A Very Simple Crime (21 page)

I tell her that I want to go for a walk on the beach, alone, to clear my head and settle my thoughts. She nods in agreement and offers me a loving smile. She understands, I think. She understands me and is content to let me be my own entity, to let me exist apart from her and yet be with her. When I return, her eyes are red rimmed and swollen; tear tracks are drying into desert paths in her heavy makeup. She tells me that she can’t help it, that she loves me so much that she just goes crazy from it. I go to her and comfort her. I tell her that everything is fine. That we are fine. Soon her smile returns and she leads me to the bedroom. This is a scene that will be repeated many times.

She tells me that I don’t love her, that I never have and never will. She says that she loves me and I hate her. That I think she’s crazy. That I hate her and am afraid of her. I tell her that I am not afraid, that I do not think she is crazy.
Liar
, she screams, and picks at the scabs in her scalp.
Liar
, she screams, and pulls out clumps of her hair.
Liar
, she screams, and rips open her flesh.
Why do you hate me so? You do hate me. Admit it.

No
, I say.
No. I love you.