Adversity (4 page)

He hadn’t
hit hard enough to leave a mark, but lately his frustration seemed
to boil over for more trivial reasons than usual. She knew she
provoked him, but she was as tired of him as he was of her. She
almost wished he would sell her off already, and be done with it,
so she would never have to see his face again.

Amelia

I sat on
a swing at the back of my house, a wolfhound at my feet, and
replayed my memories and not the ones stemming from that day in the
woods, for once. I was tired of remembering the pack of werewolves
that had come for me but had taken my grandmother’s life instead.
This time, I let memories of my dreams fill my mind with vivid
imagery and intensely realistic sensations. I had felt the sun warm
my skin, the sweat trickle down my back, and the blisters burst on
the soles of my feet. I had smelled food and felt hunger and
weariness, and had almost suffocated in the anger and resentment
and pity of the people around me.

But those
memories weren’t the strangest ones.

That
morning I was awakened by the sting of a sharp slap on my cheek. My
blood boiled in my veins, and within minutes of waking, the
headache had returned. My head hurt so much that I thought it might
split open. But the slap? How strange was that—to physically feel,
in real time, the slap which had happened in my dream?

Nathan
distracted me before I could dwell on it any further. I knew he was
trying something to make me feel better, perhaps, but his efforts
seemed false to me, as if they were only an afterthought. I
resisted the temptation to ask him if Perdita was busy and if that
was why he had time for me. That would be mean. But I wanted to be
mean sometimes, to force my remaining family to remember
me.

When he
told me that he and Byron were planning a hunt, I nodded because I
really wanted him to go away so I could think some more about
Kali’s world.

“
Want to read my fortune?” he asked.

Kali’s
frustration, and her real power, was too fresh in my head. I was a
pretender in comparison. I knew I would never be able to read the
cards again.

He
persisted in trying to discover the source of my distraction, so I
made up a story about wanting to organise our grandmother’s
memorial myself. As if. Although, I did feel strange that my uncle
was paying someone to deal with it all and paying for problems to
go away. I didn’t think that was going to work with most of our
problems; we couldn’t pay the werewolves that hunted us to leave us
alone. We still weren’t sure what they wanted, but I was almost
certain it wasn’t money.

In all
honesty, I hadn’t thought about the memorial as much as I should
have. The dreams had distracted me from everything, and maybe that
was the point of them.

Still,
when Nathan suggested visiting our grandmother’s grave, I jumped at
the chance. Why hadn’t I thought of doing that? The dreams seemed
to protect me from the real pain. I believed in the impossible, and
perhaps my grandmother’s spirit was lingering, waiting for the
chance to say goodbye to me properly.

“
I like that,” I said. “We could bring Perdita,” I added as an
afterthought.

He
hesitated, his insecurities revealed in the fleeting fear that
darted across his face. He didn’t know how to deal with her
anymore, and he was afraid to push it.

“
I’m not sure she would be into that. Not after
everything.”

A chasm
between us filled with unspoken words.

“
She’ll be okay, Nathan. I mean, it’s Perdita.” I needed him to
understand that she was strong enough to get through it, and that
eventually she would get over the fact she’d murdered a killer
werewolf to save my grandfather. Nathan didn’t seem so sure. I left
the subject alone. “Well, if it’s only us, let’s go right
now.”

He made a
couple of lame excuses, but I ignored his predictable hesitation
and refused to let him take back the offer. I ran off to my room
before he could really come up with a good excuse.

I needed
to find an important symbol that I could leave at Mémère’s grave,
something that would let her know I hadn’t forgotten her. My
bracelet twisted on my wrist, and I remembered she hadn’t been
buried with its match. My piece was a replica of hers, the one my
grandfather had given her a long time ago. If he didn’t bury it
with her, he sure as hell had forgotten about it, so I moved to
their room to find it.

Slipping
inside the room made me panic. Oppressive, stifling heat and a
cloying smell stuck to me almost immediately. I felt as though no
air had come into the room since her death, as though the room had
closed itself off from the rest of the world.

I moved
to her dresser slowly, suddenly timid. I felt as though there was
someone behind me the entire time, and although it didn’t scare me,
it unnerved me a whole lot. I opened Mémère’s jewellery box and
rummaged until I found what I was looking for. Lifting the bracelet
with care, I slipped it onto my other wrist for
safekeeping.

There had
to be something else I could bring. Of course. Her tarot cards.
They were the one thing she had refused to give up for my
grandfather. She had many packs scattered around her room for
reasons known only to her, but there was one pack at the top of her
wardrobe, a special set that she rarely used. I stretched to reach
the top of the wardrobe, but my fingers touched wood, instead of
the cards I was expecting. Puzzled, I pulled her dresser stool over
to the wardrobe and stood on it to see properly.

The cards
were there, sitting right on top of a wooden board. I pulled the
board closer to me, but the stool wobbled. I fell, pulling the
board after me, and I landed heavily on the floor, gasping as the
board, followed by the cards, landed right on my
stomach.

“
Damn it,” I hissed, feeling winded. I picked up the board with
every intention of pushing it back up on top of the wardrobe, but
as I touched it, a shudder ran through me, and I gazed at the board
in surprise.

The
object was a spirit board… interesting.

I picked
up the cards, stood, and shoved them in my pocket, but for some
reason, I couldn’t put back the board. Hearing Nathan call my name,
I made my decision and ran back to my room to hide the board under
the bed. I didn’t feel right about leaving it on top of a wardrobe
to gather dust.

We walked
to the graveyard together, making the most of the good
weather.

“
Still feeling ill?” Nathan asked, disturbing my
thoughts.

“
I’m okay. You know me, always coming down with something.” I
tried to laugh, but my effort was weak, and we both knew it. He
glanced at me, and I recognised the look. He had absolutely no idea
what to do with me, either, so I made small talk to ease his mind.
All the while I thought about that spirit board.

By the
time we got to the grave, I was ready to spill my guts. I could
tell Nathan was feeling awkward. He had never been comfortable
around death, or the idea there might be something after, and even
now, he fidgeted as though his clothes were full of ants. I dug a
neat little space in the earth in which to leave the cards and the
bracelet. I felt better when I covered them with dirt. Being at her
grave felt important, and I thought something important would
happen if I spoke to her there. I wanted to wind back the guilt, to
cut the rope that bound it to me, and throw it away for
good.

Nathan
made a face when he saw me digging the little hole. Maybe he
thought I was desecrating her grave, but I defended my right to
leave something with her. I felt relief when he finally stopped
hovering and let me get on with my ceremony of sorts.

“
Mémère, I miss you so much. I need you now. You’ve no idea how
much. Everything’s gone wrong without you. Opa’s gone. He left.
Just like that. I don’t… I don’t understand what’s happening
anymore. Nathan’s told me so many things that I didn’t know. Things
I should have known that you and Opa should have told me. Why
didn’t you tell me anything? Why did you hide so much from me? How
did you think that would make
me
feel? I wish I could talk to you and understand,
but I can’t. It’s as if… it’s as if you’re all strangers to me now,
as if I don’t know any of you. And I feel so ill; I don’t know why.
The headaches are so bad, and the dreams… I don’t get any rest at
night because I’m so busy in the dream world.”

As I
spoke, a breeze blew over me, cooling my hot cheeks. I hadn’t meant
to sound so accusing, but apart from the grief, I was so angry I
could spit. I wanted to tear things apart with my hands, to see
things shatter and break before me. They should have warned me of
the danger I was in. If only they had told me everything. If only I
had known what to expect, maybe I wouldn’t have fallen apart and
been so bloody useless when the werewolves finally came for me. The
grief was bad, but the rage… the rage was so much worse.

Sitting
there telling her how I felt, I let everything that had been
bubbling inside me release itself into the world. The relief felt
good, as if weights floated off my shoulders. I still didn’t
understand, but my head felt clear for the first time in weeks. Opa
wasn’t here anymore. Nathan and Byron weren’t exactly wells of
information, but maybe I could talk to her—to Mémère—through the
spirit board. Maybe my pulling it down had been a sign that Mémère
wanted me to contact her. It was worth trying. I had to believe
that.

“
Your turn,” I called out to Nathan. He took a deep breath
before approaching her grave, and I knew he was nervous.

“
Do you think you could give me a minute? Alone, I
mean.”

I didn’t
mind, so I wandered off.

“
Stay where I can see you,” he shouted after me, sounding way
too much like the mother of a little kid. Idiot.

I
strolled around the graveyard, freakishly interested in the graves.
I had a hard time remembering a body lay in a grave under the earth
when the surface was suffocating in butterflies or pink glitter
ornaments. Some headstones were piled up with flowers and plaques
and still living memories, so it made me sad to see the deserted
ones. The ones that were dirty and overgrown had been obviously
forgotten.

On the
edge of the cemetery were a batch of incredibly old graves, and
they got me thinking about Kali. If she had been real, then her
grave would be out there, old, ruined, and forgotten somewhere in
the world. I didn’t want that for Mémère.

I stared
at those cracked headstones until Nathan found me.

“
You ready?”

I wasn’t
ready. Not for goodbyes. Not to walk away.

“
I feel bad for these ones. There’s nobody left to miss them.
Think it makes a difference?”

“
What do you mean?”

“
It’s just… do you think Mémère is still around?”

“
Not really, Ammy.”

His use
of my childhood nickname made me smile, and reminded me of the old
days before Nathan became consumed with the idea of the old gypsy
curse that would afflict his and his soul mate’s lives. “You
haven’t called me that since we were little.”

I
couldn’t bear to look away from the graves. I didn’t want to let
Mémère go. Not her memory. Not her presence. I wasn’t ready to be
on my own. If using the spirit board would keep her with me a
little longer then it seemed like the right thing to do.

“
What if they knew nobody was here to mourn them anymore? What
if there was nothing holding them here? Maybe if we keep missing
her, she’ll stay with us longer.”

Nathan
literally squirmed on the spot. “Why would you want her to? What if
there’s something better for her than seeing us right
now?”

I scowled
at him, unable to understand. She loved us. Of course she would
want to see us. To stay with us. She would never willingly leave
us.

“
What could be better than family?” I asked.

“
Do you really think she’d want to see Opa like this? Do you
think she’d be happy to see the family all… distant like this? This
isn’t her family. Not the way we are right now. She’d hate to see
this. But as long as we remember her, we keep her with us in a
different way. Do you understand?”

I hated
when he was right. No. She wouldn’t enjoy watching her family drift
apart. “What do we do now? There’s nobody to take care of us
anymore. Byron doesn’t exactly love being around us, and I’m
starting to think Opa’s never coming back.”

“
Opa’s just… grieving in his own way. He’ll come back. Besides,
we’re old enough to look after ourselves. And I’m not leaving you;
don’t worry. We’ll have to wait for the oldies to get over
themselves and come back into the real world. That’s
all.”

He was
pretty cool when he actually paid attention to me, and maybe he was
right. We had to take care of each other and wait for everything
else to get back to normal.

We
actually had fun on the way home, and by the time we got there, I
had laughed so much that my cheeks ached. Maybe it was better to
leave the spirit board alone, after all.