Adore (2 page)

Lil said tentatively, even humbly, ‘I'll see you soon, Alice.'

‘No you won't,' said Mary. She stood up, a child on either hand, the bundle of letters thrust into the pocket of her slacks. ‘No,' she said wildly, the emotion that had been poisoning her at last pulsing out. ‘No. No, you won't. Not ever. You will not ever see them again.'

She turned to go, pulling the children with her.

Her husband Tom said, ‘Wait a minute, Mary.'

‘No.' Off she went down the path, as fast as she could, stumbling and pulling the children along.

And now surely these four remaining, the women and their sons, should say something, elucidate, make things clear? Not a word. Pinched, diminished, darkened, they sat on, and then at last one spoke. It was Ian who spoke, direct to Roz, in a passionate intimacy, wild-eyed, his lips stiff and angry.

‘It's your fault,' he said. ‘Yes, it's your fault. I told you. It's all your fault this has happened.'

Roz met his anger with her own. She laughed. A hard
angry bitter laugh, peal after peal. ‘My fault,' she said. ‘Of course. Who else?' And she laughed. It would have done well on the stage, that laugh, but tears poured down her face.

Out of sight down the path, Mary had reached Hannah, the wife of Ian, who had been unable to face the guilty ones, at least not with Mary, whose rage she could not match. She had let Mary go up by herself and she waited here, full of doubt, misery and reproaches that were beginning to bubble up wanting to overflow. But not in anger, no, she needed explanations. She took Shirley from Mary, and the two young women, their children in their arms, stood together on the path, just outside a plumbago hedge that was the boundary for another café. They did not speak, but looked into each other's faces, Hannah seeking confirmation, which she got. ‘It's true, Hannah.'

And now, the laughter. Roz was laughing. The peals of hard laughter, triumphant laughter, was what Mary and Hannah heard, each harsh loud peal lashed them, they shrank away from the cruel sounds. They trembled as the whips of laughter fell.

‘Evil,' Mary pronounced at last, through lips that seemed to have become dough or clay. And as Roz's final yells of laughter reached them, the two young women burst into tears and went running away down the path, away from their husbands, and their husbands' mothers.

Two little girls arrived at the big school on the same day, at the same hour, took each other's measure, and became best friends. Little things, so bravely confronting that great school, as populous and busy as a supermarket, but filled with what they already knew were hierarchies of girls they felt as hostile, but here was an ally, and they stood holding hands, trembling with fear and their efforts to be brave. A great school, standing on its rise, surrounded by parkland in the English manner, but arched over by a most un-English sky, about to absorb these little things, babies really, their four parents thought – enough to bring tears to their eyes! – and they did.

They were doughty, quick with repartee, and soon lived down the bullying that greeted new girls; they stood up for each other, fought their own and each other's battles. ‘Like sisters,' people said, and even, ‘Like twins.' Fair, they were, with their neat gleaming ponytails, both of them, and blue-eyed, and as quick as fishes, but really, if you looked, not so alike. Liliane – or Lil – was thin, with a hard little body, her features delicate, and Rozeanne – Roz – was sturdier, and where Lil regarded the world with a pure severe gaze, Roz found jokes in everything. But it is nice to think, and say, ‘like sisters', ‘they might be twins'; it is agreeable to find resemblances where perhaps none are, and so it went on, through the school terms and the years, two girls, inseparable, which was nice for their families, living in the same street, with parents who had become friends because of them, as so often happens,
knowing they were lucky in their girls choosing each other and making lives easy for everyone.

But these lives were easy. Not many people in the world have lives so pleasant, unproblematical, unreflecting: no one on these blessed coasts lay awake and wept for their sins, or for money, let alone for food. What a good-looking lot, smooth and shiny with sun, with sport, with good food. Few people anywhere know of coasts like these, except perhaps for brief holidays, or in travellers' tales like dreams. Sun and sea, sea and sun, and always the sound of waves on beaches.

It was a blue world the little girls grew up in. At the end of every street was the sea, as blue as their eyes – as they were told often enough. Over their heads the blue sky was so seldom louring or grey that such days were enjoyable for their rarity. A rare harsh wind brought the pleasant sting of salt and the air was always salty. The little girls would lick the salt from their own hands and arms and from each other's too, in a game they called, ‘Playing puppies'. Bedtime baths were always salty so that they had to shower off the bath water with water coming from deep in the earth and tasting of minerals, not salt. When Roz stayed over at Lil's house, or Lil at Roz's, the parents would stand smiling down at the two pretty imps cuddled together like kittens or puppies, smelling now they were asleep not of salt but of soap. And always, throughout their childhoods, day and night, the sound of the sea, the gentle tamed waves of Baxter's sea, a hushing and a lulling
, like breathing.

Sisters, or, for that matter, twins, even best friends, suffer passionate rivalries, often concealed, even from each other. But Roz knew how Lil grieved when her breasts – Roz's – popped forth a good year before Lil's, not to mention other evidences of growing up, and she was generous in assurances and comfort, knowing that her own deep envy of her friend was not going to be cured by time. She wished that her own body could be as hard and thin as Lil's, who wore her clothes with such style and ease, whereas she was already being called – by the unkind – plump. She had to be careful what she ate, whereas Lil could eat what she liked.

So there they were, quite soon, teenagers, Lil the athlete, excelling in every sport, and Roz in the school plays, with big parts, making people laugh, extrovert, large, vital, loud: they complemented each other as once they had been as like as two peas: ‘You can hardly tell them apart.'

They both went to university, Lil because of the sport, Roz because of the theatre group, and they remained best friends, sharing news about their conquests, and making light of their rivalries, but their closeness was such that although they starred in such different arenas, their names were always coupled. Neither went in for the great excluding passions, broken hearts, jealousies.

And now that was it, university done with, here was the grown-up world, and this was a culture where girls married young. ‘Twenty and still not married!'

Roz began dating Harold Struthers, an academic, and a bit of a poet, too; and Lil met Theo Western, who owned a sports equipment and clothes shop. Rather, shops. He was well off. The men got on – the women were careful that they did, and there was a double wedding.

So far so good.

Those shrimps, the silverfish, the minnows, were now wonderful young women, one in a wedding dress like an arum lily (Liliane) and Roz's like a silver rose. So judged the main fashion page of the big paper.

They lived in two houses in a street running down to the sea, not far from the outspit of land that held Baxter's, unfashionable but artistic, and, by that law that says if you want to know if an area is going up, then look to see if those early swallows, the artists, are moving in, it would not be unfashionable for long. They were on opposite sides of the street.

Lil was a swimming champion known over the whole continent and abroad too, and Roz not only acted and sang, but was putting on plays and began devising shows and spectacles. Both were very busy. Despite all this Liliane and Theo Western announced the birth of Ian, and Rozeanne and Harold Struthers followed within a week with Thomas.

Two little boys, fair-haired and delightful, and people said they could be brothers. In fact Tom was a solid little boy easily embarrassed by the exuberances of his mother, and Ian was fine drawn and nervy and ‘difficult' in ways
Tom never was. He did not sleep well, and sometimes had nightmares.

The two families spent weekends and holidays together, one big happy family, as Roz sang, defining the situation, and the two men might go off on trips into the mountains or to fish, or backpacking. Boys will be boys, as Roz said.

All this went on, and anything that was not what it should be was kept well out of sight. ‘If it ain't broke, don't fix it,' Roz might say. She was concerned for Lil, for reasons that will emerge, but not for herself. Lil might have her problems, but not she, not she and Harold and Tom. Everything was going along fine.

And then this happened.

The scene: the connubial bedroom, when the boys were about ten. Roz lay sprawling on the bed, Harold sat on the arm of a chair, looking at his wife, smiling, but determined. He had just said he had been offered a professorship, in a university in another state.

Roz said, ‘Well, I suppose you can come down for weekends or we can come up.'

This was so like her, the dismissal of a threat – surely? – to their marriage, that he gave a short, not unaffectionate laugh, and after a pause said, ‘I want you and Tom to come too.'

‘Move from
here
?' And Roz sat up shaking her fair and now curly head so that she could see him clearly. ‘
Move
?'

‘Why don't you just say it? Move from Lil, that's the
point, isn't it?'

Roz clasped her hands together on her upper chest, all theatrical consternation. But she was genuinely astounded, indignant.

‘What are you suggesting?'

‘I'm not suggesting. I'm saying. Strange as it may seem . . .' – This phrase usually signals strife – ‘I'd like a wife. A real one.'

‘You're mad.'

‘No. I want you to watch something.' He produced a canister of film. ‘Please, Roz. I mean it. I want you to come next door and watch this.'

Up got Roz, off the bed, all humorous protest.

She was all but nude. With a deep sigh, aimed at the gods, or some impartial viewer, she put on a pink feathered negligee, salvaged from a play's wardrobe: she had felt it was so
her
.

She sat in the next room, opposite a bit of white wall kept clear of clutter. ‘And now what are you up to, I wonder?' she said, amiably. ‘You big booby, Harold.
Really
, I mean, I ask you!'

Harold began running the film – home movies. It was of the four of them, two husbands, the two women. They had been on the beach, and wore wraps over bikinis. The men were still in their swimming trunks. Roz and Lil sat on the sofa, this sofa, where Roz now was, and the men were in hard upright chairs, sitting forward to watch. The women were talking. What about? Did it matter? They were
watching each other's faces, coming in quickly to make a point. The men kept trying to intervene, join in, the women literally did not hear them. Harold, then Theo, was annoyed, and they raised their voices, but the women still did not hear, and when at last the men shouted, insisting, Roz put out a hand to stop them.

Roz remembered the discussion, just. It was not important. The boys were to go to a friend's for a weekend camp. The parents were discussing it, that was all. In fact the mothers were discussing it, the fathers might just as well not have been there.

The men had been silenced, sat watching and even exchanged looks. Harold was annoyed, but Theo's demeanour said only, ‘
Women, what do you expect?
'

And then, that subject disposed of – the boys – Roz said, ‘I simply must tell you . . .' and leaned forward to tell Lil, dropping her voice, not knowing she did this, telling her something, nothing important.

The husbands sat and watched, Harold all alert irony, Theo bored.

It went on. The tape ran out.

‘Do you mean to say you actually filmed that – to trap me? You set it up, to get at me!'

‘No, don't you remember? I had made a film of the boys on the beach. Then you took the camera and filmed me and Theo. And then Theo said, “How about the girls?”'

‘Oh,' said Roz.

‘Yes. It was only when I played it back later – yesterday, in fact, that I saw . . . Not that I was surprised. That's how it always is. It's you and Lil. Always.'

‘What are you suggesting? Are you saying we're lezzies?'

‘No. I'm not. And what difference would it make if you were?'

‘I simply don't get it.'

‘Obviously sex doesn't matter that much. We have, I think, more than adequate sex, but it's not me you have the relationship with.'

Roz sat, all twisted with emotion, wringing her hands, the tears ready to start.

‘And so I want you to come with me up north.'

‘You must be mad.'

‘Oh, I know you won't, but you could at least pretend to think about it.'

‘Are you suggesting we divorce?'

‘I wasn't, actually. If I found a woman who put me first then . . .'

‘You'd let me know!' she said, all tears at last.

‘Oh, Roz,' said her husband. ‘Don't think I'm not sorry. I'm fond of you, you know that. I'll miss you like crazy. You're my pal. And you're the best lay I'm ever likely to have and I know that too. But I feel like a sort of shadow here. I don't matter. That's all.'

And now it was his turn to blink away tears and then put his hands up to his eyes. He went back to the bedroom, lay
down on the bed, and she joined him. They comforted each other. ‘You're mad, Harold, do you know that? I love you.' ‘And I love you too Roz, don't think that I don't.'

Then Roz asked Lil to come over, and the two women watched the film, without speaking, to its end.

‘And that's why Harold is leaving me,' said Roz, who had told Lil the outlines of the situation.