Accidental Sorcerer (39 page)

Monk shrugged. 'Sorry. Duty calls. Regil fill you in, she's dying to do it. Anyway, it's your own fault, Gerald, snoring in bed instead of entertaining your guests.'

He knew his friend very well; beneath the disrespectful humour lurked trepidation. 'What duty? Monk, what's going on?'

Another shrug and a sheepish smile. 'Seems I've got an interview with the Department's Thaumaturgical Ethics Committee. I suspect they want to rap my knuckles over the portable portal . .. and a few other things.'

Gerald threw his blankets aside. 'Then I'm coming with you. Blimey, are they
stupid?
Don't they
realise -'

Monk and Rupert bundled him back into bed. Humiliatingly, he couldn't stop them. His body was weak, his muscles petulant and protesting. 'Back off. Let me up! I'm -'

'Staying put,' Rupert said sharply, but with a smile. 'Aside from sore knuckles, Mister Markham will be fine.'

'Fine?
Rupert, you're clueless! You don't know what that damned Department's like! They'll skin him alive and charge him for the labour! They'll -'

'Gerald, it's all right,' Monk said. 'Honest. My Department bosses do have a point.' He glanced at Rupert. 'His Majesty's put in a good word for me. I'll survive.'

He had to lie down again. Falling against his pillows he said, his voice unsteady, 'But your career's cactus because you helped me.'

'Not
cactus,'
said Monk. 'Compost, maybe.' Another sharkish grin. 'You can grow good stuff with compost, I'm told.'

He had to smile. Typical Markham: lemonade from lemons, every bloody time. 'Even so ...'

Melissande patted his shoulder. 'Don't worry, Gerald. I'm going with him.' She flicked a gaze at her brother, i'm still the prime minister around here, for a few more days anyway, and I'll make sure those Department idiots remember what Rupert said. Or else.'

Rupert considered her. 'Melissande ... it's a lovely gesture and I'm sure Markham appreciates it immensely, but as much as I love you I couldn't in all conscience call you diplo-'

'Oh,
please]'
she retorted.
'You're
calling
my
judgement into question? The man who let himself get bitten by vampire butterflies when it said quite clearly on the box
Do Not Open In The Presence Of Light?
Spare me, I beg you!'

As the king and his sister bickered, Gerald looked at Monk. 'Are you sure you want her defending you? She can be a bit... overwhelming.'

Monk pulled a face. 'Right now I'll take all the help I can get. Besides. You should've seen her talking to Attaby and my Uncle Ralph. She nearly threw their teacups at them. She was
magnificent.'

And you're in love with her.
He knew the signs. Maybe this time Monk's lightning-strike passion would last longer than a month ... and maybe it wouldn't.

But either way it'd be an interesting ride.

For himself he didn't mind. He liked the princess; perhaps even cared for her. But she wasn't for him. Not like that.

'Ha,' said Reg, finally joining in. 'Teacups.
I
was all set to poke them in the unmentionables,
that
would've made them sit up and squawk!'

Monk shook his head. 'I dunno, Gerald. How do you stand it?'

He stroked Reg's wing with one finger. 'Well, you know. She kind of grows on you ...'

'Yes, yes, I remember. Like fungus,' said Reg, and sniffed. 'I
suppose,'
she added, grudgingly, 'the girl didn't handle herself
too
shabbily. I
suppose
I could stand it if I saw her again.' Then she shuddered. 'But only if she swears to burn her wardrobe!'

Melissande, finished with putting Rupert in his place, turned.'I heard that, bird.'

Reg smirked. 'You were meant to, ducky'

'I
really
have to go,' said Monk, forestalling bloodshed. 'If you're coming, Melissande, then come. Your Majesty -' He bowed. 'Thank you.'

Rupert rested his hand on Monk's shoulder. 'No, my friend. The debt is mine and New Ottosland's. Visit us whenever you can.'

'I certainly will, sir, provided I'm not chained to my desk. Or a damp wall somewhere deep underground.' He turned. 'Look. Gerald. Don't do it, mate, all right? Not unless you
really
want to.'

Gerald stared.'Do what?'

'I'll see you later. Back in Ottosland.'

'Markham! Don't do what? What are you talking about?'

But Monk was gone.

Melissande glared, hands on hips. 'I'd better go too. Now you rest, do you hear me, Gerald? Or when I come back I'll - I'll be
snippy!

Reg rolled her
eyes.'Tliat'll
make a change.'

'Melissande!' Monk bellowed from beyond the bedroom.

'You've been warned!' said Melissande, and fled. As Gerald stared after her Rupert sat in the armchair by the bed.

'Well,' he said, and crossed his legs. It was incredible. He actually looked elegant. 'You'd like an explanation, I imagine.'

A headache was brewing behind his eyes. In a strange way he felt almost
betrayed,
though he and Rupert weren't actual real friends, i think I'm owed one. Don't you ... Rupert?'

Rupert nodded. 'You and many others, Gerald.'

'So. Exactly how long
did
you know?'

'That Lional was ... unstable?' Rupert steepled his fingers. It was profoundly disconcerting, such an un-Rupert-like pose.'Since I was six.'

'What happened when you were six?'

A flicker of pain twisted Rupert's face. 'Lional killed someone I cared for. Our nanny. He was ten.'

Ten?
'How?'

'A toy left carelessly on top of a staircase,' said Rupert. His gaze was unfocussed, lost in memory. 'Of course everyone said it was an
accident.
Lional wept. But as she lay dying Nanny asked to see me. Held me close to her poor broken body and whispered, 7t
was murder. Never turn your back on your brother, lovey. Never let him see your true face. This poor kingdom will need you one day!
Rupert shrugged. 'Nanny never lied to me. I believed her.'

Gerald felt a cold shiver run through him. 'And so you invented ... the other Rupert.'

'Not all at once,' said Rupert, nodding. 'I didn't wish to arouse suspicions. Just day by day ... one mannerism, one eccentricity at a time ... until my true face was hidden, not just from Lional but from Melissande too. From the whole world.' He grimaced. 'From myself, in the end.'

He tried to imagine it and couldn't. 'But you were only six. You were a
child!

'A child?' Rupert laughed; a dreadful sound. 'With Lional as my older brother? Oh, Gerald. I was
never
a child.'

'But what about your parents?'

'What about them? They doted on their kingdom's heir. Lional was ... a beautiful boy. It was only later, as his nature refined itself, that they began to worry. I think, perhaps, to suspect. But by then it was far too late.'

Reg cleared her throat. 'Silly buggers.'

Rupert did a double take then smiled. 'I'm sorry. I confess I still find you a trifle hard to believe ...'

'Ha,' said Reg.
'This
from the man with a pet butterfly named Esmerelda.' She sniffed. 'How's the little Dumb Cluck doing, anyway?'

'You mean she's not dead?' said Gerald. And why that would sting him with tears he couldn't begin to say ...

Rupert smiled sadly. 'No. She's the only survivor, though. I found her hiding under a rose bush. With Boris.'

It was ridiculous but he felt comforted by the news.'I'm glad.'

'Believe it or not, so am I,' said Rupert. 'She really is very sweet.' His expression darkened. 'And after seeing the carnage at the stables ... and elsewhere in the kingdom ... I needed cheering up.'

'I'm sorry,' Gerald said at last. His throat was hot and tight; it was hard to get the words out.

'Not your fault,' said Rupert heavily. He looked ill. Years older.

Did he believe that or just say it because it was expected? Because the wizard was half-blind now and needed careful handling? Gerald couldn't tell. But in staring at Rupert, trying to decide, he discovered a rising resentment.

'You should've told me what you knew' The criticism came out more sharply than he intended, than perhaps was wise. But he was tired and newly aching and blind in one eye. 'Maybe if you'd
told
me -'

'I couldn't!' said Rupert just as sharply. Then he sighed. 'It was too risky. I couldn't trust you'd not give me away. Not on purpose, perhaps, but even so. Lional was very ... astute.'

Astute. That was one word. 'He was mad, Rupert.'

'Oh yes,' said Rupert softly. 'Above all else, he was mad.' He hesitated, then added, 'And of course it seemed for a while there you were in his pocket.'

'Except I wasn't! I was only pretending so I could find out what the hell was going on! Melissande
asked
me to -'

i know,' said Rupert, placating, it seems all of us were wearing masks, Gerald. Trying to protect each other or ourselves. I did the best I could, you know. I tried to put you on your guard. Steer you in the right direction. I just couldn't afford to be explicit. If I had been, you can be sure I'd have met with an accident too.'

Although resentment lingered he had to smile. 'You should've been an actor, Rupert. I never
dreamed
there was a brain inside that ninny head of yours.'

Rupert grinned.'Thank you. I think.' He winced. 'Sorry'

'Don't be,' said Rupert, amusement fading, i'm the one who should be apologising. I've hardly slept since . . .' He cleared his throat. 'Hindsight is an unkind thing. Could I have stopped him? One minute I'm convinced I couldn't, the next I'm sure if I'd just confided in you or Greenfeather, if I'd gone for help, persuaded Melissande to leave, raised the alarm, fled to Zazoor -'

it seems to me,' said Reg, hopping onto the bedrail and fixing them with a stern dark gaze, 'there's not one of us not wishing right now we'd done something different. That's called second-guessing yourself, that is, and if you ask me it's a load of mouldy old bollocks.
If only - / wish - what if
-' She snorted, i'm telling you, Rupert, and you too, Gerald, and you can pass it along to Princess Pushy when she gets back: you'll drive yourselves as mad as that mad bugger Lional if you start down that road. We can't undo what's happened. The dead are buried and we can't unbury them. All we can do
is
live what's left of our lives in a way that won't shame their memories. And make sure nothing like this
ever happens again.'

'Indeed,' said Rupert after a prickly silence.

Gerald nodded. 'I suppose.' He just had no idea how.'So. What happens now?'

'Now?' Rupert frowned, considering. 'Now I appoint a new privy council and get on with the business of governing the kingdom. New Ottosland is hurt, and as her king it's my job to heal her wounds.'

'And what about the Kallarapi? Are they still hanging around, or have you sent them packing?'

Rupert's face was lit by a sudden smile. Achingly, fleetingly it held an echo of Lional. 'No, they've gone home. But their visit proved
most
agreeable. The army, you know, pitched in and helped all over the place, picking up the pieces that dragon left behind. Wonderful chaps. Not very talkative but good God, their stamina! And I had a
wonderful
meeting with Sultan Zazoor. Everything I remembered about him from boarding school was right. He was an excellent cricket captain and I'm sure he'll do an equally fine job as sultan. We've worked out a schedule for repayments of the outstanding debt and there are some ideas for a possible renegotiation of the original treaty, as well as future collaborative enterprises. It's very exciting.'

Certainly Rupert looked excited; the shadows were chased from his eyes and he looked young again. 'That sounds great, Rupert. But ... what about Shugat?'

'Ah. Yes,' said Rupert thoughtfully.'Well of course he saved your life, so I'm bound to look on him favourably. But you know, Gerald, just between you and me and the window ... I wasn't sorry to wave him goodbye. A most ...
uncomfortable ...
fellow'

Uncomfortable was one word. 'You're sure there are no hard feelings after everything Lional tried to do?'

Rupert shrugged. 'Apparently not. So it's full steam ahead. Tradition with a capital T is about to make way for Progress with a capital P. And
not
before time.'

'And what about Melissande? Is she going to remain your prime minister?'

'Dear Melly' Rupert smiled. 'No. It's time my sister had a life of her own. I've had a good long talk with your Department of Thaumaturgy, and with Markham, and since she appears to have some thaumaturgical aptitude she's to be enrolled in Madam Olliphant's Witches' Academic I understand Markham's sister Emmerabiblia was very happy there.'

Good for Melissande. At last she had the brother she deserved. 'Oh, yes, Monk's sister had a great time at the academic Really enjoyed it. Well. Except for the uniform.' When Rupert looked at him, puzzled, he added: 'Bibbie's very call and thin and the academic uniform is green and silver. She says it made her look like a frostbitten asparagus.'

Reg chortled. 'Saint Snodgrass alone knows what Miss Ex-Prime Minister's going to look like. Frozen squashed cabbage probably'

'Reg ...'

'And as for the poor bloody staff, they're going to go bonkers trying to unteach her everything she's learned from that charlatan Madam Rinky Tinky! Poor buggers.'

Rupert eyed Reg askance. 'I'm sure it'll all work out fine. I mean, I know Mel doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve but I'm her brother and I can tell: inside, she's very excited.'

'That's nothing to what the academies going to be when it finds out madam can't tell the difference between an etheretic transductor and her own right foot!'

Gerald gave up and shoved her under the blankets. 'Well, Rupert,' he said.'Is that it? We just... go on?'

Rupert ignored the strangled squawking emanating from under the bedclothes and nodded gently. 'Yes. We do. After all, my friend ... what other choice is there?'