Absolute Surrender (36 page)

Amelia
’
s eyes widened, and her fingers paled in their tension against her mouth.

“
Amelia, I don’
t understand what—”

Hugh re-entered the Cliff House then, a bundle of laundry in his arms. “Maypole,” Hugh said with a grin. “She
’
s sitting on yours.” His head tilted. “Well, she’s attempting to, at any rate.”

God
’
s blood.
Must Hugh bring his mind back to the pained ache in his belly like that? Charles was beginning to think Hugh
’
s comments intentional. Certainly they were.

He watched as Hugh placed the laundry on the table without another word. Then Charles looked up to Amelia, who was incredibly pale. She looked terrified, and he needed to protect her. Charles pulled her forward to her knees, then brought
the edges of his shirt closed across her chest
. He then gathered her up against himself and held her, still attempting to keep her from brushing the painful cockstand in his
trousers
.

“Hugh?”
Charles
questioned
.

“Tea,” Hugh replied. Apparently they weren
’
t to discuss this at the moment.

Charles sat up, shifted Amelia, then stood and carried her to the chairs before the fireplace. He sat and brought her with him to his lap, not quite ready to let her go in this moment. Charles could feel the slight tremors, but they also eased as he neared Hugh. It surprised him that the realization didn
’
t bother him, when yesterday he
’
d been willing to let her go because of it. It was as though she were hiding in plain sight, perfectly quiet and still, avoiding eye contact. Charles wasn
’
t entirely sure how to reassure her that he wasn
’
t bothered by what she
’
d done, whatever she might have meant by it.

“A maypole, is it, then?” Charles asked finally, smoothing the hair from her face. “I
’
m…
flattered.
”

She closed her eyes and hid her face in his neck, and he looked at Hugh for direction.

“A maypole. Our dearest Amelia has a copy of
Fanny Hill.
I believe that
’
s what she was reading when we arrived yesterday,” Hugh said.

She shook against Charles’s lap, which wasn
’
t exactly helping his issue, but she didn
’
t open her eyes or look at him.

“Well, how on earth did you manage to find yourself a copy of
that
book? It
’
s…not merely illicit, it
’
s banned,” Charles said. He smiled but knew the tension in his voice from his cods colored his emotions.

Hugh spoke. “I read
Fanny Hill
when I was quite young. I happen to have a couple of copies, in fact. You could have asked me, Amelia. I
’
m glad you managed to find it, but I find myself curious as to how you did so as well.” Hugh
’
s voice was so light and gentle.

Charles tried to calm his nerves so he could match it. At least his erection was waning, receding back to the dull ache centered in his bollocks.

Hugh stirred a cup of tea, blew across the top of the tea and brought the cup to her mouth as Charles nudged her with his shoulder so she would see it. Charles watched as she sipped, her mouth cautious on the lip of the teacup. Hugh
’
s hands were careful as they tipped the cup toward her. Charles suddenly realized that he loved watching this interaction between her and Hugh. Charles loved being a part of it. Perhaps he could learn this intimacy from being close to them, as he
’
d learned about happiness so long ago. Being included was something he
’
d never been when they were children. When they were younger Charles had always been an interloper, a watcher, never invited, just…there.

Now…they were wrapped around him. Hugh had one hand on the back of the chair Charles sat in, steadying himself as he leaned in, tipping that delicate cup to her to drink from. Charles saw the steam from the tea drift toward him as he took a sudden breath on the realization of their complicity. Charles couldn
’
t leave her, no matter if he loved her. Charles wanted and needed her in his life. More than desperately. It was quite selfish of him.

He closed his eyes and thought back to yesterday, when they
’
d all been together. There
’
d been nothing disturbing about what they
’
d done. They
’
d worked in tandem for her. Could they continue this way? Charles needed a duchess who was to be the figurehead of his household. Charles couldn
’
t share her with another man. There was no way for them to be together like this beyond today, tomorrow, the next day—whenever this lingering here at the Cliff House ended—and that thought saddened him.

Charles leaned into her neck, breathed of her as the tendons of her throat moved as she swallowed the tea. He concentrated on being here. Now. If they only had these moments together, Charles wanted to feel them, to be here with both of them, to feel her peace in the way he knew he would never feel with her when they were alone—because he knew that Hugh was an integral part of her peace. Because he knew he didn
’
t love Amelia in the same way Hugh did, though he believed this burgeoning care he had for her might be some semblance of love, whereas before it had been merely the want of her.

Charles understood now
just
how
integral Hugh truly was. Charles also understood why he
’
d been turned away when he
’
d begun to court her in earnest. Why, after they
’
d gone off to school and returned only on breaks, Hugh was allowed to stay while Charles was sent away. Now that he
’
d seen this, this powerful part of her, had seen how the episode had begun, how it progressed, how it felt to his hands and even his heart, Charles understood that he
’
d been turned away every time she
’
d become distressed because her mother hadn
’
t wanted him to bear witness. Her mother had treated her issue like a dirty inconvenience. The truth was, her mind was one of the most beautiful things about her.

Her mother.
What a—

Amelia needed Hugh because her own mother wasn
’
t the least bit understanding of her illness. Hugh was the only person in her life she trusted, save Louisa, because Hugh had always been there, had never turned her away, was a rock of permanence in her twisting sea of emotion. Charles understood now, that for him to gain her trust, he had to do the same, and it could take years. After all, how long had Hugh been this for her? Charles
would
be this for her as well. Someday. It didn
’
t change the fact that Hugh already was this person, and surprisingly, Charles didn
’
t begrudge Hugh that anymore. But Charles knew without a doubt that to gain her trust, he could never remove Hugh from her life.

In fact, Charles had to find a way for Hugh to be part of their life, and Charles had to be sure she understood that Charles would never come between the two of them. In the mean, he understood what Hugh had tried to explain before, something Charles simply couldn
’
t understand at the time. That this thing between Hugh and Amelia really wasn
’
t something to be learned.

Charles still hoped that someday he might learn what it meant, how it felt, to be that close to another soul. Then, and only then, he might gain enough trust to be a part of her future. The man who could accomplish this truly did deserve her, and Charles meant to become that man.

Hugh could feel the tension in Charles next to him. Knew Charles was thinking their situation through and thought for
certain
that Charles would come to the proper determination. That Charles could not leave her, Charles could never leave her, Charles was her future and their life together was all entirely possible.

Hugh smiled. He couldn
’
t help it. Amelia finally opened her eyes over the rim of the teacup and looked at him, then at Charles and leaned against Charles’s shoulder. Hugh downed the rest of her tea, then shuddered.

“Good God, woman, how do you drink this? It
’
s sweeter than maple candies.” This brought a smile, and Hugh felt the reward of it. Hugh looked at Charles and could see that he was relaxing some. Hugh knew he must be in a deal of pain and was impressed by his ability to put that aside.
Again
, he was impressed with this man.
Again and again and again.
Hugh shook his head and moved to another chair before the fire.

“So…” Hugh let the word drift off a bit. He wasn
’
t entirely sure how to proceed at the moment, then his eye caught on the book he
’
d brought in with the laundry. He stood and retrieved it, then returned to the chair. Perhaps he could help Charles for once. The book fell open, and he read…

“Not the weapon of a man, but a Maypole, of so enormous a standard, that had proportions been observed, it must have belonged to a young giant. Yet I could not, without pleasure, behold, and even venture to feel, such a length, such a breadth of animated ivory! Perfectly well turned and fashioned, the proud stiffness of which distented its skin, whose smooth polish and velvet softness might vie with the most delicate of our sex, and whose exquisite whiteness was not a little set off by a sprout of black curling hair round the root…”

Hugh looked up to find them both staring at him. He grinned. “Well, the mystery of the
maypole
has been solved. One of them, anyway.” Hugh stood. Their eyes followed his every move. He leaned to Amelia, bussed her cheek, then slapped Charles on the shoulder. “I found the wash tub in perfect working order. So I
’
ve started a fire in the outside grate. I
’
m warming kettles of water, and I
’
ll be doing some laundry. As best I can, at any rate.” Hugh wandered the Cliff House, collecting random bits of linen, a sheet, his waistcoat, his shirt, then he turned back to Amelia.

“I need this as well.” Hugh reached for the placket of Charles’s shirt, his fingertips skimming the blushing flesh as he uncovered her chest further, then carefully, as she wiggled to help him, pulled the tail of the shirt from under her bum and pulled it over her head.

Amelia
’
s hair fell to her shoulders in a shower of brilliant color. Her breasts bounced against her chest as her arms fell back to her lap, and if Charles had ever once thought he could never be harder, he
’
d been wrong every damned time. He heard the door to the Cliff House close, but he couldn
’
t take his eyes from Amelia. “This is going to be painful,” Charles said in that voice that he didn
’
t recognize as his own.

Amelia
’
s eyes widened, and her hands trembled. Charles shook his head slowly to and fro. “I was referring to myself.”

Amelia
’
s lips dropped into an O
,
and he caught sight of that perfect pink tongue, homed in on it, took her face in his hands as gently as his overwrought countenance would allow and brought her mouth to his. Charles sucked that pink from her mouth into his and held on for all his life, attempting to control his want…for he did not wish to give her any pain.

As well, Charles did not wish to ruin her just yet. Beyond that, it was not his choice that he should be the doing of it. It was hers. She may yet want Hugh to be the one to breach her maidenhead. It seemed all too likely, even as much as this one action yet rankled with him, but Charles would allow it.

Allow
. That wasn
’
t the right word, for it wasn
’
t up to him to allow. That was to be her decision, and one Charles would not take from her lightly, because he wanted it—her maidenhead. Charles wanted it badly. That pure male part of him wanted to be the first to traverse her sweetness, be streaked with her virgin blood, to claim her in the most primal and official of ways. But his feelings for her allowed that this illness of hers might not allow for that.

Pure want had been bred into him. To relinquish that which he wanted was not a natural thing. It was difficult.

Charles pulled back and looked into her glassy eyes as a stray thought occurred to him. Could he raise Hugh
’
s child as his own? He watched her face as though for the answer, even as he knew she
’
d no idea the question. Yet something more they would need to discuss, regardless that Hugh had no notion that these thoughts were in his head…and his head churned like a meat grinder on all of them. The thoughts, the considerations, the complications. This was what he did, and well.

Charles was trained to see all facets of a situation and find the most efficient, effective and prosperous path. That was of little help to him here. He needed to shift his paradigm. He needed the best possible outcome for Amelia. It was that simple…so not at all simple, really.

Charles smoothed a thumb over her cheek and thought he understood a little how her mind had off with her. If he couldn
’
t control his runaway thoughts, if he were so passionate as to be unable to stop their flow, their power… He knew she had that in her without doubt, because he knew she understood to her very core his own loneliness. A loneliness Charles himself hadn
’
t felt in years.

Amelia
’
s hands came to his chest. Her thumbs teased his nipples, as her eyes dropped to his mouth.

“Amelia, I—”

She shook her head, then bravely stood from the chair, fully naked before him and not the least bit bashful in this moment. She was stunning, and Charles was floored. His breath stopped as his eyes feasted. He was pained, so very pained, but he watched her and knew he had to hold himself longer. Charles could see thoughts cross her face. Confusion, contentment, love perhaps, pain. He watched as all the evidence of her musings was clear in the emotion on her face. Charles stilled, waited for her determination. There was nothing about her that said her mind was having off with her, and until there was…he would give her all the time she needed.

“There is something…” She paused as she considered more. “
I don’
t think I can live without Hugh.”

“I
’
ve also made this determination, and I intend to see to it that he agrees to be a part of our life together,” Charles said quietly.

Her chest hitched in a sudden breath, and he knew she was caught off guard. “How will this affect your position?” she asked.

“It won
’
t. I
’
ll not allow it. Somehow…we
’
ll figure this out. I
’
m not sure what this will look like, as I only just determined it necessary. While I hope that someday you trust me—”

“I do trust you,” she said, cutting him off.

“I understand that what you have with him is deeper than that, and for lack of a better word, trust is the one we
’
ll use. Thank you, though, for trusting me,”
he said.

“I do. I merely have to convince my mind of that fact and—”

“And there
’
s no telling how long that would take. Years, perhaps…perhaps never. Hugh has been part of your life since you were very young. You truly love him, and he you. I
’
ve considered it entirely possible that this is what binds him to you, and there
’
s no way to sever that. No way to imitate it as well. Beyond that, I could never in good conscience destroy something so…incredible.” Charles’s calm talk on the subject impressed even himself. “Hugh will need convincing. He believes that he
’
ll throw us together and move on with his life, but I can see in him that moving on isn
’
t possible. I saw the realization in him earlier, but he
’
s refusing to accept it.” Charles took her hands in his, smoothed his thumbs over them, then looked back up to her. “
I don’
t think this conversation is what Hugh expected when he read from
Fanny Hill
and removed your shirt.”

Amelia laughed, and he basked in the glory of it, allowed his pure enjoyment to show on his face, then pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her and held on. Her hands tangled in his hair, and her breath quickened in the movement of her belly against his cheek. Then Charles felt a tremor, and he looked up to her.

“I need…we need Hugh.”

Charles stood as his hands skimmed up the length of her, then he kissed her quickly and went to the door without a single complaint or question. He opened the door and paused there. Charles was strong, efficient, reasonable—all things she never felt in herself. Amelia moved to the bed, pulled a sheet from it, and wrapped herself up. She turned to see them both watching her, then he shut the door and waited.

She clasped her hands on the sheet, in front of her breasts.

Her aching breasts.

She knew what she wanted. Amelia now understood what Charles meant by
want
. Charles was always talking about his
want,
and until yesterday she
’
d not understood. She wanted for Charles. She had this incredible want of him, to have him inside her physically as he was already in her blood and her mind. The problem was that every time she was close to him, she lost herself, so concentrated was she on him that her mind would spin, she forgot to feel, and then—without Hugh—she was gone.

She took a deep, steadying breath and was thankful for the sheet—more due to fear than modesty—because she wanted to hide.

“I believe we
’
ve come to the point at which we need to make some very specific decisions,” Amelia said.

Hugh and Charles exchanged a glance, then looked back to her.

“Charles, I
’
ve always expected to marry you. It was a foregone conclusion in my mind. I was told you could protect me and that you were necessary to my future, and I
’
ve believed that wholeheartedly. What I wish for you to know is that in the interim years between our ridiculous childhood and the moment you began to court me in earnest, my opinion of you changed.

“It wasn
’
t merely that you grew into a man, but that you
’
re growing into your heart, and I can plainly see myself in there through all the confusion.”

Charles swallowed hard, looked away, pinched the bridge of his nose, then looked back to her and nodded. She wasn
’
t sure whether she expected him to say something, but it wasn
’
t necessary.