you prepare it.” Gabriel poured himself a glass of wine. “Ever had a tofu hot dog?”

I shook my head. “I've always equated it with non-alcoholic beer. I'd rather have the real thing.”

“Don't knock it until you've tried it.”

I noticed something red sticking out from under a pile of salad on his plate, something that looked suspiciously like a small piece of exceptionally rare steak.

Gabriel looked down where I was pointing and frowned. “Doctor's orders,” he said without any of the warmth he'd shown previously. I could tell he was deeply embarrassed by being caught out like this. Why else would he have hidden it under the lettuce?

A week ago I'd have read him the riot act and called him on his previous self-righteousness six ways from Sunday, but not now. “No tofu, huh?” I kept any judgment or hint of teasing out of my voice and grabbed another roll from the basket in front of us. “God, I love bread and butter. Does being a Wild Card mean I can eat as much butter as I want without getting fat?”

I felt rather than saw Gabriel relax. “Only if you continue to work out the way you have been.”

“So once the zombocalypse is over and I'm not training, it's fat city, huh?”

Before Gabriel could respond, Captain Gentry started laughing from across the table. “Zombocalypse. Is that what you call this?”

I shrugged. “Makes it sound kind of cute and manageable, doncha think?”

“I think it's cool,” said Tony eagerly, all beer- and puppy crush-induced enthusiasm.

“Of course you do, bro.” Kai patted him condescendingly on the shoulder. “As do I, and
not
just because the lovely Ashley came up with it. Although she gives it extra cool points.”

Kaitlyn sniffed. “Trust Ashley to trivialize something so horrifically serious.”

And trust Kaitlyn to take any opportunity to be a bitch and score points off me, even during a celebration.
Deep breaths,
I told myself, not wanting to escalate things. Now I knew why I'd taken all those yoga classes.

I felt Gabriel tense up beside me. So imagine my surprise when Lily snapped, “Back off, Kaitlyn. Just because you don't have a sense of humor doesn't give you the right to be a bitch to someone who does.”

Kaitlyn looked as though a big-eyed, velvet-painting kitten had just bitten her. It was enough to shut her up and let the rest of us enjoy ourselves. I noticed she was the only one not indulging in beer or wine.

“So if we can't have cool team names, what about nicknames?” Tony suddenly declared, although whether by design in order to diffuse the tension or in a spectacular unawareness of same I did not know. “All the soldiers in the movies have cool nicknames like Doughboy or Sumo or Chopstick or Matador.”

“You can be Ash,” said Kai said to me.

“Wow, original,” I said.

“Like for Ash in the Evil Dead movies.”

“My point remains the same,” I said.

Tony waved a hand. “Killer Barbie?”

I shot Tony the look he deserved. “I'll take Ash, thanks.”

Kai grinned. “And Tony has gotta be Joystick.”

“Aww, jeez, it makes me sound like a vibrating dildo,” Tony said in disgust.

Kai shrugged. “If the shoe fits.”

Captain Gentry leaned back in his chair and grinned. “I ain't saying a word.”

“How about X-Box?” said Lil.

Tony considered it. “Better than Joystick.”

“Wii would work too,” smirked Kai, ducking before Tony could put him in a headlock.

“Mack can be Postman,” I said. “The movie sucked, but Kevin Costner makes a good action hero.”

Mack nodded his approval. “At least I'll remember that one.”

“I'll be Ladies’ Man,” said Kai.

“You can be Ladies’
Room,”
Tony shot back. Maturity points were dropping rapidly.

“Even better,” I said, “Lando.”

Kai looked at me appreciatively. “Gorgeous and geeky. Gotta love it. Lando it is.”

Was it my imagination or did Gabriel tense up again?

Kai and Tony turned their attention on Kaitlyn. She scowled back. “Don't even think about it.”

“What about me?” Lily said eagerly.

“Cutie Bunny?” Kai suggested. Lily punched him on the arm. “Ouch!” He rubbed his arm. “Okay, not so cute.”

“Gremlin?” Tony made sure to move out of Lily's range. She chucked her copy of
Zombie Combat Manual
at his head, which he barely ducked in time. “It is just so wrong to use this book against a fellow Wild Card.”