A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Reptile Room (7 page)

Chapter Twelve

I promise you that this is the last time that I will use the phrase "meanwhile, back at the ranch," but I can think of no other way to return to the moment when Klaus has just explained to Mr. Poe what Sunny had meant by shouting "Aha!" and now everyone in the Reptile Room was staring at Stephano. Sunny looked triumphant. Klaus looked defiant. Mr. Poe looked furious. Dr. Lucafont looked worried. You couldn't tell how the Incredibly Deadly Viper looked, because the facial expressions of snakes are difficult to read. Stephano looked back at all these people silently, his face fluttering as he tried to decide whether to come clean, a phrase which here means "admit that he's really Count Olaf and up to no good," or perpetuate his deception, a phrase which here means "lie, lie, lie." "Stephano," Mr. Poe said, and coughed into his handkerchief. Klaus and Sunny waited impatiently for him to continue. "Stephano, explain yourself. You have just told us that you are an expert on snakes. Previously, however, you told us you knew nothing of snakes, and therefore couldn't have been involved in Dr. Montgomery's death. What is going on?" "When I told you I knew nothing of snakes," Stephano said, "I was being modest. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go outside for a moment, and-" "You weren't being modest!" Klaus cried. "You were lying! And you are lying now! You're nothing but a liar and murderer!" Stephano's eyes grew wide and his face clouded in anger. "You have no evidence of that," he said. "Yes we do," said a voice in the doorway, and everyone turned around to find Violet standing there, with a smile on her face and evidence in her arms. Triumphantly, she walked across the Reptile Room to the far end, where the books Klaus had been reading about the Mamba du Mal were still stacked in a pile. The others followed her, walking down the aisles of reptiles. Silently, she arranged the objects in a line on top of a table: the glass vial with the sealed rubber cap, the syringe with the sharp needle, the small bunch of folded papers, a card laminated in plastic, the powder puff and the small hand mirror. "What is all this?" Mr. Poe said, gesturing to the arrangement. "This," Violet said, "is evidence, which I found in Stephano's suitcase." "My suitcase," Stephano said, "is private property, which you are not allowed to touch. It's very rude of you, and besides, it was locked." "It was an emergency," Violet said calmly, "so I picked the lock." "How did you do that?" Mr. Poe asked. "Nice girls shouldn't know how to do such things." "My sister is a nice girl," Klaus said, "and she knows how to do all sorts of things." "Roofik!" Sunny agreed. "Well, we'll discuss that later," Mr. Poe said. "In the meantime, please continue." "When Uncle Monty died," Violet began, "my siblings and I were very sad, but we were also very suspicious." "We weren't suspicious!" Klaus exclaimed. "If someone is suspicious, it means they're not sure! We were positive that Stephano killed him!" "Nonsense!" Dr. Lucafont said. "As I explained to all of you, Montgomery Montgomery's death was an accident. The Mamba du Mal escaped from its cage and bit him, and that's all there is to it." "I beg your pardon," Violet said, "but that is not all there is to it. Klaus read up on the Mamba du Mal, and found out how it kills its victims." Klaus walked over to the stack of books and opened the one on top. He had marked his place with a small piece of paper, so he found what he was looking for right away. '"The Mamba du Mal,'" he read out loud, '"is one of the deadliest snakes in the hemisphere, noted for its strangulatory grip, used in conjunction with its deadly venom, giving all of its victims a tenebrous hue, which is ghastly to behold.'" He put the book down, and turned to Mr. Poe. "'Strangulatory' means-" "We know what the words mean!" Stephano shouted. "Then you must know," Klaus said, "that the Mamba du Mal did not kill Uncle Monty. His body didn't have a tenebrous hue. It was as pale as could be." "That's true," Mr. Poe said, "but it doesn't necessarily indicate that Dr. Montgomery was murdered." "Yes," Dr. Lucafont said. "Perhaps, just this once, the snake didn't feel like bruising its victim." "It is more likely," Violet said, "that Uncle Monty was killed with these items." She held up the glass vial with the sealed rubber cap. "This vial is labeled 'Venom du Mal,' and it's obviously from Uncle Monty's cabinet of venom samples." She then held up the syringe with the sharp needle. "Stephano-Olaf-took this syringe and injected the venom into Uncle Monty. Then he poked an extra hole, so it would look like the snake had bitten him." "But I loved Dr. Montgomery," Stephano said. "I would have had nothing to gain from his death." Sometimes, when someone tells a ridiculous lie, it is best to ignore it entirely. "When I turn eighteen, as we all know," Violet continued, ignoring Stephano entirely, "I inherit the Baudelaire fortune, and Stephano intended to get that fortune for himself. It would be easier to do so if we were in a location that was more difficult to trace, such as Peru." Violet held up the small bunch of folded papers. "These are tickets for the Prospero, leaving Hazy Harbor for Peru at five o'clock today. That's where Stephano was taking us when we happened to run into you, Mr. Poe." "But Uncle Monty tore up Stephano's ticket to Peru," Klaus said, looking confused. "I saw him." "That's true," Violet said. "That's why he had to get Uncle Monty out of the way. He killed Uncle Monty-" Violet stopped for a minute and shuddered. "He killed Uncle Monty, and took this laminated card. It's Monty's membership card for the Herpetological Society. Stephano planned to pose as Uncle Monty to get on board the Prospero, and whisk us away to Peru." "But I don't understand," Mr. Poe said. "How did Stephano even know about your fortune?" "Because he's really Count Olaf," Violet said, exasperated that she had to explain what she and her siblings and you and I knew the moment Stephano arrived at the house. "He may have shaved his head, and trimmed off his eyebrows, but the only way he could get rid of the tattoo on his left ankle was with this powder puff and hand mirror. There's makeup all over his left ankle, to hide the eye, and I'll bet if we rub it with a cloth we can see the tattoo." "That's absurd!" Stephano cried. "We'll see about that," Mr. Poe replied. "Now, who has a cloth?" "Not me," Klaus said. "Not me," Violet said. "Guweel!" Sunny said. "Well, if nobody has a cloth, we might as well forget the whole thing," Dr. Lucafont said, but Mr. Poe held up a finger to tell him to wait. To the relief of the Baudelaire orphans, he reached into his pocket and withdrew his handkerchief. "Your left ankle, please," he said sternly to Stephano. "But you've been coughing into that all day!" Stephano said. "It has germs!" "If you are really who the children say you are," Mr. Poe said, "then germs are the least of your problems. Your left ankle, please." Stephano-and this is the last time, thank goodness, we'll have to call him by his phony name-gave a little growl, and pulled his left pants leg up to reveal his ankle. Mr. Poe knelt down and rubbed at it for a few moments. At first, nothing appeared to happen, but then, like a sun shining through clouds at the end of a terrible rainstorm, the faint outline of an eye began to appear. Clearer and clearer it grew until it was as dark as it had been when the orphans first saw it, back when they had lived with Count Olaf. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny all stared at the eye, and the eye stared back. For the first time in their lives, the Baudelaire orphans were happy to see it.

Chapter Thirteen

If this were a book written to entertain small children, you would know what would happen next. With the villain's identity and evil,, plans exposed, the police would arrive on the scene and place him in a jail for the rest of his life, and the plucky youngsters would go out for pizza and live happily ever after. But this book is about the Baudelaire orphans, and you and I know that these three unfortunate children living happily ever after is about as likely as Uncle Monty returning to life. But it seemed to the Baudelaire orphans, as the tattoo became evident, that at least a little bit of Uncle Monty had come back to them as they proved Count Olaf's treachery once and for all. "That's the eye, all right," Mr. Poe said, and stopped rubbing Count Olaf's ankle. "You are most definitely Count Olaf, and you are most definitely under arrest." "And I am most definitely shocked," Dr. Lucafont said, clapping his oddly solid hands to his head. "As am I," Mr. Poe agreed, grabbing Count Olaf's arm in case he tried to run anywhere. "Violet, Klaus, Sunny-please forgive me for not believing you earlier. It just seemed too far-fetched that he would have searched you out, disguised himself as a laboratory assistant, and concocted an elaborate plan to steal your fortune." "I wonder what happened to Gustav, Uncle Monty's real lab assistant?" Klaus wondered out loud. "If Gustav hadn't quit, then Uncle Monty never would have hired Count Olaf." Count Olaf had been quiet this whole time, ever since the tattoo had appeared. His shiny eyes had darted this way and that, watching everyone carefully the way a lion will watch a herd of antelope, looking for the one that would be best to kill and eat. But at the mention of Gustav's name, he spoke up. "Gustav didn't quit," he said in his wheezy voice. "Gustav is dead! One day when he was out collecting wildflowers I drowned him in the Swarthy Swamp. Then I forged a note saying he quit." Count Olaf looked at the three children as if he were going to run over and strangle them, but instead he stood absolutely still, which somehow was even scarier. "But that's nothing compared to what I will do to you, orphans. You have won this round of the game, but I will return for your fortune, and for your precious skin." "This is not a game, you horrible man," Mr. Poe said. "Dominos is a game. Water polo is a game. Murder is a crime, and you will go to jail for it. I will drive you to the police station in town right this very minute. Oh, drat, I can't. My car is wrecked. Well, I'll take you down in Dr. Montgomery's jeep, and you children can follow along in Dr. Lucafont's car. I guess you'll be able to see the inside of a doctor's automobile, after all." "It might be easier," Dr. Lucafont said, "to put Stephano in my car, and have the children follow behind. After all, Dr. Montgomery's body is in my car, so there's no room for all three children, anyway." "Well," Mr. Poe said, "I'd hate to disappoint the children after they've had such a trying time. We can move Dr. Montgomery's body to the jeep, and-" "We couldn't care less about the inside of a doctor's automobile," Violet said impatiently. "We only made that up so we wouldn't be trapped alone with Count Olaf." "You shouldn't tell lies, orphans," Count Olaf said. "I don't think you are in a position to give moral lectures to children, Olaf," Mr. Poe said sternly. "All right, Dr. Lucafont, you take him." Dr. Lucafont grabbed Count Olaf's shoulder with one of his oddly stiff hands, and led the way out of the Reptile Room and to the front door, stopping at the doorway to give Mr. Poe and the three children a thin smile. "Say good-bye to the orphans, Count Olaf," Dr. Lucafont said. "Good-bye," Count Olaf said. "Good-bye," Violet said. "Good-bye," Klaus said. Mr. Poe coughed into his handkerchief and gave a sort of disgusted half-wave at Count Olaf, indicating good-bye. But Sunny didn't say anything. Violet and Klaus looked down at her, surprised that she hadn't said "Yeet!" or "Libo!" or any of her various terms for "good-bye." But Sunny was staring at Dr. Lucafont with a determined look in her eye, and in a moment she had leaped into the air and bitten him on the hand. "Sunny!" Violet said, and was about to apologize for her behavior when she saw Dr. Lucafont's whole hand come loose from his arm and fall to the floor. As Sunny clamped down on it with her four sharp teeth, the hand made a crackling sound, like breaking wood or plastic rather than skin or bone. And when Violet looked at the place where Dr. Lucafont's hand had been, she saw no blood or indication of a wound, but a shiny, metal hook. Dr. Lucafont looked at the hook, too, and then at Violet, and grinned horribly. Count Olaf grinned too, and in a second the two of them had darted out the door. "The hook-handed man!" Violet shouted. "He's not a doctor! He's one of Count Olaf's henchmen!" Instinctively, Violet grabbed the air where the two men had been standing, but of course they weren't there. She opened the front door wide and saw the two of them sprinting through the snake-shaped hedges. "After them!" Klaus shouted, and the three Baudelaires started to run through the door. But Mr. Poe stepped in front of them and blocked their way. "No!" he cried. "But it's the hook-handed man!" Violet shouted. "He and Olaf will get away!" "I can't let you run out after two dangerous criminals," Mr. Poe replied. "I am responsible for the safety of you children, and I will not have any harm come to you." "Then you go after them!" Klaus cried. "But hurry!" Mr. Poe began to step out the door, but he stopped when he heard the roar of a car engine starting up. The two ruffians-a word which here means "horrible people"-had reached Dr. Lucafont's car, and were already driving away. "Get in the jeep!" Violet exclaimed. "Follow them!" "A grown man," Mr. Poe said sternly, "does not get involved in a car chase. This is a job for the police. I'll go call them now, and maybe they can set up roadblocks." The Baudelaire youngsters watched Mr. Poe shut the door and race to the telephone, and their hearts sank. They knew it was no use. By the time Mr. Poe was through explaining the situation to the police, Count Olaf and the hook-handed man were sure to be long gone. Suddenly exhausted, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny walked to Uncle Monty's enormous staircase and sat down on the bottom step, listening to the faint sound of Mr. Poe talking on the phone. They knew that trying to find Count Olaf and the hook-handed man, particularly when it grew dark, would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Despite their anxiety over Count Olaf's escape, the three orphans must have fallen asleep for a few hours, for the next thing they knew, it was nighttime and they were still on the bottom step. Somebody had placed a blanket over them, and as they stretched themselves, they saw three men in overalls walking out of the Reptile Room, carrying some of the reptiles in their cages. Behind them walked a chubby man in a brightly colored plaid suit, who stopped when he saw they were awake. "Hey, kids," the chubby man said in a loud, booming voice. "I'm sorry if I woke you up, but my team has to move quickly." "Who are you?" Violet asked. It is confusing to fall asleep in the daytime and wake up at night. "What are you doing with Uncle Monty's reptiles?" Klaus asked. It is also confusing to realize you have been sleeping on stairs, rather than in a bed or sleeping bag. "Dixnik?" Sunny asked. It is always confusing why anyone would choose to wear a plaid suit. "The name's Bruce," Bruce said. "I'm the director of marketing for the Herpetological Society. Your friend Mr. Poe called me to come and retrieve the snakes now that Dr. Montgomery has passed on. 'Retrieve' means 'take away.'" "We know what the word 'retrieve' means," Klaus said, "but why are you taking them? Where are they going?" "Well, you three are the orphans, right? You'll be moving on to some other relative who won't die on you like Montgomery did. And these snakes need to be taken care of, so we're giving them away to other scientists, zoos, and retirement homes. Those we can't find homes for we'll have put to sleep." "But they're Uncle Monty's collection!" Klaus cried. "It took him years to find all these reptiles! You can't just scatter them to the winds!" "It's the way it has to be," Bruce said smoothly. He was still talking in a very loud voice, for no apparent reason. "Viper!" Sunny shouted, and began to crawl toward the Reptile Room. "What my sister means," Violet explained, "is that she's very close friends with one of the snakes. Could we take just one with us-the Incredibly Deadly Viper?" "First off, no, " Bruce said. "That guy Poe said all the snakes now belong to us. And second off, if you think I'm going to let small children near the Incredibly Deadly Viper, think again." "But the Incredibly Deadly Viper is harmless," Violet said. "Its name is a misnomer." Bruce scratched his head. "A what?" "That means 'a wrong name,'" Klaus explained. "Uncle Monty discovered it, so he got to name it." "But this guy was supposed to be brilliant," Bruce said. He reached into a pocket in his plaid jacket and pulled out a cigar. "Giving a snake a wrong name doesn't sound brilliant to me. It sounds idiotic. But then, what can you expect from a man whose own name was Montgomery Montgomery?" "It is not nice," Klaus said, "to lampoon someone's name like that." "I don't have time to ask you what 'lampoon' means," Bruce said. "But if the baby here wants to wave bye-bye to the Incredibly Deadly Viper, she'd better do it soon. It's already outside." Sunny began to crawl toward the front door, but Klaus was not through talking to Bruce. "Our Uncle Monty was brilliant," he said firmly. "He was a brilliant man," Violet agreed, "and we will always remember him as such." "Brilliant!" Sunny shrieked, in mid-crawl, and her siblings smiled down at her, surprised she had uttered a word that everyone could understand. Bruce lit his cigar and blew smoke into the air, then shrugged. "It's nice you feel that way, kid," he said. "Good luck wherever they put you." He looked at a shiny diamond watch on his wrist, and turned to talk to the men in overalls. "Let's get a move on. In five minutes we have to be back on that road that smells like ginger." "It's horseradish" Violet corrected, but Bruce had already walked away. She and Klaus looked at each other, and then began following Sunny outside to wave good-bye to their reptile friends. But as they reached the door, Mr. Poe walked into the room and blocked them again. "I see you're awake," he said. "Please go upstairs and go to sleep, then. We have to get up very early in the morning." "We just want to say good-bye to the snakes," Klaus said, but Mr. Poe shook his head. "You'll get in Bruce's way," he replied. "Plus, I would think you three would never want to see a snake again." The Baudelaire orphans looked at one another and sighed. Everything in the world seemed wrong. It was wrong that Uncle Monty was dead. It was wrong that Count Olaf and the hook-handed man had escaped. It was wrong for Bruce to think of Monty as a person with a silly name, instead of a brilliant scientist. And it was wrong to assume that the children never wanted to see a snake again. The snakes, and indeed everything in the Reptile Room, were the last reminders the Baudelaires had of the few happy days they'd spent there at the house-the few happy days they'd had since their parents had perished. Even though they understood that Mr. Poe wouldn't let them live alone with the reptiles, it was all wrong never to see them again, without even saying good-bye. Ignoring Mr. Poe's instructions, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny rushed out the front door where the men in overalls were loading the cages into a van with "Herpetological Society" written on the back. It was a full moon, and the moonlight reflected off the glass walls of the Reptile Room as though it were a large jewel with a bright, bright shine-brilliant, one might say. When Bruce had used the word "brilliant" about Uncle Monty, he meant "having a reputation for cleverness or intelligence." But when the children used the word-and when they thought of it now, staring at the Reptile Room glowing in the moonlight-it meant more than that. It meant that even in the bleak circumstances of their current situation, even throughout the series of unfortunate events that would happen to them for the rest of their lives, Uncle Monty and his kindness would shine in their memories. Uncle Monty was brilliant, and their time with him was brilliant. Bruce and his men from the Herpetological Society could dismantle Uncle Monty's collection, but nobody could ever dismantle the way the Baudelaires would think of him. "Good-bye, good-bye!" the Baudelaire orphans called, as the Incredibly Deadly Viper was loaded into the truck. "Good-bye, good-bye!" they called, and even though the Viper was Sunny's special friend, Violet and Klaus found themselves crying along with their sister, and when the Incredibly Deadly Viper looked up to see them, they saw that it was crying too, tiny shiny tears falling from its green eyes. The Viper was brilliant, too, and as the children looked at one another, they saw their own tears and the way they shone. "You're brilliant," Violet murmured to Klaus, "reading up on the Mamba du Mal." "You're brilliant," Klaus murmured back, "getting the evidence out of Stephano's suitcase." "Brilliant!" Sunny said again, and Violet and Klaus gave their baby sister a hug. Even the youngest Baudelaire was brilliant, for distracting the adults with the Incredibly Deadly Viper. "Good-bye, good-bye!" the brilliant Baudelaires called, and waved to Uncle Monty's reptiles. They stood together in the moonlight, and kept waving, even when Bruce shut the doors of the van, even as the van drove past the snake-shaped hedges and down the driveway to Lousy Lane, and even when it turned a corner and disappeared into the dark.