A Voice in the Wind (44 page)

And Hadassah would now be in the middle of it.

Hadassah looked up at him and saw his worry. She knew how much Marcus loved his sister. He was a loyal and devoted brother. She took his hand in both of hers. “Please, my lord, try to trust me. I love her, too. I’ll watch over your sister as best I can.

“And who will watch over you?”

She looked up at him in surprise and color poured into her cheeks. She let go of his hand.

Angry that he had revealed so much, he turned away and went back into the house. Julia was drinking another goblet of wine and looked up as he entered. “Where is Hadassah?” Julia demanded in an imperious tone that grated on his already raw nerves.

“Don’t use that tone with me. I’m not your lackey.”

Julia’s eyes widened. “I can see I should never have come home,” she said, setting the goblet down so hard that the wine sloshed over the side. A few droplets splashed on her lavender palus, and she uttered a small cry of dismay. “Now look what has happened.” She tried to rub the wine drops away, but they were already soaking into the delicate wool. “Caius just gave me this a few days ago!”

Marcus had seen Julia’s tantrums before, but this show of emotion was something else. His anger vanished. “It’s just a few drops of wine, Julia.”

“It’s ruined. It’s
ruined
!”

Hadassah entered the room with a small tied bundle—one change of clothes. Seeing the state Julia was in, she dropped it and went to her mistress. Leaning down, she caught Julia’s hands from their frantic scrubbing. “It’s all right, my lady. I know what to do to remove the stain. It will be like new.” Julia glanced up at her and Hadassah saw the bruise she had so carefully tried to hide. She looked into her young mistress’s eyes and saw more there as well. “I’m glad you came for me, Lady Julia,” she said softly. “It will be my pleasure to serve you again.”

Julia grasped Hadassah’s hands tightly. “I’ve missed you so,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. “I need you.” She blinked them away, aware her parents and brother were watching her. She let go of Hadassah’s hands and rose regally from the couch, smiling brightly again.

It wasn’t until after Hadassah and Julia were gone that Marcus noticed the small tied bundle by the door. “Hadassah forgot her things. I’ll take them tomorrow.”

Decimus looked at him. “Do you think that wise?”

“Perhaps not,” Marcus conceded, “but I’d like to know what’s going on in that house to put Julia in such a state. Wouldn’t you?”

“And you think Hadassah will know after one night?”

“No, but Julia might feel more free to talk with me if we’re alone.”

Decimus nodded. “Perhaps you’re right.”

“It would be better if you waited to talk with her, Marcus,” Phoebe said. She sank down on her couch, smiling brightly. “I think you’re both worrying for nothing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with Julia that a few months won’t bring to rights.”

Decimus frowned at her lack of concern. “What brought on such an emotional outburst then? A tiff with Caius?”

“No.” Eyes shining, Phoebe took his hand. “I think our daughter is with child.”

He gave a short laugh. “I’m sure she would have said something if that were so.”

“She’s still very innocent, Decimus. Perhaps she doesn’t even know herself, and I’m only guessing. I’ll go see her tomorrow. There are questions I need to ask her to be sure.”

Decimus looked at his wife in surprise. She was serious! “A child,” he said wonderingly. By the gods, that was something worth living for.

Marcus hoped his mother was wrong. While news of a baby brought smiles to his parents’ faces, he seriously doubted his sister would be pleased with such news.

In fact, he was sure she would hate it.

20

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Julia wept bitterly. “Caius hasn’t touched me since I told him about the baby. He refuses to take me to the games or any of the parties or feasts we’ve been invited to attend. He acts as though it’s entirely my fault that I’m pregnant—as if he had nothing to do with it!”

Calabah soothed her with soft words.

“He finds me repulsive,” Julia said tearfully.

“Did he tell you that?” Calabah said, knowing Caius was more than capable of such cruelty.

“He didn’t have to tell me, Calabah. I feel it every time he looks at me.” She clenched her hands. “I know he’s been with other women,” she said and stood. She turned away so Calabah couldn’t see her face and wrapped her arms around herself as though that would stop the pain. “Octavia came to visit me yesterday.”

Calabah leaned back slightly, her smile sardonic. “Dear, sweet Octavia. And what did she have to say?”

. “She took the greatest delight in telling me she saw Caius flirting with Senator Eusebius’ daughter. She said they disappeared for about an hour, but she imagined they were talking about politics.” Her tone was bitter and sarcastic. “Can you believe she would come to me with a story like that? I hate her, Calabah. I tell you, I hate her. By the gods, I hope some wretched curse befalls her. You should’ve seen her gloating face.

“Not only that,” Julia continued angrily, “but she was bragging about going to the ludus again and seeing Atretes.” She turned, Caius forgotten. “I saw him first. Did you know that? I saw him on the road near Capua before he was famous, but now
she’s
the one who sees him almost every day, while I’m locked away in this house like a prisoner. She said—”

“She said, she said, she said …” Calabah rose from her couch, wanting to shake Julia. She had seen the gladiator Julia mentioned. All brawn, beauty, and passion. Completely barbarian. How could Julia be attracted to
him
? It was beneath her. It was unthinkable. “What do you care what Octavia says, Julia? Or who she sees. She’s nothing but a stupid, shallow little whore who’s jealous of you. Haven’t you realized that yet? She was in love with Caius, and he’s never looked twice at her. The minute you walked in the room, he was captivated.“

“Not anymore,” Julia said, full of angry self-pity.

“All isn’t lost, Julia, and stop pacing like a madwoman. You’re making me dizzy. Come and sit down and let’s discuss this intelligently.” Julia came obediently, and Calabah took her hand. She squeezed it gently. “Do you want this child?”

Julia jerked her hand away and stood again. “Want it? I hate it. It’s ruined my life. I’m sick in the morning. I’ve dark circles under my eyes because I can’t sleep for worrying about what Caius is doing when he’s not with me. And I’m getting disgustingly fat.”

“You’re not fat,” Calabah said, glad Atretes was so quickly forgotten. She smoothed the fine wool of her red-trimmed toga and watched Julia surreptitiously. She was so lovely, so graceful in her movements, like a work of art. She could sit and gaze at her all day. The thought of a baby distorting her was repugnant. “How far along are you?”

“I don’t know. I can’t remember. I never stopped to think much about it when I missed my flux. Three months, I think, maybe four. You really don’t think I’m fat?” she said, looking down at her hands spread over her abdomen. “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

Calabah studied her critically. “You do look a little tired and drawn, but no one would guess you were expecting a baby. Not yet.”

“Not yet,” Julia said grimly. “Why did this have to happen just when I was happy? It’s not fair. Mama said the gods were smiling on me. Smiling! They’re laughing at me! I can almost hear them.”

“Then end it,” Calabah said in her most reasonable tone, a beatific smile curving her lips.

“End what?” Julia said blankly, wiping her eyes again and blowing her nose delicately. “My life? I might as well. It’s already over.”

“Nonsense. I mean terminate the pregnancy. You needn’t have this child if it’s making you so unhappy.”

Julia raised her head in surprise. “But how?”

“You really are ridiculously innocent, Julia. I don’t know why I waste my time with you. Have you never heard of abortion?”

Julia paled and stared at her in alarm. “Are you saying I should kill my own baby?”

Calabah uttered a soft gasp and stood, insulted and angry. “Do you think so little of me as that? Of course, I would never suggest such a thing. Right now, in the early stages of your pregnancy, what’s inside you is merely a symbol of human life, not actual life. It doesn’t possess any humanness whatsoever and it won’t for another few months.”

Julia was uncertain. “My father and mother were so happy with the news. To them, what I carry now is a child.”

“Of course. It’s a subtle way of pressing you to do what they want. They want you to have grandchildren for them.”

She looked away from Calabah’s compelling dark eyes. “Neither of them would approve of abortion.”

“What has this to do with them?” Calabah said. She stood regally and approached Julia. “It’s this kind of thinking that infuriates me. Don’t you see the trap, Julia? Don’t you understand? By denying you your right to choose, they deny you the right to protect your physical, mental, and emotional health. They take away your humanness for the sake of a mere symbol.”

She put her arm around her. “Julia, I care about you. You know that. It’s your life we’re discussing, not your mother’s. Certainly not your father’s. Your mother made her choices, and they were good for her.” She let her go. “Now it’s time for you to make yours. Who are
you
? What do
you
want? Julia, look at me. Look at me, dear. You’re clearly miserable over this pregnancy. Caius doesn’t want a child. He’s made that perfectly obvious. If he doesn’t want a child and you don’t want one either, why are you going through all this?”

“Because I didn’t think I could do anything about it,” Julia said, shaking beneath Calabah’s stare.

“It’s your body, Julia. It’s your decision whether you have a child or not. It has nothing to do with anyone else.”

“Yes, but my father would never forgive me…”

“Why should your father even know about it? It’s not his business, is it? If they question you, if you must tell them something, tell them you had a miscarriage.”

Julia sighed wearily. “I don’t know, Calabah. I don’t know what to do.” She peered out into the garden and watched Hadassah cutting flowers. How could anyone look so peaceful with all that was going on in this household? She wished she could go out in the sunshine and sit with her and listen to her songs and forget everything else. She wished she could forget the look on Caius’ face when she had told him she was carrying his child.

“
How could you be so stupid
!” His words still rang in her ears, along with the news Octavia had brought her so gleefully. “
I don’t know for certain they made love, but they were gone for a very long time
.”

Caius was having affairs. Julia was certain of it. He hadn’t been to her bed in weeks, and his sensual nature would have driven him to find release elsewhere. Willing partners would pose no difficulty. Like they did with Marcus, women flocked around Julia’s husband.

Julia bit her lip to keep from crying again. She didn’t want to be pregnant and have her life turned upside down. She didn’t want to get fat and ugly and lose Caius. All she wanted was to be out of this situation, to have the problem gone and her life back the way it was. She couldn’t stand the thought of Caius making love to anyone else, though she didn’t think she could stand to have him touch her again, not now that she knew he’d betrayed her. All she knew was she wanted him to look at her the way he had before, as though she were the most beautiful woman in the world and he wanted to devour her.

Julia stared out at Hadassah. What would she say to all this? Julia longed to talk to her.

Calabah moved, somehow shadowing the garden and recapturing Julia’s attention. “Lovely child, does it only take a few weeks for you to forget all I taught you? You, and only you, are the master of your destiny. No one else.”

Julia trembled slightly as though a chill wind had blown over her. Calabah “was right. It was the only way. Still, she hesitated; some inner voice cried out to her not to do it. ”Would the abortion hurt very much?“ she said quietly.

“Not as much as having a baby,” Calabah said.

Fear took the place of uncertainty. “You speak as though you know.”

“One needn’t suffer death to know it’s something to avoid.” She smiled. “I’ve always been very careful to prevent getting pregnant. I never wanted to be so fat I couldn’t see my own feet and have nothing to look forward to but pain. I’ve witnessed childbirth, Julia, and I can tell you it’s excruciating, undignified, and bloody. It takes hours. Some women die giving birth to their babies. Those who don’t are in servitude for the rest of their lives. Do you know what a tremendous responsibility it is to rear a child? Men don’t help. They don’t have to. Caius certainly won’t. The care and educating of your child will be up to you.“

Julia sank down onto a couch and closed her eyes against the picture Calabah created. Horrible pain followed by a life of drudgery. “My mother never told me there were ways to keep from getting pregnant.”

“She wouldn’t,” Calabah said, her tone full of pity. “It’s beyond the realm of her thinking, Julia. Your mother is still mired in ancient traditions foisted upon her by the unthinking generations before her. Children are her sole purpose for existence.” She sat down and took Julia’s hand. “Don’t you see yet? Traditions have imprisoned women for centuries. It is time we were free, Julia. Break your chains! This is a new age.”

Julia sighed. “I lack your wisdom, Calabah, and your confidence.”

Calabah smiled and kissed her cheek. “Will you ever come to understand the great truths I’ve taught you over the past months?”

“Tell me what I must do,” Julia pleaded.

“You must make your own decisions, dear heart.” She rose and went to the window to look out into the garden. She seemed so majestic and beautiful, yet somehow shadowed even with an aura of sunlight around her. “Julia, you must plan your life the way you want it to happen. Visualize it. See it in your mind, happening as you make it happen.” She looked back at her. “Happiness springs from within you, from your own inner power.”