About Matilda (4 page)

It's Daddy.

He comes into the kitchen with the green canvas bag on his shoulder. His hair is longer and there's sweat on his forehead from carrying the heavy bag. I can hear my heart beating, hoping he's found our Mum. I wonder if she's hiding in the sitting room ready to jump out and surprise us.

I look beyond Daddy to the sitting room but there're only the empty chairs and the cold grey ashes from last night's fire.

I think Nanny wants to stand up but she can't with Pippa on her lap.

Well, says Nanny, did you have a good trip, Peter? Have you news?

Grandad doesn't look surprised Daddy's home, but when you have as many children as Grandad you're probably never surprised when anyone turns up. He turns his head to show one cheek shaved and says to Nanny the children shouldn't be listening. Nanny says we have a right, and would you tidy yourself. There's a clean shirt and tie on the ironing board.

A tie, Annie?

Yes, a tie. You're not going to mass looking like the dog's dinner.

There's hardly a need for all that that old nonsense, Annie. Times are changing.

Not in this house, I see, says Daddy. He pats Grandad on the back and tells him put on his tie and do what he's told, like a good boy. Grandad laughs into the mirror.

Mona comes back from the door and runs to Daddy. Pippa climbs down from Nanny's lap and follows her. Daddy lifts them one at a time into his arms and hugs them. Then he lifts me and hugs me. I can feel the strength of his arms at the backs of my legs and the heat from his face, but it's only a little hug and I wonder what that means. Maybe he hasn't found Mum. Pippa sits back on Nanny's lap and Nanny wipes the hay-fever tears from Pippa's pink cheeks. It's like she wants Pippa not to cry if Daddy has bad news. Everyone knows you can't cry twice.

Daddy stands by the sink and lights a cigarette, cupping his huge hand around it so the smoke oozes between his fingers. Mona takes a step closer to Daddy and holds his free hand. You can see Mona's freckles more now that summer is coming. She squeezes Daddy's hand but he doesn't squeeze back. He hangs his head and his voice is sad when he says our mother hasn't been to London.

What about the bishop? says Nanny.

Mona moves closer to Daddy. He lets her hand go and holds her head against his leg and strokes her curly black hair with his fingers. Daddy smiles down at me but I know he's talking to Nanny when he says Uncle Edward has written letters to all the chapels in Australia but he's heard nothing back. The bishop is concerned about the children and asks if you need help.

The children are fine. It's concerned to find his sister he should be, and not worrying about me. I reared fourteen of me own.

Grandad says, Now, Annie, no point takin' it out on the poor bishop, he's only trying to help.

I wouldn't trust the clergy as far as I could throw one of them and the sooner the rest of the country wakes up to that fact the better off we'll all be. Now hurry up and get ready for
mass. I wouldn't give the neighbours the satisfaction of saying we didn't go to mass.

Neighbours me arse, says Grandad.

Stop that talk in front of the children.

Looking up from Daddy's waist Mona asks, Will Mum ever come back? Daddy stops stroking her and tells her to sit down. He throws his cigarette in the sink where it sizzles in the water. I reach for his free hand but he tells me to sit too, back where I was beside Nanny. He doesn't sound angry but he doesn't sound happy either. Nanny holds her hand out to me and tells me, Come on, Matilda, sit down here and give your Daddy a chance to catch his breath. He's only in the door. I'm halfway between Daddy and Nanny's chair and I don't know where to go. I don't think Mona heard Daddy because she asks again, Will you find Mum, Daddy?

Daddy doesn't answer.

The sunshine passes from the window and the room turns cool. Nanny and Grandad look at each other and everyone in the room stays quiet except for Danny under the table playing with the slipper. Mona opens her mouth to ask Daddy again but he raises his hand and fires at Mona, Don't ask again. She's gone, she was no good and that's the end of it. Mona's mouth stays open and her eyes flood with tears. But she's too scared to move from the middle of the room. I jump back behind the chair. Pippa gasps and buries her face in Nanny's chest.

Nanny says to Daddy, Peter, the children.

Daddy slams his fist into his open palm.

The sooner they get it in their heads she's gone, the better, he says. I'm sick of it.

Keep your voice down, Peter. There's no need for shouting, the walls have ears.

Sheamie comes in from the garden, looks around the kitchen, turns and runs out again pulling the door closed
behind him. I shuffle across from Nanny's chair to Grandad and shelter behind his big bum. I see Pippa's lips tremble against Nanny's apron bib and hear her wheezing grow louder as tears bubble in her eyes. With a gasp she starts to cry, gulping and choking. Daddy brings his fist down again and this time it hits the sink. The board gives out a thump and the cups on the draining board dance.

That's all she's good for, says Daddy, bah, bah, bah. He makes a baby face at Pippa and says, That's all she's good for. She's a big bloody baby.

Nanny turns her old grey eyes to Grandad who turns back to his shaving mirror and scrapes at his face. Nanny rubs Pippa's back and tells her, Do you know what, Pippa, I think there are toys in the attic from when your Aunt Patricia and Aunt Margaret were young. Will we look? Grown-ups hate it when Pippa cries. She gasps like a fish drowning in the air.

Daddy slams his fist so hard on the draining board even the cups in the sink leap.

No toys! he shouts.

The neighbours, Peter, Nanny whispers, I've asked you already to keep your voice down.

Daddy shouts anyway. It's their own fault their mother left. They were brazen. It's the schoolbooks from now on.

Grandad says, Now, son, don't take it out on the children. And don't upset yourself. It's hard on everyone. He turns to us with the razor in his hand and tells us to take no notice. Daddy didn't mean what he said, he has a lot on his mind and he's worn out.

Daddy wipes the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.

No point getting yourself upset when you're only in the door, says Grandad.

Danny crawls out from under the table with the slipper in
his hand and gazes up at Daddy with round brown eyes as if he's only seen him now. Everyone stays quiet to see what Daddy will do. He takes off his coat, hangs it on the back of a chair, sits down. He lifts his green canvas bag onto his lap, reaches in and begins to take out Easter eggs, big and small, until he's filled the kitchen table with them.

When the bag is empty he puts it on the ground and lifts Danny onto his lap and presses his lips to the top of Danny's head. Danny smiles with his lovely white teeth and his chubby hands tug at Daddy's long hair. It's grown since the last time he was here and I think Danny wonders if it's real. I'd like to take an Easter egg but I have to wait till I'm told.

Nanny tells Grandad to finish shaving himself and get dressed. She puts Pippa down from her knee and reaches out her hand to Mona and then myself. Daddy's not angry anymore and she tells us, Go to your father. He lifts Mona onto his knee and Mona buries her head in his neck. Then Pippa goes close and hugs him as well. Grandad says, That's better now, and turns to the mirror to shave his other cheek. I move in beside Daddy. There's no room on his lap for me, not with Danny and Mona already there and Pippa hugging his side. But he reaches out his arm and puts it around me. I'd really like an Easter egg but I stay where I am so Daddy won't be angry again. Pippa dries her eyes with the corner of her jumper and Nanny smiles around the room.

Never a dull moment, isn't that what they say? And just look at all those lovely Easter eggs. Can't you see your Daddy loves all of you? You can take one, isn't that right, Peter, can't the children have an Easter egg?

Daddy says yes. We can go to mass later.

Mona takes a big one. I take the nearest one which is small.

I take my egg out into the garden where Sheamie's sitting up on the shed with his thin legs dangling over the edge. It's
cloudy but warm. I share my egg with Sheamie and after he's eaten it and wiped the chocolate stain from his mouth he says, Nothing good ever lasts, Matilda, but Sheamie is always saying clever things like that and I never know what he means. I'm sad Mum isn't here and wondering how grown-ups forget arguments so quickly. I wonder will she ever come home. Maybe she'll come tomorrow.

Daddy stays for the week then says he's going back to London. Nanny wants him to stay. There's work in Ireland. New houses being built. It's not like it was in the fifties when everyone had to leave. Daddy shakes his head, no. He could never live in Ireland again. He's been away too long. He has to find our mother. She has to come back sometime.

Grandad is sitting in his chair with the hollow. He frowns but keeps quiet.

In the morning we kiss Daddy goodbye at the front door. He hoists the green canvas bag up on his shoulder and tells us be good for our Nanny and don't be crying. I watch him till he turns the corner and there's a hollow feeling in my legs. Dr Kimble hasn't found the one-armed man. Inspector Gerard hasn't found Dr Kimble. Daddy hasn't found our Mum. I wonder is anyone ever found.

I'm six. My head comes up to a doorknob. Pippa is seven. She's a little higher, but not much. When summer comes the days are long and hot and there's no school and Pippa and me go out in the morning and come back when it's late. We go up the road with the kids from the street and look for rabbits in the Hilly Fields, or play hide and seek in the bucket factory. Today when we come in Sheamie is sitting on the footstool watching the news with Grandad. Sheamie worries about the war in Vietnam, and the Communists in Russia who could kill us all because they have a bomb.

Nanny calls us into the kitchen and when we go in there's a strange man with a shaved head and a square moustache like a razorblade sitting at the table slurping tea from a big red mug. Nanny says he's our Uncle John home from the army. Uncle John asks how we're settling in and we say, Fine.

When I look at him closer I can see he has a hooked nose, thick eyebrows and small round eyes, like a bird. He winks at Pippa through the steam from the red mug.

That's great, he says, and drinks his tea in slurps.

Uncle John gets a job on the docks loading and unloading the big container boats from all over the world. He brings home bunches of ripe bananas from Africa, boxes of oranges from sunny Spain and dates from the Mediterranean because he knows Nanny loves dates even though they turn her tongue brown. We can all see how much Nanny loves Uncle John. She tells us, Get out of that chair and let your uncle sit down. Come out of the kitchen and let your uncle have his dinner. Hurry up in that bathroom, your uncle is waiting to go in, and when we come out he's standing there scowling with the newspaper under his wing. He goes out every morning wearing a black donkey jacket with leather patches on the sleeves and comes home in the evening with the smell of whiskey on his breath complaining he has to wait for his tea. Out all fuckin' day and can't get to the table.

Nanny tells him to leave the children alone but he shouts at her and Nanny is too fond of her dates and too worried over neighbours listening to say any more. Pippa backs away when he comes near her and squats in the corner beside the china cabinet. We don't like Uncle John. Uncle Philip is sweet but Uncle John is grumpy and when Nanny and Grandad aren't here you always have to do what he says. The only time he's happy is when he's going to a soccer match with Uncle Philip. The two of them follow the Waterford soccer team all over and last week they were so happy when they won they promised to take Sheamie this week. Sheamie is so
delighted he's been tossing around in the bed all night sticking his toes in everyone's face.

Saturday morning Nanny roots around in the closet under the stairs because she's certain there's a blue and white scarf and a hat. She comes out of the closet backwards and fixes the woolly blue hat on Sheamie's head and ties the scarf around his neck and tells our uncles to mind that child and don't let him get lost or crushed in the crowds. I'm warning the pair of you, there's to be no drinking. Not with that child in the car.

Our uncles sit in the front of the car waiting for Sheamie. Uncle Philip is driving. Sheamie is so excited he kisses Mona, Pippa and me and runs next door to tell the Murphys. Mister Murphy is standing on his front doorstep jingling the change in his trouser pocket. He gives Sheamie a half-crown and Sheamie even kisses Mister Murphy on the cheek because that's a lot of money.

Sheamie is waving out the back window as they drive away in Grandad's black Zephyr and we stand at the gate and wave back. Nanny says to Mister Murphy, Did you ever see anything like that in your life, Mossy?

Sheamie's a grand lad, Annie. But he'll feel the cold today.

He will, Mossy, indeed he will. 'Tis a wonder you didn't travel yourself?

Ah, no, Annie, the ban. I'm involved in the GAA, training the young lads with the hurling. I'd be out on me ear if they heard I attended a soccer match. Still an' all, I'll watch the highlights on television tonight. What they don't know won't trouble them.

True for you, Mossy. What goes on inside your own door stays there. Nobody's business but your own, I'm always sayin' it. Not with the crowd of gossipers around this town. Now, I better open the shop before they clamber the door down.

*

The shop is busy. Pippa and me get what Nanny wants from the bottom shelves and Mona gives out the change. Danny sits on the floor behind the counter, his fat cheeks sticky with chocolate, and we wonder how he can eat so much with needles for teeth. Nanny says she can't wait to see Sheamie, but at tea time there's no sign and Nanny is worried. She rattles the cups and saucers in the sink and complains to Grandad, I told them not to be drinking. If a thing happens to that child I'll swing for the pair of them. How will I ever answer to their father? Grandad is warming himself at the fire with Danny asleep on his lap. Grandad says there was a big crowd travelled to the match and the roads are busy, but Nanny is still worried. She brings Grandad his tea on a tray. She leaves it on the arm of the chair so she won't wake Danny and Grandad has to eat with one hand.