A Project Chick (35 page)

When Taj was taken away, I was given Wiggles. My mother
was removed out of my life so many years ago, and then
eventually, I lost her permanently, but now I have been
blessed with Indie's mother, Beulah, who has embraced me,
as one of her own. Although, she can never replace my
mother or Indie, her being here with me makes me feel close
to both of them.

Tressa really took Indie's death hard. The pain for her was escheating. Not only was she experiencing being hurt mentally, but she hurt psychically. The chest pains would never stop, not to mention the constant pain in her 235

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heart, it was like a knife stabbing through it. She started getting puffy eyes from crying too much, then the puffy eyes turned to bags under her eyes, because of her lack of sleep.

Falling to sleep was hard for her because she often dreamed about Indie, and the dreams would be so true that when she woke up, looked on his side of the bed, and saw he wasn't there. She'd tell herself that he must have gotten up to use the bathroom or maybe was in the kitchen. It was taking him to long to come back to bed, so she would get up and search the house. Then reality sinks in, and she realizes Indie is dead and never coming back. So she start sleeping in short spurts, so she wouldn't or couldn't dream but sometimes from being so fatigued, she'd fall off into a deep sleep and feel like she's hugging him, but it's just the pillow. So, she stopped sleeping with any pillows at all.

Tressa began wondering should she move out of the house and start over. Then she couldn't, because the memories of him are very much there and an important part of her life.

Anything could trigger her depression. Every little thing reminded her of Indie, she'd hear one of the raggae songs, or any song for that matter, that Indie listened to.

Sometimes when it was 7:00, usually the time Indie got home, she'd keep looking out of the window, hoping he'd come. He never came and it was always a constant disappointment when he didn't. She'd feel the wind blowing a certain way, she wondered if it was him coming to visit.

When his birthday came, she'd wondered what he would've looked like, and what they would have done.

Tressa even contemplated suicide.
Will this pain
ever go away? Maybe I should take my own life, but will I go
to heaven or hell? If I go to hell, then I won't be there with
him. What would my children do? Am I even any good to them
right now? I can't take my life, because I have them to live for.

Tressa started questioning her religious beliefs,
God,
why did you take him,
was always a question that she seemed to ask God everyday. Then it came to the point where she was bargaining with God.
God, please I will give
up everything for you to bring him back. God, I will give up
this house and move to the projects. Just anything, just bring
him back God. God, why can't I be happy? God, why did
you even bring him into my life, if you were going to take him
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away? God, if this is your will, please send me some answers
why?

Then there was Missy, Tressa's only friend, she tried to be there for Tressa, but there was no way she could possibly understand the heartache Tressa was going through. She became withdrawn from Missy. At times, she got angry with Missy because she had a man.

Everybody told her she had to let go, so she started keeping it a secret when she would visit Indie's gravesite.

Truthfully, the grave was the only place she felt close to Indie. She'd feel guilty when she had to leave.

Every decision that had to be made, she second guessed herself, and the questions that she always asked herself was, "what would Indie do if he was here? What would he want me to do? Am I doing the right thing?" Tressa still had the kids to think about, what would she tell them. She had to be strong for them, of course they didn't understand what death meant. She had never experienced anything, like this, so she didn't know what to say, and she didn't want to say the wrong thing to get to the children all upset too.

To try to lift herself up, she'd try to focus on everything, but herself. For a few hours it would work, but then in the middle of the day and the phone would ring, and it wasn't Indie. The pain would start all over again.

She'd run into the bathroom and burst into tears. Once she was all cried out, she'd pat water on her face to try to pull herself together.

Then there was the hate for Lucky, she wished every type of accident could happen to him. It actually scared her when she thought of the things she'd do to him, and would not have one ounce of remorse for him, if she ever got the opportunity. There was not a day that went by when she thought about simply turning in the evidence to the police that she had in the safe deposit box from the murders of Peako and the girl. The only thing that kept her from turning it in is that she didn't want to betray her brother and go against the grain, but a few things she came to grips with. He will have to understand my position. She knew it was no turning back at this point, she didn't want any of the money that crime stoppers paid, she just wanted the 237

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satisfaction of getting Lucky out of her life so he wouldn't hurt anyone else she dearly loved.

Tressa got a letter from her brother telling her that he was going to be released. Although she considered it good news, she knew that all hell was about to break loose.

Anticipating his immediate release kind of lifted her out of her depression a little. Tressa had been looking forward to this day she had been saving, preparing for his arrival.

Although she gave her brother five hundred dollars so he could buy himself a couple of things and hoped the money would hold him over until he was able to get himself a job.

It wasn't good enough, he simply told her, "If you have been out here ten years and all you got is $500.00 to give me, then you need it more than me."

This hurt her like a sharp knife because her brother wasn't even the brother that she knew. He had become so bitter, acting as if the world owed him for the ten years he was locked away from society. The same day he was released, she found out her brother was on the same corner he got busted on slinging drugs. When she heard the rumor, she went to look for Taj, she had to see it with her own eyes. Tressa found out the rumors couldn't be any more true, she had hoped they were false. He was selling drugs, which was a hard pill to swallow, because she knew that he too would be snatched away from her again and thrown back into jail. Regardless of the fact that he was selling drugs, he was still her brother and practically her only family. She vowed that she'd be there for him, but at the same time, she couldn't get used to the idea of him being on the street.

It didn't take Taj long to get his money and was right back. Once his money was right, Taj had become so flamboyant with trying to play "catch-up", after being gone for so long, he didn't realize that times had changed.

He had girls lined up from coast to coast. Women had never been a problem for him. The saying, "the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice", must have been made especially for Taj. Taj was a fine, downtown brown complexioned brother with full lips. His hair had permanent waves in it, which were embedded by a prison wave cap. His physique was something to write home about, the 500 sit-ups and pushups had paid off. The 238

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reaction from the women went straight to his head. It's sad to say, he didn't realize the things he could do in the late 1980's, he couldn't do in 2001. He had to learn the hard way, when he had to call upon his sister to do his dirty work.

"Hey Sugar, I need you to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription."

"What's wrong with you?"

"Some chick got me, my dick is dripping like running water. It's killing me. I got a prescription at CVS, but I'm too embarrassed to show my face in there to go get it. I'll pay you to go get it." He said, pleading.

"What is wrong with you sticking your damn dick in any and everything?" Tressa asked, while hitting him on the arm like a mother scolding her son.

"Look, I'm just trying to make me some babies, that's all. You know I want kids more than anything." Taj told Tressa and she understood totally.

"Damn, can you find you a nice girlfriend or a wife first? Shoot, I shouldn't go get nothing. You better be lucky I have to get some personal items." She said, snatching the money for Taj's prescription.

She went to get his prescription, but then her depression started back up, on the way over to the pharmacy. She thought about how this time, it was just something that could be healed with some penicillin, but next time, would it be AIDS. Would her brother to be taken away from her too?

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-29-

Momma's Baby, Papa's Maybe

Taj was out of control spending his money. His famous motto was "Ball until you fall". News had traveled all around town that Taj was "the man" and he was getting money out of control. Taj was so consumed with counting and spending his money, that he sidetracked and missed his appointment with his probation officer. Today was the third appointment that she had rescheduled for him. He knew he had to be there in an hour, but he had just gotten the strangest phone call from a chick he used to mess with back in the day, requesting to see him. She was a straight skeezer back then, scheming on his money. He screwed her when Wiggles was on her period. He was pretty sure that she only wanted to get back on the bandwagon again and rekindle the old flame. He told her his location and she stopped by.

At first, they talked a little small talk, until Taj wanted to cut to the chase. "Look, what you need to holler at me about? I got somewhere I got to be and, straight up, if you ain't trying to give up no ass, you are wasting my damn time. Now, you dropping them drawers or what?" At that very moment is when she dumped some mind-blowing news in his lap.

"Look Taj, I know this may come as a shock to you, but we have a son together."

"What?" Taj said laughing, but was all ears.

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"No, Taj I am serious, dead serious."

"And how is that? I remember you had kids by the Old Head, the dead dude and then the professional football player. So where do I fit in?"

"Look, if you remember correctly, we was together like a week before you got locked up. When I found I was pregnant, I heard you were going to be gone for a long time.

I had met Merk and he had just got a million dollar deal, so he automatically assumed it was his." Taj was silent as a lamb and left speechless. He listened attentively as she continued. "Taj, believe me, Merk has taken care of Lil Merk so good for so many years and..."

Taj interrupted, "You mean to tell me, that for twelve years, you kept my son from me?"

"Yes. I thought it was the best thing for the baby."

"You thought lying to me about my son for twelve years was the best thing." Taj raised his voice, as he asked Gypsy. She was too afraid to utter a word to answer Taj.

"You mean to fucking tell me, all this time, I've been wanting a child and I had one."

"Well, you got one now." Gypsy spoke up, and said with no shame.

"Bitch, you are acting like you are giving me a pair of shoes or something, we are talking about a person here!" Taj screamed, almost spitting on Gypsy, he was so close to her face. "So all this time, I have missed twelve years of this boy's life, because you felt it was best, or is it, because you are greedy as hell?"

Gypsy didn't answer him. "Answer me!" He continued to holler at her. He was furious and so close to loosing it.

Gypsy said with tears in her eyes, "You can catch up from now on. As a matter of fact, you should be glad I found a father for him. Had you stayed out here, you would have known, but instead you left me for dead. You left all the money with that junkie ass bitch Wiggles."

"Clap!" Was the loud noise that sounded when he smacked the cowboy shit out of Gypsy. He hit her so hard she stumbled and hit the floor. Taj went into a trance out of the hurt and frustration. A child was all he desired, and this low-life gold digging chicken head concealed his son 242

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from him. It was bad enough that she named his son after another dude knowing that he wasn't the father. Then she had the nerve to insult his soul mate, Wiggles, God Bless the dead! Now, she brought it all on herself and she was about to get it.