A Woman Lost (12 page)

After a day of classes and working on my own research, I called it a night around eight. All I wanted to do was to take a hot shower and crawl into bed. These long days were starting to kick my ass, and I was regularly avoiding going home at all.

The crisp night air cleared my head and invigorated my muscles as I rushed home. The bike computer inched past 1,000 miles. Smiling, I peddled harder.

As I put the key into my door, I heard giggling inside the apartment. Was Sarah on the phone? I panicked. Maybe she was talking to Maddie about decorating the new place.

I entered to find Sarah and Haley sitting on the couch, a pizza box, two wineglasses, and an empty bottle of wine on the table before them. It took a second for this to sink in. We hadn’t even moved in together yet, but she was already inviting friends over for pizza and drinks.

“About time! What do you do all day and night without calling?” inquired Haley.

Second shock of the night: here she was, a guest in my house, and she acted like this.

“Be nice, Haley. Lizzie has to work hard so she can get a good teaching position once she finishes her dissertation. It’s not easy you know.” She slapped Haley playfully on the leg.

“Ouch. I was only kidding.” Hayley sniggered. It was obvious she was inebriated.

Sarah’s hand lingered on Haley’s leg. I stared at her hand, trying to fathom what it meant. Sarah observed me and stood up quickly, but there was a faint smile on her face. Why?

“Are you hungry, baby? I saved some pizza for you. It’s your favorite.”

“Actually, I’m famished,” I said, pushing my thoughts aside.

“I’ll get you a drink.” Haley started to get up.

Sarah must have noticed my look of ‘Did your friend just offer me a drink in my own home?’ and pushed Haley back onto the couch. “Haley, you’re drunk. Sit down,” she said. Turning to me, she smiled. “Lizzie, what would you like to drink?”

“Do we have any Coke?”

“Yes, we do. One rum and Coke coming up. And, from the looks of it, heavy on the rum.” She kissed my cheek on her way to the kitchen.

I sat on the loveseat next to the couch. “So, Haley, what’s new with you?”

“Men fucking suck. You’re so lucky you are gay. Women would be so much easier. I fucking hate men.” She grabbed her wineglass and dramatically gulped the rest of her wine. “Sarah, we need more wine,” she shouted.

Haley was never happy. She always had drama in her life, and when there wasn’t any, she stirred it up. Her verbally abusive boyfriend had a temper like a clap of thunder. Haley knew he was an asshole, but still she stayed with him. Two or three times a week I would get an update from Sarah. Michael did this; Michael did that. Each time, Haley would swear it was over, but all of us knew she wouldn’t end it. Michael had no reason to end it; he treated her like shit, and then he got to fuck a hot woman when they inevitably had make-up sex.

Haley stared at me. I focused on the bookshelves. I could tell she was waiting for my prompt so she could divulge her woes. Instead, I yawned and stretched out my arms.

She sighed dramatically. I continued to ignore her.

“Honey, how was your day?” Sarah returned with my rum and Coke and sat next to me on the loveseat.

“Thanks, baby.” I took the drink and pecked her on the cheek. “I really need this tonight.”

“I thought you didn’t drink.” Haley’s tone was accusatory.

“Not usually. Only when I’m in my own home.”

“Oh. You are one of
those
. Never drink in front of your friends, but when you’re at home, you tie one on in the dark. That’s cool. I get it.”

Neither Sarah nor I responded. Instead, I turned to Sarah and asked her about her day.

“Lizzie, I tell you, I am so ready for winter vacation. Today, one boy burned another boy with a lighter right in my classroom. The burned boy didn’t even tell me. Another student told me what happened.”

“Are you fucking serious? What the fuck is going on with kids today?” Haley waved her empty wineglass in the air and nearly dropped it. She overcorrected and almost fell off the couch.

I wasn’t surprised that Sarah hadn’t already told Hayley the story; I knew better. When you talk to Haley, you talk only about Haley. She didn’t care to know the details of anyone else’s life.

I turned back to Sarah. “Are you okay?

“I guess so. College doesn’t prepare you for these types of situations, you know.”

“What did you do?”

“The security guys took him to the SRO.”

“What the fuck is an SRO? He should go to jail,” Haley muttered.

“An SRO is a cop. School Resource Officer. And the boy was arrested,” retorted Sarah.

“I’m so sorry, honey. Can I get you a drink?”

“Oh shit, I forgot to bring the wine.” Sarah jumped up off the couch and rushed into the kitchen.

Hayley set her empty wineglass down on the coffee table. “Jesus! After hearing about that, I wasn’t going to mention that she forgot the wine,” proclaimed Haley-the-Wonderful. Then she hiccupped.

Sometimes, I really wanted to slap some sense into her. How could Sarah be such good friends with Haley? What a selfish ass! Surely, Sarah wasn’t attracted to her. Yes, Haley was beautiful, but would Sarah be so blindsided by that?
No
.
No, Sarah wouldn’t be taken in by such a twit. A puerile twit.

Sarah returned and filled Haley’s wineglass, but not her own. Turning away from Hayley, she sat next to me on the loveseat. I offered her my drink and she took a generous gulp.

I spied a copy of the novel
Fifty Shades of Grey
on the coffee table. “Haley, are you seriously reading that crap?” I gestured to the book with my glass.

Sarah blanched. “Actually, I am. Haley said she loved it and gave it to me to try. I thought I’d find it funny, but for some reason, I can’t seem to put it down.” Color rushed back into her face‌—‌too much color.

Why had Haley given my girlfriend a sex book? And why did Sarah accept such a contemptible gift? What reprehensible plans did Haley have? Now, if she had given Sarah a copy of
Lady Chatterley’s Lover
, I might have considered her a worthy adversary. But
Fifty Shades
? It was rubbish for the masses. Pedestrian. No, worse! Imbecilic.

I put my arms around Sarah, marking my territory. It didn’t go unnoticed.

“Ah, isn’t that nice. You two look like lovebirds,” muttered Haley.

I resisted my urge to hurl my glass at her head.

Sarah stood up. “Haley, I think it’s time I drove you home.”

I darted out of my seat. “Sarah, wait! You’ve been drinking. I’ll drive her home.”

If Haley had any nefarious scheme, I planned on thwarting it.

There wasn’t an argument, but Haley looked disappointed.

She didn’t live too far away, so I was home within ten minutes. I found Sarah in the bathroom brushing her teeth.

Pulling the toothbrush out of her mouth, she said, “I’m sorry about Haley. She isn’t normally that bad.”

I shrugged and grabbed my toothbrush.

Sarah spat out a glob of toothpaste. “She doesn’t understand how hard you work.” She rubbed my back. “I know how stressed you are about finding a teaching position.”

My mind latched onto her last sentence. I wondered …
That might work!
I might have found my bluff.

Chapter Fifteen

I decided to run my plan by Ethan at our next coffee “date.”

“What do you mean?” Ethan plucked a cat hair off his shirt and peered over his glasses at me.

“What if I tell her it’s not a good time to buy a house because we don’t know where I’ll get a job. When she told Haley I have to work long hours so I can get a good teaching job, it struck me that, more than likely, I will be moving in the next year or two.”

Ethan stirred his coffee. “I don’t know, Lizzie. Maybe you should just be honest with her.”

“Does honesty work in your marriage?”

Ethan’s nostril’s flared slightly and he shot me a nasty look.

“Listen, it would be great to be honest, but you know how much I hate hurting people’s feeling. Let’s be ‘honest’”‌—‌I made quote marks with my fingers‌—‌“I’m a wimp. Sometimes, it is just easier to lie.”

“You don’t have a problem hurting my feelings,” he said, snarkily. “And you don’t have any problems kicking me in the shins either,” he added.

“That’s the beauty of our friendship. Neither one of us can tell the truth to anyone else. It’s like therapy for us. But once we leave this coffee shop, the honesty stops.”

“And we’re both trapped somewhere we don’t want to be.” Ethan let out an audible sigh.

“That’s not entirely true.” I corrected him. “I’m not sure what I want.”

“Oh, I forgot, you are only honest with me here, and not even with yourself.”

I went to kick him again but hit his chair leg instead.

“Ha! I knew you were going to kick.” He looked smug.

“Seriously, though. I’m not sure what I want.” I rubbed my toes. “Sarah is a great catch. She’s cute, funny, and sweet. I don’t mind spending time with her. I’m sure I can get used to the idea. There are worse relationships I could end up in. Hell, I’ve been in worse relationships.”

Ethan set his coffee cup down and looked me in the eyes. “Lizzie, do you hear yourself? ‘I don’t mind spending time with her,’” he mimicked. “How can you do that to yourself? And most importantly, how can you do that to her? You are dealing with another life here. Fine, screw up your own, but don’t screw hers up as well.”

I didn’t know what to say. I could say the same about him, but we weren’t talking about him. Trying to change the subject was pointless.

* * *

Afterwards, I drove down Drake Road towards the foothills. I didn’t want to go home; I knew Sarah would be waiting for me. Instead, I headed to one of my favorite hiking spots. At one point on the trail, I could veer off and head up a steep rocky climb. I knew I would be huffing and puffing by the time I reached the top, but I loved the climb. At the top I could sit on a bench overlooking the city and be alone with my thoughts. I made most of my important decisions there.

Am I not only ruining my life, but Sarah’s as well?
I wondered.
Am I even ruining my life? Aren’t relationships built on mad love? Can’t two people who get along fine be happy for the rest of their lives? And, the sex is fantastic. Am I just experiencing cold feet?
I evaluated the questions from several angles. Even employing the logic I used in my studies when attempting to unravel contradictory historical research findings, I came up with a blank. I just didn’t know.

I didn’t know. Wasn’t that awful? Here I was, considering buying a house with my girlfriend, and I didn’t know if I wanted to. I cared about her‌—‌that was true. But did I care enough to make such a commitment? Did I care enough to consider spending the rest of my life with her?

The sun started to sink below the mountains, and I realized I better get my butt off the hill or I would have to hike down in the dark. Winter was coming, and it was getting darker earlier. Besides, Sarah might begin to wonder where the fuck I was, and I didn’t want to have that conversation again.

* * *

“Wow, that was the longest coffee ever.” Sarah’s smirk marred her beautiful face. I hated that my actions caused her grief. She deserved better, and I wanted to be worthy of her.

“I’m sorry, honey. I stopped by the office and got caught up on some research.” I didn’t want to explain that I had gone hiking without her. The look on her face already told me I was in trouble. “Can I take you to dinner to make up for being a jackass?”

“That depends. Where are you taking me?” She set Haley’s book down on the couch.

“How about Phoy Doy?”

It was Sarah’s favorite restaurant. She loved Vietnamese food. And right then, I needed to get back into her good graces.

She smiled. “At least you know you’re in trouble. Good. I’ve been waiting all day for you to come home.” She hit my shoulder. “Serves me right … you told me on our first date that you were a workaholic.”

“Tell you what, no more work this weekend. You have me all day tomorrow. I won’t leave your sight.”

She looked suspicious.

I held up my hand. “Scout’s honor.”

“You must feel guilty about something. All right, let me go change.”

“I have a better idea.” I pulled her close. “Let’s take a shower together, and then we can both get ready for dinner.”

She laughed. “Maybe you should blow me off more, Lizzie. I like it when you feel bad.” She kissed me.

I laughed. “Come on, smartass. I want to get you naked, and all wet.”

She pulled her shirt off. I took her hand and led her into the bathroom.

Chapter Sixteen

“God, I love it when we shower together,” Sarah whispered an hour later, as the hostess sat us at our table. “You have an incredible way of lathering me up.”

“Is that what you call it?” I raised an eyebrow.

“In public places, yes.” She placed her napkin in her lap.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable. “Have I ever told you I used to be afraid of using too much soap?” I desperately wanted to change the subject.

She cocked her head and looked puzzled. “What do you mean?”

“When I was little. I used to be scared of using too much soap. One time, in the tub, I told Annie I was going to use heaps of soap so I wouldn’t have to bathe for a month. Annie laughed and said if I did that I’d get hideous sores all over my body and I’d smell wretched.

“I misunderstood. I thought she meant that if I used too much soap I’d get sores. It wasn’t until years later I figured out what she meant. For years, I used only the smallest amount of soap. I was obsessive about it. Every day, I’d spread a very fine layer of soap all over me and then I’d rinse it off as fast as I could. I didn’t want any sores.”

“Oh, my gosh!” Sarah covered her mouth and laughed. “I can’t believe you! You must have been an adorable kid.” She paused, crinkling her forehead. “Who’s Annie?”

“She was my nanny.”

“You had a nanny? I didn’t know you had a nanny.”

I fidgeted with my napkin. “It’s not something you go around telling everyone. I’m not my brother.”