Affair of Honor (16 page)

For a few minutes she simply watched, ignoring the sizzling griddle as Ryder demonstrated shooting techniques to the younger man. Craig appeared fascinated and picked up the basics quickly. Even as she stared at the two men, Brenna slowly acknowledged that Craig and Ryder had a lot in common. There was a self-reliant masculine assurance and determination in both of them that would always set its own standards. They were the kind of men who lived by their own codes and for whom honor and integrity would always be crucial. The kind of men a woman could trust to the ends of the earth even when she became thoroughly annoyed or outraged by the host of macho characteristics that went along with their honor and integrity. Brenna turned away from the window and sat down to eat her pancakes.

It was Craig who came back to the cabin an hour or so later, alone. He looked concerned but very determined. Brenna glanced up from the essay on the dualism of mind and matter that she was attempting to read and smiled. The expression was a bit misty, perhaps even wistful, but it was a genuine smile and Craig relaxed visibly. His mouth lifted in response, and for a moment brother and sister stared at each other in understanding. Then Craig came forward and slipped into the chair across from Brenna.

“It’s going to be okay, Brenna, Ryder’s going to look after you for me,” he said gently.

Brenna, who hadn’t been thinking along those lines at all, blinked in astonishment. “What on earth are you talking about, Craig?”

He shrugged, sensing her sudden wariness. “Ryder and I had a long talk and he let me know how things stand between the two of you. He’s going to take care of you. I won’t have to worry about your marrying some turkey like that Fielding character.”

Some of the wistful, sisterly gentleness faded from Brenna’s startled eyes. “Craig, I don’t know exactly what Ryder told you about our relationship, but I can assure you it is only temporary at best. Furthermore, it’s not important at the moment. You’re the one who is embarking on a new adventure and I…I want you to know that if this is what you really want to do, I’m behind you a hundred percent.”

He leaned forward and hugged her affectionately. “Thanks, Brenna. I know what it must have taken for you to come to that conclusion. I know how important the academic world has been to you, and it was only natural you’d feel more comfortable putting me in that world, too. But it’s not for me.”

“I think I’ve sensed that for the past couple of years. The problem has been that it was the only world I knew, the only one I could guide you toward,” she sighed.

“A man has to find out for himself where he belongs,” Craig announced very solemnly. “It’s time I went out and started looking.”

———

They spent the rest of the day together, talking quietly, sharing the closeness of being a brother and sister who had been alone together in the world for a long time. Ryder discreetly disappeared into his own cabin and didn’t reappear until Craig went over to invite him for dinner.

Brenna glanced up from the stuffed mushrooms she was removing from the oven and met his calm, inquiring gaze as he walked in the door behind Craig. Wordlessly he was asking her if she had accepted her brother’s decision.

The answer to that one, she found, was easy. “Hello, Ryder. Have a seat. Craig has picked up a few interesting skills this past year. He mixes a terrific margarita. If he got that much out of Berkeley, there’s no telling what he’ll pick up on a freighter in the South Seas!” She laughed, sliding the hot pan of mushrooms quickly onto the top of the stove.

“A margarita sounds great, Craig.” Ryder settled into one of the chairs in front of the hearth as Brenna carried in the plate of stuffed mushrooms. Craig headed for the kitchen with a grin and Brenna was left to face the second question in Ryder’s eyes alone. The answer to that one, however, was not so easy. He must have known that Craig had told his sister of Ryder’s decision to “take care of her.” The silver gaze was asking her point-blank if she had accepted that decision, too.

“You have, I understand, been attempting to reassure my brother that I’ll be all right in his absence,” she began dryly, taking the bull by the horns as she sat down across from him.

“He was worried about you,” Ryder said simply, reaching for one of the hors d’oeuvres. If he sensed the challenge in her words, he chose to ignore it. He bit into the mushroom. “These are great. Do you realize this is the first meal you’ve finally gotten around to preparing for me?”

“Ryder, Craig seems to have a slight misconception about our relationship,” Brenna pursued firmly.

“No, he doesn’t.” Ryder was glancing past her shoulder to where Craig was coming toward them with a pitcher of margaritas and three salt-rimmed glasses. He grinned appreciatively at the younger man. “I’m glad to see there are still benefits to be derived from a university education.”

After that there really was no opportunity to confront Ryder again. Craig was leaving to return to Berkeley in the morning, and Brenna was suddenly anxious not to cause a scene. Somehow it had become very important that the three of them enjoy this evening together. The other crises in her life could wait.

She let Craig and Ryder do most of the talking that evening, listening quietly as they discussed Craig’s new venture and Ryder told a few anecdotes about some of his own travels. Ryder did not, Brenna noticed, bring up any incidents such as the assault on the prison that had freed the Gardners’ son. For that she was grateful. Craig’s future promised to be adventuresome enough without actively encouraging him into any more dangerous directions.

It wasn’t until Ryder finally rose to walk back to his own cabin that Brenna finally acknowledged the evening had aroused a new kind of wistfulness in her. The talk had been of adventure and travel and personal discovery. It left her with a strange feeling of restlessness.

Ryder kissed her good night before he left, making no effort to conceal the extent of their relationship in front of Craig. She was the one who pulled back in confusion and embarrassment. But Craig only smiled, appearing satisfied with the situation as he chose to interpret it.

———

In spite of all her fine resolutions and understanding, there were tears in Brenna’s eyes the next morning as she stood with Ryder’s arm around her waist, waving goodbye to Craig, who was backing his car out of the drive.

“It’s not as if he’s going off to war,” Ryder teased sardonically as Craig’s car disappeared from sight. “And you’ll be seeing him again before he ships out on the freighter, anyway.”

“I know.” Brenna dashed the dampness away from her eyes with a fierce brush of her hand. She stepped out of the circle of Ryder’s arm.

“He’ll be all right, Brenna. He’s not an immature boy, he’s a man.”

“I know.” Brenna started back toward her cabin, not looking at Ryder. The strange restlessness was eating at her. Her emotions seemed to be confusingly scrambled this morning. The traumatic events of the past week were taking their toll. She was aware that Ryder was pacing along beside her, frowning.

“Are you angry at me for sanctioning his decision to go?” he finally demanded softly.

Brenna said nothing. She wasn’t sure how she felt just then. She couldn’t define her emotions toward Ryder at that moment.

“He would have gone anyway, you know. There was no one who could have stopped him.” She sensed Ryder’s laconic smile. “He’s got his sister’s will and determination, I’m afraid.”

Brenna bit her lip and still said nothing. She was filled now with a tension that threatened to force an outlet for itself. It angered her because she could not deal with the emotion until she understood it, and it seemed totally incomprehensible.

“Are you upset because I told Craig not to worry about you? That I would take care of you?”

Brenna shrugged, unable to speak. She needed time to herself, she thought. Time to come to terms with this strange, uncoiling tension. She started to push open me door to her cabin and behind her Ryder finally lost his patience.

“Damn it, Brenna! Talk to me! Don’t just walk away from this!”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she gasped furiously as he clamped a large hand on her shoulder and whirled her around to face him.

“I’m trying to figure out what’s gotten into you. I thought you’d come to grips with Craig’s decision to leave!” He clamped the other hand on her shoulder and held her in front of him with a grip of iron. The brackets at the edges of his mouth were tight with impatience and the silver eyes were narrowed with it.

“I have come to grips with it!” she flung back, the tension in her crashing toward the surface. “No, I’m not upset with you for sanctioning his decision, either. What else could I have expected from you? You’re two of a kind, you and Craig. It was perfectly natural that you’d understand him immediately!”

“Then you must be angry about the way I told him not to worry about you!” He punctuated his words by giving her a small shake.

“Maybe,” she hissed, trying unsuccessfully to free herself from his hold. “Maybe I am a little upset about the way you handled that! You certainly didn’t have any right to imply the sort of relationship you did!”

“The hell I didn’t,” he ground out far too gently. “Brenna, you’re my woman now and I’ll take care of you. It’s as simple as that.”

“Nothing is as simple as that!” she blazed, the gold of her eyes flaming as she faced him.

“Is that issue the real problem this morning?” He searched her face coolly. “You want a knockdown, drag-out fight over the matter of my claim on you?”

“No, damn it! I don’t want a battle over it. That would be admitting your ‘claim’ exists in the first place!”

“It does.”

“It can’t exist unless I accept it!” she stormed. “But believe it or not, that’s not the reason I’m upset this morning!”

“So tell me the reason,” he ordered softly, implacably.

“It’s none of your business!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he drawled quietly. “Of course it’s my business. Everything about you is my business. Talk, woman. What’s driving you this morning? Why are you tense and nervous and spoiling for a fight?”

“You don’t think I’ve had enough cause for an emotional outburst of some magnitude?” she snapped furiously. “It’s been a rough summer so far and my vacation’s hardly begun!”

“You’ve had cause, but you were handling things fairly well. What happened this morning?”

“I don’t know,” she almost wailed. “It’s too hard to explain and I really don’t want to talk about it. Not with anyone!”

“You’re going to talk about it with me.”

“This may be a little tough for you to comprehend, Ryder Sterne, but you do not have the right to dictate to me like that!”

“Brenna, so help me, if you don’t stop raving and tell me what the hell is wrong, I’m going to lose my temper,” he stated flatly.

“Is that supposed to throw me into abject terror?”

“It might,” he murmured. It struck her that the louder she got the quieter he was getting. It was alarming.

“That’s a poor threat, Ryder. We all know you don’t lose your temper. You’re cool and calm and
professional
under fire, remember?”

“You really are looking for some method of venting your frustration, aren’t you? You’re even trying to provoke me so you’ll have some reason to lash back. That’s a dangerous game, lady. Much safer just to talk out the situation, believe me.”

“I thought you favored the use of violence as a means of settling problems!”

“Only under certain circumstances,” he drawled. “I don’t think this is one of those circumstances. Yet. Now talk, Brenna.”

“I can’t even explain it to myself, let alone someone else,” she whispered tersely. “Let me go, Ryder. I need to think.”

There was a pause but he didn’t release her. For a few seconds he stared down into her simmering gaze and then he asked very coolly. “Are you by any chance jealous?”

“Jealous!
Jealous
!” she ripped out, stunned. “Of what, for God’s sake! Are you hiding a model from one of your book covers somewhere nearby? Don’t be absurd, Ryder! Of course I’m not jealous.”

“Not of another woman. Of Craig.”

The simple explanation hit home with an impact that took Brenna’s breath. Her eyes went very wide with anguished denial and her body went rigid in his grasp. “Of Craig!” she repeated in a whisper.

“Of the fact that he’s stepping out of the academic world and going off to indulge his natural streak of recklessness and taste for adventure. Do you see him having the courage to make the move and wish you had that courage, too?”

“No! No, that’s not it at all! It can’t be!”

“Why not? It makes sense to me, lady. There’s no denying the intellectual side of your nature. Indeed, you’ve honed that aspect of yourself very nicely, given it every opportunity to express itself. But there’s another side of you, isn’t there, Brenna? A side you’ve always treated with disdain and kept repressed because you’re afraid it will conflict with the lifestyle you admire most, the academic world.”

Helplessly she looked up at him. It was the truth. She knew it and she didn’t want to face it. Fear was the emotion that roiled within her now.

“That’s why you’re wary of me and my claim on you, isn’t it?” he pursued steadily as he worked the implications through in his mind. “Giving yourself to me is a risk because I represent another kind of life, something far different from the one you’ve been trained to admire. Well, it’s true, I’m not part of your college faculty world and I never will be, but you’ve already taken the risk, sweet lady. It’s too late to change your mind. Find the courage to face our relationship the same way you found the courage to face Craig’s decision and the way you’ll find the courage to handle the crisis in your career!”

“Ryder, you don’t know what you’re saying!”

“Yes, I do. It’s not a crisis in your career or with your brother’s future that you’re really facing this summer. You’re having to make a very fundamental decision about what you want out of life.”

“I know what I want out of life!”

“Yes,” he surprised her by agreeing, “I think you do know what you want. The question is, are you going to have the guts to acknowledge that fact? How long will it take you to accept that for you there must be something more in life than the climb up the academic ladder and relationships with men like Damon Fielding who don’t know what it means to want and need a woman the way I want and need you? Craig found the courage to strike out on his own and go after what he wants in life. How about you, Brenna? Will you find the same courage or will you scurry back to your ivory tower and force me to come drag you out of it?”