Adopting Jenny (6 page)

****

“Hey, Hannah, I'm home.”

I blinked awake at the sound of Hayley's voice. My eyes felt gritty and my nose chapped. It took me a second to remember why, but when I did, the tears welled up again. With great effort I pushed myself up on the couch. I pulled the crocheted afghan closer around myself, and started to sniffle as Hayley came in from the kitchen.

“Whoa, what's wrong?” Hayley asked as she settled onto the couch beside me.

“I…I…I broke up with Josh,” I said with a hiccup.

“What? You're joking, right? Why?”

I cried harder as Hayley wrapped her arms around me. “I just couldn't take it all anymore.”

“Take what?” Hayley smoothed hair back from my face.

Swiping the snot away from my nose with the back of my hand, I sat up, mildly disgusted with my own grossness. “I had a pregnancy scare.”

Hayley's eyebrows practically flew off her face. “You and Josh were…?”

“Yeah, only for a little while. A few months.” I jammed my fingers through the web of the blanket.

“Um, can I ask why?”

I glanced at her in confusion. Her question bothered me a little. “What do you mean, why?”

Hayley squeezed me one last time before leaning back on the hideous blue and purple zebra striped sofa Grandma had gifted us with when we moved into the apartment. “Nothing, really. I just figured that since you guys had waited this long, you were waiting for marriage or something. No offense, Hannah, really.”

That made me laugh. So typically Hayley. “None taken. I wish we had waited.”

“Why didn't you?” Hayley smoothed her shiny ponytail, and adjusted her hot pink tank top emblazoned with her sorority's letters. Why she was wearing a tank top in the middle of winter was beyond me.

I considered her question. The decision to have sex hadn't been a quick one. Josh and I had discussed it at length. Several of my friends had been shocked to discover that I was a virgin at twenty-one, which had been embarrassing. But none of those reasons really felt right.

“We were together for nearly five years. We just decided it was time. Everyone else was doing it.” The words sounded hollow and cliché even to my own ears.

Hayley bit her lip as she looked at me. I had seen the expression on her face one too many times. She was holding back, not wanting to offend me by whatever she was thinking.

“I know. I sound pathetic, but it's the truth. We just did it, and I guess I wasn't ready.” I picked at the fuzz on the blanket. My whole life I had been so strong, only doing things that made sense to me. I had loved that about myself. When other girls were bending to their boyfriends, I had an equal relationship with Josh. But then…somewhere along the way I started listening to what others thought I should be doing. Giving in to peer pressure seemed so stupid in hindsight, and yet…at the time it made me feel good to be included in so many conversations with the other girls in my classes.

“So why did you break up?”

A shuddery breath escaped my lungs. “I just need some time by myself to think things through. Make sure we're staying together for the right reasons.”

“Okay,” Hayley said. “Do you need anything? Let me know what I can do.”

I tried to give her a smile, but it wavered. “I'm fine.”

“No you're not,” Hayley said. “Hang on, I'll be right back.”

A minute later, the refrigerator opened, followed by the clinking of silverware. Hayley hopped back onto the sofa with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and two spoons.

She handed me a spoon and said, “Ice cream therapy.”

We dipped into the container, neither of us saying anything for a long time. My breathing slowed to normal with only the occasional hiccup. How could all of this have taken such a nasty turn? How did one stupid decision change everything so fast?

A few months ago I had been dreaming about marrying Josh after college, maybe moving to the city to find work in theater. Not on stage, but maybe something behind the scenes. I had no delusions that I would ever be a great actress, but working in the theater seemed to make so much sense.

I loved the energy of working on a performance, especially when everyone in the cast pooled their creativity. Shows took on a life of their own after just a few rehearsals, and being part of something bigger than myself always felt so right.

And Josh and I…we fit together perfectly. Ever since high school, he had been my everything, my best friend. After we started sleeping together, something shifted between us. Even now as I sat contemplating what had happened, I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. One day we were just Hannah and Josh, and the next we had crossed some invisible line, and had started taking our relationship for granted. Before, even when things got hot and heavy, when we pulled apart we each had our separate identities. After, I guess I felt like I lost myself in him, and not in a good way.

Insecurities I had never known existed started to surface. I worried constantly that he would leave me or cheat on me. After only a few times, I had turned into the kind of girl I despised. The clingy type that didn't feel complete without my boyfriend next to me. Josh reassured me that nothing had changed, that he loved me more than ever. He honestly had the patience of a saint. But even as the words he intended to soothe me drifted into my ears, they created a little ball of resentment deep inside my soul.

With a stab of the spoon into the ice cream, I realized that I resented Josh. He kept telling me that he loved me more than ever. How could that be true when all I could see was how everything around us, including us, had changed? Hayley arched an eyebrow at me as I looked up at her. Clearly not privy to my thoughts, I licked the spoon clean, suddenly glad to feel the sadness fading and that wonderfully righteous anger returning.

“Josh sucks,” I said.

Hayley frowned. “I don't want to say too much. I mean, it's not really my place anyway, but why? Just out of curiosity, you know.”

I tapped my spoon against the ice cream container. “He made me change. I wasn't ready for sex. Everything went downhill after we started doing it.”

“Did Josh pressure you?” Hayley's eyes grew wide.

Guilt crept in. “No. I told you, we just decided it was time. But still…” I dropped my gaze to the ice cream, unsure how to finish my thoughts.

Hayley was quiet for a long time. “Did you ever talk to Josh about how you were feeling?”

“No,” I admitted. Then a surge of anger swept over me, and I jammed the spoon down hard into the ice cream. With a quick shove, the afghan fell to the floor, and I jumped off the couch. “Whose side are you on anyway? You're my little sister. Have some loyalty.”

I spun around and marched to my room. Hayley followed me. She caught the door just before it slammed in her face. “Nice try, Han,” she said. “You can be as mad at me as you want, but the reality is that
you
just broke up with Josh. You made the decision. You have every right to be upset, but not with me. I'm not on anyone's side. I love you, so yeah, I want to make sure you're okay. But I know Josh pretty well now too, and I can't just take up arms against him.” She paused, leaning against the doorframe. “I think part of your problem is that this has nothing to do with Josh. This is all about you.”

My anger faltered. I hated how astute Hayley could be. She was my little sister for crying out loud. Still…the petty part of me made me toss my head back and glare at her. “Yeah? And what's the other part of my problem?”

Hayley gave me a sad smile. “You're still hopelessly in love with Josh,” she said as she closed my door. “And it scares you to death.”

****

The ringing of my cell phone woke me several hours later. My eyes felt caked shut with gunk, and I scrubbed a hand across them before answering.

“Were you sleeping?” Josh's voice warmed my ear, and for a moment, I sighed contentedly. Then I remembered what had happened earlier and every nerve in my body tensed.

“Do you remember when we used to talk ourselves to sleep?” Josh asked.

Memories of high school flooded my mind. Sweet nights spent whispering until one or both of us fell asleep. We had been in the throes of new love. Everything had been so simple, so sweet.

“I loved that,” I said.

“Me too.”

Silence followed. Then some rustling. I imagined Josh shifting the phone to his other ear. Despite all my harshness earlier, I felt comforted by his presence on the other end of the line. I could picture him leaning back on pillows propped against the wall. He probably had textbooks spread out around him. He loved to study in bed.

I pushed myself into a sitting position. “Josh, why are you calling?”

He sighed, the sound magnified by the phone pressed to my ear. “I call every night.”

The lump formed again in my throat and tears pricked the backs of my eyes. “Not anymore,” I said. “I can't do this.”

Josh fell silent again. Finally he said, “Are you sure, Han? I mean, really sure? Because I just don't think I can do it, not have you in my life, I mean.”

“I need some space,” I whispered. Space. I needed to find myself again, to sort out my priorities. Make sure Josh was what I wanted and not what I was just accustomed to.

“Space.” Josh's tone was flat. “I can give you space. Just don't push me away permanently.”

Swallowing hard, I said, “I can't promise you anything.”

“Just tell me you still love me,” Josh said. I could hear the hesitancy in his voice. I hated myself for causing him so much pain, but…I had to do this for me.

“I do. I do love you, Josh, but right now I need to find out who I am. Good night,” I said, hanging up.

My hand trembled as I laid the phone back on the nightstand. Tears flowed down my cheeks, and I did nothing to stop them, merely pressed my face into my pillow.

 

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