About Sisterland (47 page)

There were times when he retreated to a place where Constance could not follow. Sometimes, she accepted it – work kept her busy. At other times, she missed the closeness they had enjoyed in their early days together. Then, she would go to him, put her arms about him, and will him back to her. He never failed to respond. But she feared that one day he might.

“I know you never wanted to come to Harmony. But you have Faithful and me now. There are people who love you here.” She caressed him, trying to convey the depth of her feelings for him.

“You make sense of me being here. You and Faithful. You make it –” He pulled up short.

“What were you going to say, Harper? Why did you stop?”

He wouldn’t answer. Constance was at a loss. If he wouldn’t communicate with her, how could they solve problems? She mindmapped him, although she knew it was trespassing and he resented it. That was how she learned what he suppressed for her sake.

You make it bearable.

She could not ignore his pain. And yet she did.

One day, she brought him back a gift of a bonsai tree in a pot. Watching him turn it round and round in his hands, she knew it was a mistake. This miniature compared unfavourably with the towering jack pines that had been his daily companions. She had never expected the forest to wilt from his memory. But his attachment to it was beyond anything she had anticipated.

“Why don’t you take Faithful to the forest for a visit, Harper? You can show her where to look for those butterflies you keep telling her about. She’s only seen pictures of them in books. She’ll be enchanted!”

“You can’t come with us?’

“You know I can’t.”

His eyes were as cloudy as the skies above Sisterland.

Devotion was in the threeser when Constance arrived home, drained from the post-euphoria of addressing an audience. Momentarily, she resented her presence. Yet something about the scene made her reconsider. Unnoticed in the doorway, Constance watched. Devotion was sitting on the floor close to Faithful. With a pang, Constance recognised that Devotion had more time for the little girl than she had ever spared for Constance herself. Faithful was clinging to Harper’s leg, uncharacteristically shy. And then Constance realised what was causing her bashfulness.

“Don’t you want to stroke it, Faithful?” Devotion extended her arms to full stretch, and Constance saw a robin perched between her hands. She opened them flat, and the robin blinked and tilted its head. Faithful’s fist loosened its grip on Harper’s leggings, and she moved closer.

“You can pet him, if you like,” said Devotion. “Very gently. He won’t hurt you. He’s tame.”

The tiny hand inched out and touched the bird on its rust-
coloured breast. The hand retracted quickly. But after another
moment, it risked contact again. Grandmother and
granddaughter’s heads bent close to one another.

Harper caught sight of Constance and smiled, lighting up for her. She went to him, and his arm circled her waist, drawing her close. But she had glimpsed the sadness in him, watching their daughter with this robin doctored so that it would stand a human’s touch. Even so, it would not survive for more than a few months. It could not live in captivity. Sisterland’s scientists could achieve much, but not that.

“Where did you get the robin, Devotion?” asked Constance. “I thought Goodwill talked you out of having caged birds years ago.”

“There’s space in your threeser. It’s not as cruel to keep one here. Besides, see how much Faithful likes it.”

On cue, Faithful crowed, raising a rosy face to her parents.

“We can’t keep it, Devotion. It wouldn’t be right.
Harper?”

“No. But perhaps we could all go somewhere and release it. How about that, Devotion?”

“It won’t live as long. That isn’t kinder really,” said Devotion.

“Kindness can be misplaced.” He looked at Constance as he spoke.

After Faithful was asleep and Devotion had gone home, Harper decided to take a walk in the unit garden. He didn’t invite Constance to accompany him. By and by, she went looking for him, and found him hunkered down, letting soil spill through his fingers.

“What’s the matter, Harper?”

“I broke a co-worker’s machine today. The one for sucking leaves off the trees. I took it off her, and hurled it on the ground – it smashed into pieces. I said leaves should be free to fall, the way nature intended. She reported me to my progress-monitor.”

“I suppose you’re in trouble now. Don’t worry, Harper, we’ll sort something out.”

“Surprisingly, the monitor agreed with me. She said she’d make a recommendation to the Parks Mother.”

“Well done. Perhaps you’ve started something. Maybe next year leaves will be allowed to fall off the trees in Harmony. Won’t Faithful have fun trying to catch them as they fall!” She studied his face. “But I don’t understand why you’re so upset. You made your point.”

He dug his hands into the soil and left them there, staring at the earth.

Constance wanted to tell him that she had made sacrifices to be with him – some of the Co-Equals regarded Harper as her little weakness. But she held back. After all, his life was constructed round a more complicated set of compromises.

Pain crouched inside him, she knew that. And she regretted it. But she had convinced herself that his pain was tolerable. It would uncoil and stretch if he went back to live in his forest – after all, he’d have to leave her and Faithful behind. The pain wouldn’t vanish then, but would bite in a different way.

If only Harper could learn to enjoy his life in Harmony. After all, he had learned to work alongside women in the parks’ division, in a part-time role that gave him time to care for Faithful. He had learned to rub along with Goodwill, to appreciate Devotion. He had learned to negotiate Harmony, not just geographically but in the myriad ways he had to deal with the city. But he had never learned to accept his life there. Always, even on the best days, he did no more than tolerate it.

Constance and Harper never talked about this in any meaningful way. If she raised the subject, he insisted that he was satisfied. But she was aware that Harmony did not supply what he truly needed for happiness. His pleasure in being with Constance and Faithful could not overcome his pull to the forest.

Constance blanked out her concerns. She was happy with this life. She had exactly what she wanted.

Chapter 40

Harper arrived home from work, his gardening tools in a bag slung over his shoulder. Constance could hear the breath tear through his body.

“You’re shaking, Harper. Did something happen?” All at once, she realised he was alone. “Where’s Faithful? I thought you were collecting her.”

“Devotion is keeping her overnight. I said we needed to talk.”

“This sounds serious.” She could see a tic throbbing above his jawline. “Let’s take a walk and discuss whatever’s troubling you. We could go down by the riverbank – you like it there.”

“Stop it, Constance. Just listen, for a change. Devotion told me what you’re up to. She overheard Goodwill and Patience.”

Caught out, Constance backed away. She’d hoped for more time, to prepare a reason for Harper. He followed, eyes turned to flint.

“How could you even consider it? She’s only a little girl. It was bad enough when you started having her onstage with you. I told you I didn’t like it. But you did it anyway. Even though you know it’s propaganda. But this is so much worse! It’s a mass lie!”

“Maybe Devotion explained it wrong.”

“And maybe you’re the one in the wrong. Constance, this is our daughter. A child. Not a tool to be used in your cause.”

“Harper, you need to understand. This is about leadership. And leaders have to harden without losing tenderness.”

“What kind of brainwashing is that! You were able to think for yourself once, Constance. Back when we first met. But you’ve let yourself be indoctrinated. Can’t you see the risks with this hideous scheme? It’s inexcusable!”

Constance’s brain was teeming. She bent down and picked up a small object from the floor. It was one of Faithful’s toys – a furry fawn with a dappled stomach. She remembered the day they had chosen it. Her eye lit on the lilac baby blanket that was once hers. She remembered how touched she had been because Devotion had kept it for so many years. Memory was important, she’d always known that.

Harper took the fawn off her, and threw it aside. “It’s true, isn’t it? The Co-Equals want to plant a false memory in everyone. To make them believe Faithful is Silence’s child. A daughter who survived Silence’s fall from the bridge. And you’re only her guardian. As for me – I’m nothing.”

Constance didn’t speak.

He crowded in on her. “I’m not surprised you can’t bring yourself to admit it. But I want to hear it from your mouth. You’ve agreed to this. Haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Why, Constance?”

“It’s the final part of the strategy.” The words came out in a rush.

“That’s not what I’m asking. Why would you go along with it?”

“I can’t stop them. At least this way I have some influence. Patience won’t always be in charge. Some of us are talking about replacing her. I’m playing a long game here, Harper.”

“You’re playing a dangerous game. The stakes are too high. Pull out – now.”

She shivered, and wrapped her arms around herself.

He watched her with compassion. But there was an air of finality in his gaze, too. “We have to leave this place, Constance. We have to take Faithful away with us.”

“To your forest?”

“Not the forest. It’s a long way from Harmony, but it’s still in Sisterland. We have to get right away from here. From this society you think is close to perfect. But I know is bogus. Just as controlling as it was under the Nine. We need to leave Sisterland. This false-memory plan sickens me to the core. But even without it, I can’t stay here any longer. I’m desperate to be somewhere real. Where leaves fall, and rot, and sink back into the land. Where slugs crawl over flowers, and take bites out of them. Where birds live in the wild – not in cages. Where they find twigs lying about, and use them to make nests. Where animals burrow into the earth. You sisters talk about the beauty of the world you’ve created. But it’s artificial – quality-controlled, weighed, and distributed in line with some group-agreed directive. I’ve tried. For your sake, and for Faithful’s. But I can’t survive in this fake world a day longer. I have to leave or I won’t be able to carry on breathing. You have to leave because you’ll become something misshapen and ugly if you don’t. And Faithful has to leave because they’ll twist her, too. But if you won’t come with us, we’ll go without you.”

Her vision blurred. She stared at Harper, trying to separate out his features, and put them back together again – struggling to recognise her lover in this stern stranger. “You’d leave me? After everything we’ve been through together?”

“I’m leaving Sisterland. Not you.” Harper’s silvered eyes fastened onto hers. “Come with us, Constance. Let’s all go away together. You, me and Faithful. We could make a life somewhere else. Away from here. In Outsideland.”

Constance flinched. Outsideland was a drastic step. If she went with him it would be impossible to return. She might never set eyes on Devotion again, or Goodwill. She would never see the nooks and corners of Harmony which reminded her of Silence. And she’d lose any chance of helping to give shape to Sisterland. He was asking too much of her.

“I can’t, Harper. Don’t you know how important my work is here?”

“You’re useful for now. But you’ll be shucked off as easily as Gracious.”

Constance thought of the Co-Equals dinner they had organised for Gracious, and the presentation. Gracious had looked bewildered. It had happened so suddenly. Patience had sneered behind her back about her intuition having failed Gracious. But Constance found herself defending Patience now.

“Patience explained why we needed to stand her down. She said Gracious had served Sisterland for many years, but it was time to give others a chance to be agents for change.”

He made an impatient gesture. “There’s nothing here for us, Constance. Nothing here for Faithful. Let’s just go. While we still can.”

“How?”

“Use your silkenspeak. Tell them you have a request, in return for the sacrifice Sisterland asks of you. We need a few days away together: one last time as a family before the memory implant. They won’t refuse you. It’s not in their interests. We’ll choose somewhere near the coast. That’s when we’ll make a run for it.”

“What if we don’t make it? We’ll lose everything!”

“What if we do make it? Think what we’ll gain!”

“I’m frightened, Harper. I don’t know what’s out there.”

“Me neither.”

“But it might be a better place for you. It won’t be better for me.” Uncertainty threaded her voice. “I’m needed here. Outside, I’ll have nothing.”

“You’ll have me.” He seized her by the waist, animated in a way he hadn’t been in a long time. “Imagine what the world might be like outside Sisterland. No barriers. No demands. No lies. It might be harder in some ways, Constance. But it would be a free life. That’s worth something.”

“We’re free here.”