Actually Love - Jessie & Zach (34 page)

It wasn’t just his face, which she missed more than she’d ever thought was possible, since she didn’t really think someone could miss a
face.

It wasn’t just his body, which
come on.
If there were a person on this earth whose
body
someone would miss, it would be Zach Courtland’s. Every time she saw it, in all of its naked glory, she still couldn’t believe it was real. And she couldn’t believe that she had full access to it. Talk about winning the casual hook-up lottery. Best. Thing.
Ever
.

It wasn’t just his voice, which she could listen to nonstop for the rest of her life and
never
get tired of hearing or feeling. She loved laying her head against Zach’s chest whenever he was talking, the vibrations soothed her and took the edge off better than anything.

Well…except sex with Zach. Which was another thing topping the what-she-missed-about-Zach chart. Sex with Zach did a lot more than just take the edge off.

All of those things she missed—like crazy. But what she was really having the biggest issue with was the feeling that she had when she was with him. That intangible
something
she felt every time he came in a room, called her on the phone, or when she was just in the same house as him. When she was with Zach, no matter where they were, she felt like she was where she belonged.

Sitting up, she fluffed (punched!) her pillow several more times in frustration. Since he’d walked off the dance floor tonight, she’d had this uneasy feeling she couldn’t shake. Jessie tried to tell herself that it was just because she was worried about his fight. But that wasn’t it. Even though she didn’t love the idea of someone trying to hurt him on purpose, she felt this inner assurance that Zach could handle anything that came his way. He was
Superman,
after all.

Lying back down in the bed, Jessie once again stared at the ceiling and tried to really pinpoint what could possibly be bothering her. The wedding had been amazing. Haley could not be happier. Her entire family seemed to have had a blast. Especially Becca, who Brian had taken back to her hotel room and not some random guy from the wedding, which made Jessie feel a lot better. Her career was fine. Even things with Zach were fine.

Her stomach turned. Why did the feeling always get worse when she thought of Zach?

A loud knock sounded, and Jessie stumbled out of bed, trying to rush to the door. Looking through the peephole, she was flooded with excitement and terror all at once.

“What’s wrong? Is your mom okay?” she asked as she flung open the door.

“She’s fine.” Zach stepped into the room. He was wearing his usual attire of yep, sweats, and looking far sexier than any man had a right to look.

Jessie’s body immediately sat up and took notice of the sex appeal that dripped off of him like an ice cream cone melting in the sun. She told her hormones to
settle down
. This was obviously not a booty call or Zach would have her naked and up against the wall right now. That thought did not help her in the calming hormones department.

She watched silently as Zach paced all the way to the back sliding door and then back to where she was still standing by the door. Then he made the trip again. And again. She thought about flipping on the light, but decided against it. The only light source in the hotel room came from the moonlight shining through the sheer curtains and the darkness in the space seemed to match Zach’s energy.

“Are you okay?” she asked tentatively.

Obviously, Zach wasn’t okay. It was three thirty in the morning, he was supposed to be on a flight in two hours leaving from O’Hare, and he was pacing back and forth in her hotel room in Whisper Lake. But that’s the best she could come up with.

“We need to talk,” he said, pointing to the small desk she’d been working at when she couldn’t sleep.

Uh oh.

Now Zach was scaring her, but Jessie tried to employ her old standby, which was to not freak out until she had all the information. As calmly as possible Jessie made her way over to the desk, she sat in the chair he’d motioned to and waited. Taking a seat across from her on the edge of the bed, Zach’s eyes did not meet hers as he ran his fingers through his hair.

Jessie wanted to reach out to him. To comfort him. To tell him that, whatever it was, it would be okay and they would fix it. But since she wasn’t sure if
she
was actually the problem, she remained silent. Luckily, she’d had years of practice keeping her thoughts to herself.

“I love you.” Zach’s eyes finally met hers, his voice was pained. The admission sounded as if it were the last thing he wanted.

Jessie waited to see what the “but” was because that was not a happily-ever-after declaration of ‘I love you.’ That was an I-love-you-but-I-never-want-to-see-you-again declaration of ‘I love you.’

“And I can’t do this.” Zach’s stare was serious as he waved his hand, gesturing between them.

Yep. There it was. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she was determined not to let him see her cry. It was difficult though. Not purely because of the overwhelming feeling of loss, but also the actual physical pain her body was in.

Her heart (which all her life she’d believed should have an Out-of-Order sign hanging around it) was not only working, it was breaking into thousands of tiny pieces.

Jessie had never believed in the existence of heartache. She thought it was just a saying that people threw around. Just like she’d thought love wasn’t real either. Turns out she was wrong on both points.

As she tried to take in a breath, the walls began to feel like they were closing in on her and the room suddenly felt very small. She needed space. She needed air. She needed Zach to leave.

Standing quickly she moved as fast as her feet would take her towards the door. In a tone as close to casual as she could manage she said, “Thanks for banging on my door, at three thirty in the morning, to tell me that. You could have just sent me a text to let me know. You didn’t have to be so dramatic.”

Jessie was trying desperately to maintain her composure until he left the room. She just had to hold on for a few more seconds and he would be gone. He’d probably be relieved that this ‘breakup’ could be over so quickly. He started peeling off the Band-Aid and, just like when she was little, she ripped it off the rest of the way.

Opening the door, she turned to see Zach still sitting on the bed, looking…confused. Why was he still sitting there? He needed to leave.

“Okay. No more roommates with benefits. I get it. It’s not that big of a deal.” She shrugged with a smile that she knew didn’t reach her eyes, hoping he hadn’t heard the crack in her voice and couldn’t see the tears pooling in her eyes.

“Yes it is.” Zach’s long arms flew up as he stood, his voice rising as he stated firmly and with conviction, “
That’s
my point.”

Jessie shut the door quickly and quietly so hotel security didn’t come a-knockin’ since obviously this breakup of a fake relationship was not over. Looks like the Band-Aid was still hanging on even though she’d tried to rip that sucker off.

Turning back to Zach, Jessie crossed her arms in front of her chest. It may have been perceived as a defensive move on her part, but in actuality it was a protective one. “
What
is your point?” she snapped.

“Fuck,” Zach’s voice filled with frustration as he rubbed his hands over his face. “I knew this wouldn’t come out right.”

Even though she was hurt and her heart felt like someone had put it through a wood chipper, it still killed her to see Zach upset. He’d had so much pain in his life. She didn’t want to be one more thing that he had to deal with.

Trying to put on as happy a face as she could, she took a deep breath and forced herself across the room. When she reached him, just his nearness made her legs shake, and she decided to take a seat. When she did, he sat down on the bed next her, still looking tortured.

“Look, we had fun. That was all it was. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s not like we were headed down the aisle to the altar,” she said with a smile that she hoped looked genuine.

His green eyes stared into hers and she just knew that he had a clear line all the way down to her soul. Because he saw her. Really saw her.

And he didn’t want to be with her.

She felt tears welling up again.

Shit.

Looking down at her hands, which were fidgeting in her lap, she tried to tell herself to pull it together. Tried to be the person Zach needed so that he could walk away from this guilt-free.
She
had been the one who told Margie and Mabel that they were a couple.
She
had been the one who said that she wanted a one-night stand. And
she
had been the one who said that she wanted to be roommates with benefits.

This whole thing was her fault. Zach had just been dragged along with her on this insane, ludicrous roller coaster.

“I want to marry you.”

“What?!” she screeched as she whirled her head up. Her heart, which moments ago felt shattered, was now pounding rapidly in her chest.

Jessie’s first thought was that she must have misheard him. But, as quickly as the thought popped into her mind, she dismissed it. Those five words had definitely come out of Zach’s perfect mouth.

So he must be joking
. But what guy would joke around about marrying someone?
Especially,
during a breakup.

Searching his face for clues her only answer was he looked serious. Really serious.

He couldn’t be serious. Right?!

*     *     *

Zach saw the expression on Jessie’s face. It was a cross between horror, shock and disbelief. Not exactly what he’d imagined a girl to look like when told her he wanted to marry her.

He shook his head, trying to clear it. He didn’t know how to explain what he was thinking without scaring her off. But since he’d just led with a marriage proposal, he figured,
Screw it. What do I have to lose?

“I know that’s the last thing you want to hear. I know that you don’t believe in love. I know that you wanted to keep this casual. But it’s not casual. Not for me, anyway.

“I think I might have started falling in love with you before I even knew your name. The first time you looked at me, down in that basement, I was gone. You had me. And ever since that moment I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to fight it. Deny it. Ignore it.

“But tonight when I dropped my mom off and I told her I loved her like I do every time I leave her, because I don’t know if that’s going to be the last time I’ll see her, it hit me that I’ve never told
you
how I feel. And the next thing I knew, I was driving straight back here to tell you because no one is promised tomorrow and I just… I just
have
to tell you.”

The thought of something happening to one of them and her not knowing what she meant to him was too much to bear. Zach took a deep steadying breath. There was a really good chance that his heart was about to get plowed by a steamroller and he’d only have himself to blame. But, he could live with that. What he couldn’t live with was living even one more minute without telling the beautiful brown-eyed girl sitting beside him, his uptown girl, how he felt about her.

“I love you, Jessie Sloan. I would marry you tomorrow if you would have me. I know that, until the last breath I take, I will love you with every single ounce of my being. Nothing will ever change that. You have me, even if you don’t want me. But I can’t be just roommates with benefits, I can’t be just your fake boyfriend. I want to be with you, really be with you, and if that’s not what you wan—”

“That’s what I want,” Jessie spoke quickly then took a deep breath. Her brown eyes were filled with tears, but her face was lit up with a huge smile as she nodded. “That’s what I want. I love you, Zach. I know I said I didn’t believe in love, but I was wrong. I love you.”

She sniffed as tears fell down her cheeks. “I love you so much, I didn’t even know how I was going to sleep without you tonight. I love you so much, that not a minute goes by that I don’t think about you. I love you so much, that when I thought this was over, I felt like the room was closing in on me. I love you so much, I will admit I was wrong. Love is real. What we have is real. No more roommates with benefits. No more fake boyfriend. I want to be with you. Really be with you.”

Now it was Zach’s turn to stare in shock and disbelief. It took him a few moments for her words finally sink in. When they did, relief spread through him like a wildfire.

Reaching out he pulled Jessie onto his lap and buried his face in the crook of her neck. She wound her arms around his neck as he hugged her tightly against him. Closing his eyes, he breathed in her coconut shampoo as she snuggled closer to him. He loved the way she melted against him whenever she was in his arms.

“But I do want to keep the benefits portion of our former arrangement,” she said as she wiggled her hips and pressed her lips to Zach’s neck.

Jessie sent him from zero to rock hard in .00002 seconds. She had from the moment he’d laid eyes on her. And he knew she always would.