After (15 page)

chapter 22

W
e got to Plymouth Regional Hospital’s emergency room in record time. Sam dropped me off near the ambulance bay and promised to be inside as soon as he parked. I dashed inside and wildly scanned the waiting room for my family.

I spotted them immediately. Mom was standing in the corner, looking disheveled, and Tanner was sitting in a chair, his head down, mumbling to himself. Sydney was standing several yards away, her face tear-streaked.

“What happened? Is he okay?” I demanded, running up to them. All three of them looked up. “Please!” I snapped. “Is he okay? Tell me!”

“I don’t know,” Mom said. She appeared exhausted. “He’s in surgery now. The doctors will be out to talk to us as soon as he’s done.”

I stared at her. My whole body felt cold.
Surgery. Doctors. An accident
. It was all so familiar.

“What happened?” Just then, Sam came through the doors of the waiting room and jogged over to me. I introduced him to my mom, who nodded vaguely. I glanced down at Tanner and realized that he had reverted to sucking his thumb, something I hadn’t seen him do since those dark weeks after Dad died. “What happened, Mom?”

“Apparently, Logan was drinking,” she said in a tight voice. “With Sydney.” She glared at Sydney, who seemed to shrink under her gaze. “He took the keys to Sydney’s car,” Mom continued through gritted teeth, “and went out to drive around the neighborhood. To find the spot of your accident with Dad.”

I felt tears in my eyes.

“He didn’t come back for a while,” Sydney cut in, glancing nervously back and forth between me and my mom. “So finally, I got worried and took my dad’s car out to look for him. I found him on Old Port Road. You know, the one by the harbor that curves? I guess he took the turn too fast and hit a telephone pole.”

Mom made a muffled sound and turned away. I sucked in a deep breath. Tanner curled up on the seat and closed his eyes, sucking his thumb more furiously now. Sam wrapped both of his arms tightly around me and squeezed.

“The police were already there,” Sydney continued. “And the ambulances. They were just taking him away on a stretcher. That’s when I called your mom.”

“Did you see him?” I demanded. “As they were taking him away?”

I wanted to ask her if he had been conscious, if there had been blood, how he had looked. But she just shook her head. “They were already shutting the doors to the ambulance. I only knew it was him ’cause of the car. It’s totally ruined. My parents are going to
kill
me.”

In this moment, with my brother lying somewhere behind closed doors and possibly dying,
she was worrying about her car?
I wanted to wring her perky little neck with my bare hands. But Sam held on to me and murmured in my ear, “It’s not worth it.”

He was right. But I’d never hated someone quite as much as I hated Sydney right then.

An hour passed without any word. My mom paced for a while, then sat down, chewing so hard on her lower lip that it started to bleed. She didn’t even seem to notice. Tanner’s eyes glazed over as he continued rocking back and forth, sucking his thumb. Sydney sat several seats away from us, alternately staring at the wall and texting on her phone. The whole time Sam sat next to me, rubbing my back gently and occasionally whispering things like, “It’s going to be okay, Lacey.”

His words weren’t much comfort. But his being there was. At least a little bit.

Finally, a doctor in pale blue scrubs came out of the swinging doors leading to the operating room. “Mrs. Mann?” he asked, scanning the waiting room.

My mom jumped up immediately. “Yes, that’s me,” she said. “I’m here. How is he?”

I was on my feet before I knew it, standing at Mom’s side. Sam appeared behind me a second later. Tanner stood up and grabbed my hand. Sydney just sat there, staring nervously.

The doctor glanced around at our little group. “Logan’s a very lucky young man,” he said. “He’s going to be fine.”

I didn’t think I’d ever felt so relieved in my entire life. My knees buckled a little, but Sam was there to catch me.

“He is?” Mom demanded, almost as if she didn’t believe it. “Are you sure?”

The doctor still looked concerned. “Yes,” he said slowly. “He suffered a concussion and several broken bones, but it appears his internal injuries are minimal, aside from the trauma to his liver. He should make a full recovery.”

“Oh, thank God,” Mom breathed. I could see tears glistening in her eyes as she turned to me and smiled. I could feel the tears in my own eyes too.

But the doctor didn’t look as happy as we did. “Mrs. Mann,” he said slowly. “It seems to me that we have a difficult situation here.”

“What?” my mom asked, sniffling a little.

He cleared his throat. “Your son’s blood alcohol level is quite high. I asked him some questions, as did the police, and it seems that this isn’t the first time he has gone overboard with drinking.”

“What?” My mom looked at the doctor blankly.

The doctor cleared his throat again. “I suspect he will have to deal with the legal ramifications of this incident. I need to strongly recommend that you get him into some sort of rehab program.”

“Rehab?” my mother whispered.

“He’s a minor, Mrs. Mann. This is extremely serious. He’s very lucky that no one besides himself was hurt.”

She looked down. “Today’s the anniversary of his father’s death,” she said. “I don’t know if he told you that.”

“Ah,” the doctor said. For the first time, he looked a bit sympathetic instead of judgmental. “I see. I’m sorry to hear that. Was it long ago?”

“A year ago today,” my mother whispered.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor said. “But this is a wake-up call, Mrs. Mann. Your son needs help.”

I could feel my face flaming. I’d known my brother drank. I hadn’t done anything to stop it. And he had almost gotten himself killed.

As if reading my mind, Sam leaned down and whispered softly in my ear, “Don’t you dare go blaming yourself, Lacey Mann. You are
not
responsible for Logan. He did this on his own.”

“But—” I started to whisper back.

“Not your fault,”
Sam said in a tone that left no room for argument.

The doctor was saying something to my mom about how Logan was under anesthesia and was a little groggy but could talk to her if she wanted to go in. The rest of us would have to wait until visiting hours tomorrow.

“After you see him,” the doctor said, “the police will want to interview you. And I’d like to recommend a few rehab centers to you before Logan is released.”

“Okay,” she said in a small voice.

When the doctor disappeared, my mother crumpled to the floor. It was as if all her bones suddenly turned to jelly. “My God, my God, my God,” she was murmuring to herself. I bent down and wrapped my arms around her.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. “I’m sorry I didn’t do anything to stop him.”

“My God, Lacey,” she said. “It’s not your responsibility. When did it start being your responsibility?”

“But—”

“Lacey, you’re sixteen,” she said. “You’re not in charge of your brother’s actions. It’s my fault. I should have known.”

I tried to reassure her that it wasn’t her fault. But the words fell on deaf ears. Tanner hopped up from his chair and joined me and Mom on the floor. He put his arms around both of us, and the three of us sat there in a messy, crying heap.

“It’s not anyone’s fault,” he said. My mom and I both looked at him. Mom sniffled. “You can only do your best. And you can either get upset about the past, or just plan on doing things differently in the future. That’s what the Crocodile Hunter said, anyhow. In a show I used to watch.”

“Thanks, Tanner,” my mom said.

He shrugged and put his hands in his pocket. “Whatever.”

•  •  •

Sydney’s parents came to pick her up a little while later. To their credit, they didn’t say one word about the car. Mom decided to stay at the hospital overnight. Sam offered to drive me and Tanner home, and my mom gratefully accepted.

Sam walked us to the door, and after I unlocked it and watched Tanner disappear into the house, Sam pulled me into a long embrace on the doorstep.

“Lacey, I don’t know if this is the right time to say this,” he said, “but I’d really like it if maybe you’d come meet my dad sometime.”

I didn’t know what to say.

“I mean, he’s not himself,” Sam continued. “He can’t move one whole side of his body. And sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even remember me. But he’s still my dad.”

I swallowed hard. I thought of all the things I’d said to Sam, all the selfish, warring emotions I’d felt over his father coming out of his coma. I thought about how I’d never see my dad again and about how lucky I was to not have lost my brother, too. I thought about what Tanner had said about how you couldn’t live in the past and how you had to do things differently in the future.

Finally, I smiled. “I’d like that,” I said.

“Good,” Sam said, smiling back at me. Then he kissed me goodnight.

•  •  •

My cell phone rang early the next morning, jolting me awake. I glanced at the clock as I dove for the phone: 6:55. My blood ran cold. Was it my mom, calling with bad news about Logan?

“Hello?” I answered breathlessly.

“Lacey?” It was Sam, and he sounded concerned.

I let out a huge sigh of relief. “I was afraid it was my mom and something was wrong with Logan.”

“Oh jeez, I’m sorry,” he said. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

I smiled. “I’m fine.”

“Can you go to the window?”

I sat up in bed. “What?”

“I just want you to look outside.”

A warm feeling spread through me. I wondered if he’d raked the leaves again. I got out of bed, pulled open the curtain, and looked down. But the leaf pile had dispersed in yesterday’s rain, and no one had put it back together again. Early-morning sunlight beamed down on a front lawn that looked absolutely ordinary.

“I don’t see anything,” I said to Sam.

“Are you looking down?”

“Yes,” I said, puzzled.

“Try looking up,” he said mysteriously.

I did as he said, and right away, I saw why he’d called. I gasped.

Stretching across the sky and dipping down again in the distance was the prettiest, brightest rainbow I’d ever seen. It was just like the one in Sam’s painting under the bridge.

“Oh my God,” I breathed. I blinked a few times. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“Lacey,” Sam said, “it’s not even raining. Look. It’s all sunshine.”

I looked around. He was right. A few wispy white clouds floated by, but there wasn’t a rain cloud, nor a drop of rain, in sight. There was no logical reason for there to be a rainbow.

“You can’t tell me you don’t believe now,” Sam said. “Your dad’s up there, Lacey.”

I gazed at the rainbow. Then I craned my neck as far as it would go and strained to look up, my chin pointing heavenward. I smiled at my dad.

“Thank you,” I whispered to Sam. “Can I call you later?”

We hung up and I stared at the rainbow for a long time. “Thanks, Dad,” I said.

Then I sent Jennica a text. No way could I call her this early.

LACEYLOO321: call me when u wake up. miss u.

Then I dialed Mom’s cell number.

She answered on the first ring. “Hi, honey. Is everything all right?”

“Yeah,” I said. I took a deep breath, realized that it was the first time in a year I’d meant it. “In fact, I’m pretty sure that everything’s going to be okay from now on.”

epilogue

ONE YEAR LATER

T
he second anniversary of Dad’s accident fell on a Monday, so we couldn’t go to the cemetery until the evening, when we were through with school and Mom was home from work.

Sam had bowed out of the visit. He had gone with me to the cemetery over the past year, but today, he said, was for my family. He didn’t want to intrude. And that was just one of the many reasons I loved him. He was always thinking about things like that.

His dad was doing a lot better. He liked to play board games, so Sam and I would get out Monopoly or Battleship and sit with him for hours. It sounded crazy, but it was one of my favorite things to do now. Tanner even visited sometimes, and he entertained all of us with his new jokes—he’d decided he might want to be a stand-up comic. He and Mr. Stone really liked each other.

Logan’s car accident had been the wake-up call he needed. Because it was a first offense, he wasn’t sent to jail, but he had to enroll in a program for teen alcohol abusers, which met twice a week. He had stopped partying, and he had started hanging out with his old friends Josh and Will again. He and Sydney broke up, and she had a brand-new BMW and a brand-new boyfriend.

Mom was finally closer to being her old self again. I still heard her sobbing at night sometimes. But those nights were a lot fewer and farther between. And her smiles at the dinner table were real.

As for Kelsi, Mindy, Cody, Logan, Sam, and I, we’d become even closer. A freshman named Amber had joined our group a few months earlier; her dad had died when she was five. And Jennica, who had broken up with Brian in January, sometimes came too. The group had decided that it would be okay, from time to time, if kids whose parents were getting divorced joined us.

Today my family met at the cemetery, just after the sun had gone down. The last remnants of the sunset—a few streaks of orange and fuchsia across a deep indigo sky—hung above us, lighting our way. I had a car now, an old Toyota, and I had driven Tanner and Logan. Mom came straight from work, trading her high heels for sneakers in the parking lot.

I came here more often now to ponder things. In fact, I’d come here just last week when I needed to think about a big college decision. I had asked Dad’s advice. And in the silence, with the sunshine dappling through the trees around us and the wind stirring the leaves on the ground ever so slightly, I think I’d gotten it.

We gathered around his headstone and I swallowed hard.
Two years ago
. It was hard to imagine that it had been two whole years since my dad had smiled at me or hugged me or said my name.

My mom laid down a bouquet of roses and murmured something under her breath. They weren’t words for us. They were for Dad. Tanner told a few jokes. He came to Dad’s grave with me sometimes, and he told a few each time. And, he’d told me, he was pretty sure that Dad could hear his jokes wherever he was and was proud of him. I’d had to blink several times to stop myself from crying when he said that.

“I miss you, Dad,” Logan said in a deep voice that was growing deeper by the day. He bent down on one knee and closed his eyes, and when he stood, there was a tear running down his cheek. He didn’t bother to wipe it away.

I took a deep breath. “I have some news,” I said. “I got a letter from Boston University yesterday.” I paused and grinned. “I got in. I got accepted. And I think there’s a pretty good chance I’ll get that scholarship.”

I had applied for a scholarship for children whose parents had died, sponsored by Kate’s Club in Atlanta—the club that had inspired our group. Every year, the founder, Kate Atwood, chose a few kids to send through college. You just had to write an essay about how your life had changed since your parent’s death and what your plans were for the future. I had sat down to write an essay. Instead, I wrote twenty-two chapters. I couldn’t stop writing. And Ms. Atwood had called to say that my story had moved her to tears, and she thought that with some editing, it could maybe even be turned into a book.

Mom was the first to hug me. “I’m so proud of you. And I know Daddy would be too.”

I hugged her back and imagined Dad’s arms also wrapped around me. I imagined what his face would look like, so full of pride and joy for me. And for a moment, I felt like he was there with us.

I’d wanted to tell my family first, but I could hardly wait to tell Sam later tonight. He’d been accepted at Northeastern. I knew we were young, and who knew what would happen in the future? But at least this meant we were going to be in the same city and we wouldn’t have to deal with the whole long-distance thing. If we were meant to work out, we would.

Logan cleared his throat. “Well, I haven’t heard back yet, but I applied to Suffolk,” he said, naming a small university in the center of Boston. He’d taken a year off after graduation. “And I think my grades and SAT scores will get me in. So I guess we’ll both be in the city.”

Logan and I hugged. He drove me crazy sometimes, but we’d become a lot closer in the past year, and I couldn’t imagine being far away from him. Plus, he’d probably need to hit me up for rides home to visit Mom.

Tanner was grinning. “This is perfect!” he announced. “There’s a comedy club in Boston that me and Sarah read about. And on Monday nights, they have amateur night for comics under eighteen. We’re gonna work on our act. We should be ready by next fall. And you guys can come watch us and bring all your friends!”

I grinned back at my little brother. “You bet! You’re going to have the biggest BU cheering section any comedian has ever had.”

“Not to mention the biggest Suffolk cheering section,” Logan added.

“And
probably the biggest Northeastern cheering section too,” I said, thinking of Sam. “Actually, it just sounds like you’re going to have the biggest cheering section ever.”

Tanner smiled from ear to ear. “Cool,” he said.

Mom was looking at all of us, her eyes glistening. “Dad would be really proud of you,” she said.
“All
of you.”

As we walked away from Dad’s grave that night, Mom held hands with my brothers, and I held Tanner’s right hand, my own right hand outstretched. I was reaching for Dad. I knew he was right there with us, as much a part of our family as he had ever been. Just because we couldn’t see him didn’t mean he wasn’t there.