A Second Chance (22 page)

‘But I remember you saying you were
frightened of him!’

‘Yes, I was. I learned to be a lot more
frightened after I married him.’

‘But… but why, Amy? Why marry a man like
that?’

‘Because he asked for me. Because Pa was so
happy at the idea of me getting married, and I’d hurt him so much.
Because Susannah told me no one else would want a bad girl like me,
and if I cared about Pa or the others I should marry Charlie.’

‘Susannah!’ Jimmy snatched at the word. ‘She
made you do it. My little Amy! The thought of a girl like you being
given to a man like that—it makes me feel quite ill. What was
Susannah thinking of?’

Amy waited for his self-righteous tirade to
run its course before speaking again. ‘Susannah didn’t get me with
child, Jimmy. That’s the reason I ended up with Charlie. Anyway, I
don’t think Susannah really knew what it would be like with him.
She never liked me, and she wanted me out of the way, but she
didn’t think there was much difference between one farmer and
another.’

‘You were meant for better things than that.
Well, how did it turn out? What sort of father did he make for my
child?’

‘He didn’t. He wanted me, but he didn’t want
another man’s child. That was part of the bargain.’

‘Wh-what?’ Jimmy’s brow furrowed. ‘But… what
about the child? What happened to it?’

One thought was uppermost in Amy’s mind: she
had to protect Sarah. She had to do her utmost to prevent Jimmy
from finding out just who Sarah was. She would not lie, not even to
the man who had betrayed her; but she would do her best to keep the
truth from him. ‘I gave it away,’ she said, her voice flat.
‘Susannah found a woman who arranged adoptions, and she took the
baby.’

‘You gave my child to strangers?’ Jimmy
said, clearly shocked.

‘I gave
my
child to strangers. You
hadn’t shown any interest in it.’

‘How could you do that, Amy? What were you
thinking of?’

‘Don’t you dare tell me what I should or
shouldn’t have done,’ Amy said fiercely. ‘You went off and left me!
I had to decide what was best for everyone—I had to decide it on my
own. If I’d kept the baby, everyone would have been miserable.
People would have called it a bastard. I wanted it to have a good
home, with people who’d love it. They told me—Susannah and the
adoption lady—they said it was best for the baby, and I thought it
was the best for Pa and the boys, too. I
wanted
to keep it.
I didn’t want to marry Charlie. But I had to think of everyone
else. I couldn’t be selfish.’

‘But weren’t you worried? Didn’t you wonder
what had become of it?’

‘Of course I did. I fretted and wondered
every single day.’ She glanced at him to see if he had noticed that
she had put her fears in the past tense. ‘I found out a little bit
years later,’ she said carefully. ‘Lizzie helped me. I found out
the baby had gone to very good people. I didn’t know their name or
where they lived, but enough to stop worrying so much.’

‘I suppose that’s something,’ Jimmy said
doubtfully. ‘Amy, I’ll admit I didn’t really think about my child
for quite some time after we parted. I often thought of you, of
course, but not of the child. And then when I married, naturally I
assumed Charlotte would give me children. I never expected to be
let down in that way. Charlotte’s barren.’

‘I’m sorry for her,’ Amy said with all
sincerity.

‘Oh, she’s probably not that bothered.
Childbearing would get in the way of all her outings, and she
wouldn’t be able to wear her fanciest gowns.’

‘I don’t believe it. No woman would be
pleased about that.’

‘Well, she has made an awful fuss over it at
times,’ Jimmy admitted. ‘She used to get in floods of tears, years
ago. And she must have spent a fortune on quacks and their
remedies, after the doctors told her they couldn’t do anything.
She’s even had the cheek to suggest it might be my fault,’ he said
indignantly. ‘As if I’ve ever shown any lack in that area. There’ve
been times I’ve almost been tempted to tell her just how I know
there’s nothing wrong with me.’

He glanced at Amy and pulled a face.
‘Ridiculous, isn’t it? I lost you because you were just a little
too fruitful—you got with child too quickly. And then I go and
marry a woman who’s barren.’

‘What do you mean, you lost me? You make me
sound like a parcel you left somewhere. You knew where I was. I
didn’t go anywhere.’

‘Amy, I don’t need to be told that I married
the wrong woman,’ Jimmy said, full of self-pity. ‘I realised that
many years ago.’

‘Well, you
did
marry her. And it’s
not right for you to complain about her to other people—least of
all to me. I won’t listen to any more of it.’

‘It’s not a subject that gives me any
pleasure to dwell on. I’d much rather think about you.’ He leaned a
little closer to Amy, studying her face. ‘Do you know, I thought I
knew every inch of you—by feel if not by sight.’ His smile became
close to a leer, and Amy kept her own gaze resolutely aloof. ‘But
there’s a tiny scar on your lip. Now, how did I come to miss that?
I certainly saw your lips close up often enough.’

‘It wasn’t there when you knew me. It’s from
having a fist split my lip open.’ Her discomfort and irritation
abruptly overflowed into words. ‘Do you want to see anything else?
You can look in my mouth if you like, and see where I had teeth
knocked out. I’ve got some good scars, too, especially the one
where I had a cracked rib. I can’t show you those, though.’

Jimmy was staring at her in horror. ‘He did
that to you?’

Amy nodded. ‘Among other things.’

‘Just how bad was it? If you can bear to
tell me.’

‘It was as bad as… no, that’s wrong,’ Amy
stopped herself. ‘I was going to say as bad as you could imagine,
but you can’t imagine it. It’s different when you’re a man, and
you’re so much bigger and stronger. Did you marry in a church?’

‘Of course. In Melbourne Cathedral—quite the
social highlight, and with Melbourne’s finest citizens in
attendance.’

‘So you promised to love your wife. Do
you?’

His face hardened. ‘Charlotte doesn’t choose
to make herself very lovable.’

‘Well, I hope you’re kind to her. I hope you
don’t hit her.’

‘Oh, one doesn’t take liberties with
Charlotte,’ Jimmy said bitterly. ‘There’ve been times I’ve wanted
nothing more than to give her a good slap. But her dear papa would
be sure to hear about it, and there’d be no end of trouble. He soon
made it clear to me that as far as he was concerned my only role in
life was to make his precious Charlotte happy. Just the odd slap,
though,’ he added hastily. ‘Not the sort of thing you’ve
suffered—and I can’t believe you ever deserved it. He used his
fists on you?’

‘Yes. And he beat me with a stick sometimes,
when he thought I’d been specially bad. I’ve been beaten and kicked
and…’ She bit back the last word.

‘And what?’ Jimmy prompted. ‘Tell me the
worst of it.’

‘Yes, it was the worst,’ Amy said pensively.
‘Even worse than being beaten.’ She lifted her gaze to look him
straight in the eyes. ‘Raped.’

Jimmy gave a start, then his mouth
tightened. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Amy. A man can’t rape his own
wife. I think you’ll find the law supports that fact.’

‘I used to think that, too. I thought a man
could do whatever he wanted with his wife, short of killing her.
But it’s not true. A man doesn’t own a woman just because he
marries her. A wife has rights of her own.’

‘Goodness, you’re quite the little
suffragist, aren’t you?’ Jimmy said, his voice full of
condescension.

‘I’ve voted every election since women got
the vote.’

‘Really?’ It was clear that he did not find
the topic at all interesting. ‘I’ve no idea whether Charlotte does
or not. Perhaps she does, just to make sure she cancels out my
vote. That would be just like her. Amy, there’s a young woman
looking at us—do you know her?’

Amy looked in the direction he was
indicating, and recognised Alice, who was walking briskly across
the grass, taking the shortest route on her way to Sarah’s house.
‘Good afternoon, Mrs Stewart,’ Alice called cheerfully, but she
made no move to stop.

‘It’s one of Sarah’s maids,’ Amy said,
trying to keep her agitation out of her voice. There was a chance
that Alice might mention having seen her, and she would prefer
Sarah not to hear of this meeting.

‘Ah, the lovely Miss Millish. And how do you
come to be her guest? She’s not someone I’d have expected you to be
acquainted with.’

Amy chose her words with care. ‘It was
through Lily. Oh, you wouldn’t have met Lily, she was after your
time. She was the schoolteacher, and she married my cousin Bill.
Well, Sarah’s Lily’s cousin, and she came to visit. I met her, and
she invited me to Auckland.’

The explanation seemed to satisfy him. ‘How
gracious of her. You must feel quite honoured.’

‘She’s been very kind. She thought I needed
a holiday, and her and Davie talked me into it.’ She smiled at the
memory.

‘Davie?’ Jimmy prompted. ‘Who’s that?’

‘My son,’ Amy said proudly. Seeing his
sudden eager expression, she added, ‘Mine and Charlie’s.’

‘Oh.’ Disappointment was clear in his face.
‘You only had the one child to him, then? He was rather elderly, of
course.’

‘I bore him three children born alive, and I
don’t know how many miscarriages,’ Amy snapped. ‘I lost count of
them. He wasn’t as old as all that, you know. Not when we were
first married.’

‘I just assumed… what happened to the other
children, then? You only mentioned the one.’

‘Alexander was born much too early. He only
lived a few hours. And Mal…’ Her eyes drifted to the statue of the
soldier, just visible through the trees. ‘Mal went off to the War.
He died there.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Jimmy. ‘That must have
been very difficult.’

‘Especially for Charlie. It was an awful
blow to him.’

‘I can understand that. I know what it is to
lose a child.’

Amy looked at his self-pitying expression
with distaste. ‘It’s a different matter for someone who actually
took an interest in the child in question.’ She sighed. ‘Charlie
never got over losing Mal. He just about turned into an old man
overnight.’

‘You speak of him very kindly for someone
who treated you so abominably. The man was a brute! I hate the very
thought of—’

‘Then don’t think about it,’ Amy interrupted
in rising irritation. ‘It was between me and Charlie, and I forgave
him long ago.’

‘That’s remarkably charitable of you.’

‘It’s not so hard to forgive people when you
know they’re sorry for what they’ve done to you.’ She was already
regretting having let Jimmy provoke her into saying as much as she
had. Charlie was the frail old man who had clung to her for
comfort; the harsh memories of those bad times should have been
left where she had buried them. ‘Anyway, it’s none of your
business, and I don’t want to talk about it any more.’ She looked
around, noticing how low the sun was. ‘I should go.’

‘No! Not just yet. Please, Amy—hear me
out.’

It was becoming increasingly difficult for
her to remain calm in his presence. ‘What do you want from me,
Jimmy? I don’t think we’ve anything useful to say to each
other.’

‘Oh, but we do. Seeing you again has made me
remember what it was like with you. It’s made me realise what I’ve
missed. Amy, I’ve something to offer you. Would you like to stay on
in Auckland?’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Live here permanently, I mean. I could do
that for you. I could find somewhere for you to live, and then we’d
be able to see each other as often as we wanted—well, as often as I
could get away, anyway. We wouldn’t be able to appear together in
public, of course, but there’d be ways around that.’

‘What are you suggesting?’ Amy asked,
unwilling to believe what his words seemed to imply.

‘You’ve no idea how lonely it can be, living
with a woman like Charlotte. I’ve thought for some time about
trying to arrange a more pleasant companion. Seeing you again and
remembering what it was like being with you—oh, Amy.’

His hungry expression reminded her of the
early years with Charlie. Her disgust was so strong she could taste
it like bile in her mouth.

‘You want me to be your whore? You think I’d
do that?’

‘Whore’s an ugly word,’ he protested. ‘I
want you to be my mistress.’

‘That sounds like a fancy name for the same
thing.’ She felt her heart pounding. It took all her self-control
not to scream at him. ‘I’ve been called whore before, Jimmy, but I
don’t think anyone’s ever meant it as much as you seem to.’

‘You’d be my wife in all but name. And
perhaps… you don’t seem very old. Do you think you could still have
a child? Just the one, Amy. I just want a child of my own. That’s
not much to ask, is it? I need an heir—the business isn’t going so
very well right now, but it’s sure to pick up soon. And with a
child of my own that I could look forward to passing it on to, it
would all be so much more worthwhile. I’d acknowledge it, you
wouldn’t need to worry about that. The child would have my name. I
wouldn’t even mind if it was a girl. We could take up where we left
off. It would be perfect.’

Amy got unsteadily to her feet. Jimmy stood
and made to take her arm, but she slapped his hand away. ‘Don’t,’
she said, managing to get the word out with difficulty. ‘Don’t
touch me. No, don’t talk to me. I don’t want to hear another word.
I’m going.’

‘Just think it over. Perhaps I raised it too
abruptly, but don’t dismiss the idea out of hand. I’ll let you go
now, but we must meet again—soon, too. In a day or two.’

‘No,’ Amy said, her voice low. ‘I don’t want
to ever see you again.’

‘Oh, come now, Amy, don’t be foolish. Think
it over, and I believe you’ll see what a fine thing it would be for
us both. I’ll give you a few days, then I’ll contact you. I know
how to find you.’