Adapting Desires (Endangered Heart Series Book 3) (6 page)

“Well,” Emilia said, trying to smile. “Like I said, you do look a lot better, healthier.”

“I tried to get in touch with you,” she explained hurriedly. “Picked up the phone so many times to say sorry in person…I had no idea where you were, the cleaning company said you had left, and the university said they couldn’t tell me anything unless I was your emergency contact.”

Emilia only nodded and looked away. Was it even possible that Susan had put forth that much effort into anything involving her daughter?

“Oh, you should come by my new apartment. It’s only a one bedroom, but—”

“I can’t, Mom,” Emilia stopped her mid-sentence. “Really. I have a five hour drive back and I should have left an hour ago.”

“Oh,” she said with some disappointment. “I see.”

Emilia, feeling that obligatory need to make others feel better immediately, went to cheer her up. “Maybe another time though…when I come back around for Thanksgiving.”

Susan’s face lit back up. “We should spend the holiday together! I can’t wait to meet your husband.”

Halfway through the process of packing up her school bag, Emilia stopped and startled, nearly dropping her laptop on the sticky diner floor. She knew Kasper wouldn’t approve of her and Susan’s reunion, albeit an unsteady one. And with the two of them just having fought about such a delicate subject, she considered that perhaps she should put off telling him about it altogether.

“I think it’s too soon for that,” Emilia admitted. She zipped up her bag loudly. “Frankly, Mom, if you’ve made genuine progress, I think that’s great. I’m really happy for you, honest. But I’m not ready to have you back in my life yet. I’ve got too much going on for you to, well, for you to screw up.”

Susan’s lip quivered, and for a minute Emilia thought she might burst out crying like she always used to. Emilia looked over her shoulder, making a quick study of the exits in case she needed an escape.

Instead Susan surprised her, straightening her posture and folding her hands across the table. “I-I understand.”

“Really?” Emilia blinked one, twice, and repeated the dialogue in her head. “That’s very…mature of you, Mom.”

She moved her hand to rest on top of Emilia’s. “I know I was never much of a mother to you, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to make that up to you. But if not…” She smiled sadly. “Well, I suppose I’d deserve it.”

“I, ah, don’t know what to say.” She removed her hand awkwardly and secured it under her backpack strap.

“Just tell me you’ll think about it, huh?”

And think about it she did. Well, after the day was through and after classes started the next day. In fact, her entire week was spent thinking about her mother’s proposal and Kasper’s decision not to have children, giving way to days of stress in the week that followed. She and Kasper spoke little, usually only through text messages or hurried phone calls that she blamed on imaginary study groups or lab work. The reality of the situation however was that the hurt of Kasper’s decision continued to ache days after he announced it, and the more she considered it, the more personal Emilia took Kasper’s verdict.

If he thought the world so cruel, so harsh and unimaginable, even with everything they had and each other, then how much did their relationship truly mean? Every day, people all around the world who barely liked each other, barely knew one another, came together to raise children and were mildly successful in the endeavor. Considering how deeply she and Kasper loved each other, knew and understood each other, didn’t he think that they could raise a happy, healthy human being to adulthood?

Or maybe it wasn’t even about the likelihood of success. Perhaps Kasper was genuinely fearful of the sort of influence his appearance would have on a child—on the sort of reputation the child would have amongst
his
friends and teachers. Maybe Kasper wanted to spare a child the burden of having an “ugly” father? The accusations that he had a “gold digging” mother? Emilia knew just as well as Kasper how unkind children could be to one another. If Kasper was so intent on getting these surgeries he seemed to want so badly, and they were even marginally successful, then these fears did not hold much sway either.

Maybe, she considered, they could compromise. If she could open herself up to Kasper having at least one or two surgeries after the rhinoplasty then perhaps he would at least consider adoption, open himself up to the pros and cons to having a child under their care. At a minimum, she knew that he would listen to gentle nagging of the topic, and when it came to getting what she wanted, Emilia Zafar knew she would be devout in her patience.

Chapter 5

He hadn’t blamed her for being angry, certainly not for being upset. In fact, Kasper had expected it, this awareness had still not prepared him for her distance over the few days, and her distinct coldness when she did speak to him. Regardless, he had opted to give Emilia her space and focus himself on preoperative blood work and the stacks of questionnaire forms that had been sent over by Dr. Taylor’s office in addition to the office work he had to conquer so as to not fall behind in the immediate days after going under the knife.

It did not take long, however, for him to miss her, for his excitement over his procedures to dwindle out the practicality for the situation. Kasper was mildly confident that she wouldn’t leave him—at least he hadn’t been until Aasif had run his mouth off to Mrs. Levkin about the source of their argument. Once both women had effectively given him the cold shoulder for three days, he did reconsider that perhaps asking a woman to give up her maternal instinct for all her life was slightly unreasonable, even for him. This new theory panicked him significantly, prompting him to such desperation that he even sought Aasif’s advice not once, but twice.

“I could build her a house,” Kasper mused. “One of her very own, design it to her specifications, with a separate office for her practice—kennels and cages for the animals she treats. Would that not serve as a substitute?”

Aasif rolled his eyes and propped his feet up on the ottoman. “You cannot bribe a person out of their feelings…especially a woman.”

Kasper took another puff from his cigar and another turn about the room. “Well, surely once she finishes school she will want to get her career in order—”

“That will buy you two, three years at the most. If a child is something she genuinely wants she won’t be unconvinced of it in such a short time.”

“Well, what in the hell do you suggest I do then? I purchase her all the ugly little puppies in the world?”

Aasif laughed freely, rolling his tie around his finger. “That’s only another band-aid, and a poor one at that.”

Kasper stopped his pacing and glared. Narrowing his eyes, his did his best to stare the attorney down. Unfortunately, his attempt at intimidation was unsuccessful.

“You seem so sure on what I should
not
do, so why don’t you tell me what I should do?” The last half of the question was loud enough to startle the attorney out of his stupor, but Kasper didn’t let his amusement show.

“Frankly, I suggest you adjust yourself to the idea of fatherhood.” Aasif quickly recovered from his fright, laughing softly to himself at the idea.

Kasper continued his pacing and grit his teeth. “That is not what I wanted to hear.”

“Of course it isn’t.” He uncrossed and recrossed his feet. “But do you want to lose her?”

“Don’t be absurd.”

“And do you love her?”

He rolled his eyes. “What did I just say about being absurd?”

“Then you need to at least reconsider the prospect, Kasper. Honestly, with nannies, boarding schools, and tutors, I wouldn’t think you’d have to see the child at all if you wanted to.”

Kasper sighed. The ability to provide a child with everything they could want and more was one of the points Emilia had argued. Admittedly, there were far worse fates than living abroad and bearing the brunt of a generous education. Still, when spoken out loud, even Kasper had to admit there was something cold-hearted about taking in a child only to have them be essentially raised by other people. Certainly Emilia wouldn’t stand for being parted from someone she loved. At least Kasper hoped not.

“What is it?” Aasif asked. “You look so glum all of the sudden.”

“Nothing.” Kasper traced his finger over the edge of his desk. “Do you think we could make it work?” Kasper hesitated to complete his thought, strangely ashamed of his own fear and all the feelings attached with it. “Could you truly see me with an infant that would not laugh—or scream?”

“If Emilia Ward could tame you, then anything is possible. Besides,” Aasif said with a shrug, “if worst comes to worst, that girl has enough parent in her for the both of you.”

While most of his advice was unwise, Kasper took the time to think on what Aasif said. He was never the last to admit when he was afraid of something, and a fear of children, though irrational, was a very real one for Kasper. He had attempted to explain so much to Emilia, yet she had failed to understand. Kasper had sealed himself off from the world for a reason—the world did not want him. Emilia had only found him by pure accident. As grateful as he was, she was an adult—technically, anyway. It was entirely her decision as to whether or not she wanted to stay with him, and even though they legally belonged to one another, he frequently made it clear he would release her any time she wanted.

A child would not be so fortunate.

If they were to adopt and the child hated him, he or she would not be free of him, at least not until they were of age. And as thick as Kasper’s skin was, he knew it would hurt Emilia immensely to hear someone she loved call him hurtful things, look at him as the rest of the world did.

Didn’t she understand he was only trying to prevent her disappointment just as much as his own? Truth be told, he didn’t think he would terribly mind a child around the house. If he could evolve his lifestyle to that mangy mutt of hers, accepting it at his own, then why couldn’t he love any child Emilia loved?

In one instance, he did suppose she had a point. If they adopted the child young enough, it would know only them. Kasper had no doubt that with Emilia as a mother, the child in question would have a great chance at having a deeper spirit than every other American he had ever met—with one important exception. And he had promised to give her everything, hadn’t he? Didn’t that include motherhood?

He called her before he lost his nerve, determined to meet with her. Kasper would not let one more day pass with the coldness between them.

Unfortunately, she didn’t pick up on Kasper’s first attempt. This only increased his ambition, hanging up when her voice interacted with the voicemail and trying again until he heard her sweet voice for himself.

Her rush to answer the phone was obvious in her words. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” he replied sternly. Yet before he could get another word in edge-wise, Emilia cut him off.

“I can’t talk now, Kasper. I have an exam tomorrow.”

“I have to meet with you,” he demanded. “Tonight.”

She sighed audibly. “Didn’t you just hear me? I have an exam tomorrow. It’s why I can’t come down this weekend.”

“You cannot avoid me forever, Emilia.”

The Mozart she listened to in the background was shut off. “I resent that accusation. We just talked the other day.”

“For approximately eight seconds.” He sighed, deliberately trying to imitate her. “And of nothing of merit. If I do not meet with you tonight I will go mad.”

Pausing, and seeming to think of something important, Kasper gave her a moment to consider, tapping his fingers on his drafting table.

“I couldn’t possibly drive there and be back for my exam tomorrow,” she replied.

“I’ll come to you!” he offered. “I’ll just spend the night, leave in the morning—”

Her sigh interrupted him. “Um, how about this? I need a break and I’ve barely been out of this apartment in three days. Why don’t we pick a spot, a halfway meeting point?”

“Brilliant,” he said without sarcasm. “Name the place and I will be there.”

***

Kasper drove as carefully and quickly as he could—more for Emilia’s sake than his own. And despite bearing the bulk of the drive, he still arrived at their meeting place first. Stepping out of the BMW, he stared impatiently at his pocket watch. Was it at all possible that he had missed her? That she had come and gone without him seeing her?

He stepped out to the pavement, unsurprised to see the colorful chalk drawing some child had left behind. They had agreed to meet in the center of Albany in a field where a playground remained after years of mismanagement. On the day they had found this particular field they had been on their way to Ithaca and stopped to stretch their legs. It was here that Kasper had watched with a mixture of concern and amusement while Emilia played on the squeaking swings, her hair flying around her face and her eyes wrinkling with a soft smile.

That had been a good day—one of many. Kasper was somewhat confident she wouldn’t leave him, yet what if her biological clock was to take over and cause the temperature between them to change? Even when they did fight occasionally, it was over silly things like politics or the meaning of a piece of art, something that blew over after a session of kissing or the minute she smiled at him again. Kasper could hardly recall any of their fights being this serious, nor of this magnitude. Of course, it certainly would have been easier to make up if they could see each other more frequently. Kasper would be lying if he told himself he did not mind not having her opinion for all of his projects—both recreational and professional.

He sighed and checked his watch again. The school year had only just begun and Kasper missed her terribly. With any luck, the distraction of the surgeries would help disturb that to a certain extent.

Kasper put his mind off of it at the sound of Emilia pulling into the field. Instinctively, his eyes scanned the empty street for invaders or anyone who might have been watching, but saw no one. With that relief in mind, he rushed to greet her.

“I was beginning to think you would not come.”

Emilia slammed the door behind her. “You were more than insistent.”

“With good reason,” he sighed. “We need to talk.”

“I wanted to talk last week. All you did was put your foot down and play the stubborn card.”

“The stubborn card?” He chuckled. Admittedly, it was more out of nervousness than humor.

“You know entirely what I mean.” She scowled. “And don’t make fun of me.”

“If you are mad at me—”

“I’m not mad.” She sighed. “Not anymore, I guess. I suppose I’m just disappointed. I—” Kasper watched while the moonlight reflected in her eyes. “I feel like you married me under a false pretense. You knew I’d want to have a child eventually and you still—”

“I have never lied to you,” he whispered softly. “Not about anything so important. Not about anything I ever thought would be so important to you.” Kasper bawled up his fists and looked away, a new and terrifying thought overcoming him. What if she did not leave him for her biological clock but for something else? A lie she interpreted in their relationship? “Would you have withdrawn your consent to be my wife if you knew my position on the subject?”

“No,” she said hurriedly. “It isn’t that at all. I just…might have tricked you into signing adoption papers first.”

Kasper smiled faintly. If that was the only way she ever deceived him, he would have been more than happy to forgive her. And there was a gush of relief that filled him in the confirmation that she would stay with him, remaining his though they disagreed about such a serious issue. It was such an intense feeling that the muscles he didn’t even know he had clenched relaxed considerably, the pulsing headache between his eyes ebbing away almost instantly as he looked his wife up and down.

“You really do look beautiful when you are angry, my love. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so attractive.”

“Don’t flirt with me when I’m cross with you.” Emilia turned her back on him and sighed.

“If I take back my
no
and promise to think about this adoption thing some more, would that ease your mind?”

Kasper saw her look at him from the corner of her eye, smiling and failing to hide it. Emilia said nothing, but he could nearly see the gears in her head turning with thought.

“Very well then.” He sighed. “If you won’t answer me, then would you let me kiss you?”

She huffed, and crossed her arms over herself. “I’d prefer if you didn’t.”

Without warning, Kasper grabbed her by the back of her hips, holding her steadfast while she jumped with surprise. “I was only attempting to be a gentleman,” he said in a voice sultry enough to make her shiver. “I wasn’t
actually
asking.”

And before she could say anything, he slammed his lips to hers, tightening his grip on her hips when she tried to squirm away from him.

“Don’t!” She huffed as she managed to push him away, perhaps only because they were so equally out of breath. “I’m still mad at you.”

“I know that. Even if it is the first time you’ve admitted it.” She couldn’t stop him as Kasper took her to him again, laying feather-light kisses on her neck while finding a home for his hand in her hair. Continuing to protest, Emilia’s objections quickly turned to soft moans as he tried to discreetly work the buttons of her shirt single-handedly.

“No,” she whimpered, pushing his hands away. “I didn’t agree to meet you for this.”

“But you want it, don’t you, my dear? I bet I could slip my hand in your jeans right now…”