A Want So Wicked (17 page)

His expression tightens. “What do you suggest?”

And it starts, as if my body knew what to do before I even thought it all through. My fingers tingle, my skin vibrating all over. I give in to the Need, and let it pull me into Monroe's past.

Monroe and Onika are sitting on the steps of a large building, a college where they're students together. Onika is wearing a summer dress, her blond hair curled at the ends. She's laughing, and moves to rest her hand on Monroe's knee. Monroe glances down at her fingers, his smile slipping. As if realizing the shift in his mood, Onika leans to kiss him. It's the first day they met.

I open my eyes now and find Monroe next to me, his lids brimming with tears. “And then?” he asks softly, reliving the moments with me.

Onika is walking just ahead of Monroe, sneaking glances back at him with a devious smile. She's wandering down a dimly lit hallway, occasionally crooking her finger to tell Monroe to hurry up. I can feel Monroe's desire for her, his want to steal her away from her mother. To protect her. To marry her.

When they get to the doorway of her apartment, he pushes her against the wall and they kiss, murmuring words I can't hear, but I can feel. They are in love.

The memories speed by as they talk of their future, of Onika's past and how it tortures her. But the night she tells him about her compulsions, everything changes. Monroe listens as she sobs, his body chilling. He knows what it means and what he's supposed to do. And when she finishes talking, he can only smile sadly. “You need to jump, darling,” he says softly. “It's the only choice.”

Onika stormed out after screaming at him, but she doesn't know how he cried, curled up on the floor of his living room. How he stayed up night after night, feeding on painkillers as he searched for a way to save her. And when he discovered that the collagen could keep Onika's skin on a little longer, he rejoiced in her happiness. All she wanted was to fight her compulsion. And he swore to help her. In his heart, it was the only thing left to live for.

“I betrayed her,” Monroe says, breaking me from the thoughts. “I promised I'd fight, but when I saw what it was doing to her, I had to stop.” Tears roll down his cheeks, but he doesn't wipe them away. “And the day she disappeared, long after she'd turned to the Shadows, was the worst day of my life. Physically she was gone, but she haunted my dreams for years—all the way up until you left. And then I thought I lost her for good.”

“She still loves you,” I say. “Her feelings for you are the only shred of humanity she has left, a part she thought she lost. Maybe if you talk to her, you can—”

“I haven't seen Onika in years,” he says. “She won't appear to me, even when I beg. Besides, I doubt she'll want me to see her how she is. And I don't think I do either.”

In his eyes I see the truth. “You want to save her,” I murmur. “You don't want me to extinguish her.”

“I want her to have peace,” he says solemnly. “I wish only for her to have peace, but she can't find that. No Shadow can when they can't die.”

My heart leaps with an answer. “Onika killed a Shadow before,” I say quickly. “The man who turned her, she reached inside of his chest and . . .” I pause, trying to think of the right words. “She reached in and ripped out his soul.”

Harlin makes a noise from across the room as if he just now realized how truly dangerous Onika is. “Elise,” he starts, but Monroe cuts him off.

“Can you do that?” Monroe asks me. “You're full of light, more light than any Forgotten—what can you do?”

“I can bring on the Need.”

Monroe smiles then, something small and private. He stands with effort, steadying himself on the table as he passes. “I have to go see Marceline. I think I have a plan.” He pauses to look back at me. “But, sweetheart,” he says sadly, “this always ends the same way. You know that, right?”

My lips part with the start of an argument, but I say nothing. Not now. Not after everything I've seen. The Shadows are awful, and if I can stop them, won't it be worth it?

“What does that mean?” Harlin asks, coming to sit next to me. “I know you're not suggesting she sacrifice herself again, because that's not going to happen.”

“Harlin, friend,” Monroe says. “She's not of this earth. She can't stay, not when she isn't meant to.”

“Maybe that's why she's back,” he challenges. “She not like the other Forgotten. You don't know what her destiny is.”

I stare down into my lap, grief enveloping me. I don't want to give up my life, but I'm not sure there's another way. Harlin begins to argue with Monroe. His harsh tone becomes raspy with the strain of his words. He threatens to leave—to take me with him.

When I finally lift my head, Monroe gazes over at me with a pleading expression. “Talk to him,” he murmurs, standing at the door. “Get some rest and call me when you wake. I believe Onika will be waiting for you.” He turns. “It's nearly time.”

CHAPTER 27

I
watch Monroe cross the parking lot to his rental car. When I turn, Harlin is standing close by with his shoulders slumped. He's torn, probably debating whether or not to kidnap me and run far away. I wish we could.

I close the door, leaning against it as I throw the lock. I'm no longer weak from my run-in with Abe; instead a buzz hums under my skin, my memories strong and clear. I know who and what I am. And I know what it means for me and Harlin. No matter what, there was never a chance for us—the universe didn't allow it.

“This is probably our last day,” I tell him. When he doesn't raise his head, I move to put my fingers on his bare chest. His heart beats wildly beneath them, and I know it's breaking. I can't say good-bye like this. “Tell me you love me,” I whisper.

Harlin raises his head and slides his hand along my waist to pull me closer. His hazel eyes search my every feature. “I love you,” he says in his low voice. “And I'll never lie to you again.” Harlin runs his thumb over my lips. “Which is probably why I should tell you that I have no intention of letting you sacrifice yourself. Now kiss me.”

I press my mouth to his, hot and desperate. I can't focus on anything but being with him, about the fire between us. We stumble back toward the bed as Harlin pulls at my clothes, murmuring that he loves me. That he'll die without me.

His hands are gentle on my skin as my fingers thread through his hair. Soon my words blur into whispered promises. I tell him that I love him, have always loved him.

And I promise that I'll never leave him again.

 

I stretch my arms over my head as I wake, a little sore, but otherwise okay. I hear the shower going in the bathroom and smile to myself, thinking about Harlin. I barely have time to sit up before my phone vibrates on the side table.

“Hey, kid,” my father says when I answer. I immediately remember my sister, and there's a sinking in my gut. We'll never truly be a family again. How can we be? Lucy handed me over to Abe last night, an obvious sign of her darkening intentions. She might be dangerous to my father. At that thought, I brace myself.

“Dad,” I say. “I need you to stay away from Lucy.”

He chuckles. “Uh, well, that's kind of difficult seeing that she's here right now. She surprised me with breakfast this morning. Sorry about yesterday, not sure how I fell asleep at my desk.” He pauses. “Hold on. Here's your sister right now.” My breath catches in my throat.

“Hi, Elise,” Lucy says brightly. “I went by the house and you weren't home. Where are you?”

Dread spreads through my body. “What are you doing?” I ask quietly.

“Spending time with our father. That's what matters now, right? Time.”

“Are you going to hurt him?”

Lucy chokes out a laugh. “What? Why in the world would you think that? Elise . . . have you been drinking?”

“Drinking?” I hear my father say off-line, concern in his voice.

“Please don't harm him, Lucy,” I whisper. “He doesn't—”

There's a loud
click
as the line goes dead. At that moment, the shower shuts off in the bathroom. My body trembles as I set the phone aside.

My sister has the power to tempt my father into doing anything. It doesn't mean my dad will, but sometimes those whispers blot out the sense of things. Sometimes the whispers become our thoughts, driving us to do things we wouldn't normally do.

Harlin walks out wrapped in a towel, drops of water still clinging to his skin. He smiles at me broadly, but soon his expression clears when he realizes that something is wrong.

I tell him we should find Monroe, and he quietly agrees before going to get dressed. I sit there a minute longer, looking out the slightly open curtain to the hazy parking lot. The Need hums under my skin, and my heart is full of love and regret. I don't know what's to come, but I'm glad I won't face it alone.

 

The sun is shrouded with clouds as we head to Marceline's to meet Monroe. We're riding down Main Street past Santo's when a sudden gust of wind blows by us. It's so unexpected that Harlin swerves after having overcorrected and we nearly spin out.

Harlin quickly lets off the gas and puts down his boots, skidding us to a stop. He curses, and then asks if I'm okay. I nod, my heart pounding in my chest as I start to climb off the bike.

I feel a cold prickle over my cheeks, the bridge of my nose—like someone is watching me. My body stills because I recognize the feeling.

Standing in the middle of Main Street is Abe, wearing a black suit, his hair slicked smooth. Smiling. The fear that strikes me is so acute, I'm not sure I can move.

Santo's Restaurant is on my right, the lights inside burning bright even though there doesn't appear to be anyone inside—the
CLOSED
sign illuminated in the widow. A tumbleweed rolls by me and travels down the road past Abe.

The motorcycle engine cuts out and then Harlin is next to me, his hand sliding into mine. When it does, I feel myself relax slightly, my bravery returning.

The street is quiet and I think Abe has sent everyone away, back to their homes, out to dinner. He's isolated this small space just for us.

Abe's face is calm and unreadable. “Wish you would have listened to me, Seer,” he tosses in Harlin's direction. “You're meddling in things you shouldn't.”

“You can't have her,” Harlin says simply.

Abe's dark eyes flick to our hands and he shakes his head. “It was really that easy?” he asks me, his voice thick with contempt. “To fall in love with him even though I was right here?”

“You're not really my type, Abe,” I say.

“I'm too handsome?” He grins.

“Too evil.”

He nods, like he accepts that description. “You probably won't believe me if I say that I've changed. That I'll bring you flowers and chocolates if you just come over here right now. Hell, I won't even touch you.”

“That's not going to happen,” Harlin says.

“Fine.” Abe throws his hands up. “Lucy?” he calls. “Come out here.” My chest seizes and I hear the jingle of the front door of Santo's.

My sister walks out, the hoops gone from her lip and her eyebrow. Her hair is brushed back, and she's wearing the long black dress I'd seen her in earlier.

She watches me as she struts toward Abe. “Good to see you, Elise.”

Tears sting my eyes, making me blink. Even though I wasn't always here, as Elise, I still feel like Lucy is my real sister; I still have those memories as if I lived them. It kills me that she chose to become a Shadow. I'm not sure she realizes what she's done yet.

“Hello, Lucy,” Harlin says. I look sideways at him, surprised to hear him call to her. He sounds compassionate. Caring. He sounds like a Seer.

“Always nice to see you, Harlin,” my sister says, a wry smile on her lips.

“Thanks,” he replies. “But you should have gone with the light. You should have fulfilled your destiny. Now you're stuck here forever.”

“Forever's not that long,” she says. “Not when you consider the alternative is never having existed.”

Harlin concedes, but tilts his head. “What did the Shadow promise you?”

“This,” Lucy says, motioning to herself. “A body. Life.”

“You're not alive.”

I push Harlin's shoulder, both in defense of my sister and because I'm wondering what he's trying to do. I'm not sure he should be ticking her off right now.

“Maybe not,” she snaps. “But I can do all sorts of neat things now. Like this—”

Lucy flicks her hand, a movement I've seen Onika use before when she'd make the pain of the Need disappear. But when my sister does it, Harlin blinks quickly, staggering back a step.

“You okay?” I ask, reaching for his arm. But his face has gone sickly pale, and he falls to his knees next to me. “Harlin,” I say. And then to my absolute horror, he raises his eyes to the empty space in front of him.

“Dad?” he asks.

CHAPTER 28

M
y gaze flicks back to my sister, burning with anger. “Don't you dare!” I growl. “Make it go away, now, Lucy!”

But my sister isn't paying attention to me. She's watching Harlin, her lips moving soundlessly with whatever she's telling him. Just like when I was Charlotte, Onika showed me Mercy and Sarah on the Rose City Bridge to trick me into leaving with her, Lucy is showing Harlin his deceased father. And I might just kill her for it.

“Stop it!” I scream fiercely, the gold under my skin glowing stronger, burning my flesh.

My sister finally looks to me, but she's changing as she does. Lines begin to crack her skin, peeling away to the gray underneath. “Maybe it's what he wants. He's always wished he could see his father again. Maybe if Harlin dies, he will. It's poetic, really.” She turns back to my boyfriend. “Harlin,” she whispers. “It's okay to let go. It's okay to—”

“No!” I drop down next to Harlin, putting my hands on his face, turning it roughly toward me. “It's not real,” I whisper, trying to get him to see me past his tear-filled eyes. “He's not here, Harlin. He's just an image cast by a Shadow. You know that.”

Harlin's mouth is open, gasping in horrified breaths. “He's bleeding,” he murmurs. “Elise, he's bleeding to death.” Harlin looks back at the space where I assume he can see the image of his father dying—something he's never dealt with. Grief he's never let himself feel.

I blink, tears falling down my cheeks when I do. The light grows within me, and I take my arms from around Harlin and stand, facing Lucy. Facing Abe.

“Make her stop,” I tell Abe, choking back the sorrow in my voice. “Make her stop before she kills him.”

“Why would I do that,
querida
?” Abe asks, shaking his head. “It's inspired, actually. Who knew your boyfriend was so tenderhearted?”

“Abe,” I plead. “Please.”

Abe stares back at me, appearing almost hurt that I'd want to save Harlin. But soon the moment passes, and he reaches to pull at his bottom lip as if lost in a thought. “Leave him be,” he says to Lucy, not looking at her.

My sister sighs, and directs her gaze on Harlin. Her hand flicks out and then Harlin moans, leaning forward to rest his forehead on the pavement, his body still shaking.

“You're a terrible Seer, Harlin,” Lucy calls. “You know that, right?”

“I'm aware,” he says weakly, not lifting his head. “And if I ever question it, I'll think back on the great times we've shared.”

“See, Elise,” Abe calls. “I'm not all bad. I'll treat you well, especially when you're glowing so beautifully bright. I just want to hold you in my arms. Kiss you.”

“I will kick your ass if you ever touch her again,” Harlin says evenly, finally climbing to his knees as he tries to stand. “I will seriously beat you senseless.”

“You're almost adorable,” Abe says to him. “Not the smartest guy I've ever met, but your dogged devotion is an attractive quality—even to me. Of course, I'm going to kill you. But I won't make you suffer.”

Harlin shrugs as if Shadows hit on and then threaten to kill him all the time. “I don't think that will happen, Abraham.”

Abe seems to consider. “We'll see.”

The clouds above us gather, blotting out the sky as they plunge us into a darkness, even though it's still morning. The streetlights click on, bathing the Shadows in a filtered yellow glow.

Lucy checks over her nails and then meets my eyes. “If you'll just listen to him”—she motions to Abe—“he'll make it better. You won't have to worry about the light, the Shadows. Hell, we can go back to being a family—at least for a while. Don't you want that?”

My face stings as if she slapped me. “Of course I want that,” I say. “But, Lucy. You just almost killed my boyfriend! You're filled with evil impulses and Wants. I can't exactly sit down for lasagna with you now.”

“You can forget.” And for the first time since she's changed, I see a bit of hope on her face. “Maybe we'll even take Dad and run away.”

“Not likely,” Onika's voice rings out. “She's not going anywhere—not when I've only just found her.”

The pressure that's been building finally explodes in my chest as I look past my sister to see Onika walking toward us down the road.

“How are you, Charlotte?” she asks.

“It's Elise,” I tell her, trying to keep my face brave. She shrugs like she doesn't care.

“What's happening?” Harlin whispers, tilting his head near mine as his eyes sweep the area.

“Onika's here.” Nothing has changed since the last time I saw her in person. She's still beautiful—or at least she projects herself that way. And she still doesn't let anyone see her other than those who were once Forgotten.

Being this close to her again, I feel the light under my skin react to her. Warming me up from the inside, my bones hot enough to tear through my skin. But I don't wince, or show any signs of the pain.

Abe turns to her, his features painted in anger. “She's mine,” he growls.

“Abraham.” Onika laughs dismissively. “Don't be a child. You can't handle her sort of light, can never change her or possess her. She should only be destroyed.”

“Still mine.”

“Listen,” Onika says to Abe, hand on her hip. “You will not be the first Shadow I've had to extinguish, and believe me, I will enjoy doing it. Elise and I go back a while. This is meant to be, so to speak.” She gazes at me almost adoringly. “Our shared destiny. Now come here, darling. Leave your boy there.”

My first instinct is to grab something sharp and stab her, but I know it would hardly matter. She's immortal.

When I make no move she rolls her eyes. “Fine.”

Onika reaches to grab my sister by the throat and spins her to face me. “How about now?” Onika asks calmly. “I can rip your sister open and turn her to ash. You've seen it. But I'm curious, Elise. Do you think I can do that to a Forgotten? I've never tried before, but I think it'll work.”

“Let Lucy go,” I call, shrugging off Harlin's hand, where he's gripped my arm. “And I'll come willingly.”

“No,” Harlin says. “I won't let you.”

I turn suddenly, pressing my lips to his as I wrap my arms around him. He goes to move back, probably thinking I've lost my mind, when I murmur between my kisses to hide my words. “Get Monroe,” I whisper, and kiss him again.

“This is lovely,” Onika says, sounding impatient. “But if you two don't mind, there are more pressing issues than your desire for one another.”

When I pull away, Harlin keeps his arms around me, his face still tense with worry. Even though there are no more words to hide, he kisses me again, deep and passionate.

I let my fingers run slowly through his when he pulls away, glancing back only once before going to his bike. Onika and Abe seem pleased that he's leaving.

When Harlin is a safe distance away, I turn my glare to Onika. “Do you think I'll turn to ash or to light when you rip out my soul?” I ask her defiantly.

“Don't care.”

I take a few tentative steps toward her, not exactly sure what sort of plan Monroe has. But before I make another move forward, my vision starts to blur.

I am on the streets of Portland, my black hood up over my head as the rain mists down. He's just ahead of me, dodging through the crowd at the Saturday Market. His blond hair is longer than the last time I'd seen him on the roof, his walk more confident. I see he's doing just fine without me. My anger begins to coil around me, blotting out the sadness that had brought me here today.

“Get out of my mind!” Onika snarls. She pushes Lucy aside and brings her hands to her head as if she can protect her thoughts from my intrusion. I close my eyes, willing the Need to let me see.

I am Onika, following behind Monroe in the middle of the day, invisible to everyone. Refusing to let them see me. As Monroe pauses at a vendor, smiling at her the way he used to smile at me, I growl. He's replaced me so easily, so effortlessly. I gave up my destiny to be with him.

As Monroe continues to talk, I snake around him, running my fingers over his shoulders, across his jaw. I get right up in his face, peering into his bright blue eyes, and feel my heart constrict. What I wouldn't do to have them looking back into mine now.

I lower my head, hugging myself to him as if he could feel it. As if he could hold me. And for a second, I think that he will as he raises his arm. But when I look, he's only paying the vendor as she hands him a brown paper bag. My heart sinks, and I move away, following behind him once again.

As long as Monroe Swift walks this earth, I will be here, watching him. I'll never let him get close to a woman; I'll never let him have children—the children that he should have had with me. I will never find peace—and will never let him have it either.

On the road in front of me, Onika laughs cruelly. Her face breaks open, peeling as she lets her facade fade away. “Do you think you have me figured out?” she asks, her mouth pulled into a sneer. “Perhaps you should see more.” She closes her eyes and I'm shoved back into her visions, only this time I'm not on the streets of Portland.

I'm a child, in a filthy basement in Russia. And I'm not alone.

I don't last thirty seconds before I force myself out of her head, my body shivering. “No,” I say, my voice cracking. “I can't take it.”

Onika smiles sadly at this. “Neither could I. But that didn't much matter, now did it?” She pauses, as if contemplating her next move.

“If I destroy you,” she says quietly, “destroy the light—there will be no hope. The misery I spread will be unstoppable, not by anything. And only then, Elise, might it let me go. Can you imagine if your every thought, your every impulse, was covered in thick smoke—a choking desire that's only relieved by the most dastardly of things. Those men from my past—” She stops, composing herself. “The Shadows create the horror of this world,” she continues. “And humans cultivate it—putting it into action. I'm cursed, darling. And that curse is that I can't die. I will never have peace. And that's the cruelest fate of all.”

“What if there's another way?” I ask.

“There's not,” she says instantly. Then she raises one finger, beckoning me toward her. “I'll let him live,” she whispers. “Your boy? I won't harm him, or let Abraham harm him. I think that would be a fair trade.”

I shoot a glance at Abe, and he seems offended that Onika is speaking for him. At the same time, I see that he's calculating a move. I don't think Abe likes to lose. Lucy still sits on the ground, watching us with curiosity, a bit of fear.

“Harlin would rather die than see me give up so easily,” I say, knowing it's true. If she's going to take me out, she'll have to take me out fighting.

“Oh, he's not enough?” she asks, as if I'm being petty. “Well, I've got more. You know better than to think that a boy is all I could take from you.” She grins, her face filling in, becoming beautiful again. “I have your father.”

From the corner of my eye, I see Abe turn to Onika. Lucy sucks in a startled gasp, finding her way to her feet, and my heart feels like it might stop beating at any second.

Onika stands in front of Santo's, looking human. “Doug,” she calls sweetly.

A moan escapes me when I see my father walk out from the door of the old antique shop two stores down from Santo's. His clothes are dirty, his glasses missing. I know that he's not a projection, not a trick. She truly has him.

“Oh, Daddy,” I whimper, taking a step toward him. But I stop, not sure what to do. I need Monroe.

“Hey, kid,” my father says, sounding a bit dreamy. I notice then that Onika's lips are moving in tandem with my father's. “You've been a naughty girl, playing with Shadows.”

“Stop it,” I say, glaring at Onika. “Leave him alone.” I'm grateful that he's not dead, but her control over him is clear. Although Shadows can influence thoughts, they're not supposed to take people over. There's always supposed to be a choice.

“Yeah,” she says, as if she's part of the conversation in my head. “But things are different now, Elise. What is free will, really?” Her attention snaps to Lucy. “Don't even think it,” she sneers. “I don't mind killing my kind. In fact, you and Abraham are really starting to grate on my nerves.”

Abe's expression is weak as he watches my father, as if it bothers him.

Onika continues to talk, but I stop listening. I close my eyes, reaching for the light, the warmth. I try to reach Abe with the Need. For the first time I can see something inside him, a dull glow, a shred of humanity. I wind my way to it, drawing him out, finding the memory of when he was Forgotten.

I see Abe. He's a boy in Yuma living with his parents and his little brother. They don't have much, but the house is clean. Always enough to eat. His dad takes him four-wheeling every summer on the dunes while his brother watches, cheering every time they pass. They're so happy.

I open my eyes to see Abe staring at me, his eyes glassy as he experiences the memories at the same time I do. He doesn't want me to see what's next. He doesn't want to feel it again. But I press on anyway.

When Abe is sixteen, I watch as his parents are killed in an accident, a hit-and-run. His father lies on the road, his lungs slowly filling with blood as he tries to keep breathing long enough to make sure help arrives. He doesn't know that Maria is already dead not three feet away. Abe is still strapped in the backseat, unconscious.

The scene changes, and his brother, Richie, is on life support. Abe clings to his bed, begging him not to leave. Begging for his family. And as I watch, his baby brother slips away. Leaving him truly orphaned.