A White Coat Is My Closet (5 page)

The bar was hopping, and it took a while to navigate through the crowd. When I’d finally made my way to the table, I was greeted by five friendly, enthusiastic faces. Gary pulled the chair they had been saving for me out from under the table and gestured for me to sit down. After licking some salt off the rim of his margarita and taking a healthy sip, he eyed me with an inquisitive glance. “Crowded, huh? Were you looking for us long?”

“You kidding me? I could hear Dec cackling from the parking lot. Just had to follow the sound of him laying that egg!”

The whole group, including Declan, broke into smiles, but Declan was unfazed by my teasing. Without missing a beat, he retorted, “You’re just hoping that your ass will see that kind of action. Though, as tight-assed as you are, you’d better hope it’s a small egg or”—his grin broadened with anticipation—“that you’re nailed by a really tiny rooster.”

The group was immediately reduced to sidesplitting laughter. I was pretty broken up too. Shit, I had to admit, Declan was the king of the comebacks. “Okay, Dec, I give up. I guess compared to you, a rooster does have a big dick. You still have to buy me a drink.”

That drew another whoop of laughter from our friends, and I caught myself grinning warmly at Declan, a little proud I had rebounded from his teasing and salvaged a parting shot. He could have retaliated again, and we could have fallen into our customary exchange of innocent insults, but instead, he threw his arm around my shoulder, pushed a quick kiss against my cheek, and asked me, “So what are you drinking, asshole?”

“Margarita’s good. Rocks, no salt. You really buying?”

“First one’s on me. You can buy the next round. It’s Friday night—we’re gonna be here for a while.”

My lightheartedness sank just for an instant. “Just one or two for me. I gotta be home by around ten. I’m on call tomorrow and will have to be up early.”

Declan, who was unwavering in his support of me, immediately tried to buffer my disappointment. “No problem. I’ll probably be calling it an early night too. Had the week from hell at work. Besides, when you’re a real doctor and pulling in the big bucks, all the shit you’ve had to endure will have seemed worth it.” He bumped shoulders with me, lifted his own drink to his mouth, and winked.

I bumped him back, refused to allow myself to become sullen, and quipped, “I already am a real doctor. I just have the privilege of working for slave wages.”

His smile brightened, and he seemed determined to keep the mood light. “Slave wages, huh? Didn’t know you were into kink. When will we get to meet your master?” He flashed me a cockeyed smile but tried to inflect a tone of absolute sincerity into his voice.

I smiled back. “You wanna meet him, you’d better make my drink a double!”

He gave my shoulder another squeeze, then directed the conversation back to the group. He cast a quick glance in my direction to be sure he had my attention then gestured with his drink toward Alex. “I was laying that egg when you came in because Alex was regaling us with more of his infamous travel stories. No one on the planet could get themselves into more shit traveling than Alex. With the situations he finds himself in, it’s a wonder his dick hasn’t dropped off.”

Alex blushed but offered no argument. “Not my fault my ass has international appeal. It’s not like I’m looking to get laid.”

That comment almost brought the rest of us to our feet. The shouts from everyone sitting at the table came out in a simultaneous rush. “You don’t do anything other than to try to get laid,” I said.

Alex just offered a sheepish shrug. “Man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. So much dick, so little time.” He wasn’t able to duck before the cube of ice John lobbed at him bounced off his forehead.

“Fuck, that hurt.” He gave an exaggerated wail and covered his forehead with both hands.

“Head’s so fuckin’ big, how could I’ve missed?” John jeered. “Besides, I thought the ice might help to cool you down, seeing how you think you’re such hot shit.”

Everyone knew the jabs were in jest, and the laughter continued. Fully recovered, Alex tossed a piece of ice at John, intending for it to just fall into his lap. “I do believe that’s the voice of jealousy, grasshopper. You just need lessons from someone who knows how to use the force.”

“Just because you’re wrinkled, green, and have big ears and a little dick doesn’t make you Yoda. Besides, the only light saber you own is the pink dildo in your bedside table.”

The cumulative laugh again crescendoed and miraculously left Alex momentarily at a loss for words. “It’s blue, not pink, and you can borrow it anytime you’d like.”

The volume of laughing and talking continued to ebb and flow, and my margarita was put in front of me. I raised my glass in a toast to my friends, all of whom were probably on at least their second drink by then, and toasted, “Here’s to the nectar of the gods.”

I didn’t even have time to swallow before Tyler acknowledged my toast with a question. “Nectar of the gods? Damn, Zack, you drink jizz by the glass?”

A mouthful of perfectly good margarita made with a fine Patron tequila went exploding out of my mouth in an attempt to avoid choking. The whole spectacle brought the table into an even greater fit of hysterics.

Eager to change the subject, I directed my question back to Alex. “So, dude, which travel story were you telling when I walked in? This isn’t another rendition of Australia and the blackout, is it?”

Alex went immediately crimson. “Skip it, Zack; that’s not a story for mixed company.”

His silence, so uncharacteristic of Alex, brought everyone’s eyes up in unison, each expression screaming with curiosity, demanding an explanation.

The never bashful Declan took the lead. “So, Alex, sounds like there’s something you might want to share with us about your experiences in Australia.”

Even the tips of Alex’s ears turned pink. He really did have a reputation. Alex was not the best-looking guy in the world, but he exuded self-confidence, and more importantly, was both relentless and had no shame. He could walk up to the best-looking guy in the bar and come on to him. If the response he got was to be told to eat shit and die, rather than crawling away in shame, Alex would be encouraged. “Eating, that’s a good thing. Does that mean you’d like to blow this place and go grab a bite with me?” Frequently, I thought the guy Alex was coming on to was so taken aback by Alex’s persistence that he’d end up taking Alex home.

The rest of us thought it incredible and might have even been a slight bit jealous, but we were nonetheless kind of stupefied by Alex’s success with the “A-list” men. Average-looking at best, he really did have a knack for hooking up with the hotties.

Alex’s ears continued to burn, and despite his insistence that he was going to kill me for alluding to what was yet another embarrassing episode in his epic life, he beamed at the prospect of flying solo in the spotlight. It had already been established that he had no shame. Didn’t matter if the story might be embarrassing as hell, Alex loved the notoriety and lived to entertain.

He shrugged at me dismissively. “Go ahead, Sheldon. If they wanna hear the story, you tell it.” His blush seeped back into his cheeks, and for a second he looked kind of self-conscious. “It wasn’t one of my prouder moments, but it will make you guys laugh your asses off. Besides”—his air of cockiness returned—“it was kind of hot!”

“Hot?” I pitched forward in my chair. “It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life. If it had happened to me, I would have had to shoot everyone in the room just to be sure I left no living witnesses.”

The others at the table looked between Alex and me, growing more curious, more expectant, and more impatient. Tyler finally broke the tension. “I don’t give a shit which one of you tells the story, but one of you had better start talking or you’re both going to get bombarded with a shower of ice.”

Alex picked at some of the salt on the rim of his glass with a feigned attitude of indifference. “You tell it, Zack; you tell it better anyway.” He sank a little lower in his chair, knowing full well that at the conclusion of the story, he would be without even an ounce of virtue. He shook almost imperceptibly. He’d be embarrassed, yes, but, in his eyes, anyway, he’d be infamous. Worth the price.

“Well.” I cleared my throat to ensure I had everyone’s attention. “As you all know, our friend here is a world traveler, which for him means there’s not a square inch on this entire globe where he hasn’t shot a load.” Alex sat up a little but slouched quickly when I added, “Though it’s mostly the result of him abusing himself with his own hand.”

“Sheldon,” he protested, “just get on with the story. If we hope to eat sometime within the next five years, the waitress is gonna have to take our orders soon. Skip the commentary. The story is bad enough.”

“Anyway,” I continued as if I hadn’t been interrupted, “shortly after Alex arrived in Sydney, he scored an invitation to a private party.” I looked at him with the slightest hint of admiration. “It’s beyond me how you succeeded in doing that.”

Alex’s gaze never strayed from examining the salt on the rim of his glass. “Like I told you, Zack, men find me irresistible; now get to the fucking point already.”

“Right. Well, it was about six o’clock in the evening, the party wasn’t going to start until around eleven, and Alex was starving. In addition, because jet lag had really kicked in, he knew he was gonna have to take a nap if he wanted any chance of being on his best game for the party. Dilemma. How, in an unfamiliar city, do you find a filling meal and still salvage enough time for meaningful shut-eye? Well, given Alex’s infamous travel luck, the solution presented itself in that exact moment in the form of a catering truck that pulled into the beach parking lot. Perfect, he thought. I can grab something, eat it on the walk back to the hotel, and still have plenty of time to sleep and take a shower.”

Silence fell over the table as I poured more inflection into my voice to guarantee an entertaining story.

“It took mere seconds for Alex to decide on a burrito grande. He had the foil covering the tortilla peeled back and was biting into it enthusiastically the instant it hit his hands. The whole thing was gone before Alex was within a block of his hotel, and as he walked through the lobby, he could already envision falling unconscious into the comfort of the waiting king-sized bed.”

I slowly waved my hand through the air to indicate the passage of time. “Alex awoke at nine thirty. His stomach had a few rumblings but nothing of any consequence, and certainly nothing that would warrant backing out of the party invite. He was showered and out the door by ten forty-five, giving fleeting consideration to maybe grabbing a package of Tums before he thrust the address of the party into the taxi driver’s hand. ‘Fuck it,’ he thought, ‘I’ve never been slowed down by a little indigestion.’”

Already the gang sitting around the table began to nod knowingly. They had a premonition where the story was heading.

“Anyway, by midnight the party was already at maximum velocity, and Alex had scored the attention of one of the hottest guys there. His stomach cramps were more frequent and a little more severe, but Alex was able to ignore them by focusing all his attention on the bulge in ‘hot guy’s’ Levi’s. Though, in a situation like this, introductions are superfluous, Alex was surprised to learn that the hot guy in tight Levi’s was, in fact, named Levi.

“Levi, who himself was apparently not too bashful, pushed Alex’s hand into his crotch, leaned forward, ran his tongue seductively over his ear, then whispered the magic invite: ‘This party has a back room; you wanna go check it out with me?’”

The expressions around our table were now mixed. Some were flushed with the image of Levi, and some were already twisting with embarrassment, knowing we hadn’t heard the last of the burrito.

“Alex stood, was pulled by Levi through the crowd at the party, and was pushed down an unlit corridor. He put his hand over his own stomach in an attempt to settle its rumblings, but was immediately distracted when Levi pushed him through the single door at the end of the hall. The light was brighter than he’d anticipated, and as a result, he was better able to appreciate all the people having sex around the perimeter of the room. In a word, it was
hot
. New territory even for our experienced traveling friend Alex.”

I glanced over at Alex, and rather than detecting any indication of embarrassment, I noted he was completely caught up in the story. It was as if he neither knew the outcome nor that the story involved his own escapade.

I continued. “The tension as well as the passion were both ramped up a notch when Alex felt Levi beginning to unbutton his shirt. Standing behind Alex, Levi pulled Alex’s ass hard against his crotch, let his hands slide down his chest, and let the stubble of his beard rub against Alex’s cheek. Holding Alex in his powerful grip, Levi was able to pivot Alex’s body so Alex was forced to look straight ahead. There, hanging from brackets in the ceiling, was a sling. Levi’s breath was warm in Alex’s ear. ‘You gonna let me have you in that?’

“A cascade of thoughts slammed through Alex’s brain. ‘This is one of the hottest guys I’ve ever seen; I’ve never been in a sling before, but the idea has always been a turn-on. My stomach’s been churning for a couple hours, but if the cramps haven’t gotten intolerable by now, I’ll probably be okay.’

“Sadly, Levi took Alex’s hesitation as his unspoken consent to participate, so before Alex knew what was happening, his pants were around his ankles, he was being hoisted into the sling, and Levi was putting a condom over his own massive erection.

“Well, my friends, as a doctor, let me just inform you that though a person might be able to ignore stomach cramps when they’re standing upright and clenching their buttcheeks closed, it’s impossible to do so when their ass is swinging in a sling and their ankles are bound in stirrups suspended from the ceiling. The second Levi pressed a lubed finger into Alex’s pucker, all hell broke loose.”

By this time everyone, including Alex, was in hysterics, and like a comedian pushing a crowd into painful fits of laughter, I embellished the story even more.