A Year in the Life of a Complete and Total Genius (3 page)

I still can't believe Ms. Whitehead is making me work with Robbie every week. It's so terrible! He never does anything, and he doesn't listen to me when I try to do what we're told to do. He just sits there and doodles on his page. They aren't even doodles. He does these crazy drawings in his margins. They are super elaborate and kind of gruesome. Maybe if he wrote instead of drew, we wouldn't have to meet every week. Maybe I'll tell him that…

Oh, Pickles came back yesterday. That's good, I guess, although I already have scratch marks on my arms from her. I kind of missed her, but now that she's back, I remember how annoying she is when she wants attention. Anyway, watch out, RJ. She can be vicious with paper that is left lying around!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

Peer Tutoring Program—Progress Report

Session: November 16th

Worked On: Homonyms.

Ms. W, I don't know what Arthur's problem is, but hes the worst tutor ever. Their must be another guy out there.

—Robbie

Ms. Whitehead,

It's my belief that if Robbie actually paid attention to what I was saying, he may actually have learned what a homonym is, rather than using it for an hour as an insult about my “girlie-man” nature.

—Arthur

• • •

Assignment: Shakespearean Reflections

We are starting our unit on
A Midsummer Night's Dream
this week. It's a great play, full of romance and adventure, and it's very funny too! To prepare, I would like you to write two short paragraphs, imagining yourself as an actor or an audience member in Shakespeare's time. What does it feel like to be onstage? What does it smell like? What are you wearing? Did you have to sneak in to see the show, or are you rich enough to buy a seat? Please use at least seven adjectives and five adverbs in describing the scene you create.

Due: November 18

• • •

My Life as Shakespeare

By Arthur Bean

The Globe Theatre is putting on my play again tonight. It's wonderfully exciting that they created this whole theater just for me. I adjust my funny-looking wig and smooth out my greasy mustache. It smells in here, like it does every night. It's too bad that the audience doesn't bathe ever. The stench of onions and garlic swirls around me disgustingly. It also smells strongly of rancid feet. It reminds me of my own father's feet when he takes off his boots after spending the day doing farmwork, but a hundred thousand times worse. I gag quietly, so that the actors don't hear me. I don't want them to think I don't like their acting.

The thing is though, I don't like their acting. The guy playing the king is okay, but the prince is really overbearing, saying all his lines too quickly and loudly. There is no emotion in his voice. But the audience doesn't mind. They clap loudly and call out adjectives like Wonderful!, Fantastic!, Grandly delightful!, Hilariously terrific!, and “Stupendous work, Mr. Shakespeare!” Thankfully, they can see that I'm the really brilliant person in this round theater tonight.

Arthur,

This is some nice work in describing how Shakespeare might feel about his work. However, I was hoping that you would focus more on the atmosphere of the play, rather than on the opinions of the playwright. Also, I don't appreciate your subtle mocking of the assignment parameters. It's unpleasant and unnecessary. This is a learning environment, and learning the rules of grammar will make you a better writer. I suggest you take these things more seriously in future assignments.

Ms. Whitehead

• • •

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: November 20, 10:00

Hi, Arthur!

How's your story coming?? I LOVE that we get to write whatever we want! I told my mom that I had to watch a bunch of movies as RESEARCH for my story LOL!

I was thinking that maybe we could swap story beginnings soon! I have part of my story (like, the first part!), but I was hoping to get your feedback BEFORE I go too far LOL! I am having trouble with my main character! Right now it's a man, but I THINK it might be more fun to have it be a woman! GRRRL POWER LOL!!! I also changed my vampire idea into ALIENS. Vampires are so last year LOL!

Anyway, do you have a new idea? Let me know if you want to swap soon! I think that's how this is supposed to work with partners, right LOL?!

Kennedy :)

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: November 20, 10:20

Dear Kennedy,

I think that swapping stories is a great idea! Of course, mine is still very rough, so I'm not sure how much I'll have to share with you. I've really been focusing my energy on writing my novel. But I would love to read your story and give you my edits. Having not read it, I know I can't say this yet, but I think having a girl as a main character is a great idea. My mom read a lot of science fiction and always complained that the women in the books were only sex objects. So I say go for it!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: November 20, 18:19

Awesome, Arthur!!! I'll change it and send you something next week, and you can do the same if you want!

Maybe your mom can read my story too, since she's a sci-fi expert LOL!!!

K :)

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: November 20, 18:23

Hi, Kennedy,

My mom can't read your story. She's dead. Sorry about that. I guess you'll have to make do with just me.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: November 21, 9:04

Arthur! I am soooooo sorry! I felt awful when I read your email last night!!! What a terrible friend, bringing up your mom like that! I cried a LOT when I read that. I had no idea! I'm so sorry if I made you sad by bringing it up! That's so sad! I'm amazed that you don't talk about it more at school and stuff! Then I remembered that you started school late and TOTALLY realized that must be why! I'm such a JERK!

If you ever want to talk about it, or even just need a hug, I'm here!!

I'm sorry!

Kennedy :(

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: November 21, 10:35

Dear Kennedy,

I'm so sorry that I made you feel bad! I didn't mean to! Sometimes I don't know how to say sad stuff.

She died at the end of last school year. It was really sad. She was the speech therapist at my school. She came in once a week and worked with different kids with lisps and who talked funny. One day she didn't come in, because she had a brain aneurysm at home and died right then. I was really mad at her because I had to take the bus home that day, and I always looked forward to not taking the bus on Thursdays. I remember getting ready to yell at her about it, especially because it was after I did really badly on a math test. There were a couple of kids in my class who hated her because she made them do extra homework to practice speaking like everyone else. They called her Mrs. Mean. I guess she was pretty mean sometimes, but I didn't like that everyone knew that my mom was kind of mean sometimes. After she died, no one had to go to speech therapy class. I think most of the kids who went were pretty glad about that. I wasn't glad though.

I still sometimes get mad at her for stuff she used to do, but then I get mad about being mad. She was really nice too. My dad called her the Queen Bean, and she thought that was really funny and made beans for dinner every Sunday, no matter what. Since she died, my dad and I never eat beans anymore. Isn't that weird? I guess not that weird. We don't really have fancy dinners on Sundays anymore either.

Anyway, it totally sucked and I try not to think about it or talk about it because it still sucks. But I still think about her every day. My neighbor Nicole taught me to knit because she said that busy hands make a quiet mind. I don't think that's true, but maybe it works. If nothing else, I can make really good hats!

Anyway, I'm going to be a famous writer and dedicate my first book to my mom. I think she would have liked that. I mean, my novel is practically done anyway.

I don't know why I'm writing all this to you! I'm sorry! I just thought maybe you would feel better if you knew some of the story too. Maybe it's worse, I don't know. I've never had a mom who died before. Actually, I don't know anyone else who has died. I guess that's a good thing. Anyway, I don't really know what to say about it.

I can't wait to read your story next week. I will work on having something really good too. And I'll take you up on that hug too!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: November 21, 14:05

Hi, Arthur!

I'm so glad that you did tell me! I had no idea! That's really sad—I wish for your sake that you had gotten to say good-bye to her! I kind of understand how you feel. My grandpa died last year, but he had cancer. That was hard too! I hated having to visit him in the hospital when he was so sick, but then I hated MYSELF for hating visiting my grandpa! It was AWFUL!

I think it's really impressive how well you are doing! You DEFINITELY still have your sense of humor, which is kind of AMAZING! I would probably want to drop out of school if anyone in my family died! Your email also makes me sad that sometimes I wish that something BAD would happen to my mom when she's yelling at me about doing my homework or cleaning my room! I don't really want that to happen, but SOMETIMES she is SO ANNOYING! I can't believe I am admitting this! I'm a TERRIBLE person!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think you are AWESOME and you can send me emails WHENEVER you're sad if you want! And I think you should dedicate your first book to her—that would be so nice!

Kennedy :)

• • •

Peer Tutoring Program—Progress Report

Session: November 23rd

Worked On: Shakespeare's Time

Ms. W, even tho his hair looked really dumb today, artie was kind of helpful in checking my Shakspear assinement for misstakes.

—Robbie

Robert spent a lot of time today either talking to his friends at other tables or insulting my new haircut and coming up with rude words that rhyme with Artie.

—Arthur

• • •

November 24th

Dear RJ,

I've been reading a lot of terrible things recently, so I thought I would tell you about them.

The first one was Robbie's “Life in Shakespeare's Time” assignment. His writing is really,
really
bad, but his ideas are kind of interesting. He wrote this whole thing about being poor and not being able to get into the show, but listening to it while begging on the street. It was kind of sad, because his character couldn't have what he wanted, which was actually just to watch a play. But then he makes these stupid mistakes, like saying that the beggar would go to the food bank. Everyone knows that there was no food bank in the Middle Ages. Like I said, stupid. But I liked his idea. He seems to have all these stories ready all the time. I guess that's what makes him such a good liar. Maybe that's why I can't write any stories these days.

So that was the first terrible thing I had to read. The second thing was in the newspaper at school. Kennedy's boyfriend put in this like…ad-thing…saying that he thought she was cute and nice. Those were the words he used! Cute and nice! Those are words I use to describe Pickles. And Pickles is a nine-year-old cat. It's so lame! Then in gym class, she was all giggly about it, and I saw the newspaper cut out and hanging up in her locker the other day. Although it was underneath her movie poster of
District 9
, so at least it's not surrounded by hearts or anything.