Accessory: The Scarab Beetle Series: #4 (The Academy) (36 page)

The doctor was an older Asian man. He checked my pulse, asked me questions about my period, and then offered me a pill, a muscle relaxer. He said it would make me sleepy. He said the cramps were probably due to stress, but if I developed other symptoms, that I should come back and see him.

“She should probably get some sleep,” he said to Blake once he came in to collect me.

“I’ll make sure she does,” he said, and shook the doctor’s hand.

By the time I was done, Blake had some clothes for me, items he’d bought in the shops, a brightly colored sundress, underwear and a pair of flip-flops. “Something simple to go back down to the rooms in,” he said. “I know it isn’t your style.”

I didn't know where my glasses had gone. I lost them back at the spa. After I got dressed and we left the office, I buried my face into Blake’s shoulder nearly the entire way down to the rooms. I couldn’t look at anyone. I thought for sure everyone on the ship knew what had happened, and they could see through to how I’d been naked and stupid and made a complete fool of myself. I wasn’t crying anymore, but I was still a complete mess. There was no way I could face anyone now. Forget the mission. Forget everything. How could I help anyone else when I was a stupid girl who couldn’t control her feelings and was selfish to want to draw their attention?

Barely out of the gate on this mission, and I’d probably destroyed the team. What kind of leader was I?

Blake led me down to my room. I was surprised he brought me there, but then, I wasn’t sure where else to go, either. I was just glad that the boys weren’t there.

He had a key for the door. He opened the door for me and I kicked off the flip-flops and went right for the bed. It had been made up, the maids had been by or the boys had cleaned it so they wouldn’t go in here.

I pulled the blanket aside and got in under it, pulling it over myself. I dropped my head onto the pillow. My eyes were sticky, raw and cold, tapped dry of tears. My heart was hollow.

I could have buried myself into the mattress for breaking down in front of the boys. No doubt it flared a lot of the anger amongst them. You can’t just cry in front of boys. It makes them crazy. It’s the dirtiest of all girl tricks and I’d never dared to use it in my life. This one time I couldn’t help it, and they all came rushing in at the same time, my tears making it worse since they were already fighting.

Now even Marc had to be caught up in the fight. They hadn’t been by the hospital to check up on me. They weren’t here now. My darkest assumptions repeated themselves my head over and over:
they hate you now, they know you’ve flirted with them all, they’re done, they don’t want to see you, and they don’t care how you are.

A sorry, exasperated sigh escaped my lips. “I hate my life,” I said.

Blake closed the door and locked it, then made sure the bathroom door was closed. He crawled over the covers and scooted up behind me. He put his arm under the pillow, and the other around my stomach, spooning into me. He kissed the back of my head. “I’m sorry, Kayli,” he said quietly.

I pressed my lips together, shaking and afraid I’d start crying again. Stupid, stupid messed up emotions. This wasn’t like me at all. I should be back there, shouting at all of them. “I...should leave,” I said. “I should leave the boat.”

“A little too late,” Blake said. “We’ve already set sail.”

I sniffed. There was no sensation of the boat moving. “I shouldn’t stay in here...maybe I need to be in another room. They’re all going to hate me now.”

“Why?” he asked. He held on tighter to me, a comfort I didn’t deserve. I thought to pull away from him, but couldn’t move any further on the bed without falling off, so I settled for staying as still as possible. I didn’t answer him either. He kissed my head again. “Why would they?”

I clenched my teeth hard. I couldn’t say it out loud. I’d flirted with them all, opened myself to them, wanting their attention and not telling the others about my feelings. In the end, I single-handedly ruined their group. And now they had to spend five days on board a ship with each other and me. I had no escape. They had no escape. Either I’d be banished from their group, or the group would fight until they broke. There was no way we could be the same after this.

I couldn’t admit any of this to Blake.

Blake lifted his arm from my stomach to brush some of my hair away from my face. “Are you going to sleep?”

I grunted. I wasn’t sure I would sleep. I had this underlying feeling that I should be up, scouting the ship for Mr. Smith. Hunting down whoever had knocked out Blake. Finding a place to hide before the others got here. If I was busy with the mission, maybe I could avoid them, ignore everything. Maybe I’d work with Fancy the rest of the trip as a beach bunny, staying out of their hair.

Blake sighed against me. “If you really want to stay somewhere else, I’ve got a cot. Or I’m sure Avery can work out another room.”

I wasn’t sure what was better, to stay here and wait or assume I was already ostracized and leave. When I thought to roll over and talk to him, I found my muscles really didn’t want to actually move. My entire body felt like lead. The medicine was pretty strong. “I don’t know if hiding will help.”

Blake dipped his head against my shoulder, pressing his lips to my skin. “Depends on who you’re hiding from. I didn’t catch why they’re so mad. Are they mad at you?”

Did he really not know? “Maybe.”

“Because of me?”

I forced myself to find some energy so I could turn, and when I started to, he pulled away enough that I could flip over. He had on a new gray shirt, similar to his other one. His light hair was a mess on one side. The makeup on his neck was smudged, some purple of the bruise showing through. He propped his head up in his hand and looked at me.

I felt gross with puffy eyes and my cheeks all hot. “It’s not about you,” I said. “Not at the moment.”

“Avery said something about you being hurt. I think we all got there at the same time. Why did they all jump on Axel? Did he do something?”

I shook my head and closed my eyes. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Seems to me like you need to talk to someone,” he said, his voice was oddly calm, soft and yet that deep male tenor. He combed my hair from my face with his fingers and then traced a fingertip over my brow and to my temple. “I might just be on the outside looking in, but usually problems show up on teams when people aren’t talking when they should be.”

“I thought you always worked solo.”

“Never work solo, sweetheart,” he said. “The people we’re investigating, they aren’t alone. You shouldn’t be. Even Sherlock had a Watson.”

“What about when you were slipping drugs out of the country on your yacht?”

“I had Doyle,” he said. “And the man I was helping got his son out of the mess, plus employees. They’ve gotten pretty used to me doing what I do.” He smiled, the gold flecks in his eyes shining. “And then you came along.” He continued touching me, tucking some of my hair behind my ear, brushing back the long strands away from my face. “But funny how I’m talking about me, and we’re getting away from the subject. Tell me what’s going on.”

I sniffed, noting how I smelled still of sulfur water from the hot tub. I had no one else to tell, and he wasn’t going to like this. He might be right though. The problem was I was keeping these secrets to myself. No one really knew the depths of how I felt, and how confused I was.

I dipped my head, lowering my eyes to the buttons on his shirt, the slight opening revealing a trace of his collarbone from the way he was horizontal on the bed. It was easier to talk to his shirt than his eyes. “Axel had me in a room alone and asked me to commit to a relationship with him. Some of the guys overheard and I suspect more than one was jealous. I don’t know what they think they heard, only that I rejected him, and that he possibly made me cry at some point. I don’t know how they figured that out. I wasn’t crying.”

I didn’t think I was, although I imagined with maybe some of the kissing and deep breaths going on, maybe they mistook that as crying instead of kissing.

Blake was quiet so I kept going. “Now it sounds like they’re all angry at Axel, but if they were to talk more, they’d find out they’ve all been flirting with me…and I’ve been avoiding committing any of them. So they might not be happy with each other. Or me.”

“Uh huh,” he said quietly. His hand smoothed down to my chin, encouraging me to lift my head to look at him, but I refused, tugging myself away. I was ashamed, I couldn’t look him in the face. “Little miss Kayli, you’ve got a real big pickle there.”

“I think they tried to ostracize Axel, and that whole situation just...exploded. Then I really was hurt and down and couldn’t pull myself together to get them to back off of each other.” I sighed, figuring I might as well spill all of it. The only solution I could see to possibly saving their friendship was if I left now. “I’ve been with the guys for a few weeks now, and they’ve all expressed interest in a relationship...and I might have encouraged the idea with each of them, without committing.”

“Which ones?” he asked.

I shrugged, burying my head into the pillow. Did it matter? I’d been flirting with a group of friends, and eventually, if not already, they’d know what I’d done and they’d kick me out.

I didn’t want them to break up their friendship and team because of me. How could I fix it? If I made myself the harlot who only teased them and got what she wanted and left, they wouldn’t be to blame. Then they could make me the bad guy. It’d save them from tearing each other apart.

I’d be alone, but did I deserve any better? I hadn’t meant for it to be like this, but if I had to be their villain to save them, it was the only solution I could come up with.

“I’m going to guess all of them,” he said. “Even that Kevin? He’s got a girl, doesn’t he?”

I snorted. “No, not him. And not really Corey, I guess. He’s my friend but not interested in...girls.”

“Really? Corey? You know, you’ve said this to me before, but I don’t see him as being gay.”

“He is. His brother said so. Either he’s gay or he just isn’t interested. But who would know better than his twin brother?”

“Huh,” Blake said. He leaned into me and then wrapped his arms around me, holding me to his chest. “So little Miss Kayli got a little too close.”

“I’m surprised you’re not out there with them discussing how to burn the witch for fraternizing with too many of them.”

“I don’t think they’ll care what I have to say,” he said. “And I didn’t come along on this trip for them.” He traced his fingertips against my cheek and then my jaw. “I hate to ask this but hear me out. Did you consider the fact that you haven’t chosen one of them because you’re not really interested? Was the choice not that clear for you?”

I swallowed thickly, and turned my head into the pillow. The problem certainly wasn’t that any of them weren’t good enough. They were just too good for me, too unbelievably cool and talented. I was the one who had come into their circle, trying to keep up, trying to be that cool. I kept falling behind. I liked them too much. “They’re not bad people,” I said. “I am.”

“You’re not a bad person, Kayli,” he said. “A bad person wouldn’t fight with me so much about doing the right thing.” He cuddled into me, moving his chin against the side of my face, the coarse hair of his stubble scratching me, in a nice way. “And a bad girl wouldn’t feel this distraught about having so many people angry at her.”

“I kept trying to give things time, because...I was sure they’d all eventually not be interested and it wouldn’t matter,” I said.

“So you kept your expectations low for any sort of relationship and just let things happen?”

I didn’t respond. It was the truth. I wanted to defend my decision, but had no excuse for my behavior.

“Come on,” he said, nudging me. “Don’t hold back now.”

“I like them all,” I said. “So I was waiting for them to decide.” It felt rude to talk about this and knowing he’d been interested. Was I going to lose him, too, now? Would he feel weird if I did include him in with my poor decision making?

“Didn’t you just say you let Axel down?”

“I was trying to avoid relationship talks. I thought…later I thought they’d get mad at me or each other and hurt the team.”

“So you’ve never really given any of them a chance at all.”

“I’ve been around them for weeks.”

“But they think they’re making relationships with you when you weren’t. You were waiting for them to get to this point, for them to realize they all like you and to what... fight it out until there was a winner and let him claim you? Just because you can’t make a decision?” He shook his head, backing up. “No. I don’t buy it, Kayli.”

I turned over in the bed, pulling away from him. I buried my face into the blankets. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“And you don’t get to push me away,” he said. “I’ve seen what you do, Kayli. You wait for me to make a move, because you’re too afraid to do anything yourself. I never thought I’d see you afraid of anything.”

“I’m not afraid,” I said, although it was hard to be sure he heard me with my head stuffed into the pillow and the blanket over my face.

He leaned into my arm and put part of the weight of his upper body against mine, squeezing me into the bed. “You’re afraid of making a bad choice, of making a commitment to someone who will disappoint you, so you don’t choose. Maybe that was what was wrong with your other relationships, sweetheart. You didn’t really choose them, you let them choose you and just let things happen. Did they ever see the real you? What you’re like when you’re really into someone and want to date that person?”

I didn’t move and didn’t answer. I didn’t want to think about old boyfriends.

“What I see,” he said quietly, “is a girl who is alone in the world, trying to survive, getting thrown into situations and relying on other people, something she isn’t used to. And then when those people get a glimpse at the real woman underneath all that fight and bluster, they’re attracted, and Kayli’s too afraid to admit that she’s worth attention and love.”

“Since when did you become a psychologist?”