Absolution (26 page)

“Ah, Zoe. Don’t cry. Please.”

I nodded, and wiped my cheeks. The cool night air chilled my skin.

I wasn’t sure I could look at him without breaking into more tears.
Give me
strength. Please. Please, God.

Matthias’ blue eyes seemed clearer, bluer. So pure. Like beautiful gem stones. I couldn’t think of any words to say. My heart was overcome with grief.

Loss. But it was unfair of me to revel in my own sorrow when he’d experienced miracles. He deserved better from me.

“This dancing I see here is—” He glanced around. “It’s rather scandalous.”

“It’s called bear hugging,” I sniffed.

“Bear—my. Hmm.” The tempo slowed, the song melancholy but sweet as the chords rang out. Love poured into my body. I wanted to be closer. To bond. My longing grew, swelling in an uncontrollable rush inside of me.
I love
you.

Zoe.
His right hand came in close to my cheek. Warmth, power radiated into my skin. Was I breathing? The world around us swirled away.

A far away look of resignation entered his eyes, penetrating me to my core. “I came to say goodbye.”

I opened my mouth to speak but couldn’t. If I hadn’t been gripping the icy iron railing, I’d have crumpled to the floor.

“Zoe, that moment in the forest, I would have done anything to see that you were free of Albert’s assaults. I—”

“Now you’re not able to be with me anymore?” I broke in a choked sob.

“You’ve been promoted or something, right?”

Matthias’ face scored with compassion. “Please.”

“Please what? Forget you? Forget the way I feel about you? I can’t. I wouldn’t want to no matter how much it hurts.” I turned and walked away from him. On the other side of the glass doors, Weston stepped closer, as if sensing something was wrong. His hands anchored on the glass.

I crossed the balcony to the opposite end, trying in vain to outrun the inevitable. Matthias was there, waiting for me. His power and love wrapped around me. Another tear streamed down my cheeks, cooling against a wisp of breeze stirring the night air. Matthias cocooned me in light and comfort; comfort I didn’t think I could possibly access, given the sorrow gouging me.

With tenderness, he reached out and his presence stroked my tears away even though our flesh never made contact. More tears followed, drawn out like poison from my soul.

Our last touch.

Not our last, Zoe.

Until I die.

Silence. Heavy. Unbearable.

I knew this moment would come. I have to remember the way you felt. I
can’t forget.

Precious moments fled by.

What if I can’t let go?
I wondered.

You can. You’ve got a fulfilling life ahead of you.

“I don’t want it.”

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

I reached for the impossible. Deep down, I was happy for him. I wouldn’t take his father’s change of heart away from him for anything, but I was devastated that meant he no longer would be with me.

The years ahead seemed as endless as the dark heavens. Would the pain ever go away? The longing? The missing?

I don’t want you to hurt.

You should have thought of that before you offered to go in my place.

His blue eyes were earnest. “I love you,” he said. His light scent scarcely breathed in and out of my lungs.

“Do you remember when Abria was in the hospital?” he asked.
You were
afraid she’d remember the pain.

You kissed her forehead and told me she wouldn’t remember.
My eyes flashed open. “No.”

“I don’t want to leave you hurting.”

I shook my head. More tears fell down my cheeks. “I’d rather live with the memory.”

Matthias’ eyes glistened.

I braced for agonizing emptiness. But my soul filled with his love
.
I’d tried to hold onto him before. I’d thought my futile flesh could actually keep him here on earth with me. Instinct, maybe a final shred of fantasy or hope had my fingers fisting around empty air.

Stay.

Our eyes locked. Yearning sang through my soul and the driving melody twined with the resplendent hum of his aura. I braced for another beam of light to burst and carry him up. Matthias faded from my view.

Chapter Twenty-

one

____________________

I stood on an empty balcony. A chill raced over my bare arms, the back of my neck, but serenity resided in my heart. I wouldn’t have given up any of my time with Matthias, even knowing that I’d spend my life missing him.

A light tap drew my attention. Weston stood inside, staring at me from behind the window, his palms spread on the glass in desperation. I drew in a deep breath and started for the door.

His gaze followed me tentatively, as if he didn’t believe I was coming to him. We stood facing each other, the glass between us. The raw apprehension on his face, in his eyes, drew me to him. He’d been here for me, had faith in every thing I’d told him, loved me with in spite of it all. The need to embrace him pushed me to take the steps away from where I had said goodbye to Matthias.

Weston opened the door and warm air chased the chill from my skin. I stepped inside.

“Are… you okay?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yes.”

“What happened?” Weston’s gaze searched mine. His sincerity touched me.

“Matthias… said goodbye.”

Weston’s eyes widened. His gaze swept the empty balcony. A moment passed. Muted music from behind closed doors of the ballroom danced in the background.

He placed his hands on my shoulders. “Something happened last night, didn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Dazed, I stared off into the black night, trying to juggle conflicting emotions. “Matthias offered himself to go in my place and… now he’s… he can’t be here anymore.”

“Are you sorry?”

I shook my head. Sad. Missing him. Empty.

But not sorry.

Weston’s gaze shifted out the window at the vacant balcony. Time crawled by in an self-conscious silence. I was thinking of Matthias, and I was certain Weston knew that. His gaze fastened to mine and he embraced me.

Mortal flesh, and mortal comfort lit my heart with a spark of peace.

I wrapped my arms around him.

Summer

The scent of barbequed hamburgers carried on muted gray smoke snuck in the open windows of the kitchen. The deck door was ajar and Dad stood at the grill, spatula in hand, ready to flip the sizzling meat.

Mom and I carried platters of buns, condiments, potato salad and a colorful array of cut vegetables outside to the wrought iron patio set where Krissy and Luke sat, holding hands.

“Are you sure I can’t help?” Krissy asked.

I set down a tray of buns. Mom placed the round bowl heaped with chunks of oniony potato salad in the center of the oval patio table.

“You set the table,” she smiled.

“And I folded the napkins,” Luke put in. He held up a paper napkin, folded in a triangle.

Krissy’s cheeks pinked and she nuzzled Luke. “Yes you did. They look good.”

I positioned the vegetable tray next to the potato salad and plucked a carrot stick, crunched it. I pulled my cell phone out of the front pocket of my jeans for the time. Weston should be here any minute.

“How close are we?” Mom crossed to the barbeque and peered over Dad’s shoulder at darkening rounds of meat.

“About five minutes,” Dad said.

Abria bounced out of the open door and onto the deck, proceeding to climb on one of the heavy chairs. She giggled.

“Careful,” Luke told her. “Little monkey.”

Matthias had called Abria ‘little monkey’ more than once. I smiled, and saw him in my mind standing in Abria’s bedroom—as I’d seen him so many times before—holding Abria in his arms. A shot of love warmed me, deep down.

Aunt Janis had adopted the pet name since Matthias had left. It was still hard to hear it.

I’d forced myself not to count the days since I’d last seen Matthias.

Each day, I’d ached. Though school, Weston and life had helped soften the perforation of missing him, many of my thoughts still carried some part of him: the unique blue of his eyes, the twinkle of his spirit when I stood in his presence.

I picked Abria up and held her against me. “Did you buy Abria those special wheat-free buns at the health food store for her burger?” I asked Mom, carrying my sister back inside. Changing the subject might help—even if only temporarily. Mom stood over the sink, washing cooking utensils.

“Yes, thanks for reminding me. They’re in the cabinet. Get one out for her, will you please?”

I did, and Abria turned her head, uninterested in the specialty product.

“Hopefully, she’ll grow to like it,” I chuckled. One of the things Mom and Dad had learned at the autism conference was that children with autism tended to improve behaviorally when they were on a wheat-free diet.

So far, Abria hadn’t warmed up very well to the specially made foods.

But she was working with a wonderful speech therapist—at the suggestion of one of the specialists—and learning to use words to communicate.

“I thought Weston was coming,” Mom said.

The door bell rang. I grinned. Her right brow arched over a grin that mirrored mine.

I placed Abria on her feet, jogged to the front door and swung it open.

Weston looked yummy as a chocolate bar in jeans and a brown knit long sleeved shirt that accentuated his sculpted form. His coffee-rich eyes sparkled and he smiled. “Hey.”

I wrapped around him and breathed in his scrubbed-clean cologne, so freshly applied the scent dampened my nose going in. “Mmm, you smell great,” I murmured.

“So do you.” His face nuzzled deep into the curve of my neck. “Yum, hamburgers.”

We laughed. I eased back and lightly slugged his arm. He shut the door and I held out my hand. “Hungry?”

His keen gaze swept me from feet to eyes. “Starved.”

I led him through the afternoon sunbeams pouring in the windows and into the kitchen. He greeted Mom, who gave him a hug before she handed him a clear glass bowl filled with yellow cake and cream, layered with strawberries. “You’re just in time. Take that outside for me, will you please?”

She winked.

Weston nodded in good-mannered obligation and he and I went out on the deck. Abria stood on the same chair she’d tried to climb moments earlier, her gaze skyward, arms reaching.

Weston greeted Krissy with a nod, Luke with a handshake and then he gingerly placed Mom’s trifle down on the table.

“Hey, Weston.” Dad waved the spatula in greeting.

“Mr. Dodd.” Weston left my side to join Dad. “How’s it going? Looks good.”

“Going good. Hope you’re hungry.”

“Very. Can I do anything?”

“We’re about ready, I think.” Dad’s gaze flicked over Weston’s shoulder to me. I couldn’t keep the smile from my face, and felt insipidly in love, so I reached for another carrot stick and crunched, habit taking my gaze to Abria.

“Okay.” Weston crossed to me wearing a huge grin, his hands diving into the depths of his front pockets.

“You look happy,” I murmured.

“Dad came home today,” he said.

I hugged him. “I’m so glad.”

He reached for my hand and our fingers twined. “Me too. Mom’s happy to have him back and when I left to come here, they were in their bedroom, talking. At least I heard them talking. Not that I was listening. You know what I mean.” His cheeks flushed.

I nodded. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time.”

“Ready.” Dad announced, plopping the platter of meat down on the table.

“Up!” Abria squealed, arms reaching for the sky.

Mom came through the door and immediately grabbed her. “Why weren’t you guys watching her?”

“We were,” Luke said, then dipped his head sheepishly.

“She’s fine, Mom.” I pulled out a chair to sit and Weston moved in behind me, and his hand covered mine. He finished bringing the chair out and I sat. Weston sat in the chair next to me.

“Luke, bring Abria’s highchair to the table, will you please?” Mom tilted her head in the direction of the kitchen.

Luke got up and went inside.

Dad found an empty seat and surveyed the bounty on the table. “Looks good. Mmm, my favorite dessert.” His eyes sparkled at Mom. “Thank you.”

Mom sent him a private smile that warmed me, then she sat across from him.

Luke dragged out the highchair and placed it table side, then hefted Abria into it and locked the tray in place. Abria grunted with protest, her frustrated gaze skyward.

I followed her eyes to the blue sky filled with billowing white clouds, tinted now with warm amber shafts of light as the sun slid closer to the western mountains. I never looked at the clouds without thinking of Matthias and Heaven. Knowing he was happy and safe in a place I looked forward to, but didn’t long for like I had longed when he had been my guardian.

“Up!” Abria repeated, her hands straining.

Mom studied her with interest. “Do you think she remembers Matthias?” she whispered. Luke had yet to tell Krissy about Matthias, and the two of them were engaged in a chat.

Who could forget him?
“I’m sure she does,” I said. Another pang of familiar missing gnawed its way through my soul.

Dad extended his hands to his sides on the table top in invitation to join us all together for a word of prayer. The warm spring sun bathed us in radiant beams. We held hands and Dad bowed his head, sharing thoughts of gratitude.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket just as Dad finished. Mayhem broke out as arms reached for meat, buns, condiments, salad and everything else. Chat filled the air. Abria continued repeating, “Up! Up!Up!”

I pulled out my cell phone. A text. From Britt.

i’m back. i wanna c u, zoe. is that ok?

It took me a few seconds to put aside the surprise of hearing from her.

sure.

Britt and I planned to talk later. I slid my phone back into my pocket. I wondered how she was, where she was in her life now.

Weston handed me a burger.

“Thanks,” I said. “That was Britt. She’s back,” I kept my voice soft, so our conversation wouldn’t be heard. But Dad was analyzing his barbequing job with Mom and Krissy and Luke were laughing over something.