A Twist of Fate (30 page)

When we finally
arrived at his floor, he led me to his apartment door, keying in
his code to allow us entry. I closed the door behind us as he
refused to let go of my hand. I hadn’t realized how late it had
gotten. With the change in time zones, the flight, the time spent
at Alex’s mum’s house it was now dark outside.

“Are you hungry
Alex? I can order you something to eat?” I asked, not sure if he
had eaten anything today.

“Are you?” he
quizzed back.

“I could
probably eat something. What do you want?”

He finally
released my hand and raked both hands through his hair, seemingly
frustrated. “What I can’t have,” he answered, his eyes clouded and
sad. I hated that I was contributing to his pain; I hated what I
had done to this amazing man.

I couldn’t stop
myself as I walked over and kissed him. It was an automatic reflex,
my lips found his as if they had never left, he returned my kiss
passionately and with desperation. My arms flung around him as he
clawed at me, my need matching his. I ran my hand up his back and
through his hair and he grabbed me and lifted me, carrying me into
his bedroom, both of us panting as we got there. His hungry eyes,
still dark with shadows, searched mine as I kissed him, not wanting
to stop but knowing this was wrong. As much as I wanted him, I
didn’t want it to be like this. I felt the guilt creep up on me as
I looked into his eyes; I couldn’t hurt him again. I pulled
away.

“Alex, I’m
sorry... we shouldn’t do this.” I panted, not believing the words
coming from my mouth. He closed his eyes slowly and then looked at
me again.

“Please Lexi, I
need to feel something other than grief tonight. Please I need
you.” As much as I wanted to stop, I couldn’t. The truth was, I
needed him too. I nodded slowly as he resumed kissing me. His
desperation had subsided as his demanding lips eased against mine,
his tongue searching my mouth slowly and passionately, his hands
slowing over my body too, taking their time as they travelled up my
legs.

This was so
much different to our usual tempo, it was slow and deliberate, as
if he had to absorb every minute. As much as I wanted to feel him
inside me, I didn’t want to rush this either - it felt so right. He
took his time, slowly removing my clothing, kissing and caressing
me between each step. My skin burned by the time I was naked, he
stopped kissing me to admire his handy work, “God you’re
beautiful,” he murmured as he resumed kissing me.

I let my
fingers travel up his body. Slowly, as he had done, I removed one
layer at a time. I maneuvered myself above him so he was now lying
beneath me as I pulled off his jeans and discarded them with his
shoes, socks and shirt. My hand slipped over the waistband of his
trunks as I seductively kissed his stomach. My mouth travelled up
his chest as my hands pushed down his underwear. I heard him groan
as I swirled my tongue around the hollow of his neck and placed my
hand around his hard length, stroking it gently. He slid his hands
around my waist as he lifted me slightly so I straddled him, his
hands following the curvature of my stomach down to the wetness
between my thighs. He groaned again as his fingers explored me, his
eyes refusing to leave mine. It was almost too intense. I closed my
eyes, feeling my excitement growing as he watched me. With me still
on top of him he lifted himself to a sitting position and cupped my
ass, slowly lifting me again and placing me flat on the bed, his
body shifting on top of me.

His wicked half
smile was fleeting as he mumbled, “I want to drive.”

I smiled back.
“Ok” was all I could manage.

We spent the
night pleasuring each other, for what seemed like an eternity. I
would have assumed that it would have been over quickly given our
need for each other, but it wasn’t. Hours passed before we were
finally satisfied with each other. We lay entwined, kissing each
other slowly and more intimately than we ever had. It was the first
time we had made love not just had sex; it was as if our bodies had
melded into one entity. It was the closest thing to a spiritual
experience I’d ever had. I felt like my soul had left my body and
joined his. It was so much more than a physical connection and I’d
never experienced this with anyone. He was so attentive, knowing
when to back off and when to keep going. He relinquished control
slightly throughout the night, smiling when I told him “It was my
turn to drive” but for the first time I didn’t mind him taking the
lead. I didn’t feel diminished or inferior and there was nothing
submissive about it; it was about his need to please me and it made
me feel like a goddess.

I fell asleep
in his arms, I had no desire to leave, and I wanted this feeling to
last forever. I could hear the comforting sound of his heart
beating, his hand gently strumming my arm before I closed my eyes.
He didn’t ask me to stay and I didn’t tell him I was leaving.
Neither of us spoke, no words could communicate what we felt. I
knew I couldn’t leave him and I had never felt this way about
anyone. I wanted to spend the night with him. I wanted to wake up
with him. I wanted to make love to him and for him to make love to
me. I knew that I loved him and for the first time I wanted him to
love me back.

The next of
couple days were a blur; I had drafted the press statement and had
released it on behalf of Alex and the Stone family. I fielded phone
calls and mail, which offered condolences and well wishes. I
appealed for privacy and for the most part this was respected, with
Alex, his brother and his mother being allowed to grieve in
peace.

James and the
band rallied around their “brother” providing support to him and
his family. There was a constant stream of visitors, hot meals and
offers of assistance from either one of the boys or a member of
their families. Helnä was overwhelmed by their generosity and love,
Christian and Alex thanked everyone profusely for their kindness
and understanding.

My relationship
with Alex remained complicated. We never spoke about it or
acknowledged anything, yet every night I would go to him. We would
make love and I would spend the night in his arms. It was almost as
though if we finally spoke about it, it might end. I didn’t know
what it was or what it wasn’t, I just knew I had to be with him. I
loved being with him, sleeping in his arms - I loved him. Every day
I longed for the night so we could be together and cursed every
morning when we would go about our lives, indifferent to each
other. I hated it; it wasn’t enough for me anymore. I wanted
more.

The day of the
funeral came and I woke in his arms as usual. He smiled as he
brushed the hair out of my face. My heart swelled for this amazing
man, I knew today would be hard and I wished there was something I
could do to make it easier for him.

“I got your
black suit dry cleaned, it’s hanging in your closet.” I smiled as
his finger traced over my chin.

“Lexi you
didn’t have to do that. You’re not my assistant, but thank you.” I
shifted in his arms so that my chest pressed against his.

“Since when
have I ever done ANYTHING because I had to? I wanted to and you’re
welcome.” I gently kissed his lips.

“These past few
days with you...” he swallowed “Lexi, I couldn’t have gotten
through them without you.” He dragged his lips across my collar
bone.

“I’m here
Alex.” I breathed, fighting my own tears.

He untwined
himself from me and I watched as his gloriously, taut naked body
strode into the bathroom to take a shower. I never got tired of
looking at him, he was entirely too good looking. I stretched in
Alex’s king size bed, before letting my feet hit the ground and
walking over to the small overnight bag I had packed yesterday. I
knew the funeral was early today and didn’t want to have to go home
to prepare so had packed a few things before coming over last
night. I pulled out a simple black tailored dress; it had a thin
belt around the waist and a matching fitted black jacket. I laid
the items on his bed as I pulled out some underwear and opaque
tights.

I smiled as
Alex walked back in, still glistening from his shower. His towel
flirted with his hips. He glanced at the bed silently as he
examined my clothes. His eyes shifted back to me as he sat on the
bed.

“Shower is
free” he mumbled, no warmth in his voice as his eyes moved back to
pile of clothes on his bed. He refused to meet my gaze.

“Ok,” I
whispered, not sure what happened between the bed and the shower to
make him so distant. I wanted to ask but didn’t want to push him,
today of all days. Was it my choice of attire? Was it me? I stepped
into the shower and buried my head under the spray of the
water.

By the time I
got out, he was already dressed. He looked breathtaking in his
black Calvin Klein suit, his hair slicked back, his famous mirrored
aviators poking out of his top pocket. “I’m going to head over to
my mom’s, I’ve organised for a car to be here in about an hour to
take you to the funeral. Ok?”

I blinked back
tears as I nodded. “Yep, Ok.” I was confused as he sidestepped me
and left without kissing me goodbye. What had happened, why was he
so cold? I had stayed with him every night; we had spent hours in
each other’s arms, I had lowered my guard and let him in, I had
fallen in love with him. Was this payback for what I did to him?
Was he punishing me? Or was it that I no longer served a purpose? I
replayed his words over in my head. Was it about me helping him
cope and now he was ok? I refused to let myself cry, I forced a wry
grin as I dressed, I would not allow him to see me cry. No, he
would not get that satisfaction from me.

The car arrived
and took me to a small catholic church near Alex’s family home.
Christian greeted me warmly when I approached the Stone family
offering my condolences, his mother gently hugged me and Alex
offered me a curt nod, keeping his distance and thanking me for
coming. He was thanking me for coming? My anger flared as he looked
at me indifferently. I wanted to climb over the pew and beat the
living shit out of him. I was so incredibly hurt. I took my seat
beside Hannah and James who smiled at me when they saw me, Hannah’s
eyes were already red from crying, her crumpled tissue tightly
grasped in her hand. The gentle music filtered through the
beautiful church as various people approached Alex, his mother and
brother, offering their sympathies.

I watched him
intently, willing him to make eye contact with me but he didn’t. He
kept his eyes firmly fixed on the casket in front of him, holding
his mother as she gently sobbed as the priest welcomed the
congregation. The service progressed with various intervals of
sitting, standing and kneeling. I looked to Hannah for guidance as
to what was required, having not grown up in church. The priest
finally farewelled Jenson Stone with Alex and Christian heading the
procession as they wheeled the casket to the waiting Hearst.

I couldn’t hold
back any longer, I tried to stop the tears from falling but I
couldn’t. I sucked in a deep breath as a small sob escaped my
throat. Hannah put her arm around me as I fell back into the wooden
pew, unable to stop weeping. I shook uncontrollably as I watched
these two beautiful young men pass by me escorting the body of
their father. It was a vision that affected me deeply, and I closed
my eyes unable to look at Alex. Hannah hugged me tighter as I tried
to stifle my sobs, not wanting to create a scene. Looking around, I
saw that I was not the only person struggling with their
emotions.

The crowd
dispersed through the large double church doors as I stayed
sitting, gently weeping when James finally approached me.

“Are you ok
Lexi? Do you need anything?” He sat beside me as Hannah held my
hand as I tried to explain.

“I’m fine, I
just need some air. Please go be with Alex. I’ll catch up with you
later.” James eyed me suspiciously before I finally convinced him
to leave. I sat in the church until it was empty, grieving my own
loss. I had seen how loved this man had been. It was evident on the
face of his sons, his wife, his extended family and friends. I had
never loved my father in that way, yet I grieved for this man who I
didn’t know. I grieved for the pain I knew it caused the man I
loved, even if he didn’t love me back. I grieved for the loss I
knew I was facing when I finally walked out the doors.

By the time I
made it to the cemetery, the casket was already being lowered into
the ground. I stayed behind the crowd, watching safely from a
distance, my eyes swollen and red. Alex led his mother to the open
plot and tossed in a single red rose, she held her sons either side
of her as she quietly wept. Christian sniffled as he wiped away his
tears; Alex stood resolute, his face unreadable. I found Hannah and
James and told them I was heading back to my apartment.

“Aren’t you
coming to the wake?” James questioned cautiously.

I shook my head
as I mumbled “I think it’s best if I don’t.” He didn’t push it any
further as I walked off. I pulled my phone from my bag and dialed
for a cab; I just wanted to go back to my apartment.

I eased into
the back of the taxi and I shut my eyes as we drove back to
Manhattan. He could have driven me to Connecticut and I probably
wouldn’t have noticed. As if sensing my mood, the driver left me to
my misery. I guess getting picked up from a cemetery was probably a
good tip off. He eased the cab beside my building and I handed him
my fare, he nodded as I told him to keep the change and I pushed
open the front doors to the lobby.

Barry the door
man smiled as I waved, walking straight through to the elevator and
pressing the button for my floor. I lay my back against the
internal rails feeling I could collapse at any moment. The elevator
dinged when I arrived at my floor. I gripped the walls as I walked
to my front door, pulling out my keys and finally finding sanctuary
in my own space. It had only been four nights since I’d slept here
but it felt like four weeks. I pulled off my shoes and jacket and
walked through to my bedroom. I collapsed onto my bed and curled my
body tightly into a ball, I was safe. No one could hurt me here.
Alex’s last interaction with me spoke volumes, he was done. I was a
means to an end with him, a coping mechanism. He had finally got
what he wanted and then he didn’t want or need it anymore. I closed
my eyes tightly, refusing to shed any more tears and willed sleep
to come. It was over and I had to move on.