Affliction (Finding Solace) (7 page)

Sitting there with her was euphoric in a sense. My beautiful
Sadie, was here with me, right where she should be. We talked, laughed and
everything was feeling so right in the world that the next thing I knew, I was
kissing her with everything I had in me. She felt just the way I remembered.
The kiss led to her hands sliding over my hard on. She moaned which practically
had me ready to explode and then...... "Stop, Colt, Stop". I heard
her but I couldn't lose what I was feeling. She was mine and I needed more from
her, like I needed my next breath. Until, "STOP!" came from her and
it jolted me from my version of heaven.

One second she was with me, the next she was running out
of the bar. I ran after her, but she was determined to not be caught. She
pealed out in the parking lot and immediately I was scared to death. What
happened? And now she was driving away. I had to talk her out of her panic. She
was right there with me and I knew she felt what I did.

I called her but she didn't answer. I continued to call
and call, I got nothing. Eventually I sent her a text telling her how sorry I
was, how I loved her with all of my heart. That if she would just hear me out,
I knew we could get through this. We had gotten through so much already. How
her kiss brought me to my knees and just how much I wanted her to come live
with me. I promised to never let her go again.

I know I put it all out there on a text message, which
was pathetic. But she never gave me the chance to tell her myself. I tried
calling her again after I sent it, but when she refused to answer I gave up. I
sat in my car for nearly an hour, wondering what the hell I had done to my
life. I asked myself, should I go to her house or just go back to Mike's and
wait to hear from her. In the end I did both. She wasn't home and I know that
because I waited outside her place for another hour and a half. Eventually I
got tired and headed back to Mike's house.

When I walked in he was still awake which surprised me.
He asked me how it went and I just lost my shit. I spilled everything that
happened. I didn’t even care that I looked like a pussy to him. I was so
screwed up inside and I didn't have my best friend to help me pick up the
pieces because she was the reason this time. Add to it, she wasn't speaking to
me. Mike helped me understand that she was happy with whatever his name is.
Yeah I know, its Ash. I just hate saying it. He wasn't trying to be a asshole,
he just wanted me to see that messing with her head, if I wasn't serious about
following through, would be the biggest dickhead move ever. I understood what
he was saying. I loved her, more than anything, but maybe giving her some space
to figure out what she wanted on her own was best. She knew how I felt now and
it was up to her to make up her mind.

Chapter 14

I didn't try to contact her at all the next day. I drove
home miserable that she hadn't tried either. It wasn’t until the following day
that I got my heart out of my chest. I will never forget answering that call
from Mike. Sadie had been in a car accident and was seriously hurt. She hadn't
woken up yet and it had been two days. Two Days! That meant it happened that
night.

I ran out of my house without even closing the door
behind me. My car couldn’t go fast enough. It felt like years had passed before
I was pulling up to the hospital. I have never in my life been so scared. I ran
in through the doors, begging the woman working the information desk for a room
number. After ten minutes of her taking her time I was waiting for the
elevator. I felt something hit my cheek and only then did I realize I was
crying. I tried wiping away each one that fell but I couldn't keep up. I heard
the sound of the elevator doors opening but I didn't move. A little lady
grabbed my arm and led me in.

"It will be okay son. Whatever happens, remember God
has a plan and life goes on." Her comment would eventually mean so much
more to me than I could have ever known at the time.

In that moment the only life I was concerned with was
Sadie's. Did I cause this? If I wouldn't have pushed her back to me, would she
be okay and not laying in a hospital bed fighting for her life? I kept
questioning if I should just leave and never come back. Before I could make up
my mind, I was standing in front of her door. What snapped me out of my blur
was Sadie's mother. She walked over and took my hand, leading me into the room
and ending my journey at her bedside. I lost my breath. My beautiful girl was
laying there with tubes coming out of everywhere and her head was wrapped. I
lost myself in that moment. I heard a noise that even frightened me until I
realized I was the one that produced it. My sobbing became uncontrollable. My
body was shaking and I couldn't stop. What had I done? I looked up at her
mother and she too was crying. I had nothing to offer her but an apology and
then I was walking out of the hospital and away from all the destruction I had
brought on.

The next few weeks I kept in close contact with Mike. He
told me how she had woken up and then was released. That she was moving in with
that asshole and there was nothing anymore I could do, she was his. I hung up
on him the last time we talked. How could he tell me that? Did he not
understand? Or maybe selfishly it was me that refused to understand, looking
back on it now. But I had to try one last time. When Mike texted me that it was
moving day, I bolted out of my house after grabbing the one thing I had bought
that could change it all.

Driving to her house, I went over exactly what I would
say and do. I just needed her to be there for it to work out.

When I pulled into the space in front of her house, everything
I had planned went to shit. I can't say it was nerves. No, that would mean I
was doubting my decision. It was more like fear. Fear of rejection, loss, pain,
all of it. I was going into battle with an unknown opponent. I had no idea what
he had said or done for her. I just had to rely on the fact that her heart was
still mine. Or at the least I knew I still owned a part of it.

Walking up the step brought on a whole new sense of
dread. What if she looked me in the eye and said, "Go away"?  Before
I lost my nerve, I was pushing open the door. She wasn't in the family room or
kitchen when I looked. All of the sudden she came up the stairs, rounded the
corner and stopped, staring right at me.

"Hey there beautiful"

"Uh, hi."

"So you’re really going to do this huh?"

"If by this, you mean move, then yes I am."

"Sadie, please don't. Please hear me out before you
make this choice."

"Colt, I....."

Before I began I took a deep breath. And then came....

"I love you. I have always loved you. I will always
love you. You and me, we somehow together make sense. We always have. There is
something between us that is special. You will never find it with him or anyone
else. Not like what we have together. Trust me, I am older than you. I have met
so many more people in my life. No-one had ever made me feel the way that you
do, no one ever could. You make me feel alive and so fulfilled."

I couldn't believe I was finally getting to let all this
out. I had bottled up so much and even with the fact I was crying my heart out,
I kept going.

"I didn't want you to not experience life. The only
thing I felt I robbed myself of was the one the thing I wouldn't take from you.
I wanted you to have those years, to make choices and mistakes. To meet and
experience other people, but in the end I had faith the no matter how hard I
pushed you away, what we had between us wouldn't break. It still hasn't. Sadie,
I was there the night of your accident remember. I was on the other end of that
kiss. You can push me away and tell me you don't feel for me what you did, but
I your lying to me and yourself. I felt it. I don't know why you are so hell
bent on denying that what we have is still real and alive but it is. I'm so in
love with you Sadie. You will always be my girl, my everything. Let me give you
everything. Let me make you the happiest girl in the world."

It was then that I dropped down to one knee and pulled
out the ring. I had spent pretty much everything I had on it, but I knew it was
perfect for her as soon as I saw it.

"Let me make you my wife. I want to hold you in my
arms forever. I will never let you go again. I will take care of you and give
you everything you have ever wanted. I want to make babies with you. I want to
have a piece of our love in my arms to hold. I want forever with you. Please my
beautiful girl, make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife."

I stayed down for as long as I could take it. When she
didn't respond, I got up and walked over to her and looked her in the eye.

"Colt, I can't believe this is happening. You have
always felt this way? Why didn't you say anything? Why did you leave?"

So many valid questions, some I had answers to, other not
so much.

"I never wanted to make you feel like you didn't
have a choice. By not admitting my feelings, I knew you were with me because
you wanted to be. Every minute of every day we were together, it was because
you wanted to be. As far as me leaving? Ash is the answer to that. I knew about
him. I wanted you to see that life with someone else was different than what we
have. I couldn't stay here to bear witness to it though. I asked you to come
visit me so I could tell you everything and beg you to stay. I want you there
with me. When you didn't respond to my message and then Bryan came into town,
it was the perfect opportunity. That night I didn't force you to choose. We
came together like we always have, because we just fit."

I hoped she understood my reasons. I prayed that she
would accept all of my mistakes and understand that I was not perfect but I
could be for her. I would make sure to do everything just to see her smile. I
was through with doubting anything in life other than what her answer was going
to be. I was just finishing my thought when she began to speak again.

"Colt, I have always wanted this to happen. Having
an US was always my dream. This is just too hard to process all at once. I have
Ash now. I just don't know what I want anymore, is that wrong?"

How could I possibly tell her she was anything but right,
even if it did hurt?

"No beautiful, it’s not at all. I was of course
hoping that it would be easy, that you would throw yourself in my arms and
scream "YES" at the top of your lungs. But that's not real life. I
didn't give you all of that time to force you now to make a decision. You have
every right to think about this. Take your time, just know at the end of the
day I will be waiting here for you always."

When I finished saying what I felt I had to say, not what
I wanted, I walked over to her and kissed her. It had been so long since I had
felt those lips. I missed them and her so much. I meant everything that I said,
and could only hope it would be enough for her to choose me. I broke the kiss
and then turned and walked back out the door.

I got in my car but had nowhere to go. I called Mike but
when he answered he reminded me that he was out of town. With all of my
thoughts wrapping around Sadie ,I had completely forgot.  I drove around,
wishing any of the guys still lived around there. Eventually I just ended up back
at '51' and you all know how that ended huh?

Chapter 15

When she walked in my face lit up. I couldn't wait to
pull her to me and kiss those lips all over again. That never happened.

"Colt, you are so amazing. You're everything I
thought I wanted. That's even wrong. You're everything I needed at the time.
You were my support, my rock, my best friend, my sex God. There wasn't anything
you weren't, except for mine. We made a foolish agreement. For Two Years. That
is a long time. Even then, the last time I slept with you Colt, with that
stupid agreement intact. I know you were telling me that you loved me. You let
me feel everything you had in you. And you still left. Why wouldn't you have
asked me to go with you then? I would have. I'm not trying to say this is your
fault. Do you have any idea how many times I thought about confessing my
feelings? I failed too. I'm not saying we couldn't have worked. What I need you
to understand is that I have to see where Ash and my story goes. He and I
deserve a real chance. He loves me Colt. You told me that I would never find
what we have, and you were right. What I have with Ash is so different, but it
is just as special. I owe it to Ash and myself to give it my best shot. Can you
understand it’s not that I don't love you but because I'm in love with
him?"

That is when the dagger went through my heart. She wasn't
in love with me. She wasn't going to marry me. She was not ever going to be
mine again. It hurt so fucking bad. My chest felt like someone was constricting
my heart.

I looked up and grabbed her hands and said, "You really
never were mine were you?"

"You held my heart but never claimed it as yours. So
the answer has to be no, I wasn't. But I always felt that I was."