A Scarred Soul: A Small Town Love Story (Safe Haven Book 2) (16 page)

“That’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. Sleep is…it can be so terrible.”

T
he grip
of Vince’s hands around her neck stirred Lulah. Add to that, his body pinning her to the sofa, and it took seconds for her to awaken fully and realize that unless she could break through to him, she was in deep shit.

Waking him seemed the best idea because the angry guy, trembling and dripping sweat on her, was so far removed from reality he was dangerous. Her adrenaline rocketed up the scale but she knew there would never be enough time for it to give her the physical strength to take on Vince.

His fingers squeezed and he started to yell.

That probably saved them. Calliope and Joker rushed from their beds, hurling themselves onto the sofa. Although they added to the melee, it was enough to bring Vince back from whatever nightmare he was reliving. In seconds he stood alongside her, panting, staring, crudely backlit by the lamp still blazing on his workbench.

“Jesus, Lulah, God no…tell me you’re all right?” His words were spilling out between jerky inhalations as he walked in a small circle, holding his head. Calliope kept bumping his knee but he appeared oblivious to the dog.

Lulah rose slowly to a seated position. She waited as her heart steadied, one hand on Joker for comfort, the other up at her neck as if checking for damage. She kept watch on Vince and finally he stopped pacing and faced her.

“Please tell me you’re okay? Please? Lulah, I’ll never forgive myself if I’ve hurt you.”

His agony was terrible to witness
.
“Okay, ah, wow, I’m still freaking out a bit here, Vince. What happened?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. A nightmare. We must have fallen asleep. If the dogs hadn’t woken me...”

“But the dogs did, Vince, the dogs woke you.”

He crossed to her, but when he reached out, she flinched. She hadn’t meant to, it wasn’t as if he frightened her, not now that he was awake. A different torment dragged across his face as he drew back. “Sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to do that, I’m still jittery.” She touched her neck again.

“Have I hurt you?”

“No, I’m fine. Big fright, that’s all. How about you?”

“Fucking mortified, to be honest. Please believe me when I say that I’d never knowingly harm you. But hell, Lulah, this state of not knowing what’s going to happen when I’m asleep or I have a flashback…what’s the point?”

Lulah stood, still too shaken to answer him. “I need a drink, what about you?”

“I’m okay.”

“Neither of us are okay right now. We’ve scared the shit out of each other so no more pretending.” She checked her watch. “It’s a little after one. Do you want to come over to the cabin and have a hot drink or a whiskey? I’m thinking something hard.”

Vince went to his workbench, his back to her. “I’ll stay here and do some work.”

His voice went flat, and Lulah noticed the tremor of his hand when he picked up the pencil. “Will you sleep again tonight?” she asked.

He shook his head.

“Do you want me to stay here awhile?” They both jumped when the pencil he gripped snapped.

He shook his head again.

“Where are you now, Vince? Can you talk?”

“Break, Lulah.”

She watched him leaning on the bench, his shoulders expanding, falling with each deep breath, his chin resting on his chest. As the silence lengthened, she knew she had to respect his request for a break. But she didn’t want to leave him, didn’t want him to head off into the dark in the state he was in.

Break was sacrosanct
.
What lunacy allowed her to promise that? She called Joker and stood at the door. “Goodnight, Vince, see you at breakfast.” From side on she could see the clench of his jaw and one tight fist.

Back at the cabin, she poured herself a whiskey. Medicinal, right? It would be awhile before she managed to burn up all the adrenaline and get some sleep. Across the yard she could see the glow from the light in the barn but couldn’t make out any movement from Vince. Christ, what a mess. He might be unreliable awake, but asleep, he was positively lethal. And all that other stuff tonight, well, that felt wrong now. And it shouldn’t, dammit, but each time they were remotely intimate she finished up feeling as though she’d somehow taken advantage of him. He hadn’t allowed her to touch him. It was always all about her and it didn’t matter that he tried to explain his limits, she never listened. She rubbed at the tears that stung her eyes. At this moment she needed someone to hold her as much as she needed to hold someone.

Across the yard, Vince was going through all kinds of hell.

T
hat she managed
to sleep amazed her. Although only a couple of hours, she didn’t feel too bad. In the mirror she studied her neck for any marks she might need to cover but the one bruise visible was hard to see, and she found it only because she knew where to look. When she let Joker out for a pee, she saw Vince doing the same with Calliope. The two dogs joined up for a full-yard reconnaissance and as Lulah stepped from her porch, Vince crossed the yard to greet her.

“Hey.” He gave her a small smile.

“Hey, yourself.”

“Are you okay this morning? Did you sleep?”

“Yeah, I slept a little.” She could see how that gave him some relief. “How about you?”

“No, I don’t sleep after the nightmares.”

“Come on, let’s go and make breakfast.”

In the kitchen Vince started on the toast. “I feel sick, Lulah. I frightened you.”

“You frightened both of us, but now you have to stop replaying that reel in your head.”
And so do I
.

“The disappointment in myself, about hurting you, about the nightmares…earlier I’d thought we were making progress, that maybe little-by-little I could hold myself together.” He went silent.

She waited, giving him time to gather his thoughts.

“Earlier, before we went to sleep and I touched you,” he took a deep breath and sighed, “I can’t remember ever feeling that happy. As if all the trouble had gone and the world didn’t exist outside of the barn. Just you, me, some passion. I needed that so badly, Lulah, and I’m so incredibly angry that the nightmares intruded. But I wouldn’t have given up that moment together for anything. And if a nightmare is payoff for spending time with you, well, I’m happy to do that. Except you’re not safe with me.”

“Do you have counseling today?”

“Yeah. Doc’s not going to know what’s hit him.”

“I’m sure he’s seen worse.”

“Poor bastard’s probably going to need his own counseling once I’m done.”

“Why don’t you call the dogs for breakfast?”

He took a step, just the one heading for the door, before pausing. “Are we okay here, Lulah?” His voice softened, breaking a little as if the idea of her answer frightened him.

She pulled up a smile. “Sure we are.”

He stayed there and watched her. Not making a move for the door to call the dogs, but watching with those intense chrysolite eyes that had seen more pain than any person should have endured, and, yeah, she was frightened.

Terrified.

Recently she stepped up to him, too close, too quickly, and even though she thought she had it together, that she had enough self-discipline to let her help him without her heart joining in, she was wrong.

Not too deep inside she knew that she drew on that same shallow well of hope where Vince drank sometimes, that maybe, together, they could do this. She knew now as he watched, his eyes almost imploring her to promise that together they would make it okay, she couldn’t do that. Worse than her father, more needy, more unreliable. Dangerous.

“What?” he asked. “What is it?”

“Your doctor, he’s good for you, Vince. Stick with him.”
Because I don’t do dangerous stuff with my heart.

“
L
ulah she’s doing it
! You’ve missed your cue again.”

“Sorry, Mike, I’m a bit slow today.” Lulah called Calliope close and made a fuss of her. The dog was doing everything right; it was Lulah messing things up.

“I’ve never seen you like this, is everything okay?” Mike edged up to her, and his touch of concern on her arm felt all wrong.

“Yeah, rough night, I didn’t sleep too well. I’ll be fine.” Marlo leaned against the wall, watching the final tune-up training they were doing with the three service dogs. In a few days Vince and the other two vets accepted for the training would be learning how to work with their canine battle buddies. After that, Mike would move back to his own facility.

When she checked, Lulah found Marlo had fixed her with a stare that matched Mike’s concern. It was hard to hide stuff when you hung out with behaviorists. She gave Marlo an open-armed ‘I’m okay’ gesture that made Marlo raise her eyes skyward. She hadn’t fooled her but would deal with that later when they stopped for lunch.

“Why don’t we take an early lunch break? Some food and coffee might sharpen your senses.”

“Good idea.” She signaled for a couple of interns to collect the three dogs and followed Marlo up to her office. Once there she slumped into a chair.

“Are you okay?” Marlo asked.

“Sure.”

“Bull.”

Lulah stared. “That obvious, huh?”

“Tell me.”

“Vince and I had a bit of a problem last night.”

“Go on.”

“He had a nightmare and I woke with his hands around my neck.”

“He came into your cabin?”

Lulah squeezed her eyes tight shut. She’d walked into that one
.
“No, we, ahh, fell asleep on his sofa together.” She watched for Marlo’s reaction, and yep, there it was. “Marlo, if your eyes open any wider your eyeballs are going to plop into your coffee.”

“Well, right now I’m processing what you’ve told me and I’m not sure which part to deal with first…the strangling, the sofa, the sleeping, and my not-altogether filthy mind is adding sex to this equation.”

“Probably an amalgamation,” Lulah suggested. “I’m voting for dealing with it all at once.”

“It sounds like a mess.”

“Yeah, that’s it. A mess.”

“You had sex with Vince?”

“I never said that. If you must know, neither of us removed a single article of clothing. When I left the barn we were both wearing the same pieces we wore at the time you left.”

“Ah, okay, so you fell asleep together on the sofa and Vince had a nightmare, and…heck, Lulah, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I feel a bit weird, but not physically harmed.” She smiled when she remembered how it ended. “The dogs took care of us. Calliope flew at Vince, trying to wake him and Joker was primed to tear a limb off if Calliope’s plan failed. She’s had all that training, but you can see she does it by instinct.”

“Right. Back to this Vince thing. Were you guys making out on the sofa? Did you jump each other the minute I left?”

“Geez, we’re not a couple of horny teenagers, Mother Marlo. And we weren’t making out. Emotionally, it was more serious than that. You know I’m trying to keep things platonic with him, but my resolve breaks quite easily.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Yeah, well, basically we feel asleep together on the couch, and I woke and Vince’s hands were around my neck. And they were tightening. When he yelled, it woke the dogs and they jumped on us and woke Vince. He was horrified. I was horrified. Altogether scary shit.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“He has counseling today so I’m going to wait, see how that turns out. But really, I have to tighten my resolve again. Help Vince and Calliope work well together, encourage Vince with his counseling, and make damned sure I pass the practical part of my degree.”

“Are you safe, Lulah?”

“Yeah, we’re safe.” She had to believe they were safe, and what she knew, the part that hurt, was that safety depended on her keeping their friendship platonic.

W
hen Vince drove
up to the barn, Lulah was standing on the cabin porch flanked by the dogs. The image made her appear to be under the watch of bodyguards and that twisted in his gut because he was the reason she needed the dogs’ protection.

“Hey, Vince, I’m glad you’re home early. Do you have time for a walk?”

“Yeah, I’ll grab a jacket.” He was edgy from counseling and that tension needed release. Being in the outpatient environment screwed with him. Waiting for his meds at the pharmacy took twice as long as usual. He felt like such a loser having to take drugs but to get well, he had to commit to the program. And if it meant keeping Lulah safe from him, he’d take the drugs.

They headed off down the drive to the track that started a quarter mile along the road. “How are you, today? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Vince, please don’t worry about me. How was counseling?”

“Good. We talked through a lot of stuff and I told Doc what happened last night. I hadn’t thought about it, but once I told him I realized you are the second woman I’ve attacked recently. I’m determined to make this work, Lulah, because I’m frightened I’ll hurt someone badly, soon.”

He’d shortened his stride so that Lulah didn’t have to do that double-time pace to stay with him.
Say something, please.
They reached the public track and once they were clear of the road they released the dogs. “Are you afraid of me, Lulah?”

“No, hey, no. I’m afraid of a lot of things right now, but I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of your PTSD, and of pushing too quickly. I don’t know if I’m good for you or bad for you and I’m afraid that I might be bad.”

“Doc thinks I need to continue focusing on getting well.”

“Uh-huh, I agree. I’m concerned that the pressure of our attraction to one another is adding to your stress.”

He grabbed for her hand as his chest tightened because he had a terrible feeling that she was letting him down gently, pulling away from him. That’s not what he meant, but how could he explain this to her when he didn’t understand it himself? “I can’t invest anything in a relationship right now, but, please, be my friend as I go through this. I can’t do it alone.”

“Yes, of course I’ll be your friend. If you do this for yourself, Vince, everything else will fall into place. I believe that.”

A
dam pulled up after eight
. Lulah and Vince were still having breakfast on the porch. “Well, look at you two having breakfast like an old married couple.”

Vince flicked a crust of toast at him. “Here you go, Kiwi, I saved this for the birds.”

Adam caught it and flicked it to Joker who snapped it from the air with grace.

“Are you about ready?” Adam asked. “I don’t want these two guys stranded in a crowded airport.”

“Lulah said I have to wash the dishes and tidy my room before I’m allowed out.”

“Yeah, I’d believe that. I wouldn’t cross her, either.”

Lulah slapped Vince’s shoulder. “Get outta here.” She started clearing the dishes.

“We should be back by one. Marlo is fixing lunch for us all, and after lunch, we’ll go down to the Sanctuary Village, get the guys settled in, meet the dogs, and show them around.”

Adam headed around to the passenger side of the SUV.

“You want me to drive?” Vince asked.

“Argh. How long have I been in this country? Six months and I’m still trying to drive from the wrong side of the vehicle.”

“Perhaps I’d better drive. Can I trust you to stay on the right side of the road?”

“I’m fine once I’m driving.”

“Lulah,” Vince called as he opened the car door, “can you find my Saint Christopher medal?” He turned to Adam. “You should know, I haven’t had the need to wear it since Afghanistan.”

“Get in, chicken. I thought you Marines were brave.”

“Brave, yes. Foolhardy, no.”

As they pulled out onto the main road Adam asked him if he knew anything about the two men they were going to pick up from the airport.

“Not much, I’ve tried to stay out of it.”

“Dave is a Vietnam vet and Cody is Navy. Cody’s about your age.”

“Uh-huh.”

They drove on for a bit before Adam broke the silence. “Marlo says you and Lulah had a bit of an incident the other night.”

“Yeah, yeah we did. That was scary shit. I’m going to back off from Lulah. I mean, I like her so much, but she has her own goals, needs, I’d wreck them for her. Someone like Mike would be good for her.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure you believe that.”

“I don’t believe it for a minute, but she’s still going through all kinds of grief because of her father, and I’m a liability. If nothing else, I know that I can’t expect Lulah to put up with all of my baggage.”

“If you’re right for each other, she’ll help you unpack it.”

“I can’t let that happen, Adam. Some of it’s booby-trapped. I don’t want her to finish up as damaged as I am and that’s what can happen with this PTSD shit. There’s enough research now that shows partners, children, the families of people with PTSD can end up with secondary poisoning by living with people like me. She’s too good to break, I like her too much.”

“Well, she’s not going anywhere, and I’m sure she’d be happy to stick by your side as a friend for now as you go through this process. And don’t worry about frightening Lulah. She’s fearless and resilient, plus she has good back-up and she talks rather than bottles stuff up. Between us all, we can help you through this, Vince. If you’ll let us.”

“You know, there’s something you might be able to help me out with. It’s for Lulah. She’s lost track of her father and, even though she’s not exactly looking for him, I know she’s concerned. She didn’t want to bother you and Marlo about it, but I thought you could ask Butch if he had any suggestions for tracking him down.”

“No problem. Give me the details of his last known address. I’m sure Butch will help.”

They drove in silence for a while. “Marlo tells me you’re making an amazing replica of Justice for the fundraising auction.”

“Yeah. It’s going well. I’ve never tried making a carousel animal on my own before. And I’ve certainly never tried one as a rocker. It’s good practice for me. Very calming.”

“There’s something I’d like to ask you. I want you to think about it before giving me an answer because I don’t want to put you under any pressure. If you don’t want to do it, please say and I won’t try and change your mind. By the time the auction comes around, you’ll be working with Calliope as your certified service dog. Would you think about making a speech, just a short one, to explain to the guests exactly what it means to have Calliope in your daily life? You don’t have to go into anything personal, but I think your insight would give the guests something to open their wallets for. I know that sounds mercenary but in the end, the success of the auction trickles through to the success of the Sanctuary service dog program.”

“You know I’d really like to help the program,” Vince stared out the window, “but it’ll be a crowd, in a place I don’t know. I understand I have to get over my fear of having flashbacks. In reality, these days they don’t happen often, but it’s the fear, and the humiliation when it happens. Hell, you’ve seen me in action when it all takes hold of me. I want to help the program in any way I can. Let me talk to Doc about it, and Group. Let me see if I can find a way to do it.”

“Cool. Don’t pressure yourself, you know. No recriminations if you can’t do it. We’ll understand, totally. And if it’s any consolation, I have to MC the evening and I’m shitting myself.”

Vince laughed. “Can’t wait to tell Marlo I’ve found your weakness.”

V
ince entered the kitchen
, towel-drying his hair. He wore his standard jeans, faded USMC t-shirt, and bare feet. He had filled out a little since staying in the barn and eating regular meals with Lulah. Even though he cooked well, Lulah suspected that his meals were sporadic when he was having a meltdown.

Drag your eyes off UHT Guy.

Despite her resolution to back off him, some days, well, every day, she maintained a constant effort to reaffirm that. She swallowed. “Big day, huh?”

He stopped drying his hair and moved up alongside her to grab a cookie from the plate she’d put out. “Yep. Worse for Dave and Cody, though. I mean, they’re right out of their comfort zones, meeting new people, meeting their dogs, being in unfamiliar territory. You know, I’m not sure I could have managed. That sort of situation is tough on someone with PTSD.”

“Marlo has put in a sturdy support system for them at the Sanctuary village. They’ll be well cared for.” Lulah handed him a mug of tea.

“We’re going to be busy for the next few weeks, learning how to work with the dogs.” He hitched himself onto the kitchen counter and smiled at her. “I took the new medication for a couple of nights, the stuff that should stop the nightmares.”

“Any good?”

“Yeah, it helps. I managed around five hours’ sleep. My head’s a bit fuzzy today, but that’s to be expected. I hate taking pills, but the sleep is good. And not having nightmares is awesome. I’ll stick with it because Doc says the side effects should lessen as I get used to the meds.”

“That’s good, Vince.”

He eyed the cookies and she passed the plate to him. “Here you go, cookie monster. Didn’t you have enough to eat at the Village?”

“Always room for your cookies, Lulah.”

She watched him bite and chew, the muscles of his neck contracting as he swallowed, and he grinned when he caught her looking. “What?” he asked.

“You. I shouldn’t say this, but you’re rather gorgeous, you know.”

“You’re not bad yourself, imp.” He reached out a hand to her. “Come here.”

As she took his hand he pulled her in between his thighs, and locked his legs around her middle. “I have to go tomorrow for the divorce mediation. I’m kind of nervous about custody. You know, if it goes badly I’m scared I’m going to freak and that will make it worse.”

“Take Calliope with you. You can use her for a break if you need it, like we talked about today. Give her the signal, she’ll act restless, and you can say she needs to go outside. She knows how to play that game. And if you have her there to touch, to stroke, it’ll help with the stress.”

“What if they won’t let me take her in?”

“She’s a service dog. They’ll let her in.”

He placed his hands on her shoulders. “I’m scared. I hate feeling like this. I have no control of the situation or the outcome and if it starts turning bad, I don’t have a weapon to protect myself.”

“Yeah, you do, Vince. You have your calm, which, tomorrow you’re going to have to dig deep for and hold tight—two hands, please—so that it won’t slip away. You have your beautiful smile and your quiet acceptance which I honestly believe you’ll be able to show all of them, so that when the moment is right, you can go after time with Gable knowing that you and she will be safe with each other.”

She saw his sigh tremble in his chest. “Hey, Vince, there are not many people who would be as perceptive as you, nor as generous in putting your own desire to be with your daughter aside until you are well enough. Most would demand their right to access and that would be it. It’s a totally selfless act, and I’m sure the mediator will take that into consideration.”

“How is it you see in me the things I can’t find?” His fingers gripped her shoulders so tight she struggled not to grimace.

“Relax, Vince.” His grip eased, the fingers of one hand playing with the shoulder seam on her t-shirt. “Perhaps you’re looking in the wrong place, or maybe you can’t see because you have these harsh, self-judging blinkers on. I can only see what you show me, therefore what I tell you I see…you have to believe me, it’s there.”

“I look in my heart, you know? When I returned from combat, I thought I was incapable of ever loving again, but seeing Gable, I found such an intense need to protect her. I hoped it was driven by love, that if I was around her enough she would feed that and help it grow. But I lost her pretty quick and although my heart aches for her, that ache is a comfort because it means I haven’t lost the capacity to love.”

“You’re going to be great, tomorrow, Vince. Be honest with them, be yourself so that they understand how determined you are to get better.” She brushed her hands along his hard thighs and felt the muscles contract and relax beneath her touch. “Come and sit by the fire.” She’d lit it when they came in, more for the companionship of the firelight than the need for warmth. She sat on the rug, patting the space beside her to indicate where she wanted him to sit. He passed her the mugs of tea, moving in behind her so that the armchair at his back braced him. Again, he pulled her between his outstretched legs.

“Do you mind if I hold you like this?”

His words ruffled her hair. Shuffling back more, she nestled against him. “Sure, I like it.” She waited a few breaths for them both to settle, to find a rhythm and ease in this proximity so that it felt less intimate. “You never speak of your parents, Vince.”

She left him the space of an open inquiry and waited in his silence, noticed his heart speed as he held his breath. If he couldn’t share any more tonight, that was no bother because she spent her life waiting for damaged creatures to offer up a secret and accept the help of an extra hand to carry a burden. When he finally spoke it was relief she could hear in the tone of his voice and she shifted around to face him, to witness that. She settled to sit cross-legged between his bent legs, her elbows resting on his knees.

“My parents…they’re ordinary, they’re, well, they’re great. If I had carried on along my path, the sunlit one with the smooth surface and flowers along the border—the path they wished for me to take, instead of joining the Marines—their life would have been simple. I studied graphic art. Dad is a sign-writer. They were confused, I think hurt, over my drive to join up. There is no military history in my family. But they were proud of me, you know, puzzled, but proud. And my sisters, they’re both a bit younger. They were entering their teens when I left and they pretty much hoped I’d bring hot Marines home on leave with me.”