A Soldier's Story (10 page)

       It didn't make any difference, of course. It would take more than a few drugs to destroy his feelings for Darren.

       What about murder though? The little voice demanded. Are you forgetting about poor Private Forbes? He must have been going to blow the whistle on the drug runners. No wonder he never made it to your little rendezvous at the Castle, and ended up dead on the docks.

       Jay couldn't believe that Darren would have anything to do with that. Didn't want to, of course.

       "Have you any idea what happened to Private Forbes," he asked.

       "No, I swear, I haven't been in touch with any of the missing squad members since I left Afghanistan."

       "Do you think he met with foul play? That somebody shut him up before he spilled the proverbial beans about the drugs?"

       "It's possible, certainly. But I tend to rule it out. I think Forbes got cold feet at the last minute about talking to you, and drifted into a bar instead."

       "I daresay, we'll never know." Jay felt satisfied that Darren had no part in it either way.

       After the movers left, he had a last look around. His cell buzzed.

       Darren!

       "Look I know this is one helluva time to drop this on you," he said. "But I lacked the courage before. I was afraid of losing you. Now it's eating me up." He paused. "We can't begin our life together with dark secrets."

       Jay didn't like the sound of that at all. Surely there wasn't more criminal activity in Darren's past? Or worse, maybe he had another lover, or many of them? He suggested as much.

       "Oh no, man, you should know me better than that. There hasn't been anyone, I swear it."

       Jay exhaled again. "What then?"

       "I sent the letter."

       "You what…?" It took several minutes for it to sink in. "Oh my God…"

       I told you didn't I screamed the little voice. Cindy didn't break up your marriage. She was innocent!

       Skaters weaved around on the frozen Rideau Canal. The Parliament buildings, frosty with snow, stood on the horizon.

       "I'm out of practice." Jay laughed and struggled for balance.

       Darren grabbed a hold of him. "You need a coffee break," he said.

       "You can say that again. I'm freezing." He wound the scarf closer around his neck. "This is brass monkey weather."

       "Aw, don't tell me your beautiful balls are suffering." Darren laughed. "Remind me when we get home. I'll thaw them out."

       "That sounds exciting. I'll hold you to it."

       The coffee shop smelt of freshly baked cinnamon buns. "Mmm…can I tempt you?" Jay asked.

       "You won't have to work very hard at it." Darren smiled.

       The early winter twilight descended rapidly. The sky darkened and dozens of stars came out to play. Jay gazed up at it through a domed window. He had no regrets about coming here. He'd never been so happy, so…complete. It was right with Darren, magnificently so. Now if only the weather wasn't so brutal…

       There was also his reluctance to announce to the world that he and Darren were lovers. Oh sure they were living together––sharing an apartment––but straight people did that all the time. He had even insisted that they both have female friends––sans nookie, of course–– just to make their situation seem entirely normal. After all, it wouldn't do their army careers––and they'd both decided to stay on for a while– –any good, if they flaunted their relationship.

       Darren had surprised him by being supportive of the idea. "Sure," he had said. "I don't particularly want to broadcast my private life to all and sundry either."

       The waitress brought their order and gave Jay a come hither smile. He smiled back. Would he like to fuck her? Sure, why not. But he wouldn't, because of his commitment to Darren. It pleased him though to know he still fancied woman and they reciprocated. Making him bisexual instead of homosexual. Unlike Darren, who had never had any desire to be with a woman, at all.

       "There was never any confusion about my sexuality," he had confided.

       Yet he didn't look in the least bit gay. Nor did he act it. No one would ever guess. Jay drank his coffee. It just went to show that you couldn't always tell.

       "I hate to bring this up again," Darren said, lowering his voice, although there was no one close enough to hear. "But I just can't help shuddering every time I think about that accursed letter."

       "The letter." Jay smiled.

       "None other." Darren finished the cinnamon bun and licked his sticky fingers. "I never thought in a million Sundays you'd suspect someone else of sending it."

       Jay looked reflective. "Man, I was pretty convinced. Everything seemed to point to Cindy. I never for a moment considered anyone else, especially not you."

       "So you decided to kill her."

       "I was in torment. Half out of my mind with booze and rage."

       Darren nodded. "It was one helluva rough time." He toyed with a teaspoon. "Don't worry, no one will ever find out."

       They ordered more coffee and drank it in companionable silence. "We should be getting home now." Jay glanced at the time. "There's a roast in the oven, remember?"

       The streets lay hushed under a powdery mantle of snow. On the corner, a group of carollers stamped their feet to keep warm and sang Silent Night.

       "Can you imagine," Darren said, "if you hadn't come to your senses in time?"

       Jay nodded. "I couldn't have lived with myself. Not after finding out Cindy didn't send the letter."

       The little voice wouldn't have given him a moment's peace. It would have screamed murderer into his tortured mind, both day and night. The only way to silence it would have been to kill it. And that could only be accomplished with a bullet to his own head.

       He recalled how he had waited for Cindy to come out of Razor's. Rage inflamed by whiskey, blinding him to reason.

       You surely don't really intend to kill her? The little voice had sounded incredulous. Sending an anonymous letter is hardly a capital offence. You did rape her in front of an audience remember? It was payback time. Besides, it couldn't have broken up a marriage not already on the skids.

       He had to admit it had a point. He had focused all his rage on Cindy and made her the scapegoat. He lit a cigarette. But she does deserve a damned good shaking up, he insisted.

       Let it go, Jay. It'll only get you into a pile of shit, and for what? The damage has already been done. It might even turn out that she did you a favour. It giggled. Cleared the way for life with Darren…

       The relief when he no longer intended to confront Cindy released the tension that knotted his muscles and twisted his mind. The little voice, so long considered a nemesis, had come to his aid in the nick of time. It had saved him from himself. He felt like a wrung out dishrag. He rammed his head down on the steering wheel and wept, acknowledged for the first time what he had done to Cindy had indeed been rape. She had said no, hadn't she? What a bastard he had been. Drunk and crazy out of his mind, of course, but that was no excuse.

       It had been much the same degree of release he experienced afterwards, when truly yielding to Darren, for the first time. With moonlight trailing in the window and casting silver shadows on the bed, he had gone down on all fours and bared his buttocks.

       "Fuck me," he said.

       "Are you sure?"

       "Absolutely. It's time."

       He squeezed his eyes shut to better savour the sensations as Darren tongued his anus and then smeared it with Vaseline. Fondled his cock and balls, and finger fucked him for a while.

       "Great," Jay breathed.

        When Darren stroked his prostate he thought he'd go off on the spot as he veered precariously close to orgasm. "I won't last like that," he gasped.

       "That's okay, don't hold back."

       "Oh God…" The contractions were violent and pumped on and on.

       When Darren finally penetrated him with his cock, the sensations felt indescribable. Exquisite. Jay moaned and met his thrusts. He was being well and truly fucked by another guy and what's more, he loved it. Felt no shame. Couldn't get enough. Cried out at the moment of ecstasy when Darren's cum shot over his bowels. Divine!

       "Any regrets?" Darren asked, once the eroticism of the act had culminated in a massive orgasm.

       "Only that I didn't do it sooner," he said.

       As if from a long way off he heard Darren ask, "Have you got any change?" Felt him shake his arm.

       "…I…"

"Man you were far away."

       Jay looked askance at him. "Yep, I guess I was." He rummaged in his pockets, fished out some quarters. "What do you want it for anyway?"

       "The carol singers."

       "Oh yeah, of course."

       All is calm, all is bright….

Often described by reviewers as "shocking," Iona Blair's erotic novels and stories have been published worldwide. She lives in an old converted lighthouse on the Pacific Coast where her thoughts run as wild as the

weather.