A Smidgen of Sky (13 page)

“The car's registered to a Nathaniel Markham.”

“Who's that?” Ginger said. “The guy we met said his name was Lyn.” She looked at me. “Right, Piper Lee?”

“Well, yeah,” I said, but I wasn't so sure what I knew anymore.

Ben sighed. He ran a hand through his hair. “Listen, you two,” he said, slowing his words down as if he were talking to five-year-olds. “It means his name isn't Lyn. His name is Nathaniel Markham. He didn't want you to know his real name 'cause he was pulling the wool over your eyes. He told you he knew something about your dad, Piper Lee, so you'd agree to meet with him. And the reason he took off like he did is on account of me showin' up.”

Mama stood and started to pace. “Do you have any idea what could have happened to you girls? Any idea at all?”

Ben reached out to put an arm around her as she started her third lap around the room. She stunned all of us by slapping his hands away. “How could you leave the girls alone with a strange man?”

Ben's eyes sparked with surprise. “I didn't leave 'em alone with anybody, Heather.”

“But you weren't there when this . . . this Lyn showed up. Were you?”

“I was at the auto-parts store.”

“That's what I mean. You left them alone.”

“I wasn't gone more than twenty minutes at most.” Ben shook his head. “I'm sorry, Heather. You know I'd have never left 'em if I'd had a clue as to what was going on.”    “But how could they plan something like this and you not know anything about it?”

Ben turned his palms up. “Now, that's a real good question. But I think you're askin' the wrong person.”

Mama glanced over at me and I tried my best to look innocent. I had no idea why her anger had turned from me to Ben as fast as you'd toss a hot potato, but I figured I'd better take advantage while I could. My wide-eyed look must've worked, because Mama whirled back on Ben. “But you're the adult!” she cried.

“That don't make me a mind reader.”

“I don't expect you to be a mind reader. But I do expect you to know what's going on when I leave Piper Lee with you.”

“I didn't have reason to suspect anything was going on, Heather. Did you?”

“Well, maybe if you'd been paying more attention instead of worrying so much about your car, you would've noticed.”

Ben studied her through narrowed eyes. The muscle in his jaw started flexing back and forth. “I wasn't worried about my car in the least,” he said, his words slow and deliberate. “The girls asked if they could look around at the library for a bit, so I figured it'd be a good time to run and grab some carburetor fluid. You're making me out to be the bad guy here, and I don't see how I did anything wrong.”

“But think what could've happened. What if you'd been gone even five minutes longer?”

“What's the point in letting your imagination worry you 'bout something that never happened?”

“Don't you tell me what to worry about.” Mama's voice was rising.

Ben sighed. He cleared his throat. “All right, now,” he said. “You got a right to be scared. I guess you even got some right to be mad at me. But you're working yourself up into a lather for nothin'.”

Mama crossed her arms. She gave Ben a good long glare before turning to me. “Piper Lee, you and Ginger go to your room for a few minutes and give us a chance to talk.”

Ginger and I glanced at each other and then at Mama. Ginger probably looked at her daddy, too. But I didn't. I was too scared to look at Ben.

Ginger followed me to my bedroom and nudged the door shut with her foot. She dropped down onto the bed next to Mowgli and flicked his ear with her finger. He opened sleepy eyes and gave her an evil stare.

“Better watch it,” I warned. “You'll make him mad.”

She shrugged. “Everybody else is.”

I couldn't argue with that one. I slumped across the foot of the bed, letting my top half hang down, the blood running to my head. I'd never expected Mama to end up more upset with Ben than with me. For a few minutes I'd been thankful, even happy. But now I felt more guilty than glad, and my heart was pulsing hard enough for me to feel the beats.

“They've never fought like this,” Ginger said.

“I know.”

“I hate it. It makes my stomach ache.”

“Yeah,” I said.

With the door closed and the fan humming, I couldn't make out exactly what was being said, but there was a whole lot of hurt leaking through the walls. Listening to it did more than make my belly ache. It made me want to cry.

Finally, after what seemed like a whole month, the bedroom door swung open and Ben said, “Ginger, let's go.”

Ginger popped up like a jack-in-the-box without even a look at me. A few seconds later there came the slam of the apartment door . . . and then silence.

I crept out of my room and peeked into the living room. At first I didn't see Mama, but then I caught a glimpse of her green tank top at the kitchen window. She stood with her back to me, her forehead against the glass, her arms pulled tightly across her front. I'd never seen someone look so wilted and still be on her feet.

“Mama?” I said. “You all right?”

She didn't turn around, but she raised her head. Then she fumbled with a tissue and blew her nose two times, hard, before turning to face me. Her eyes seemed shrunk up and her cheeks were a lot redder than normal. “Oh, Piper Lee,” she said. “Do you know what could've happened to you?”

“I wouldn't have gone anywhere with him, Mama. I'm not that dumb. I just wanted to find out what he knew about Daddy, is all.”

“Why didn't you tell me what you were doing?”

I thought that was a pretty silly question. “'Cause I didn't figure you'd let me talk with a stranger.”

Mama crossed her arms. “So how did you know you'd be able to get to the library to meet with him?”

“I didn't. Ben wanted to work on his car. He only took us 'cause Ginger and I told him I had some overdue books.”

“So you lied to him?”

“I had to.”

“No, you didn't have to. You chose to.”

“Yes, ma'am.”

Mama shook her head and took a trembly breath. “You know what I really want to know, Piper Lee? I wanna know just how you found that Real Investigations website.”

My heart sank. “How I found it?”

“Yes. And there's no need for you to repeat my questions.”

“It was just a pop-up.”

“And where exactly were you when it popped up?”

It felt awful to have Mama glare at me that way. It hurt, just like a bright spotlight hurts your eyes. I didn't know what to do or say. I swallowed, and even that hurt, because my throat was as rough and cracked as old pavement. I started to cry.

Mama didn't say a word. She didn't move a muscle. She just stood there and studied me. After a while she stepped across to the box of tissues on the kitchen counter, brought one over to me, and said, “Well?”

I blew my nose, and then I said, “I was trying to find Tina's phone number for Ginger.”

Mama's only response was to flinch. But there was something heartbreaking in that little jump.

“Sometimes Ginger talked about her mama,” I said. “She always wondered why she left and where she was now, so I thought, I just thought . . . if I could find the number . . .”

“So that's how Tina found out about the wedding.” Mama gazed up at the ceiling. Then she walked out to the living room, dropped down onto the couch, and buried her face in her hands.

My heart cramped. I grabbed the box of tissues and ran to sit beside her. “I'm sorry, Mama,” I whispered. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”

Mama cried into her hands for an eternity, her shoulders shaking up and down. And I sat there and cried with her, because what else was there for me to do?

Finally, Mama raised her head, yanked another tissue from the box, and turned to me. “Piper Lee, do you honestly think you're the only person in this world who matters?”

With all my heart I wanted to say no. But I couldn't get my tongue to form even a little word like that one.

Mama shook her head and shuddered. Then she took hold of my chin. “Now, you listen up, Piper Lee. You listen up good, because I've had enough. The Good Book says there's a time for everything, even a time to let go of things. And this is the time to let go of your daddy once and for all. So you let go of all that sadness and all that anger and whatever else you got inside of you. You hear me? You pull it all outta there and you let it go for good, just like I had to. Because your daddy's gone and he's not coming back and I can't take this anymore.”

Mama released my chin and her shoulders drooped. I tried to make sense of what she'd said, especially that part about being angry. “You were mad at Daddy?” I asked.

“You bet I was mad. He's the one who made the decision to go out in the storm that day. He's the one who broke every safety rule he'd ever been taught.”

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Deep down, I'd always felt angry at Daddy for leaving us the way he had. But I'd thought I had no right. And I'd thought it was just me. Everything seemed still. Like the room, even the whole building, was holding its breath.

“Anyway,” Mama said, her voice quiet. “After a while I realized that the same traits that made your daddy go out that day were the traits that made me love him so. And I knew I had to forgive him and move on. 'Cause when someone you love dies, it's your job to keep on living. That doesn't mean forgetting. He'll always be in my heart, and yours, too. But you gotta let go now. You hear?”

I nodded and grabbed another tissue. “I'm real sorry I made you and Ben fight. When are you gonna tell him about what I did with Tina?”

Mama gave a little shrug. “I'm not sure,” she said. “We've decided it might be best to stop seeing each other.”

I nearly came right up off the couch. “W-what?”

Mama looked at me with sad, heavy eyes. “Well,” she said softly, “it's what you wanted . . . isn't it?”

 

I
WAS STRUCK
still. With all the time I'd spent thinking about Mama and Ben breaking up, never once had I stopped to guess what it might actually feel like. And it felt as though I'd stepped off a cliff into a deep, black hole.

Mama pushed herself up from the couch. “I'm goin' to bed,” she said.

It was all I could do to breathe as she shuffled across the rug to her bedroom and clicked the door shut behind her. It was only seven thirty.

Fresh tears overflowed and ran down my cheeks. I shook my head even though there wasn't anybody to shake it at. Nothing felt right. Not in all my ten years had Mama gone to bed before me. I always went first. And then she'd come in and pat my head and kiss me and tell me she loved me.

My mind slipped from Mama to Ben to Ginger to Lyn to Daddy in a circle that spun round and round and round again, until I felt as if I might throw up. Finally, I couldn't stand it a second longer.

I tiptoed to Mama's bedroom door and opened it a crack. There was enough light for me to see her curled on her side, a lonely hump under her navy blue sheet.

I went and kneeled on the floor next to her, and she opened her eyes. “Mama,” I whispered. “You gotta talk to Ben. You gotta tell him this is all my fault and not his. Then he won't be mad at you anymore and everything will be okay.”

“It's not that simple. Not for grownups.”

“Then tell me how to fix things. Tell me what to do.”

Mama sighed. “Mistakes are tricky things, Piper Lee. Sometimes they're easy to fix. But sometimes there's nothing you can do.”

I'd thought I was all cried out, but the tears sprang up again. “No,” I said. “There's gotta be a way to fix things. You just have to help me figure it out.”

Mama closed her eyes. “I don't wanna talk right now, Piper Lee. Just go on to bed and get some rest. Tomorrow's another day.”

So I went to bed, but I sure didn't get any rest. I cuddled beside Mowgli, with the sheet pulled over my head and my mind twirling like a Ferris wheel.

I thought about Daddy. I
did
feel angry at him for dying. But hearing Mama admit she'd felt the same way was a relief. And I thought about Lyn, about who he really was. It gave me goose bumps, lying there in the dark, and I was real glad I'd agreed to meet him at the library and not given out my home address.

I remembered how excited I'd been when I'd stumbled onto the Real Investigations website. But I hadn't heard from a single person who knew anything about Daddy. Except, of course, for Lyn, who really didn't know anything about him either. And I had to admit, deep inside, that what Mama had been telling me all along was probably right. That Daddy really, truly was gone.

And the longer I thought about it, the madder I got, because it really had been Daddy's decision to go up that day. And I felt myself start to let him slip away. And I cried some more. And when my anger finally cried itself out, and I thought just maybe I'd be able to sleep, I threw back the sheet instead. Because I knew it was up to me to fix things for Mama.