A Thin Line (45 page)

“What?” The two other women asked simultaneously.

“Oh, no, he didn’t blame me, but it is my fault nonetheless.
 
Then I was attacked in the park and one of our maids has been murdered.
 
He wants to blame Justin for all of it and gets angry when I argue against his being guilty.
 
Then we found out that Justin and Clarissa left town together, and we had a fight about that.”

“Whatever for?” Dru asked.
 

“Because I’m not Clarissa Blackerby.
 
I’m not the ideal duchess.
 
I’m not sweet and biddable as she is.
 
Bloody hell, I’m not even the ideal wife for a lesser son of a duke.”

“And he said all this?”

“When I confronted him.
 
But now he is stuck with me, because he won’t bring more shame to the family name by seeking a divorce, and we can’t have an annulment.
 
And the stress is making me sick.
 
I stayed in bed all day yesterday, sick.”

“Mikala, have you stopped to consider that perhaps Gabriel is glad that society’s dictates forced him into a marriage with you.
 
That perhaps he has cared for you for a long time, but felt he could not marry you.”

“But he doesn’t love me.”

“And you love him,” Tessa surmised.

“I always have.”
 
The tears started once more.
 
“I never used to cry and now it seems I am always on the verge.
 
I don’t want to be married to him if I am this miserable all the time.”

“Have you told him you love him?” Dru asked.

“And have him look at me with this horrified look on his face because he can’t say the words back?
 
No.”
 
All of a sudden, her stomach churned sickeningly and she frantically looked around the room.

“Chamber pot!” Dru exclaimed.
 
Before she knew what had happened, Mikala lay over the side of the tub, retching.
 
Then she collapsed back against the tub once more.
 
Dru handed her a washcloth and Kala mopped her face.

“See what this is doing to me?
 
I’m never sick.
 
And now it hits me at the most random times.
 
I think I’ve been hit in the head one too many times.”

“Perhaps,” her aunt said.
 
“Mikala, how long have you and Gabe been intimate?”

“Since our wedding night.
 
A little over two months.”

“Has he done anything to prevent pregnancy?”

“Yes, I insisted.”

“Every time?”
 

“No, not that first night.”
 
Mikala lay in the cooling water as she thought about what Dru said.
 
“You think I’m going to have a baby?”

“I think it is a possibility.
 
How long since your last courses?”

Her eyes widened as she realized she hadn’t had them since shortly before her marriage.
 
“No.
 
It can’t be.
 
I’m not ready to have a baby.
 
I don’t know how to deal with babies.
 
And look at Gabe and me.
 
We fight more often than not.
 
A baby should not be born into that.”

“Calm down,” Tessa said.
 
“We can learn together.
 
And maybe it is just stress.”

“You’re having a baby?” Mikala asked.

“Yes.”

“And you can come and help me with mine to get practice,” Dru reminded her.

“No one can tell Gabe until I am certain.
 
I could just be sick right?
 
Or stress?”
 
She heard the other two mumble their agreement, but they didn’t sound very supportive.

“Please, let it be stress,” she prayed.

 
***

Gabe drove the horse and buggy into the stables and dismissed the stable hands that would have unhitched the horse and put it away so that he could do it himself.
 
He needed to expel pent up energy.
 
He had begun to groom the horse when he heard two familiar throats clearing.
 
Gabe paused, rested his head against the horse’s flank, and counted to twenty before starting the grooming process once more.

“Our wives sent us out here,” Richard spoke up first.
 
Silence.

“My sister could cause a saint to lose patience.”
 
Silence.
 
“Maybe you should just send her to the country and forget about her.
 
I am sure something could be done about the marriage.
 
Then we can pawn her off on someone who doesn’t mind getting used goods.”
 
Derek thought himself prepared for Gabe’s reaction, but still found himself pinned to the floor.

“No one, but me.
 
Do you understand?
 
Not Southerby.
 
Not Dewhurst.
 
Not McKenzie.
 
She’s mine!” Gabe growled.

“I thought you boys had grown out of this,” another male voice intruded causing Derek and Gabe to separate and look sheepish.
 
“I am sure neither of your wives would appreciate you having a black eye for the holiday.
 
Son, take care of the horse while my new son-in-law and I have a talk.
 
Now, Gabriel, why don’t you tell me why my daughter is crying.”

Defeated, Gabe shrugged his shoulders and remained sitting on the floor of the barn.
 
“I can’t seem to make her happy, Mr. Simmons.
 
I want her to be happy.
 
I want us to be happy, but I don’t know what to do.”
 

“Have you told her you love her?”

“No.”

“You do know she has been in love with you for years?”

“I suspected.”

“Do you love her?”

“I want to.”

“But do you?”

“I care for her.
 
I want to protect her.”

“But do you
love
her?”

“How would I even know what that is, sir?
 
My parents didn’t love each other.
 
My father loved someone he wasn’t allowed to be with.
 
My grandparents loved each other, but my grandfather was gone by the time I was born.
 
My grandmother loves me and I her, but that is different.
 
How do I know what love is between a husband and a wife?”

“Well, son, it’s more than just tupping her every night.”

“Papa!”

“Well, it is, but at the same time, that plays a part.
 
Can you keep your hands off her? You say you care for her.
 
You want to protect her.
 
What happens when another man looks at her?
 
Do you care?
 
What if something were to happen to her, and she was taken from you forever?
 
What would you do?”

“We fight all the time.”

“Do you make up?”

“Yes,” Gabe said, turning red in embarrassment.

“Do you tell each other you are sorry?”

“Rarely.”

“Let me tell you something about my daughter.
 
Mikala is hard-headed and stubborn.
 
She knows what she wants, and she goes after it.
 
You boys allowed her to play with you, and taught her all the things you knew how to do.
 
You did her a disservice,” he raised his hand when Derek started to speak.
 
“I am glad she knows how to do all that, but she is considered an oddity and perhaps even a freak by other women, even her own mother and sister.
 
I love my daughter with all my heart, but there are others that do not know how to handle her.
 
Mikala needs to be allowed her freedom, but she also needs to know that someone loves her for who and what she is.
 
Don’t try and force her to become someone she can never be.”

“I don’t want to.”

“But she thinks you do.
 
I stopped by her room on my way down here and eavesdropped.
 
She is very insecure about your relationship with Clarissa Blackerby.
 
I hear it in her tone of voice.
 
She fears that you will regret marrying her because she is not perfect in your eyes.
 
Gabriel, her biggest fear is that you will find a mistress to love.
 
That you will turn to someone else and set her aside.”

“She said that?”

“No, I heard it in her voice and what she didn’t say.
 
Few know my daughter as well as I.
 
She fears that sometime in the future she will lose you to another woman.
 
A mistress, perhaps.
 
Someone that will meet that perfection you think you must have.”

“I would never do that to Mikala. Why, just the thought of her with someone else makes me angry enough to want to hurt them.
 
I would never put her in that situation.
 
I have told her she is what I want, that I am glad we were forced to marry.”

“Son, I will leave you with this thought.
 
You better decide soon whether or not you love her, because you stand a good chance of losing her forever.
 
She will only allow you so long to play with her heart before she seals it off for good.
 
I also would not use the word ‘forced’ when talking about marriage with her again.
 
And Gabriel, I know you will never take a mistress, because if you do, it is not my daughter you have to worry about.
 
I may be a tutor, but my father raised livestock and I do know how to castrate a sheep.
 
I imagine it wouldn’t be much different for a man.”
 
Michael Simmons stood up and clasped Gabe’s shoulder where he remained sitting on the floor.
 
“Welcome to the family, son.”

The three men watched the older man leave the stable and walk to the house, whistling.

“I never,” Derek said, shaking his head.

“Reminds me of the speech he gave me in regards to his baby sister,” Richard said, shifting uncomfortably.

“I always thought him mild-mannered,” Gabe said, shaken.

***

The visit passed quickly.
 
Gabe and Kala shared a room and a bed, but did not touch the entire time they were there.
 
Both had pressing matters they were attempting to work through in their minds.
 
Mikala played with the children and she noticed even Gabe paying attention to the older children.
 
Perhaps they could be good parents.
 
If only they could talk to one another without fighting all the time.

They were forgiven for not bringing presents, and enjoyed watching the children open theirs.
 
Tessa announced the impending arrival of her and Derek’s baby to the group.
 
Mikala watched enviously as her mother engulfed Tessa in her arms.
 
Why couldn’t her mother hug her openly like that?
 
Christmas afternoon, a light snowfall had begun and the children begged to go outside until Dru finally gave in.
 
The men took them outside while the women stayed inside.
 
Kala found herself itching to join the lively group and went to her room to retrieve a cloak.

She heard the door shut and saw her mother standing in front of the closed door, blocking her way.

“I was just going to go out with the children.”

“We need to talk first.”

“No, we don’t, Mother.”

“Yes, Mikala Ann Simmons, we most certainly do.”

“Hawke.”

“Pardon?”

“My name is now Mikala Ann Hawke.”

“So, it is.
 
Mikala Ann
Hawke
sit your rump down in that chair.
 
I have some things to say to you and you are going to listen.
 
First of all, I want you to know that I love you.
 
I don’t always know how to deal with you, but I love you.
 
I suspect I gave my mother similar fits growing up.
 
I was much like you, I climbed trees, rode horses.
 
Oh, Mother would get so angry with me.”

“I don’t understand.
 
Why didn’t you tell me this before?
 
Mother, I am twenty-five years old.
 
I knew you loved me, I just didn’t know that you
loved
me, if that makes any sense at all.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t tell you.
 
Stubborness.
 
Pride.
 
Perhaps, deep down, I wanted you to have the freedom to be whoever you turned out to be.
 
Mikala, I love you and am so proud of you.
 
Your father and I had a long talk last night.
 
Did you know he had a talk with Gabriel?”