A Week in Winter: A Novel (45 page)

‘Yes, you told me. But why was he attracted to her in the first place? What was missing in his relationship with you that he needed to look for it elsewhere?’

‘It was simply Patrick’s pathetic need for gratitude. His ego has to be bolstered up by being told he’s wonderful.’

‘Sounds like the rest of us,’ murmured Daphne. ‘And I gather that you resented supplying that need?’

‘Why should I?’ demanded Selina. ‘I’ve given him thirty years of support and he betrays me with a little tart and then leaves me. After everything I’ve done for him.’

‘What have you done for him?’

Selina shook her head with an expression which asked if Daphne was in her right mind. ‘I’ve supported him, brought up his children, run the home, taken all the responsibility. Patrick never had to think about anything but his job. Such as it was.’ Selina was flushed with righteous indignation. ‘And, even then, if it hadn’t been for Daddy’s generosity I’m not sure how we’d have survived.’

‘Sounds very businesslike,’ Daphne said judiciously. ‘The perfect wife and mother. Rather like a job description, isn’t it? But it tends to leave out the messy, human bits.’

‘What’s wrong with that? It works for decent people. It worked for my parents.’

‘Not altogether.’ Daphne’s calm voice belied her inward terror.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You are very like your mother, Selina. You keep to the letter of the law but it leaves out all the warmth and frailty and fun. Hilda was the same and, although your father was devoted to her, he needed some of that fun. Hilda rarely condemned or criticised, she was always correct, but her forgiveness was cold as charity; it could freeze sea water. Hector was different. He was infuriating, tiresome, overbearing, but he had a generosity and a kind of humility which made him great. Even he, honourable though he was, needed to breathe the ordinary air of the lesser mortals.’

‘If you mean Daddy was unfaithful to Mummy I don’t believe a word of it. He wasn’t like that.’

‘I don’t know what “like that” implies. There are so many areas of grey in a relationship. Your father certainly wasn’t promiscuous, he was like most of us are—human—and, like Patrick, he had a lapse.’

‘How would you know?’ asked Selina contemptuously.

‘Because he had it with me,’ said Daphne wearily.

They stared at each other across the table. Daphne held her trembling hands clenched in her lap but she kept her eyes fixed bravely on Selina’s.

‘I don’t believe you.’ But she did. Her face showed it.

‘He always regretted it.’ Daphne felt a compulsion to comfort. ‘It was at a bad time and he needed simple affection, uncomplicated fun. He wanted to be seen as Hector, not just as a provider.’ She was pleading now, wondering how she could have destroyed Selina’s trust so cruelly. ‘Hilda never knew.’

‘How could he do it to her?’

‘It wasn’t like that. Not premeditated. It just flared up out of nothing—’

‘And how could
you
do it? You were her best friend. Oh!’ She covered her face with her hands. ‘I can’t believe this.’

‘I loved him, you see.’ Daphne spoke quietly, rather as if she were talking to herself. ‘I loved him so much. Philip was rather like Hilda—punctilious, proper, kind, but there was no warmth, no hugs and silliness and ordinary fun. Hector and I were rather like brother and sister. No.’ She shook her head. ‘More like cousins. We could hug and joke and be silly but occasionally there was a flash of something else. I loved him, Selina.’

Selina raised her head. Her eyes were puzzled and Daphne was seized with guilt.

‘But you loved Mummy too. Didn’t it bother you at all?’

‘Oh, my dear child.’ Daphne almost laughed. ‘Have you never known
that kind of passion? That mindlessness that sweeps everything before it? The kind of need that you’d sacrifice everything for gladly? No, clearly not. Well, it’s a sort of madness that possesses you and that’s the only excuse I can offer you. For a few days your father and I were mad together. If it’s any comfort, he never forgave himself. That’s what he was apologising for at the end. It was nothing to do with Maudie. It was me he was apologising for.’

Selina sat in silence, staring back into the past, adjusting her ideas.

‘And Mummy never knew?’ Daphne shook her head. ‘And how did you deal with it afterwards? Weren’t you tempted again?’

‘I was too busy having Emily,’ she said almost bitterly, ‘and Hector was too angry with me for it to happen again.’

Selina leaned forward. ‘What do you mean?’ she cried fearfully. ‘Do you mean Emily is Daddy’s child?’

Daphne looked at her compassionately. ‘She’s your half-sister,’ she said. ‘Your father was unable to acknowledge her. At least you know that. You can believe that because you know it to be true, Selina. Nobody ever guessed.’

Selina looked so shocked that Daphne filled up her glass for her. She took it mechanically and drank but she seemed dazed.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Daphne at last. ‘I simply didn’t know if I should tell you. It’s just that Emily is hoping that you’ll come out and stay with us. She was always very fond of you, Selina, as you know, but young Tim looks just like Posy did at that age, just like Hector, and I think it’s only fair that you should know.’

‘Emily knows, then?’

‘I told her when Philip died.’

‘What did she say?’

‘I wondered if she’d suspected something. She took it so calmly. Philip never guessed, of course, and she loved him very much, but she was always very fond of Hector and of you and Patricia.’

Selina’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Emily was like a little sister,’ she said. ‘I loved Emily …’

‘I hope you’ll go on doing it,’ said Daphne gently. ‘I can understand that you might not be able to forgive me but none of it was Emily’s fault.’

They sat in silence for a while. Selina felt as if she’d drifted from some safe, quiet mooring into a busy waterway and she was trying to take a
bearing on her present position. Her head was dizzy with wine and shock, and presently she looked at Daphne.

‘I was thinking,’ Daphne said carefully, ‘if a visit to see us all might be good for you.’

Selina shook her head helplessly. How would she feel, visiting Emily, knowing her to be her half-sister, remembering what Daphne had said about her father;
their
father? How would she deal with it? Pride wearily raised its head.

She thought: But I was first. Daddy loved me. Emily never had that.

Somehow, though, she felt that, with Emily, it needn’t be important.

‘I keep wondering,’ she said, dully, too tired to think clearly, ‘whether Patrick might come home.’

‘I think he might.’ Daphne smiled encouragingly at her. ‘I think Patrick needed to feel useful. The Mary thing isn’t important—try to forget about it if you can—but this was a challenge, a crusade. After a year or so he might feel he’d like to come back. If you could cope with it. But wouldn’t it be better if you weren’t sitting and waiting? Don’t you think you’d feel more positive if you’d been getting on with your own life while he’s sorting himself out?’

‘What life?’

‘For a start you could come out to Canada. You could meet your nieces and nephew and you could see how Emily runs her business. After that delicious supper I must say that I think you could do worse than start your own little outfit.’

Selina stared at her. ‘Cooking, you mean?’

‘Why not? There must be a tremendous demand for lunches and supper-parties in London. It’s quite a smart thing to do, isn’t it? And rather fun. Emily meets all sorts of famous people. You could see for yourself. She’d love it.’

‘I’d need to think about it.’

‘Well, naturally. We’ll talk about it again, over the weekend. That’s if you want me to stay.’

Selina took a deep breath in and let it out very slowly. ‘Yes, of course I do. I’m just rather … overwhelmed.’

‘Of course you are. I’m sorry, Selina.’

‘I think I’ll go to bed. My head is beginning to pound. Do you think you can find your own way around?’

She stood up, glancing about the kitchen as though puzzled that everything was still the same.

‘Go to bed,’ said Daphne gently. Til clear up. Tomorrow is another day.’

‘Thanks. Good night then.’

She went out and Daphne poured herself another glass of wine. It was done and the bond had not broken; strained, weakened, but not broken.

She thought: I must warn Emily that I’ve told her and that I’ve invited her to stay. I’m sure it was the right thing to do. Oh God, I am so tired.

She stood up, stiff after sitting for so long, and, moving slowly and painfully about the kitchen, began the process of clearing up.

‘The thing is,’ said Posy, as though it were the only thing in the world that could matter, ‘I love him.’

She stared at Maudie anxiously but with a determination which Maudie did not for a moment underestimate. She knew that she’d let Posy down, that Posy had counted on her total sympathy and support. Yet her desire to be at one with this beloved child, her fear of risking her love, struggled with a requirement to show Posy the whole picture.

‘Don’t misunderstand me,’ she said gently. ‘I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t marry him. It’s simply that you’ll be sacrificing your own career to his.’

‘That’s what Mum said,’ Posy sighed. ‘The thing is that I want to be with Mike and Luke. It’s been fun hanging out with Jude and Jo and stuff but now I want to get on with my life, Maudie. I’ve never had any clear idea as to quite what I’d do once I’ve graduated. The theatre is a difficult world to break into and it’s not the kind of degree that gives you an automatic entry into one of the professions. I know what you’re all thinking. You want me to have some career of my own in case things go wrong later and Mike and I split up.’

‘Something like that,’ admitted Maudie. ‘You mustn’t be too hard on us for wanting to protect you.’

‘I’m not.’ Posy’s face softened. ‘I know that you’re only thinking about what’s best for me. But Mum’s certificate from Miss Sprules thirty years ago isn’t much help to her now, is it?’

Maudie sighed. ‘I expect you’re right. Technology changes so quickly these days. Things are out of date before you even start on them but at least you’ll have your degree. It shows you’ve reached a level of application and learning.’

‘I’ll have my degree,’ agreed Posy. ‘And, anyway, I think that being with Mike and looking after Luke will be pretty useful job experience. I could always get a job as a nanny. Look at it like that.’

‘Has Luke’s mother completely abandoned him?’

Posy nodded, her face sombre. ‘She’s got this really brilliant Hollywood career now, and she doesn’t want to know. It’s been sorted out legally, though. Mike didn’t want her turning up suddenly five years on, deciding that she’d have Luke back. It’s complicated but Mike seems quite certain that there won’t be problems.’

Maudie sighed inwardly. How confident the young were, how self-assured.

‘You don’t mind being a stepmother?’ She had to ask the question. ‘It doesn’t worry you?’

‘I don’t mind a bit.’ Posy smiled at her comfortingly. ‘It’s not like it was for you, Maudie. Luke can’t remember his mother. He’s not even twelve months old. It’s a bit different from two teenage girls.’

‘I know it is.’ Maudie smiled back at her, trying to relax. ‘You must be patient. It’s all rather sudden and I’m having to adjust my ideas.’

‘But you liked Mike,’ said Posy, ‘didn’t you? You thought he was really nice. You said so.’

‘I liked Mike very much,’ agreed Maudie, ‘but I didn’t look at him in the light of being your husband. It makes a bit of a difference.’

‘I want you to meet him properly,’ said Posy. ‘Could he come down? He could stay in Bovey. If you got to know him I know you’d be much happier.’

‘I’d like that,’ said Maudie gratefully. She knew she had no right to demand such a favour. At moments like these she never forgot that Posy was no blood relation at all and that only out of love might Posy grant her such a privilege. ‘That would be wonderful—if Mike agrees to it.’

‘Oh, Mike’s looking forward to meeting you again,’ said Posy cheerfully. ‘He’s just as worried as you are. He knows that a divorced man with a small child isn’t everyone’s idea of a good catch and he doesn’t want me to miss out. The trouble is, I know that my heart just wouldn’t be in a career now. It would be down at Moorgate with Mike and Luke. If you
love someone you want to be with them, don’t you? Just because you’re young doesn’t necessarily mean that you have forty years ahead of you. Look at Melissa.’

‘Yes,’ said Maudie, after a moment. ‘Yes, that’s quite true.’ She was remembering how she’d felt when she’d met Hector and their absolute need to be together. She knew that many of his friends had been shocked when they’d married as soon as his year of mourning for Hilda was completed, yet they couldn’t have helped themselves, even if they’d wanted to; being together was all that had mattered.

She thought: And we were adults. Middle-aged and supposedly sensible.

‘Mike really misses her,’ Posy was saying. ‘Luke does, too. Isn’t it really bizarre that I met her, Maudie? I can’t get over it. I want to take Mike into the Mill when he comes down, to show him where we had coffee together. It’s really weird, like it was meant. She was so pretty and such fun. I can’t believe she was dying. Oh, Maudie.’ She shivered. ‘It just makes you want to grab at life with both hands, doesn’t it? Oh, I know that’s what’s worrying you, that I’m just going into this with my eyes shut, but it’s not
like
that.’

‘No,’ said Maudie with an effort. ‘I’m sure it isn’t. We’re all being too interfering. Bring Mike down by all means. And Luke too. It will be good to be able to spend some time with him. Don’t be too hard on us, Posy. It’s too trite for words to say that we only want your happiness. It’s hubristic too. Who are we to suppose that we can ordain happiness for other people when we can’t organise our own lives?’

‘Dad said something like that,’ said Posy. ‘He wrote to me after I’d telephoned him. It’s a really nice letter. Actually, I think he and Mike will get on really well together.’

‘I wouldn’t be at all surprised. How’s Selina taking it?’