A Total Waste of Makeup (30 page)

“Nice to meet you,” I say, holding out my left hand for him to shake.

I did this on purpose. That way, he had to break free from Andy’s hand to shake mine.

“Nice to meet you,” John says, breaking free from Andy just long enough to shake my hand, then taking her hand back. “You have a gorgeous sister.”

“Yes, I do,” I say. “She’s also an engaged sister. Did she mention that?”

“No. But the veil kind of gave it away,” John says cheerfully.

Shit. He knows she’s taken, and it’s a plus to him.

Men who chase married women, or women in a serious relationship, do so to avoid commitment. This is why, when you finally start dating someone after a long dry spell, suddenly the men come out of the woodwork.

Christina Aguilera’s “Dirrty” begins playing. “Oh, I love this song!” John says to Andy. “Dance with me!”

And he pulls her away.

A little after midnight, two of Andy’s friends had already left the club with men in tow, using the lame excuse that they were “so tired” and “needed to get back to the hotel.” I say this excuse is lame only because they were holding hands with guys they had met two hours before, and had already publicly kissed on the dance floor.

I mean, come on, is there a man on earth who’s really inviting you to his hotel to “just talk”? I mean, even if that’s all that happens, it sure as hell wasn’t his idea.

Anyway, the other girls are clearly making their nocturnal plans, so it’s time to call it a night. I make my way to the dance floor, where a very smashed Andy is falling all over John and telling him how gorgeous he is.

I peel her off of him ever so gently. “Come on, Cinderella. It’s after midnight. We have to go, or you’ll turn into a pumpkin.”

Andy falls onto my shoulder in a drunken stupor. “Oh, I’m having such a great time. Let’s stay a little longer.”

“No,” I say firmly. “Drew’s meeting us at one, remember? We need to leave. Now.”

“Oh.” Andy’s fuzzy little brain takes a second to process this information. Even wasted out of her mind, she knows who’s paying for this weekend of bacchanalia, and that he’s my boss to boot. She turns to John with sadness in her eyes. “She’s right. I’m really sorry. We’re meeting friends at Mandalay Bay. I gotta go.”

Andy tears herself away from John, takes off her veil, and begrudgingly follows me off the dance floor.

John follows her. He’s cheerful, upbeat, and not giving up so easily. “Wait,” he says, taking her hand. “Let me come with you.”

Andy looks over her shoulder at me, her eyes begging me to let him come with us.

I shake my head no.

“I don’t want you to leave your friends,” Andy tells John.

“Don’t be silly. I’ll bring a few of them along. My friend Bob’s getting along really well with your friend Deborah.”

I turn to follow John’s line of sight, and see Bob making out with Deborah.

Yeah—I’d say they’re getting along.

“Okay!” Andy says brightly, her face lighting up. “We’ll be at Red Square. Do you know where that is?”

“I do,” John says, and he’s glowing. He looks totally in love, and thrilled to be included in the rest of the night’s festivities.

How is it that men are so good at looking totally in love, when really they just want to get laid?

Anyway, I round up what is left of the girls, and we all head back to Red Square in the limousines.

John manages to snag a ride back with us, and was at least gracious enough to talk to Dawn, Kate, and me during the twenty-minute ride back.

“So,” John says to Dawn, “I’ve been meaning to ask you all night—are you an actress?”

Dawn squints her eyes suspiciously. “Why?”

“’Cuz you totally look like this babe on that show
Water Babies
. You know, Mike’s girlfriend. The one who dies.”

Man, did he ever make points with Dawn. She’ll never admit it, but Dawn loves being recognized. “That was me,” Dawn says, verbally warming up to him. “But that was over two years ago. How did you ever remember that?”

“Well, you’re very…” John clears his throat. “Well, you’re a very…attractive woman.”

Dawn smiles at him. “Where are you from again, John?”

“New Orleans. I’m just here for the weekend for my buddy Dan’s bachelor party.”

I cock my head. “Didn’t we meet Dan?” I ask.

“Um…yeah,” John says, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. “He went back to Mandalay Bay with your friend Jill.”

“Goddamn it!” Andy yells suddenly, startling everyone in the limo.

John’s voice softens, and he rubs her leg. “What’s wrong, darlin’?”

I know exactly what’s wrong. She’s pissed off that a bachelor is cheating on his future wife at this very moment. And with her friend, no less.

“It’s just that…” Andy begins angrily, but then changes her tack, her voice softening. “You know what? Nothing.” Andy leans her head on John’s chest, and he gently strokes her hair.

It’s a good thing she had three chaperones there, or that wouldn’t have been all he was stroking.

Ten minutes later, we’re back at Red Square. There are no chairs available at the bar, but there’s a table with a small couch and three chairs on the other side of the room.

We head to that side, and John snags the couch, immediately pulling Andy next to him. We take the chairs, and everyone waits for Andy’s other friends to show up.

Which they don’t. And neither do John’s friends.

Now, obviously, this is a covert action. No one’s supposed to come back to see Andy and John, because that would keep them from getting together. John’s friends are supposed to pretend they got lost getting back to the bar, and just went back to their hotel rooms.

In addition, John’s friends need to play wingman, and keep Andy’s friends from showing up by plying them with drinks, a late-night breakfast, gambling, sex—whatever it takes to keep them from showing up to rescue their girl, and keep her from doing something she might regret in the morning. And I guess they succeeded, because none of Andy’s other friends show up.

Not that it matters. I’ve never had a problem being the cock blocker.

The waitress comes and we order a round of drinks. Kate and I stick with champagne, Andy orders a Red Square martini, Dawn gets a dirty martini, and John gets a beer.

“Where is everyone?” Andy asks, standing up to scan the crowd.

John gently pulls her back down to the couch. “I’m sure they’ll be here soon,” he says flirtatiously, and it’s at that point that I’m positive no one else is coming.

John leans in to kiss Andy when Kate asks him point-blank, “So, what are your intentions?”

John stops in midair and turns to Kate, confused. “I’m sorry?”

“Well, you’re obviously about to make out with a woman who’s getting married next week. Making out with her is going to seriously mess up her head during what should be one of the happiest weeks of her life. I’m just wondering…are you going to call her all weekend, then blow her off? Or is tonight a one-night stand?”

Kate asked the question liked the interviewer she is—with not a trace of bitterness or judgment—just a genuine curiosity for the truth.

John and Andy both look at her, stunned.

The waitress walks up with our drinks. As she puts them down, John pulls away from Andy and takes out his wallet to buy the round.

“Put that away. Your money’s no good here,” I hear from behind me.

“Excuse me…sir,” John says with utter respect, his eyes wide.

“Drew!” Andy says, slinking back into John’s arms. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

I turn around to see Drew, wide awake, almost sprightly. Jordan, on the other hand, is so drunk he can barely stand up.

If you get a man too drunk, the desire for sex goes up—but nothing else does.

Drew puts his hand on my shoulder. “Charlie, your boyfriend here is a lot of fun. But he cannot hold his liquor.”

“In my defense,” Jordan says, leaning on my chair, “most people cannot go through a fifth of Maker’s Mark in an hour.”

“Come on, that was an appetizer,” Drew maintains. “And didn’t we have those In-N-Out burgers to sober us up?”

“Followed by shots of Jack Daniel’s,” Jordan reminds him.

“That was dessert,” Drew says, smiling at us all. He looks at the waitress. “Can you get us each that Russian beer you guys carry, and charge everything to my room?”

“Of course,” the waitress says with a smile, and leaves.

John stares at Drew, clearly starstruck. If he can remember Dawn from two years ago, I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking now. Drew puts out his hand to him. “Drew Stanton.”

Why is it that famous people always give you their first and last names? Like, if you met Brad Pitt and he said his name was Brad, you’d think,
Gosh, what a coincidence—does he know how much he looks like Brad Pitt
?

John puts out his hand. “John Gerber. It is an honor to meet you, sir. I’ve seen all your movies.”

“You have?” Drew asks excitedly. He takes a seat right between John and Andy, pushing them to opposite sides of the couch. “So, which one is your favorite?”

“Oh, definitely
Marksman,
” John says, taking a sip of his beer and forgetting about Andy completely. “You should have gotten the Academy Award for that. You were robbed.”

“I thought the same thing,” Drew says, then puts up his index finger in a mock
Sssh
. “What did you think of my Tybalt in
Romeo and Juliet
?”

“The fencing was amazing!” John says, his hands waving around excitedly.

“Thank you. You know I did all the stunts myself. We had this great choreographer—I was fencing for a month. Oh, and the research I did…Did you know much of Italy is built in cul-de-sacs?”

“I didn’t know that,” John says, with the excitement of a college freshman with a crush on the professor.

“Sure. See, that’s why Tybalt says he’s leaving the city, but then comes back—he gets lost!” Drew turns to Andy to include her in the conversation. She stares at him in shock. I’m sure she’s wondering how could he steal her date like this.

The waitress comes with their beers, and hands the bill to Drew to sign.

As Drew autographs the bill, John says to Andy, “I can’t believe you know Drew Stanton, and didn’t even tell me.”

“Why would it have come up?” Andy asks, clearly irritated.

“You know what else I liked?” John says to Drew. “
Timber
. What was it like to work with Catherine Zeta-Jones?”

“She’s amazing. Beautiful, funny. Love, love, love her husband.”

“Is he as nice as everyone says?” John asks.

“He’s better,” Drew answers.

“You know, you should have at least been nominated for that one,” John says, sounding incredulous that the Academy members could have overlooked such a phenomenal performance by Drew.

“Thank you,” Drew says, turning to Andy. “I love this guy! Hey, do you mind if we steal him for a little while?”

Andy looks at him, horrified, but doesn’t say anything.

“What are you guys up to?” John asks.

“Yeah, what are we up to?” Jordan asks apprehensively, falling into my lap.

Drew ignores Jordan, focusing on his new buddy John. “The concierge told me about this great strip club that doesn’t get hopping until two. Jordan and I are gonna go. Do you want to come along?”

Jordan whispers to me, “He’s not really going to make me go out again, is he?”

“Hey, I’m just happy he’s not dragging me,” I whisper back.

John looks past Drew, over to Andy, who’s now leaning back on the couch with her arms crossed, sulking. “I think I better stay here,” John says, although in a tone that’s full of regret.

“That’s a shame,” Drew says. “We’ve got a fully stocked bar in the limo, and I can get us into the VIP room.”

Dawn abruptly stands up and drains her drink. “Looks like you men still want to party. Why don’t you go with them, John? We girls need to get some sleep.”

Andy stares at Dawn, eyes wide, too stunned to speak.

“Well, if Andy doesn’t mind,” John says, standing up and looking at Andy.

“Why would I mind?” she nearly spits out. “Hey, why hang out with me when you could be getting drunk with a movie star, and getting the VIP treatment from strippers?”

Not missing a beat, Drew kisses Andy on the cheek. “Baby, you’re the greatest.”

Drew jumps up from the couch and hits Jordan on the arm as he walks out of the bar yelling, “Tallyho!”

Jordan nearly falls off my lap. “I’m really growing to hate him.”

He kisses me on the cheek, then drags himself out of the bar, right behind John and Drew.

Kate, Dawn, Andy, and I sit in silence. I take a nervous sip of my drink, and get ready for Andy to start screaming at me about my stupid boss. Instead, she lies down on the couch and says, “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Twenty-Five

When out for a heavy night of drinking, remember—don’t mix grains.

Half an hour later, I am holding up Andy’s hair as she pukes her guts out in our bathroom.

“I am never drinking again,” she vows, then throws up again.

Eventually, she flushes the toilet and lies down on the cold marble floor.

“Do you want me to help you move to the bed?” I ask.

“No. Just leave me here to die.”

“We could put a trash can by your bed in case you need to throw up again,” I suggest.

Andy takes a deep breath. “Tempting.”

There’s a knock at the door. I leave the bathroom as Andy gets sick again.

I cross the suite, and open the door to Drew and Jordan.

Drew bounds in. “What did we miss?”

I look past Jordan. Andy’s new buddy John is nowhere in sight.

“Where’s John?” I ask Drew as he and Jordan walk in and I close the door.

“He’s at the strip club,” Drew tells me, walking over to the minibar. “We had a bit of an incident.”

“What happened?” I asked, concerned.

Drew pulls out a mini bottle of Jack Daniel’s. “There was a photographer from
Celebrities Uncensored
across the street, so we bagged the idea.”

As Drew opens the Jack Daniel’s bottle and takes a swig, I look to Jordan for an explanation. “What did he do?” I ask accusingly.