A Touch of Passion (22 page)

“Grayson,” she whispered in his ear. He thrust higher, and her moan was an entreaty to fill her. They were as one in their passion. She wished the same could be said for the rest of their relationship, but Grayson would not let her in—only her body. Only when they joined physically did they truly talk to each other, calling to each other’s strengths and healing the hurts.

His lips sought hers, capturing them, and he claimed her tongue in a dominant foray as he urgently thrust higher and harder. The pleasure he gave had her bucking and moaning as she met him thrust for thrust.

Soon she could not contain her moans. Her legs gripped tighter as she rose higher and plunged down faster. His hands held her hips so tightly she could feel his fingers digging into her skin through the layers of clothing.

When he used his thumb to press down on her hardened nub she screamed as the pleasure roared through her, fierce and sweet, and she exploded in delight. Grayson’s harsh groan rumbled deep in his chest, vibrating into her heart as she lay slumped in his arms. He kissed her, plunging with increased power and speed until the pleasure overtook him too.

After a moment, she kissed his cheek as he sat breathing heavily with his head back and his eyes closed. “Don’t tell me we are not suited, Grayson Devlin. That was perfect.”

Her words elicited one of Grayson’s infamous sensual smiles. “I do not have the strength to disagree.” He opened one eye to look at her. “Since you seem to have the energy to talk still, perhaps I’m losing my touch. I might just have to try again.”

Portia hugged him tightly, relishing the truce that seemed to have taken hold between them.

They sat silently for several minutes, still intimately joined, Grayson remaining semi-hard within her pulsing body. With eyes still closed he finally asked her, “Did Robert ever encourage you to think of a match with me?”

“It was not Robert’s way to push me, for he knew how stubborn I am, but he did say he thought you were just the man I needed. He thought of you as a brother, and I know he liked the idea of our families being merged. He tried not to meddle, but he loved us both and wanted to see us happy.”

“Rubbish—he loved to meddle.” Grayson pulled her deeper into his embrace. “He told me we were not suited.”

Portia laughed. “I suspect he thought that you’d get the hump and do the exact opposite of what he proposed.” She sat back and looked at him. “Admit it. If he’d suggested courting me, you would have run a mile. Before the war, neither of you wanted to settle down. You were enjoying sowing your wild oats.” Her smile faded. “I admit I was hurt when you told me Robert didn’t think we were well suited, but I have thought about it a lot since then. I can’t believe Robert meant what he said to you. It’s more likely Robert wanted to keep you from going to fight, and he thought laying down a challenge might just make you pursue me. He understood that if you married, there was no way you would have followed him into war.” She rested her head against his chest, listening to the strong heartbeat. “I’m sure he really only wanted both of us safe.”

Grayson ran a hand through his hair and grimaced. “Well, his plan backfired. I followed him and failed him. Plus, I thought he was serious, and—”

“You didn’t fail him. You could not protect him all the time, nor would he have expected you to do so. Only God decides when our time has come.” She studied him intently. “I think you knew he would welcome a match, but you used his warning as an excuse.”

He opened his mouth to reply, then closed it. He turned to stare out of the carriage window and drummed his fingers on the seat in time to the noise of the turning wheels.

Her heart softened. “You’re scared to love, and I find that so sad. Love is what feeds our souls and sustains us. I love my family, and although I’ve lost Robert, he is always with me in my heart. I am a better person for having had him as a brother. I would never wish Robert had not been a part of my life, even with the pain of his loss. Would you?”

He merely licked his lips, still refusing to look at her. She brushed a stray lock of hair from his face and ran her finger down his chiseled jaw, bringing it to rest under his chin. She used the finger to turn him to face her. “Opening your heart to love is both the easiest and the hardest thing to do. It’s easy because when you love someone they light up your world. You love them unreservedly, faults and all. Your life is better for having them in it.” She stroked his cheek. “On the other hand, love is hard because it’s a risk. Those you love can hurt you in many ways. They can reject you. They can disappoint you.” She paused before gently adding, “You might lose them to God.”

She watched him swallow, but he did not look away.

“However, I know something else too. I almost died, and do you know what that experience taught me?” He shook his head. “I learned that each minute we spend with those we love is precious. I consider myself very lucky to have had Robert in my life for twenty-three years. I could never regret having him as my brother, as you don’t regret having him as your friend.” She brushed at a lone tear trailing down her cheek. “Your life would have been poorer for not having had Robert as your friend. You can wish he never died, but never wish he hadn’t been a part of your life.”

He looked up at her, his eyes filled with pain. “I miss him. I miss Robert so much. I miss my parents and my sister. I constantly wonder what kind of woman Lucinda would have grown into. It’s like a part of my world is missing.”

She pulled him tight against her bosom, cradling him in her arms, as he dragged in deep breaths, trying to remain composed.

Taking pity on him and not wishing to push him too hard, she whispered, “Giving your heart takes courage. I know, because I gave mine to you, even though you didn’t want it.”

He stilled and pushed her back so he could look into her face. “When Robert told me we wouldn’t suit, I was surprised. I thought he would welcome a match, and I admit I had considered it because of our families and how yours took me in. So I started to look for reasons he would think a marriage would not be right for either of us. I studied you and compared you to the only woman I was close to, my mother.”

She laughed. “I’ve thought that might be the case, but I’d hoped my mother might have shown you that it is perfectly acceptable to run a household in a different way.” Her smile died when he didn’t agree with her. She hurried on, “I don’t think in this day and age I’m the only woman who wants more out of marriage.”

His face went a perfect shade of pink. “Before my father died, he began my instruction of what would be expected of me as the heir. He told me that I must pick an appropriate woman to aid me. A woman who could stand quietly but perfectly by my side.”

“Let me guess: a woman who would bear your children, run your home, put up with your mistresses, and stay in the background.”

He smiled at her tone. “Exactly.”

“Ooh, that is so old-fashioned. I could box your father’s ears. But what of your happiness?”

“It is the way most marriages within our social group work. They are alliances made for reasons of money or power, nothing more. That is what my parents’ marriage was, I know.”

“And this is what you want, an alliance?”

He hesitated. “I am not sure. It was your parents’ relationship that made me question his advice. It was obvious they loved each other. They were more affectionate with each other. I can’t remember my father ever hugging my mother—or hugging anyone, come to think on it, even me. Your father showered us all with affection. I can still remember the first time he pulled me into a bear hug. I was embarrassed at first and then proud, because he did it to all his sons. I felt at home with you all from that moment on.” He stroked her back. “After Waterloo, I struggled with duty versus what I desired. I wanted what your parents shared, but I was scared. What if I let myself love you and then I lost you? You’d almost died once before.” He swallowed hard and buried his face in her bosom again. “I couldn’t bear it.”

She realized that she’d then proceeded to make his nightmare a reality when she walked into Weston’s trap. “I’m sorry for putting you through all of this. Can you forgive me?”

He gripped her arms harder. “If I was to love anyone, it would be you. I just don’t know if I can bring myself to let my guard down.”

It was not exactly the answer she wanted, but it gave her love-filled heart hope.

“However, you can help me by promising to think before you act,” he went on. “Don’t put yourself in undue danger or cause such scandal. If I’m to continue Robert’s cause—”

She frowned. “What cause?”

“He wanted to ensure that injured war veterans received help finding employment if they wanted it, and that their pensions were adequate. Most are living in abject poverty, or treated as invalids, when with help they could work again and get their dignity back. I want to help them after their sacrifice for God and country. I’m trying to raise funds for a charity that focuses on encouraging large estates, factories, and businesses to hire veterans.” He cupped her face. “You know it will be harder to obtain society’s support if I have an unconventional, scandalous wife.”

“A woman like me,” she finished for him.

They simply sat looking at each other.

He sighed. “I can’t ask you to change who you are. That is what scares me. Losing you scares me.”

His words cut deep. She didn’t want him to be afraid. She wanted him to embrace their love and to share in the joy of it.

“Does it scare you enough to let me go?” She held her breath waiting for his answer.

She watched his jaw pull taut and felt his fingers dug into her skin. His eyes flared with possession, and she all but had her answer. It thrilled her.

“You are not marrying Maitland.”

“I take that as a no,” she said, and placed a kiss on his lips.

He lifted her off him and remained silent as he used his handkerchief to clean her and himself and right their clothes.

“Would it help if I told you I’ll be very, very careful from now on, and I’ll try not to let my behavior embarrass the Blackwood name?” At his skeptical look she added, “Within reason.”

He sat on the opposite seat, looking decidedly sensual, his light brown hair tousled from where her fingers had sunk deep into the thick waves, and her heart galloped as loudly as the horses’ hooves outside. She hated the distance that had settled between them, when only moments ago he’d been buried deep inside her. Physically they were in tune, but the notes soured when it came to viewing the world and their places in it. She had to try to make him understand that life and love were worth the risk.

“I don’t set out to upset, offend, or break the rules. You and I both know life can be short, and I want to ensure I have no regrets when I do die. I want each day to matter, each night to prove that when I wake up the next morning I have not wasted precious time.” When he remained silent she added, “How can I make you understand? Men are encouraged to go out and conquer the world, to grab what they want when they want it. Perhaps it was being raised with five brothers, but they never made me feel as though I could not do the same—grab what I wanted, achieve things I wished to achieve. I don’t try to displease society or to rub its nose in my modern outlook. Rather, I do everything for me, to please me. To ensure that I don’t waste a minute of this life I treasure.”

She waited with bated breath for his response.

He answered quietly, “I never considered that women might have other things they wished to accomplish. I thought all they dreamed of was a good match and children.”

Her heart pummeled against her ribs.

“However, knowing you, I concede that there is no reason why women should not wish for more. After all, look at Queen Elizabeth. Was she not one of England’s greatest rulers? Tell me what it is you wish to accomplish.”

“I want what all of us want, to be happy. I do want to marry and have a family, but I don’t wish to be defined as simply a mother or a wife. I’m so much more. I have a mind and I intend to use it.” She moved to sit next to him and take his hand. “If I become your wife, I promise to think about my actions from now on, but I cannot promise I will always conform. I have dreamed of us married since I was sixteen, but in that dream you loved me for who I was, not who you wanted me to be. My dreams were vivid. We had a family. We supported each other and loved each other beyond reason. It was wonderful. Our life would be wonderful. To experience a love like in my dream I’d risk anything, even if I had it for only one day.”

He squeezed her fingers. “You take a big risk in loving me. Those I truly love above all else die.”

“I know how precarious life can be. But how much worse is it to deny yourself happiness, real and deep happiness that makes you long to wake up each day with the one you love? Can you live your life without that feeling? I can’t.” She gave his hand a squeeze back. “Be brave and let me in.”

Portia would most definitely challenge him every day, but life with her would never be boring. Grayson realized he would enjoy being with her, learning with her, teaching her. He loved her. He’d been fighting it for years and using every excuse not to let her into his heart, frightened of what might happen if he lost her, as he almost had when she was sixteen.

He longed to open his heart to her and only her. He didn’t consider himself a coward, and her reasoning was sound. If he lay at death’s door, would he look back and regret not having loved Portia as she deserved? He knew the answer to that—yes. Life without her would be worse than death.

She was watching him closely. “Together we are stronger. We can outthink, outsmart, and outmaneuver the woman who has set herself against us.” He realized she understood exactly what he was thinking—that they made a formidable team. The journey home had at least taught him that.

He spoke in a tone meant to command. “No more scandals. We work together on everything so I can shield you from harm, both physical and to your reputation.”

She pulled her hand from his grip and threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. “I love you.”

She said it so easily he wondered if she really meant it. He watched the hope flare in her eyes as she waited for his declaration. He pulled her arms from around his neck and held both of her little hands in his. “I love you more than life itself. I believe I have loved you since I saw you walk down the stairs on your sixteenth birthday. Then I almost lost you. I won’t lose you again. I can’t. So you will agree to let me take the lead against our villainess. You will obey me—I will have your word.”