A Tale of Two Tails (13 page)

1. Ryan Shimozato brought in his parakeet named Larry, who stood on a ping-pong ball and rolled it almost the length of a ping-pong table, at which time Larry was so exhausted he fell off on his side and Ryan had to give him parakeet CPR. Just imagine Ryan blowing into Larry's beak. It was awesome to see.

2. Joelle Atkins dressed up her cat to look like a leopard in a leotard she painted. Joelle claimed that her cat could dial home on her cell phone. But instead, the cat pawed in the number for Miller's Dry Cleaners and caused Mr. Miller to burn a hole right through a white dress shirt he was pressing.

3. Salvatore Mendez brought in his snake and we watched it curl around his arm like an Egyptian bracelet. When Principal Love asked him what the trick was, he said, “Hey, my snake just turned into jewelry.”

4. Chelsea Byrd brought in her algae-eater fish in a cloudy tank, and announced in her really shy voice that her fish, Suckerface, could eat all the algae and clear the water up. Principal Love told her that we didn't have time for that, since we were still waiting for Fritz the Slug to finish sliming his
p
.

5. The last trick was when Emily and Robert took Katherine out of her cage and . . . no, wait. What Katherine did doesn't deserve to be on a list. It should get a chapter of its own.

Now, you know me.

I'm not a big fan of the reptile world, and most especially, not of one particular reptile that happens to live in the room next to mine. But you have to give credit where credit is due. And let me tell you, that hissing scaleball Katherine blew the roof off the multipurpose room.

The performance started with Emily giving a brief history of the iguana. Well, you know Emily. It wasn't brief, but it was thorough. She told way more about iguana life than everyone in the whole continent of North America would want to know. Then Robert, wearing his best clip-on tie (don't tell him, but it had some egg yolk dribbles on it from breakfast), opened Katherine's cage and placed her in the center of the stage. She opened her mouth and let out a hiss, which silenced the room quickly.

I had already seen the first part of her trick, where she balanced a grape on her snout with a Q-tip baton on top of the grape. But what I had never seen was her twirling the baton in her front claw while walking backward on her hind legs, as if she were a real drum majorette.

When she did that, the audience went wild. They erupted in applause and shouts, and I have to tell you, I was right there with them.

“Bravo, Katherine,” I yelled.

I looked at Emily and Robert and they had identical smiles on their faces. They were so proud, they were grinning maniacs. And you know what? She's my sister, and I was proud, too.

Katherine was the last contestant, and it's a good thing. Who would want to follow that trick? No one, that's who.

We all waited quietly while the judges came up with their decision. Ms. Adolf and Mrs. McMurray huddled in the corner talking, while Randolf Bartholomew Irving Adolf kept trying to pull Ms. Adolf over to Cheerio. I think old Randolf wanted to be best friends with Cheerio, and I can't really blame him, because Cheerio is an extremely likeable little fellow. Likeable and tough, of course. I mean, he really took care of business when he taught that annoying Fang a thing or two. To tell you the truth, I didn't know he had it in him.

It didn't take them long to come up with their decision.

Ms. Adolf walked to the microphone with Mrs. McMurray beside her. She tapped the microphone to make sure the power was still on. It sounded like a clap of thunder.

“Pupils,” she began. “Mrs. McMurray and I were most impressed with all the animal contestants except for the unfortunate tail-biting incident involving a certain disobedient Chihuahua. We now have our decision.”

“Wait a minute,” Luke Whitman called out from where he was kneeling next to Fritz. “My slug is so close to being finished.”

“For our purposes, consider him finished,” Ms. Adolf said. “We are out of time.”

Poor Luke Whitman looked really disappointed, but he managed to cheer himself up by jamming his index finger up into his nose. That always works for Luke.

“Our first runner-up, and the pet who will be mascot should the winner be unable to fulfill its duties, is Ryan Shimozato's ping-pong-ball walking parakeet, Larry. Congratulations, Ryan and Larry.”

The audience applauded, and everyone who could let out a bird whistle. Not to brag, but mine happens to be really great, so I let it fly, so to speak. All the while, I kept thinking,
Cheerio still has a chance
.

Ms. Adolf waited until the whistling was over, and then leaned into the microphone.

“The winner,” she said with great drama, “and PS 87's new mascot for the next school year is . . .”

I looked at Frankie and Ashley and Mason. I could see that all three of them had their fingers crossed.

“Katherine . . . the wonderful, baton-twirling iguana entered by Emily Zipzer and Robert Upchurch.”

Everyone burst into applause, and although I was disappointed for Cheerio, I had to applaud, too. I mean, Katherine
was
awesome.

While the audience went nuts, the strangest thing happened onstage. Emily grabbed Robert, threw her arms around him, started jumping up and down, and planted a big kiss on his cheek. Right in front of everyone. Like we weren't looking.

“Emily Zipzer,” Ms. Adolf said into the microphone. “Control yourself. There are no public displays of affection inside the walls of PS 87.”

I looked over at Frankie and Ashley, and they just shrugged as if to say, “Hey, we did our best.” But poor Mason looked really sad, which I could understand because having been a little kid myself, I know they don't like to lose. He slid off his chair onto the floor, put one arm around Cheerio, and scratched him behind his ear.

“You were so good at sitting,” Mason said to him. “You're a good dog.”

Mrs. McMurray tapped on the microphone and said, “Boys and girls, we do have one more important announcement.”

Everyone quieted down to hear what it was.

“Under the circumstances,” she said, “we felt that Cheerio Zipzer handled himself extremely well. Even though Fang didn't keep his teeth to himself, Cheerio was respectful and restrained. He did not engage in a fight, and he showed consideration of another dog's feelings. As a result, we would like to confer on him the special award of Mr. Congeniality.”

Mason shot up like a jack-in-the-box and started to yell, with his arms waving in the air.

“Cheerio is the best!” he chanted. “Cheerio is the best!”

Suddenly, he stopped yelling.

“What's Mr. Congeniality?” he said to Frankie.

“It means Cheerio is the friendliest, sweetest, nicest pet in the contest,” Frankie said.

“Oh,” Mason said. “Why didn't they just say that?”

Then he started jumping up and down again, yelling, “Cheerio is the best! Cheerio is the best!”

I couldn't resist. I ran out of the stands, charged up to Team Cheerio, and we all high-fived one another. We had to bend down a little so Mason could get in on the high-fiving.

And on his own, Cheerio walked right up to Katherine and gave her a big, wet lick right across her snout.

The thing is, when you kiss an iguana, there are a lot of scales involved, and Cheerio did spend the next ten minutes spitting them out. But he didn't seem to mind. He just yipped and yapped and wagged his tail and licked everything that didn't lick him first.

He was one happy dog.

I guess that's the way it goes when you're Mr. Congeniality.

HENRY WINKLER is an actor, producer, director, coauthor, public speaker, husband, father, brother, uncle, and godfather. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Stacey. They have three children named Jed, Zoe, and Max, and three dogs named Monty, Charlotte, and Linus. He is so proud of the Hank Zipzer series that he could scream—which he does sometimes, in his backyard!

If you gave him two words to describe how he feels about the Hank Zipzer series, he would say: “I am thrilled that Lin Oliver is my partner and we write all these books together.” Yes, you're right, that was sixteen words. But, hey! He's got learning challenges.

 

LIN OLIVER is a writer and producer of movies, books, and television series for children and families. She has created over one hundred episodes of television, four movies, and over twelve books. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Alan. They have three sons named Theo, Ollie, and Cole, and a very adorable but badly behaved puppy named Dexter.

If you gave her two words to describe this book, she would say “funny and compassionate.” If you asked her what compassionate meant, she would say “full of kindness.” She would not make you look it up in the dictionary.