Abduction (65 page)

“I just...”

“Hmmm?” he coaxed.

“I hate thinking I did anything to hurt...to make you think...that what I felt...what I feel for you...”

“Dev. Dev,” he hugged her and kissed her. Then he tried to meet her eyes through the darkness. “You've never done one thing, not one, to hurt things between us.

Don't imagine that anything that happened between you and Conrad, before or after we met, made me think anything bad about you or diminished my feelings for you.” She was quiet beside him. Probably doubting him.

“When I think back, when I remember the things that happened at the cabin, after he came, some of what I remember scares me. Makes me angry. Hurts me. But not all of it. Some of the things I remember...still excite me. Is it that way for you, Dev?”

“Yes.”

“When I think of the times he scared you, that he hurt you, I get so angry I think if I saw him on the street, feeling that way, I'd do something to him. Something really violent. But when I think of the times you seemed to want him, when it seemed like your reluctance was only because of me, and I remember how he had you flushing and panting,” Vaughn let his arousal tint his voice, “when I remember how you'd shudder, your groans while he had his mouth on you, or when he was on you, writhing and 591

thrusting...” he let go of a low, throaty laugh, “I think you can hear, feel what it does to me. And those moments, you were so overwhelmed—your body, your feelings—I feel so much for you, when I think of them.”

She stayed quiet. Probably what she needed was time—not more of his rambling—and she'd see, after a while, how he felt about things. About her.

So warm, so easy, lying beside her, feeling her breathing, her hand wandering slowly over his back, his side. Smiling in the dark, joy pumping through his body like adrenaline at the idea of learning her, of the future he could finally let himself hope for, after pushing it away all the months they'd been apart. Second to second he couldn't resist touching her, kissing her, and she met every caress, every brush of his lips so eagerly that soon they were wrapped up together, seeking and writhing, panting and groaning, making this time last long, as if they were gathering together in this one act of lovemaking all the loving they'd missed in the months of their separation.

A warmth, swelling, rising, falling, bearing her up, lowering her gently again and again. Vaughn. Her cheek pressed to the smooth hot skin of his naked chest, her palm spread over his belly. His breath in her hair, his arms circled around her. Vaughn. In her bed. Holding her. Her joy terrified her.

His body flexed a little and there was the soft, warm press of his lips on her forehead. She blinked, looked up, and focused her sleepy gaze on him. That calm gaze of his, that tender smile. Forever. Please. She wanted to wake up like this, with him, forever.

Without thinking she’d started to touch him. Fingers following his smooth planes, his tufted valleys. She moved her head a little so she could sense the smooth firmness of his chest with her cheek. Then they were kissing each other, lips, noses, brows and ears, their fingers twining into each other, their legs scissoring against each other, feet caressing feet.

“It’s so good, waking up with you like this,” Vaughn said, his voice soft, frayed with sleep.

They rolled onto their sides so they could look while they touched. She watched as her own movement tugged the covers down below her breasts, and felt the strangest comforting warmth at the thought that she wasn’t even a little embarrassed. They belonged like this, naked together. Bare to one another.

But he was watching her face, where his fingers were tracing the line between the side of her nose and the corner of her mouth, drawn by her smile. Now her hair as he tickled her scalp with his teasing fingertips.

Then he whispered, “Do you have to be anywhere?”

She shook her head. No. No classes. No appointments. He smiled.

“Me either.” Then, after a kiss, “Could this mean we have the whole day together?”

Euphoria. A heavy dose seeping through her, dilating her veins, making her body forget gravity.

“I’ll be right back,” Vaughn hummed as he nuzzled against her ear, sending skin-tautening tingles down her torso and limbs before he slid from the bed.

Devan watched as, naked, unbearably lovely—from this angle, the tasteful nude, sleep-curled hair, muscled back, narrow hips and round ass, more than ever like a statue of a Greek hero—he strode away from the bed, half-hidden in the little nook she’d created with a bamboo folding screen to break up her tiny studio. He gave her a quick glance over his shoulder before he turned for the bathroom, and a hot flood swallowed her.

Delirious with nebulous wants she flopped onto her back with a heavy sigh. A lifetime wouldn’t be enough for them to do everything she wanted, for her to learn everything about him, to discover things about herself through him. And probably she wouldn’t get a lifetime. She couldn’t imagine how a man like him could make space in his life for her. Even if he wanted to, she couldn’t see their lives fitting together. So maybe she’d get a month or two. Or maybe only this day.

But maybe not. Maybe he meant for them to really be together. She couldn't imagine he'd come to her after all those months just to spend one night together. He'd never do that to her. He wanted her. Them. Her elation was almost heartbreaking.

Then all the warm soft happiness in her hardened and cooled. On the nightstand.

The eviscerated condom wrappers. Vaughn hadn't said, asked anything. But she'd have to tell him.

She’d ruined it. He’d come, they’d had a chance, but she’d wrecked it. The banging rising in her chest hammered more and more brutally as the soft tread of Vaughn’s bare feet came nearer, until he paused just next to the edge of the screen, grinning as he playfully posed for her, jesting at making much of being naked in front of 594

her. She heard herself laugh a weird, empty laugh, too confused now to say the few words she’d hastily strung together in her head.

“Hey.” Vaughn’s mirth washed away in sudden concern. “What’s going on?” He was beside her now, sitting naked on the comforter she was clutching to her chest, suddenly afraid to be so exposed before him. He stroked her face. Kissed her hair.

“Dev, what’s the matter?”

“You haven't asked me about the condoms.”

“No.” His soft, quiet voice.

“Aren't you curious?”

“A little,” he said, no edge of hurt or anger in his voice. He didn't care. What she'd done. It didn't matter to him. She didn't matter to him. Not like she'd hoped.

“So why don't you ask me?” Damnit. Why was she being such a bitch? Accusing him, when she was the guilty one.

“Devan,” he soothed, stroking her hair, “you don’t owe me any explanations.”

“But I want to explain.”

“All right.”

She loved that. His quiet, patient way of making room for her with his voice, his look. Still, she didn't know how to say it. She felt her face crumple, felt hot, fat tears tickling along the side of her nose.

“Dev. It's all right.”

His calm soothed her.

“All those months, Vaughn. I could have waited forever, if I'd known you'd come back to me in the end. But I thought...”

“I know. It's all right. I promise.”

“If I'd known, I wouldn't have...”

“Are you...”

His eyes were going red and his mouth twitched faintly, but his voice stayed low and even.

“Is it that there's someone else? That you,” he hesitated, then pressed on, “love someone else?”

“No. Oh Vaughn, no. But I...”

“You've slept with other people?”

“One person. Yes. Sort of.”

She waited for all her happiness to come undone.

“Dev. God, Dev. You don't have to confess that like a crime.” He smiled and kissed her and petted her anxiety into manageable proportions.

But then,

“Are you still seeing each other?” There was a gap, and Vaughn seemed to be steadying himself before he asked in a soft voice, his gentle expression half masking a hurt look, “Is it serious?”

“No, Vaughn. I mean, It's a little hard to explain,” she faltered.

“You don't have to, Dev.”

“But I want to. “

Damn it, she should have pre-fabbed a neat little summation before she'd blabbed out her incoherent confession. Vaughn was being so calm about it, and she was still completely fucking it up.

“Jeremy and I, it was never the way it's been with us. We're friends. He's my good friend. And we've been...physical. But it was never serious, in a romantic way. And now he's in a relationship. But we still hang out. Kind of a lot. And sometimes, still, we....”

Trying to explain it out loud, the friendship that had seemed so good, so easy, sounded weird and impossible.

“Dev,” Vaughn gave her his small, gentle smile again, tipped his forehead against hers. “I'm glad.”

“Glad?”

“Yes. Glad. I'm happy that part of your life wasn't on hold, waiting for me to come to my senses.”

“I know it all sounds a little...I don't know. Odd.”

“No, Dev. It doesn't. It's selfish, but I admit I'm relieved, thankful, that I haven't come back, after all this time, to find you madly in love with someone else. But I'm happy, really, that you have a friend like that.”

“Okay.”

“You don't sound too convinced.”

“I guess...I don't know. When you and I first knew each other, I was such a virgin.

Even after everything at the cabin, you couldn't exactly call me experienced. I guess I wonder if that wasn't part of what you were attracted to, in me.” 597

Vaughn laughed and kissed her cheek.

“I realize there's a breed of man out there that would have you believe women somehow lose worth in proportion to the number of lovers they've had. And,” he laughed and a teasing tone crept into his voice, “your perception probably isn't helped any, reading all those nineteenth century Russian novels. But what I'm drawn to in you is the way you make me feel, How you get me thinking. It's got nothing to do with whether I'm your first and only, or the twentieth man you've been with.” This time he kissed her lips. He fixed his eyes on her, smiled.

“I meant it when I said you didn’t owe me any explanations. Your body, your life, they’re yours. Not mine. Whatever happens between us now, you should never feel like you have to make an accounting to me for your choices.” She just looked at him and nodded her head as a thousand thoughts raced through.

“Don’t misunderstand me, Dev. I didn’t come back here last night looking for closure. I came hoping for a beginning. But what happens between you and other people isn’t what’s important to me. The most important thing,” he said, cradling her face between his palms and looking intently into her eyes, “the only important thing, is what happens between you and me.”

“So, you…”

Her face flushed hot. She didn’t know how to put it in words.

“It’s all right, Dev. Ask me.”

“You want to be with me? Try and see, I mean?”

“Yes.”

“But you don’t care if I sleep with other men?”

“That’s not quite what I mean. I care. But not in the sense that I’m afraid that the things you might want to do with other people will take something away from me. I care, I guess, more like the way I care about you going to college. I care for you, so I want you to have the richest, most fulfilling life you can. You’re an incredibly sexual person, Dev, even though you’ve held back in exploring that side of yourself. And there’s no way I can be the one to explore all aspects of that sexuality with.”

“Vaughn—“

“I’m not being self-effacing, and I’m not saying that we’re not a great match.” He paused, and she felt his focus shift, from the point he was trying to make, to her. All of him intent on her, he locked on her eyes, then put his arms around her, warm and strong, and trembling with the need she felt for him, she sank into his kiss.

“I’m fairly convinced, in fact,” he panted at the end of their kiss, “that we’re an amazing match. Really, beyond anything I’d guessed at, before knowing you. But…well, don’t you agree, after being with me and with Conrad, and now with your friend—

Jeremy?—how different people bring out different things in you?”

“Yes,” she answered hesitantly.

“I’m a lot older than you, Dev. And in some ways I’ve lived a pretty rich life. And part of that has been having...well, I’ve slept with a lot of people. It wouldn’t be fair to you, expecting you to sleep with just me for the rest of your life, after having been with no one else but Conrad.”

His words, “the rest of your life,” echoed again and again, practically obliterating everything else he was saying.

“I know it’s not the orthodox view. But honestly, this is a subject I’ve thought about a lot, over a lot of years, and really, to me, it’s the most loving way to be with someone. Possessive love is…suspect. As suspect, I think, as trying to keep someone from doing the things they love, like going to school, being what they want to be. Does what I’m saying make any kind of sense?”

“I guess. I mean, it does. I just…I’ve never known anyone who thought that way.

Lived like that.”

“Maybe it’s not for everyone. I don’t know. For me, though, I would never want you to be with me, to stay with me, by virtue of the fact that you haven’t found someone more right because you’ve been bound to me in some way. Or to miss out on discovering facets of yourself other people might bring out. And I know that after all the women I’ve been with, I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. Physically. And emotionally. And I feel sure that, whatever happens, you’ll never feel about another man the way you feel about me.”

“No.”

She was looking at him. Overwhelmed by him. Love. He’d said love. She’d never let herself believe that he loved her. Or that she loved him. Too short a time, she’d told herself. And her too young, too inexperienced to give that name to what she felt. But that’s what it was. She loved him.

“Look. Dev. I didn’t mean to lay this big manifesto on you.” He laughed, the mirth in his eyes instantly infecting her. “I’ve only just found my way back to you. We need to work out what this, what we’re going to be, little by little, together. You just seemed so upset about what I might think. And I don’t want you worrying about things like that.” 600