A Royal Affair (19 page)

I
DID
not know the next day if Aleksey remembered his request for me to kiss him, or that I had actually done it. He gave no indication that he did, and I could not read him at all. I have some legitimate excuse for this, because he was not himself for many days. He was in considerable pain, despite the tight wrap of bandages I had supplied under his shirt and the laudanum I allowed him to take each morning and night. He
had
to ride; there was nothing else I could do.

We had our first major argument over laudanum. I do not count the brothel incident, for I was the only one arguing there. I had used laudanum before with patients and was very well aware how it seemed to take over a man’s mind in the way alcohol could. We had one such officer, a Lieutenant Colonel Rohanus, riding with us. To all intents and purposes, he was a good soldier, and during the day he rode and worked as well as anyone. But when evening came, he changed. At first, as the wineskin emptied, he was entertaining and charming, but very soon this turned to combativeness. Arguments ensued. He wanted to fight with everyone. Johan once banned him from the wine cellar, but this had been worse. Rohanus had almost killed a young soldier who challenged him on sentry duty one night. It seemed better to let him drink. By the time he came to be on the march with us, he would often take himself off for a day or two after such a binge to recover privately. It was a terrible situation, but Aleksey did not want to have to do the inevitable.

Wine, though, was nothing to laudanum in its power to corrupt all men. I only allowed tiny amounts to Aleksey and only to get him up onto his horse in the morning and to sleep at night, despite how he always demanded more. I had heard of a case where an overdose of the opiate had caused a man a premature appearance of death: he had been as a corpse for many days until he had revived in his own coffin. I did not know the end of the tale and wondered how it could be true, for who knew he had revived? I thought the story apocryphal but nevertheless heeded its essential truth. Aleksey needed his own body to take over control of the pain, so on the fourth night I cut him off completely.

At first Aleksey thought it was a joke, and he eased his boots off, chuckling at my warped sense of humor. I felt very bad for him. He was still in considerable pain, but I knew the pain would be worse down the road if I allowed the drug to take him. He finally got the message that I was not going to give him what he wanted. He stood up and made his own way to my supplies. He was a prince; he was the head of the army. If he wanted something he was accustomed to getting it. I had anticipated this and let him rummage, unconcerned. He rounded on me, furious. “Don’t do this, Niko.
Where is it
?”

“You can be as angry as you want. You won’t find it. It’s for your own good.”

“It hurts!”

“I know it does.” Cautiously, I went closer and took his arm. Very gently, I eased him into a hug. “I know it does, but if you cover up that pain with such sweet escape, you will risk doing more damage because you cannot feel it. The pain is your body telling you to love it a little more.”

I felt his good arm slide around my back. He pressed his hips further against mine and whispered into my neck, “Give it to me, Niko.
Please
. Just tonight and I’ll never ask again, I
promise
. Just tonight.”

I began to shake my head, but he pressed his lips clumsily against my cheek. “Please. I will love my body and
you
if you give it to me.” His hand had found its way under my shirt to the warm skin at the base of my spine.

“Don’t do this, Aleksey. It’s beneath you.” I shivered as his hand began to slide downward. “
Stop it
!”

He stood back, his face flushed with thwarted will. “How
dare
you! You were only too glad to kiss me when it suited you!”

“Aleksey—”

“It’s His Royal Highness Prince Christian, Doctor—or
General
.” His voice had become icy. “Only my
friends
call me Aleksey.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “And this is supposed to persuade me that the laudanum has not done you any harm?”

He poked my chest. “I don’t care what you think, Doctor.” He went back to his cot and tried to get his boots on unaided. He could not.

“Do you want my help?” He was clearly torn but nodded stiffly. I helped him dress, keeping my eyes locked with his, trying to embarrass him into better behavior, but he was having none of it. He walked out unsteadily and headed toward the mess tent. He was probably going to get drunk. I sighed; tomorrow he would feel awful everywhere.

I
NEVER
found out whether Aleksey drowned his sorrows in wine; I did not see him again for many days or nights. He took himself off to another tent. He did not ride with me, and he did not eat with the officers or hold his daily orders. It was as if he left my tent and disappeared from this earthly realm. I was in the right, but that hardly made me feel any better. Not only was I concerned for our progress to war—after all, we were less than a fortnight from our destination—but I missed him bitterly. He was my only real friend on the march, the one I looked for, the one I waited for. He was the one I longed for with an ache that never went away. I would have thought it easier to survive my unrequited love away from him, without seeing him all the time so close and yet so beyond my reach, but it was not. I have heard of rare cases where men have learned to control their use of laudanum, using it every day in tiny amounts rather than not use it at all. Aleksey was my laudanum. I needed him in tiny amounts to get through the pain of needing him completely. Without my little daily dose, I began to think about the pain relief I could give myself. I had hidden the drug from Aleksey, but… I knew where it was…. Just a few drops and I could sleep. A few drops more and I could ride without my eyes tearing as they searched for the slim, dark-haired figure I could not see.

I was contemplating this solution one evening as we rode the last hour before coming to camp, when I sensed someone rein in alongside me. I knew who it was, of course. I ignored him. It was the only way I could appear in control of myself. I kicked Xavier lightly, so I was ahead. He pulled alongside once more. “You are not a very caring doctor, Doctor. You have not asked how I am.”

“How are you?”

“Much better. Thank you for asking. How are you?”

“I was not sick.”

“How are you in general, then? I am making polite conversation until you unclench your jaw and talk to me again.”

He would have a long wait.

He watched my expression. “No? Well then. It has been rather cold recently, has it not? It was frosty yesterday and then, goodness, frosty again today. I believe we will have snow soon. Is snow not the very devil when you—”

“Stop it. You are not funny.”

“That must be why you are not smiling.”

“Leave me alone,
Your Highness
.”

He stayed by my side, though, riding silently, occasionally casting me glances, mostly looking down at his horse and idly twisting little curls into her mane. “I don’t really see why I should apologize, Niko. I was sick, and I did not know what I was saying. But if it is what you want to hear, then I’m sorry.”

I twisted in my saddle so I could make my point more forcibly. “I am not angry about your foolishness over the laudanum. I have had patients offer me
far
more tempting things than you to have a few drops more. I am angry because you did not consider that as your
doctor
I would be worried at not seeing you for nearly five days!”

“Four.”

“
Five
. I have been counting.”

He was silent at this and then sighed theatrically, as was his way. I saw whom Stephen took after; they were cut from the same cloth. “I have been riding in a wagon. There, are you satisfied? I have been entirely unmanned, but I was not going to let anyone see me so. I requisitioned a wagon and have been towed along like an old wounded soldier. Are you happy?”

“Why should it make me happy that you did this but did not think to tell me! I could have—”

“Oh, what? Come and laid your hands on me again? Damn, you, Niko. You are so… stupid!” He kicked his horse and took off up the line toward the camp.

That night he held his first orders group since he had taken himself off to recover. Everyone was very glad to see him. He stilled the general chitchat quickly and listened to the updates. He even asked me politely for mine, as he had not had the benefit of our usual conversations.

I waited for him to return to our tent, rehearsing things I might say, one minute planning an apology and the next angry words to vent my feelings. I heard footsteps, stood, stared at the tent flap, and Colonel Johan pushed in. “What clothes do you have, Doctor, other than your uniform?”

“What?”

“Clothes? For riding? Out of uniform?”

“I—am I going somewhere?”

“Clearly, or I would not be here asking you this.” He had spied a valise and was rummaging in it. He pulled out a shirt, threw it to me, and then found a coat, and that followed the shirt. “Quick. Put them on and come with me.”

“What is happening?” Had I been… dismissed? I could see from his expression that I would get nothing further from him, so I did as he commanded and removed my uniform jacket and shirt and donned the ones I had worn to Hesse-Davia.

“Do you have any weapons, Doctor? You seem poorly armed.”

I wanted to retort that I was a doctor not a solider but held my tongue and went to my medical box. I pulled up the top layer and set it to one side. Beneath was a collection of knives. They were of the finest quality steel. I carried the largest in my boot at all times, but the others I had left off wearing, as a general rule, once I had settled in England. Now I stowed them around my person, and my warm body welcomed their cold steel like old friends. I could see from his expression that he had not expected this. I wondered if Aleksey had told him of the night I had demonstrated my knife-fighting prowess. Probably—he seemed to tell him everything else. I was still fighting my intense jealousy of Johan. I
wanted
Johan to be Aleksey’s father, but occasionally I reverted to my more base assumption that they were lovers. All I knew was that I felt almost sick with repressed tension every time I saw this scarred man. I desperately wanted to ask him if Aleksey had ordered this dismissal or whether he, the colonel, had taken it upon himself to rid the prince of my presence for good, seeing as I seemed to do nothing but make his precious Aleksey angry.

I had a feeling Johan had answered that question at last—
can he be trusted
—and that the answer was not favorable.

We marched through the silent, dark lines with only the occasional sound of a snore or a shout accompanying us. It was bitterly cold. Aleksey had been right in his silly chitchat that day; it did feel like snow. We walked out beyond the sentries, the colonel taking the opportunity to speak with them, check their orders and the password, and generally roust them a little. They looked alert but cold. Once we’d left the encampment, it was harder to walk, for we had no light at all. I was immensely pleased to see the colonel stumble once or twice. He had not spent most of his life with people who were at one with their mother the moon and their brothers the stars. I had, and I moved with catlike grace alongside his noisy progress.

Someone else had clearly heard him, for a voice came out of the darkness. “Now you see, Johan, why I chose him, yes?”

The colonel only grunted as we came to shadowy figures: Aleksey holding two horses. Xavier snuffled nervously and came toward me. I was incandescent with rage that they had taken him from his place on the line, saddled him, and brought him here. It was as if they’d used my body for something without permission.

Aleksey saw something of what I was thinking, for he laid a hand on my arm and said simply, “He knew me.”

I almost forgave him at his quick understanding that I had not liked the thought of a stranger handling my horse, bringing him out like this where he would be distressed. I
almost
forgave him, but not entirely. I was feeling a little distressed myself. Clandestine meetings in the dark to say good-bye—I was thoroughly confused and off balance. Aleksey swung up into his saddle with only the slightest of grimaces and indicated for me to do likewise.

I refused and stood my ground. “Tell me now what this is about. Are you accompanying me partway? Are you going to expound upon my faults as we ride, to give yourself the satisfaction that you did this in a soldierly way?”

He stared at me for a moment. I heard Johan mumble some words, of which I only caught “
idiots, same mold, deserve each other
.” He gave Aleksey a long look, then moved back toward the camp. We were alone. Aleksey’s horse was twisting, eager to be doing something. He calmed her.

“I have absolutely no idea what you just said, Doctor. Mount up. I’m cold. I have been waiting here for hours.”

I doubted this, as the ground was frosty, and I could see the tracks he’d made, no less fresh than ours. However, I did as he asked, for it
was
cold, and I wanted this over. I didn’t want a long chastisement or farewell. I was suddenly glad to be rid of them all.

For the first time, I noticed he was not in uniform either. Neither was he wearing his usual leather and silk nor sporting his favorite boots. He was dressed soberly in nondescript breeches and a jacket that looked as if it had seen better days. For one ridiculous moment, I thought that maybe he had been sacked too. Thankfully, I did not attempt to articulate this thought and make myself appear even more slow on the uptake. Fortunately, I realized that we were riding east not west and that there was no sign of Faelan. Aleksey never went anywhere without his shadow.

I reined in. “I’m not going another step until you tell me what this is about.”

He reined in as well and turned his horse so we were side by side, facing each other. “We are going to Saxefalia.”